CHIBI-OF-THE-MONTH CLUB
         (Our Motto: "We make the Illuminati look like Cub Scouts!")
                                 PRESENTS...

                      Controversial Jack
   
                            and the Temple of DOOM

                                Episode 1: Jack vs. Copyright Law.

-=-

     The sun glared painfully against the bamboo shoots of Jack's hut.  It 
illuminated his pointy red hair, making it glow with redness and 
pointedness.  It struck his alarm clock, which after years of traumatic 
abuse had developed an itchy trigger and immediately went off, blaring 
loudly.

     A fist slammed it into the mulchy floor of the hut.  Jack sat up, 
yawned, and faced the new day.

     "Another impro, another royalty check," he said with much satisfaction.  
Plus, this time he got to use a whip.

-=-

     WUH-CRACK!
     WUH-CRACK!
     WUH-CRACK!

     "Effendi, I wish you'd stop doing that," his Native Guide said, 
sweating nervously from the thick jungle heat and from the distinct 
possibility of being yanked apart by a stray whip-snap.

     "I'm just practicing, noble Native Guide.  It's harder than it looks," 
Jack said, recoiling his whip for now.  "I've got seven of these damn 
episodes to get through before I get paid, and if confronted by some enemy 
which can only be dispatched with my trusty whip, I intend to whip it good.  
Are we there yet?"

     "Almost, effendi."

     Jack continued to slog through the sinewy heat of the jungle, pausing 
only to look up the word 'sinewy' and realize he wasn't using it properly.  
But Mr. Duck would be forgiving, and that's all that mattered.  His hetero 
life-mate had a place of honor on the top of his safari hat, glued in place 
to prevent accidental slippage (as a bath duck was as slippery as a soap on 
a rope).  Plus, once doused with a heavy bug repellant chemical illegal in 
nine countries, Mr. Duck served as an excellent wearable ward against 
malaria.

     Soon enough, they had reached the Temple of DOOM.

     It was befitting of a temple that came in all capital letters.  Taller 
than the World Trade Center and deeper than the pits of Morrisey's angst, 
the Temple of DOOM was an ancient and dangerous structure loaded with booby 
traps and treasures alike.  Somewhere at the core of it was the true prize 
Jack sought... the legendary Idol of Controversy.

     He'd read about it in Popular Paranoia magazine.  The Idol, if held by 
the one true Controversial Messiah, would grant its bearer the powers of 
Infinite Controversy.  The very fact that the Controversy was Infinite in 
nature was Controversial in itself, since Infinity is not a concept that can 
be applied to Controversy, to which the Idol said Bullocks To The Lot of 
You, and Jack felt that was a Good Thing.

     "Right," he said, surveying the ominous obelisk.  "So how do I open 
it?"

     "You want to go IN?" the Native Guide asked, shocked.  "Are you insane, 
Senior Jack?  Inside lurk yammering horrors from beyond the realm of sanity, 
terrible monsters that can rend you asunder with a look, and more blatant 
fanboy inside jokes to the Improfanfic community than six chibis combined!  
Only a true fool would dare to go inside!"

     "Hey, if I don't go in, this story's gonna suck," Jack warned.  He took 
a hold of the Fourth Wall and moved it aside.  "See?"

     "I agree with Jack," Twoflower said, before Jack put the wall back into 
place.

     "Don't say I didn't warn you," the Native Guide warned.  He turned and 
took a few steps back into the forest before dropping into a flaming pungii 
pit, never to be seen again.

     Jack faced the stone wall.  "Right, then.  Now, to get inside..."

WILL JACK FIND THE IDOL OF CONTROVERSY?
WILL THE CHIBI-OF-THE-MONTH CLUB TAKE OFF?
WILL YOU WRITE FOR IT?
WILL YOU EVER DROP YOUR HABIT OF COMPULSIVE MASTRUBATION?

Stay tuned.