Chibi of the Month's: Controversial Jack and the Temple of DOOM Initialized by Stefan Gagne Currently Written by Sean Givan Episode 6: Almost Done, Hang On * * * * * Jack sniffled, and wiped a tear from his eye. "I'll never forget a woman like that.." he mourned, addressing his companion, as the two of them sat alone somewhere within the third basement of the mysterious temple. "I mean, while I might forget a few other things, such as why she's not here now, or how we came to be separated in between the last chapter and this one, or why the current author seems completely disinterested in this Carol subplot and is trying to dump it as efficiently as possible while being polite enough to keep certain other changes.." The puddle of liquid rubber gurgled in a sympathetic fashion. "..But anyway, this impro's wrapping up soon, so we've got an Idol to find! Come on, Mr. Guck!" "*BLORCH*" said Jack's newly-christened friend, and slimed after the limber young man as he dashed down some random corridor. * * * >E Outer Sanctum At last, you feel that you are nearing your ultimate goal. Just beyond this small room constructed of neatly cut and placed orange sandstone, though a closed wooden door, lies what you know to be the inner sanctum of the Temple of DOOM, the resting place of the famous Idol of Infinite Controversy. There is a brass key lying on the floor here. >IN The door is locked. >LOOK AT DOOR This is an ordinary wooden door. It is currently closed and locked. The lock seems to be made of brass. >LOOK AT KEY This is an ordinary key, currently lying on the floor. It seems to be made of brass. >GET KEY You pick up the brass key. You get the strange impression that you are about to solve a trivially easy puzzle. >INVENTORY You are carrying: a silver pendant (worn) a gold amulet (wrapped around the wrist) pocky PIE a brass key >UNLOCK DOOR The brass key turns easily in the lock, and a satisfying click tells you that you've unlocked the door to the inner sanctum. [You have gained 1 point!] >IN You bonk your head against the wooden door, which in your haste and imperceptive idiocy you have forgotten to open. >OPEN DOOR There you go, now you're catching on. >IN "GANGWAY!" A short man with improbably spiky red hair comes charging down the hallway, closely followed by a surging puddle of melted yellow rubber. Colliding into you with an efficient shoulder tackle, he butts his way into the inner sanctum and sends you flying backward. Your head strikes against the stone floor with a nasty cracking noise, and everything goes dark. ** You have died. ** * * * The inner sanctum. A room of awe-inspiring proportions such that only fifteen feet by fifteen feet could awe-inspire, filled to the brim with beautiful stone carvings and decorations and other descriptiveness. Jack ignored the trappings, since he was a practical-minded person, and focused his attention on the central feature of the room: A pedestal three feet, upon which the great Idol of Infinite Controversy was (not) resting. "Aw, it must have fallen off the pedestal and rolled into a corner somewhere. I hate it when artifacts do that. Just a minute, Mr. Guck, we'll have this sorted out in a jiff.." Jack kicked aside the pedestal (and somewhere in Africa, and archeologist clutched at his heart and died), and proceeded to efficiently ransack the room, overturning flagstones, breaking ornamental carvings, shattering old vases, and basically making a shameful mess of things. Nowhere was anything even somewhat idol-shaped to be found. "Okay, something's wrong here." Jack said. A fanfare of trumpets started to play out of nowhere, and divine white light streamed down on Jack's head. Not that it was actually meant for Jack (oh no, sir, that would be utterly impossible), but rather it announced the presence of a beautiful white-robed angel, who floated down from above, coming to a stop in front of Jack, her delicate feet just stopping from grazing the ground. She brushed aside a stray lock of gold flaxen hair that had freely tumbled in front of her eyes, and gazed at Jack, her eyes filled with wisdom, patience, and near-infinite love. "Well, you're no Carol, but hey! *Very* nice to see you. What can I do you for?" Jack waved in a perfunctory sort of way. "I've come to congratulate you," the angel began, her voice melodious and slightly reverberant, "on the completion of your personal quest, Jack Lysias." "Yeah, well I'm almost finished my quest, but I'm just held back by the fact that the DAMN THING'S NOT HERE! WHERE THE HELL DID IT GO?!" "Ah, but you see, Jack.. there never *was* an Idol of Infinite Controversy." "Come again?" "You see.." The angel said, folding her hands in a pretty sort of way, "The Idol was nothing more than a symbol - of the controversy that exists in all people, in yourself, in your friends, your neighbours, or the mailman down the street - of the desire to struggle against boredom, against stifling conformity, against the limitations of 'being reasonable', of denouncing something not because of your offense, but because of the offense of the next person, of voting for the Democrats even though you really wanted to vade for Nader. Just knowing that the Idol *might* have existed - that was enough, to give people a measure of hope; in that way, it did so much more than what a *real* idol would do, don't you think?" Jack blinked. "I'm not really following your artsy crap here. You wanna rephrase that in some other terms, preferably making references to North American pop culture from the Seventies or Eighties?" "Well, you know that song about a village that had a really cool treasure that another village wanted, so this second village killed everyone in the first village only to find out the treasure was this block of stone with the words 'Peace on earth, good will to men' written on it? It's kind of the same principle here." "o/~ Go ahead and cheat a neighbour, go ahead and cheat a friend.. o/~" Jack hummed a bit more to himself, but quietly, since songs that a significant portion of the readers never heard of are frowned up on in Improfanfic. "Hey, wait a second!" Jack yelled. "Are you implying that I'd censor myself just for the miniscule reason of courtesy to other people? That's not controversial at all, baby! If you wanna run roughshod all over my character tropes I'm just going to take a deep breath and BELT RIGHT OUT.." o/~ GO AHEAD AND CHEAT A NEIGH-BOUR o/~ o/~ GO AHEAD AND CHEAT A FRIEND o/~ o/~ DO IT IN THE NAME OF HEAVEN o/~ o/~ IF YOU CAN JUSTIFY IT IN- THE- END! o/~ "And damn it, if I could remember what the rest of the lines were I'd sing them out loud too! So there!" "Ano.." the angel said. "Oh yeah, the plot. Huh. Okay, so there's no Idol of Infinite Controversy. Well, that's a bit of a downer, but at least I got to have some cool fight scenes, and experienced sex for the first time in my life, and liberated Mr. Duck into a new form free from physical shackles. That's pretty good for a seven-part series, especially when you consider the other foot-draggers this web site's pumped out.. Hey. What are you hiding there behind your back?" The angel shuffle-drifted back a few steps, keeping her hands out of sight. "I'm not holding anything!" "Yes, you are." "No, I'm not!" She floated backwards a bit more. "Honest!" "Uh-huh." Jack snapped his fingers. "Mr. Guck! Do the honours, please!" The sentient rubber puddle quivered and grew some icky yellow tubular extensions, in a gesture that could easily be interpreted in a very nasty way. "Eek!" The angel said, and threw up her hands in shock, coincidentally sending the Idol of Infinite Controversy tumbling through the air and into the Controversial One's hands. "Yup, that's what I figured." Jack said, and was engulfed in a pillar of pyrotechnic light as raw Controversial Energy pumped from the idol in levels previously unheard of in other Controversial Jack stories. "I.. HAVE.. THE POWERRRRRRRRR!!" Jack shouted, and pointed the idol at Mr. Guck. A beam of energy shot out and surrounded the puddle, transforming it instantly into a large green duck with a great toothy maw and a red plastic helmet and saddle, which roared with delight towards the heavens. "I AM.. CEE-JACK! THE MOST CONTROVERSIAL MAN IN THE UNIVERSE!" Jack intoned, and punched out a nearby camera for no apparent reason. "Oh dear.." The still-unnamed angel pulled out a cell phone from her robes and auto-dialed a special number. "Hello, Metatron here. If this is the Canadian Liver Foundation again, STOP CALLING ME or I swear I'll pull out the Godhead and extract telefundraisers from the fabric of reality.." "Metatron-sama, I'm *soooo* sorry! But I let Jack Lysias get his hands on the Idol!" "Oh, crap. If there isn't one cosmic artifact causing trouble, it's another.. look, just kill him before he destroys the universe, okay?" "Gotcha!" she said, and hung up. Turning towards the glowing figure laughing in the middle of the temple's inner sanctum, she narrowed her eyes, internally preparing herself for what would truly be the most important battle of her life.. * * * WILL THIS ANONYMOUS ANGEL CHARACTER MANAGE TO SAVE THE UNIVERSE FROM THE CLUTCHES OF CEE-JACK? HOW DID SHE SUDDENLY UP BECOMING THE PROTAGANIST HERE? WHY HASN'T SCHMIDT-BOB SHOWN UP YET? CAN'T CONTROVERSIAL JACK END ANY GOD DAMN SERIES WITHOUT DESTROYING THE UNIVERSE? WHAT WILL RANMA-X PICK TO BE OUR NEXT CHIBI OF THE MONTH? WILL IT BE THAT EXTREMELY CHARMING AND FUNNY POWERPUFF GIRLS UTENA THINGY, OR WILL IT BE ONE OF THE CRAPPIER ONES, DOOMING COTM TO A MONTH OF AVOIDABLE DRUDGERY AND TEDIUM? -Sean Givan