The shadow of a girl flittered across the wall to meet a companion. "Have you heard? Have you heard? Sugar. Spice. And everything nice." "These were the ingredients chosen to create the perfect little girls." "But Student Council Treasurer Arisugawa accidentally added another ingredient to the mix... surrealism." "Oh, my. Surely nothing good could come of that." Thus... well, you know the drill. * Revolutionary Powerpuff Girl Utena Created by Scott Schimmel Episode 5: Boys Will Be Boys Written by Scott Johnson "The Academy of Ohtori! And once again, the day is saved, thanks to the Revolutionary Powerpuff Girls!" "That was the scene yesterday as Utena, Anthy, and Miki defeated Sovereignity-Association Powerpuff Princess Nanami and her Bad Kitty, in what strikes this reporter as their most exciting adventure yet. Wouldn't you agree, E-ko?" "Oh, sure, sure, F-ko! They were masterfully amazing and wonderful in their actions. The moves, the quips--" "--the duel song--" "--and the philosophical implications! Those alone could revolutionize the world in themselves." "I'm told that four new cults have already sprung up in Ohtori based on the lessons learned in the battle." "I know, I know! I'm planning on joining one myself." "I'm really, really glad we had the opportunity to bring this fourth episode spectacular to all our listeners out there. And just to recap for those of you who came in late, I have in my hand here a tape of the final duel itself, cued up to Princess Nanami's first monologue, ready to go out on the air! You'll love it, everyone. It's so good, it's a scandal!" Whirr. Click. Chunk. "*Mooooooooo....*" "That's a scandal?" "Oops. Wrong tape." Click. A small hand turned off the radio. "Chuuchuu..." "Curses..." A small figure began to stalk back and forth. "Chu chuu chuchuchu Chuuchu Chuuchchu Chu chu chuchu chuuu chu chuu chuchu chchu chu chu." A larger figure stalked with him. "Once again those accursed Revolutionary Powerpuff Girls have succeeded in their successful attempts to thwart the wicked doings of evil wrongdoers." "Chu, chu chu, chuuu chu chu chuchu chu chu, chuchuchu chu chu chu chu chu chu chuchu chu chuchu chu." "I must face them once again, and crush them utterly, such that they will be utterly crushed, and I will be free to pursue my fiendish schemes of malice unhindered by the accursed and permanently crushed Revolutionary Powerpuff Girls." "Chu? Chuchu chu. Chuchu chuchu chuchu chu." "But how? I must have a flawless plan of absolute perfection. My plan must be perfect, for if it is not perfect, the accursed girls will take advantage of any flaws and exploit those loopholes, those being the flaws I have mentioned previously, to confound my plans, and in doing so confound me by defeating me and destroying my ambitions, which shall be totally smashed." "Chu, chuu -- chu chu ch chu chu?" "So, I must -- who are you translating to?" Saionji blinked. "Oh -- no one in particular. I was simply staying in practice." "Chu, chuchu. Chuch chu." "All right, I'll stop. But how are you going to come up with a proper plan? Even if you do have the brains, the girls are physically superior to you in every way. *I'm* superior to you physically for that matter. I could squash you like a bug, you know." "Chuu..." the monkey growled. "Oh, not that I was planning to. But let's face it, to make any plan of yours succeed, you'd need something to stop them from just beating you up and ending it all. Some power equal to theirs..." On the large balcony of the central tower of Ohtori Academy, Mr. President was practicing his swordplay and smoking a cigar, Arisugawa Juri was going over her notes at the seat of a grand piano, and a group of small furry mammals were shooting at one another. And the phone was ringing. It kept on ringing for quite a while. Juri finally looked up from her notes. "Mr. President, that is your private hotline that's ringing. Shouldn't you get it?" "Is that the phone? I just thought it was some random surrealism." "No, that's the lemur armies recreating the Crimean War, today. The phone is just a phone." "Oh. Then what's this cigar?" "A Cuban." "Elian?" "That's rather dated, you know." "So's this cigar." Juri sighed and navigated past the raging prosimians to the telephone. In an infinitely bored, world-weary voice, she said, "President Kiryuu's office, may I help you?" She nodded absently. "Yes... yes... three cups of sugar... a tablespoon of mixed spices, including saffron and cayenne pepper, but absolutely no rosemary... four quarts of a melange of everything nice... Oh, and don't forget three-point-five Dalis of surrealism. On the metric scale, of course. Yes. Yes. No. Maybe. The Washington Monument. Thank you." She hung up. "Who was that?" "A voice saying only 'chu,'" she replied, sitting back down. "Doubtless more of the random surrealism. I decided to play along with random responses." "Didn't part of that sound like the formula for making the Revolutionary Powerpuff Girls?" "I'm not a girl," Miki's voice shouted from somewhere in the distance. "Did it?" Juri asked. "I hadn't noticed. In any case, it's not important. Just go back to practice." "Yes! If I am ever going to be a real superhero like the girls, I'll need to know how to fight! That and a funny little hat, too." Juri just shook her head and went back to her notes. E flat, C sharp, G natural. One of these days, she'd master jazz piano and show Miki who was boss... "Chuu..." "Snips..." [In the flower garden of Pokey Ohtori, Utena blinked. "Hey! Who's been shredding the black roses?"] "Chu..." "Snails..." [Anthy peered into her pencil case worriedly. "Catherine? Juliette? Marceline? Where are you?"] "Chu chuu..." "And finally..." Saionji frowned. "What? What are you looking for?" "Chuchu chu chuu." "Oh. No, I have never seen even a single puppy dog on this campus. I would go so far as to say there has never been a puppy dog on this campus. I think the director's more of a cat person." "Chuuchuu..." the little deformed hyperintelligent monkey-thing growled. "I suppose you'll have to scrap this plan, then. I can't see anything here that would work as well as puppy dog tails. Do you?" MuuChuChuChu scowled. And then grinned. "Chuu..." "Snips..." "Chu..." "Snails..." "Chu chu chuchu chu chu chu." "And one supergenius twisted monkey-thing tail," Saionji scowled sourly, carefully cleaning the blade of his katana. To use a man as a walking universal translator, that was one thing. But to take his sword and use it to chop off one's own tail -- that was an act of an entirely different calibur. (Not to mention an astoundingly difficult thing for so small a monkey.) The pain the monkey was in -- obvious despite how carefully it was hidden -- wasn't enough He'd pay. Oh, yes, he'd pay. Just as soon as his review came up and Saionji got a chance to demand a raise. "In any case," Saionji added, "where are you going to find a counter to surrealism?" "Chuchu chu chuu! Chuchu chu chu chchu chuuuchu!" MuuChuChuChu held up a shining CD in triumph. "Dadaism? What on earth is Dadaism? And how are you going to extract it from a soundtrack?" MuuChuChuChu, perhaps tired of voicing his own incomprehensible dialogue, or perhaps tired of Saionji's foolishniss, just thrust a dictionary at him. A few minutes later, Saionji looked up from the dictionary and scowled again. "All right, it's an artistic movement that denies the concept of meaning and uses randomness and surrealism beyond surrealism. What of it? And what's the connection with that CD?" "Chuhuhuhu!" MuuChuChuChu laughed, and dropped the CD into the giant aquarium that was already half-full of water, with the tail, the snails, and a shredded pile of black rose petals and stems at the bottom. As the pair watched, the water began to shimmer, then ripple as if a single drop had hit its center. The CD glistened, began to spin... Revolution! Diabolic metaphoric penguinic Bright the shadow of a hobby horse O Meggido, faithful and groovy. Saionji was boggled. "A duel song? A particularly random-seeming duel song?" "Chuhuhuhuhu!" Number None, ferrous oats Warbler, walking ghost Wandering the number-space of seven and blue Harris! "But it's a rather insipid one. The duel songs are meant to have metaphoric resonance, some connection to the themes of the duel itself. This is babbling, it's nonsensical, it's..." "Chu?" Saionji sighed in resignation. "All right, it's Dada." "Chuhuhuhuhu!" Oh, the vertical of Imogene triumphs! Oh, the cocina of cochlea varies! The water was glowing faintly blue now, lighting the dark underground room just slightly. The scraps of ingredients were whirling around each other now, clustering into a few large shapes... Battle the invariant issue! Video the snooper ya ya! Oh, hello in the trash, connectivity. Birthright, supper roll, rocking! Oblivious! Falling in the darkness! TRI-LO-BITE! And then the aquarium exploded in a flash of light, knocking Saionji and MuuChuChuChu to the floor. When they regained their vision, they saw standing before them, three forms, short, superdeformed, and very cute, in a glowering, defiant, menacy sort of way. "Chu chu chu," MuuChuChuChu cackled, rubbing his paws together in glee. "Chu chu chu chuchu chu chu! Chu chu... Chu Chu Chuchuchu Chu!" "He said, 'Now you have come forth to do my bidding as I command, and my plan will be a complete success that will work! My new creations that I have created... the Black Rose Rowdyruff Boys!" "I'm not a boy," the blue-haired one scowled. "Shut up, Kozue," the pink-haired one shot back casually. She stuck her tongue out at him. "Chu, chu, chuchuchu," the demented monkey said soothingly. "Chu chu -- CHRK!" This last came as the pink-haired boy casually backhanded him in the face. "He said, "Now, now, children, there's no need to fight,'" Saionji translated rather unnecissarily. "'I'm sure we can all -- URK!' I'm guessing you got that last part on your own." "Darned straight," the pink-haired boy nodded, pushing his glasses back up. "So, what's the deal? Why are we here?" "You mean in a philosophical sense or -- never mind. My boss, the monkey who's unconscious on the floor right now, wants to get rid of these girls called the Revolutionary Powerpuff Girls. Okay, two girls and one boy." "Really?" Kozue perked up. "What's he like? Is he cute? Can I obsessively stalk him and assault anyone who ever seems to be coming close to him so he'll think only of me?" "Shut up, Kozue." "You never let me have any fun." "We were born three minutes ago," the pink-haired one objected. "There hasn't been time for me to not let you have any fun." "So?" "In any case," Saionji continued, "if you can keep the Revolutionary Powerpuff Girls occupied, or even destroy them, while MuuChuChuChu tries to revolutionize the world, we would be much obliged to you." "Hm." The pink-haired boy stroked his chin thoughtfully. "I suppose we could do that. Perhaps we could turn their closest allies against them in a long, psychological game, unleasing their dark sides, creating a nightmarish web of symbolism and ancient power for them to be lost in, until we close in for the kill..." "Bo-ring," Kozue yawned. "Let's just go out and smash things." "I'm down with that," the pink-haired boy nodded. "Ne, Mikage-sama?" The dark-skinned boy, the third of the trio, was snuggling up to the pink-haired one. "Can't we just go somewhere and cuddle? I don't want to smash things up today." Mikage smiled fondly at the boy, patting him on the head. "Now, Mamiya, while I care for you deeply and would under other circumstances love nothing more than going along with that, remember that we're young, we're innocent, and we have superdeformed bodies with short, stubby limbs. And no opposable thumbs. Until such time as we can get sexier bodies, I think we'll have to pass on that." "Awww..." Mamiya pouted. "There, there. Tell you what, we can bring back someone to psychologically torment, how's that?" "Wai!" Mamiya's face brightened enormously. "You're the best, Mikage-sama!" "Oh, no! I wonder, I wonder, how will the Revolutionary Powerpuff Girls deal with this new and awesome threat?" "I wonder, I wonder, why the Revolutionary Powerpuff Girls didn't get more than a line each in this episode?" "Well, we'll soon see, won't we?" "I wonder, I wonder. I wonder if we will?" -- Scott Johnson | zagyg@io.com | This space intentionally left blank.