Mighty Angstin' GF Rangers Episode One: Silly Silly Danger! Damn, my butt looks good! by Illyria * * * * * When a teenager says "I hate my job," the standard course of action is to pat them on the back and assure them that more waits for them than flipping burgers. This method of "comforting" doesn't quite work when the teen in question is already in command of a major military facility, and the problem of the moment is figuring out how not to be horribly out-maneuvered, mangled, and/or humiliated. So, Squall Leonhart was brooding. If he knew it sent a good portion of the female students' hearts to a'fluttering, he probably would have turned his pout into more of a scowl. But then Selphie would try to cheer him up. That wouldn't be good. With a sigh, he turned away from the balcony and strode over to the comm system. For a long moment, he looked at the handset. (I know what has to be done. But... I don't want to lead. What if we fail? I never asked for this job. And Rinoa will insist on coming along.) For another long moment, he stared at the handset. Slowly, he reached out and grabbed it, its weight surprising in his leather-clad hand. Even more reluctantly, he lifted it to his mouth... And then Squall Leonhart struck a powerpose. "Quistis, Zell, Irvine, Selphie, Rinoa! We need GardenZord power, NOW!" * * * * * *bonk* "Ow." Selphie Tilmitt giggled as she plunked on her yellow helmet. "So, Squall? Are we gonna go kick some bad guy butt? Because, I'm like, so totally ready to go fight and win and blow 'em all up with my big-ass rocket launcher!" She giggled some more in a slightly disturbing manner as she patted the base of her QuetzlcoatlZord. This Zord, for the sake of expediency, will now be referred to as the QuetZord. (Why do I always have to be the leader?) Squall sighed and rubbed his forehead, hoping Selphie would distract herself soon. "Ooh, something shiny!" Aha, problem solved. *bonk* "Ow." Rinoa sidled up and latched her arm around Squall's, taking his not running away in terror as a sign that he was truly and madly in love with her. She dropped her head onto his shoulder and sighed happily. (And I don't have any idea what I'm supposed to be feeling towards Rinoa. Do I like her? I think I do, but I dunno why. She's sort of annoying. She is cute, though.) "..." "Oh, Squallie-poo, you're so eloquent!" Rinoa put a hand to her mouth as she tittered, then waved and detached herself. "Okay, I'm all ready! I don't want to fight, but I think I can if I'm with you guys and piloting a ten-ton mecha of mass destruction!" She giggled again, then skipped off to climb into ShivaZord. *bonk* "Ow!" Zell Dincht popped his head out of his Zord and scowled at everyone. "I hate this thing. Why'd I get this one?" "Because it suits you, Zell," Quistis Trepe soothed as she elegantly slid into her SirenZord. "But I'm, like, the Red SeeD! I should have Ifrit or Diablos or ... uh ... Doomtrain! Yeah, I like trains!" "And there's nothing Freudian at all about that choice," Quistis deadpanned over the headset as she strapped herself into her seat. "Squall, are we ready?" (Wow. My butt looks really good in these pants.) "Yes, just abou-" "I HATE this thing!" Zell wailed as he tried again to fit himself into the cockpit of the TonberryZord. "It's so tight in there, I had the words (c)Doink on my forehead for two hours after I got out last time! Hey... Irvine's the Green SeeD! Give him this one!" He waved desperately at the lanky figure who was climbing into the CerberusZord. Irvine removed his cowboy hat-shaped helmet (don't ask) just long enough to smirk at Zell. "Actually, I'm the Tan SeeD and, well... *I* can't fit into that Zord." "...YOU WANNA PIECE OF ME?" the diminutive chicken-wuss challenged as he bounced around the loading bay in a fine imitation of a Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robot. "Guuuuuuuuuuys, knock it off!" Rinoa and Selphie pleaded in nice-girl stereo-speak. Squall dropped his head into his hand. (Note to self: ask for a raise.) Not saying another word, he pulled himself up into BahamutZord, leading the rest of the SeeDs out the hangar doors. A few minutes passed. The giant holographic head of Cid Kramer appeared in the center of the room, peering around. "Hello? Have you already left? Hello... oh well. At least I established this gag." * * * * * "Edea!" The overly made-up sorceress turned and arched a perfectly-plucked eyebrow at her helper. "What did I tell you to call me?" Seifer sighed, made a quick bow, and corrected himself. "Edea Repulsa, we've tracked down the SeeDs! She tapped a finger against her chin in thought, then spun her throne around to face the hulking form behind the two of them. "Raijin! How is my ship coming along?" "Well, uh, I sorta dropped a monkey wrench on my toes, and it hurt real bad, ya know? Then Seifer kissed the boo-boo and made it all better, and-" "I told you NOT to talk about that!" "Woah, I'm real sorry, ya know! Uh, anyways, the ship's gonna be ready real soon, Miss Repulsa! And the other experiment is ready to go... ya know... the..." He paused to swallow and look around fearfully. "Ya know... the scary one." Edea's smile spread, like the greedy fingers of strip mall developers into innocent suburbs. "Excellent. Put the results on-screen... we'll test them against those SeeDs." Seifer turned to watch the viewscreen, paling as soon as the image on it focused. There was a veritable army of pale, greyish figures there, each identical in its shape and expression. And it was the scariest thing he'd ever seen. "And now... for my army of... FUDDIES!" As Edea threw her head back and laughed maniacally, Seifer and Raijin both stared at the sea of Fujin clones with fear in their eyes. "Dude, this is real scary, ya know?" "Yeah, I know." "Seifer, can I have a hug?" The blonde took three careful steps away from his partner. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA*cough*." Edea carefully cleared her throat, then looked around for her class of water. She took one delicate sip, cleared her throat again, and continued. "AND NOW, SEEDS, YOU WILL PAY! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" "I could really use that hug, ya know?" "Leave me alone, Raijin." * * * * * [Rinoa walks onto the screen, while Important Music plays in the background.] Hi! I'm Rinoa, and I have something to tell all the girls watching this show. I liked Seifer, and then I liked Squall. And then I started thinking about Seifer again, because he's taller than Squall and that's pretty neat. [Fujin's voice from off-stage says, "SHALLOW."] Quiet, you albino weirdo. Tee hee! Anyways, I ended up falling for Squall. You know why? Because he never tried to make me do anything I didn't want to do, and that's important! So girls, never do anything you don't wanna do, and make sure you base your relationships on something important, like trust, love, and- [Irvine walks by and waves to Rinoa.] Ooh! He's taller than Squall, too! [Rinoa runs off, leaving an empty screen behind.] THESE HAVE BEEN WORDS OF WISDOM FOR ALL THE LITTLE ANGSTERS WATCHING. * * * * * Notes: ... don't ask. ^_^;;; Thanks to Todd for the name and title.