Mighty Angstin' GF Rangers Episode Three: Many Many Parodies! Wow, that mecha looks bishounen! by Todd Harper (started by Illyria) * * * * * When last we left our brave SeeDs, they were bickering over how exactly to defeat the oncoming horde of blue-haired, deadpan-voiced Fuddies, which were thankfully approaching at the same speed as glacial drift. "[RAGE!]" they chorused. "...very very very very very very very..." "Call me queen!" "Squall, will you DO something? This isn't faimmmph! MMMMPH!" (Why am I surprisingly turned on by Quistis tying Zell up?), Squall thought. (Why am I surprisingly turned on by Squall being turned on by Quistis tying Zell up?), Irvine thought. "Uh, guys..." Selphie tried to cut in, eyeing the approaching tide of Fuddies with trepidation. "...very very very very very very..." "Uh, hey, Squall... have you ever..." "Guys? GUYS?" "Oooooohohohohoho!" "[SHUT THE HELL UP!]" came a voice so thunderingly loud and low it sounded as if it was coming from everywhere at once. The entire group stopped in their tracks (in comically frozen poses which defied physics) to turn and look at Selphie, who stowed her Garden-issue Bitchin' Big Megaphone (only $29.95, order yours today!) and coughed. "I want to kill, damnit! Murder! Death! DESTRUCTION!" the cute, sunny girl foamed, twisting her hands with cheerful shoujo bloodlust. "Let's get a grip here, Selphie," Irvine said, giving a tip of his cowboy hat/helmet and smiling bishounenly. "Uh, Irvine?" Selphie said, confused. "I'm over here." Squall gave Irvine a weird look, then sidled a few steps to the left and pointed at the oncoming horde of disposable badguys. "...Whatever. Time to fight. You all know the drill." Quistis sighed, placing her boot squarely in Zell's back and leaning her arm on her knee. "Squall... you can't be serious. You have no idea what this is doing to my back." "MMmph!" "Quiet, slave!" Sighing, Squall shook his head and downshifted from the Annoyed Brood to the Annoyed But Possibly Getting Testy Brood, indicating a .05% shift of his facial features from their standard position. "Maybe, but it's in the SeeD regulations. Everyone assume the position." "Yay, the position!" Rinoa squealed, bending over and shaking her backside in the air. "Not that position, Rinoa," Selphie said in a worried tone, shifting her gaze between Rinoa and Squall, the latter at least having the decency to cover his face with his hands. "But..." "Get into position, worm!" Quistis snapped (literally), and Rinoa scurried into formation with the rest of the SeeDs (save Zell, who trailed behind Quistis like a purse on an exceptionally long single strap). The Fuddies continued to advance about as rapidly as Imperial Stormtroopers; that is to say, at about fifty paces an hour. However, the camera suddenly panned up to reveal Selphie in a perfect aerial somersault, landing in a powerpose that would make Yoga masters give up their beds of nails and learn macrame. The other SeeDs soon followed suit, although Zell looked more like he was thrown over the camera than anything else. Squall was the last, and as he landed large blasts of colored smoke erupted behind the team. "Yellow SeeD!" Selphie exclaimed, doing a complicated kata, the jumping up and down and waving her arms in the air. "B! A! L! A! M! B! Balamb! Balamb! GOOOOO VOLTRON FORCE!" "Blue SeeD!" Rinoa squealed, running straight at the camera with her eyes shut as flower petals swirled about her, until she smacked into the lens and fell over. "Pink SeeD," Quistis said calmly, flipping a lock of hair over her shoulder and looking intractably ice-cold and beautiful. "Mmmph!" Zell attempted to say, flopping around like a mackerel. "Tan SeeD," Irvine crooned bishounenly, tipping his hat/helmet/whatever at the camera and smiling winningly. "...Whatever," Squall concluded, continuing to brood and look intractable. "GO BALAMB RANGERS!" the group chorused. "[RAGE!]" the Fuddies replied as one, before the SephyZord dropped out of the sky and crushed the lot of them in one fell swoop. "...You've got to be kidding," Irvine managed to say, he and Squall recovering first with their Bishounen Auras of Cool. "...That's kind of gross. What IS that they were made of?" Quistis asked, turning her head slightly and grimacing. "Trepe-san, it appears that the Fuddies were made of a combination of scampi prawns and fois gras! Back to you," said an offstage voice. "What?" "Oh my god, that's disgusting! Squall, save me from the disgusting goo!" Rinoa wailed, latching onto Squall, who sighed and looked around for a handy prybar to get her off of his arm. "DAMN, that mecha is HOT!" Selphie exclaimed, hearts in her eyes. All eyes turned to her, and she giggled. "Well, come on. It's a giant bishounen engine of death and destruction! It's the TOTAL PACKAGE!" Quistis hmmed, appraising the giant Sephiroth-shaped battle mech that loomed in front of the SeeDs. "It does have such a... BIG sword..." she mused thoughtfully. Finally breaking free of the whip with Quistis' distraction Zell hmphed and turned away. "It's not the size that counts! It's how you use it!" Naturally, at that comment, the SephyZord lowered one giant mechanical bishounen hand to point at the SeeDs, revealing a bank of machine guns housed in the fingers. "...#$*%^&!" Zell exclaimed, having graduated from the Highwind Charm School with full honors. "RUN AWAY!" Rinoa screamed, turning and fleeing at high speed, dragging Squall after her with the strength of codependence. The other SeeDs followed suit as the SephyZord opened fire. "We've got to combine our Zords," Squall said broodingly, despite the fact that Rinoa's speed was making him flap out along behind her horizontally like a penant. The camera panned back to the SephyZord, which continued it's rampage in slow motion, but somehow retaining the dark, brooding beauty of the bishounen, a mark to the craftsmanship of the makers. Naturally, by the time the focus returned to the SeeDs, they were settling into the cockpits of their Zords, because while heroic powerposing slows time to a crawl, villainous powerposing speeds it up in ways that would make Einstein's head explode. "Alright, let's get this over with," Squall intoned, settling into the BahamutZord's cockpit. "Form feet and slacks!" As a techno remix of "Eyes on Me" played in the background, the QuetZord and the ShivaZord flew into the air, twisting and changing shape until they had formed a perfect pair of khakis with black wingtips. Mechanical, of course. "Form arms and body!" The DiabloZord and the SirenZord flew together and merged, combining to form a paunchy, white-shirted torso with matching arms. "Form ugly necktie!" "...I'm not doing this!" Zell's voice said over the comm speakers. "You can't make me!" There was the sound of a whipcrack, and Zell eep'ed. "Alright, fine, FINE!" Grumbling the entire time, the TonberryZord flew to meet the body, becoming an ugly green necktie that attached to the front of the shirt. "...Whatever," Squall added finally, the BahamutZord doing a complicated aerial twirl before twisting its shape into a giant head and attaching to the top of the in-progress supermecha. "KramerZord complete!" all six SeeDs chorused, the sun glinting off the fifty-foot armored frame of a mechanical Cid Kramer. "Ah, SeeDs!" came the voice of Edea Repulsa from the loudspeakers of the SephyZord. "Finally you show up! Prepare to die! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahahaha!" Naturally, the movements of the SephyZord's mouth were about a minute and a half out of sync with the actual laughing. "Edea Repulsa!" everyone but Irvine shouted, with Rinoa and Selphie sounding shocked, Zell sounding angry, and Quistis and Squall sounding bored. "Mommy!" Irvine bawled, sobbing onto his console. "Irvine... WHY do you keep doing that?" Quistis asked, raising an eyebrow. "Errr... nothing, sorry," the gunman replied, straightening his jacket. "What I meant was: Edea Repulsa?!" "Your evil schemes end here, Edea," Squall deadpanned. "Edea REPULSA to you, peon!" the SephyZord bellowed mechanically. "Seifer, kill them!" "You're going down, Squall!" the (badly-dubbed) sorcereress' knight said confidently, bringing the SephyZord's Mechasune to bear. "Oooh, Seifer!" Rinoa squealed, staring at her viewscreen. "I defect, I defect!" "Rinoa!" the others save Squall chorused. "Sorry!" Squall sighed. (Why am I stuck with these morons? This uniform is too tight.) "...Whatever. FORM BLAZING GUNBLADE!" Bringing its hands together and then stretching them apart, the KramerZord created its signature weapon, a ten story gunblade, and brought it to the ready position. "GO BALAMB RANGERS!" the SeeDs yelled. "Now remember, Squall," Quistis chimed in calmly. "Use the R1 button to trigger the gunblade when you hit!" "...You don't need to keep reminding me of that, Instructor," Squall said dryly, eyebrow twitching. With that, the fight was on, as a driving trance mix of "Liberi Fatali" boomed on the soundtrack. The two giant mecha pilots were obviously an even match, clashing blade to blade. "My turn, my turn!" Selphie exclaimed suddenly, jamming the buttons on her panel. "ROCKET LAUNCHERS, FIRE!" On cue, Cid's necktie flipped up (with much screaming from Zell) to reveal a huge stack of missiles, all of which launched themselves at the enemy SephyZord with if not unerring, then at least enthusiastic accuracy. "GO go go! Boom boom BOOM!" Selphie chanted, rocking back and forth in her pilot chair. However, the resulting kick from the missile launch threw the KramerZord incredibly off-balance, sending the giant mecha headmaster sprawling to the ground. "Selphie, you IDIOT!" Quistis groaned. "Now, you're MINE, SeeDs!" Seifer yelled, twisting the SephyZord and coming in for a final stab. "Yay!" Rinoa screamed. "I'm Seifer's!" "Not the face! NOT THE FACE!" Squall suddenly squealed, crying like a baby. "#$(*!" Zell added eloquently. "Irvine! You've got to use the Gravity Shooter, or we're all history!" Quistis demanded, gripping the arms of her pilot chair. "Alright! Just leave it to the best shooter in Garden!" Irvine boasted confidently. Long moments of Slow Time(tm) passed. Nothing happened. "...Irvine?" Selphie inquired nervously. "...I can't! I can't shoot!" the gunman bawled, bowing his head low. "Oh, brother. Not this again..." "WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" Zell screamed, thrashing in his chair. * * * * * Meanwhile, back at Balamb Garden, the giant floating holographic head of Cid Kramer was watching the viewscreen with increasing nervousness. "Oh dear, I don't know that they're going to survive..." "It's likely because you keep sending that Kinneas boy into high stress situations," observed a blocky mechanical man dressed in a Galbadian military officer's uniform who wandered about the hangar. "Yes, yes, General CalloBot, maybe so. Hmmm. Oh dear, oh dear," the floating head fretted. "I think we need to release the secret weapon we've had the entire time yet haven't mysteriously used for some unknown reason." CalloBot would have raised an eyebrow, if he'd had them. "You don't mean..." "Yes." "...Bloody hell." * * * * * (This is the end... what a stupid way to die. I hate these people. Still, I guess they're my friends...) "WAAAH! Squall, we're gonna die!" Rinoa squealed. "Come do me like an animal!" (...Whatever.) Naturally, just as the SephyZord was preparing for the final stroke with the Mechasune, there was a sudden flash of green, before a thousand sharp needle-shaped projectiles buried themselves in the giant bishounen badguy, sending it flying backward to the horizon. "Looks like Seiferoth is blasting off agaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaain!" Seifer screamed through the loudspeaker, until it as cut off by a loud *ting* noise. "We're saved!" Zell shouted, continuing to bounce about as best he could in the cramped space of the NecktieZord. "But by who?" Quistis asked, staring at her viewscreen. The clouds of dust suddenly cleared, and as they did, they revealed a tall, green mecha, standing grandiosely in the sunlight. A giant cactus, with a handlebar mustache. "...You've got to be kidding," Selphie said, crestfallen. "We were saved by a saguaro with a handlebar mustache!" * * * * * Back in her as-of-yet undefined HQ, Edea Repulsa studied her crystal ball carefully. "Curses! Giant Floating Holographic Head of Cid Kramer, I have underestimated you. But no matter!" Turning away with a sweeping gesture, she stepped out of the chamber. "I'll get you next time, SeeDs! Next time!" * * * * * "Indeed!" boomed a voice from the giant cactus, as a man in a green bodysuit rappelled down the side. "This is the Mega CactaurZord, and I am your newest member, the Green SeeD!" "Wait a minute..." Zell said, sounding confused. "Irvine's the sixth member, and he's from a different school. HE'S the Green SeeD!" "I keep telling you, I'm the TAN SEED!" Irvine shouted back. "There IS no Tan SeeD!" Zell shouted back. "Don't you watch the show?" The conversation was interrupted by a loud *CRACK* noise. Silence followed it for a good long while before Squall spoke up. "What was that, exactly?" he said calmly, trying to keep his Annoyed But Ready To Kill Brood up. "The fourth wall cracking, you idiots!" the author's voice boomed. "What the HELL?" Zell shouted. "Now you're self-inserting!" Sighing, Squall leaned his forehead against the viewscreen as another loud *CRACK* reverberated through the area. "Iris out already..." * * * * * TO BE CONTINUED! WHO is the Green SeeD? WHERE did the Mega Cactaur come from? HOW did Edea Repulsa get enough fois gras to make an army of Fuujin clones only to have it wasted in an ironic twist? FIND OUT... NEXT TIME! * * * * * [Irvine walks onto the screen, while Important Music plays in the background.] "Hi, kids! I'm Irvine, and I'm here to teach you how to find casual sex. Believe me, I know all about that, especially when you look at doujinshis. I didn't even realize guys found me irresistible, too! Now, the first thing you have to do is... what? Yeah, I got this approved. Yes, I'm sure! Now, can I fini-" THESE HAVE BEEN WORDS OF WISDOM FOR ALL THE LITTLE ANGSTERS WATCHING. * * * * * Author's Notes: Well, wow. That was a long chibi part. But hopefully funny. Thanks to Kate and Illyria for prereading, and thanks for Illyria also for public service announcement at the end. I had a lot of fun writing this. This is what impro should be like. ^_^ -Todd PS: I swear, I don't hate Rinoa as much as it appears. (Yes you do, admit it.) Shut up, Illyria! >.<