A hugemongous mouse (the clicking variety, not the squeaking) swooped massively over a mousepad roughly the size of the Russian steppes. Upon closer inspection, the mousepad sported gigantic white letters on a black background that read "LOVE AND PEACE." Iz-chan, floating comfortably in the inky black void of space, sipped a latte and double clicked on the DEUS EXCEL icon. Well, not so much "sipped" as "inserted mug into swirling vortex of stars", but you get the idea. A vid-screen popped up on Iz-Chan's desktop. "I, Koshi Rikudo, am damn sick of this Deus Excel farce, and hereby allow it to go no further than the end of this horribly miserable chapter! Hah! It's about time I started throwing my weight around. It's not even a proper Impro, for godssake! It's just a stunted CotM! Oh, how did I ever fall so low.... hey, ack! Damn! It's the SirCam virus! Cease gnawing on my leg, you worm! KOSHI RIKUDO VANISH!" And in a poof of pink smoke with tiny cherubs, little hearts, and many many many little sparkly glittery bits, the vidscreen closed. Iz-chan sighed. "Hai, hai." She reached again for the mouse, only to notice that it had suddenly grown an afro. "Ore..... Mousebeshin." *LOADING* DEUS EXCEL by Lawrence Chu (very(very(very))) loosely based on situations by Warren Spector/ION Storm/EIDOS Interactive characters are property of Koshi Rikudo. Chapter title - Eh, To Hell With This... This chapter by - Chamelaeon Q. K. Wombatowski (Damn name keeps getting longer.) Reserved, blah, copyrights, blah, fish squeezing, blah, Deus Excel, blah blah blah DON'T SUE THE POOR LITTLE BROKE WOMBAT! I'M JUST A COLLEGE STUDENT! *sob* *LOADING* *Sounds of the plot fast forwarding can be heard.* --Puuchuu Spaceship --Time: Theoretically, the fourth dimension, although some theorize that... oh, right. Right. Game. Moving on. *ahem* --Date: Hell, I don't know. Don't you have a desk calendar? --Dostoevsky's Left Lung: Probably rotted to dirt by now, don't you think? X-Agent XL sat in the depths of the Puuchuu ship and pondered Life, the Universe, and Breakfast. So much had happened to her over the course of this story... or rather, not all that much HAD, per se, but she was supposed to act like it had or something, and she wasn't so sure she really understood the memo that'd been passed around about it all earlier today, since it was written in Puuchuu. She'd learned a little Puuchuuspeke in her time with the yellow aliens, although most of it was limited to "lunch" (Puupuchuu), "dinner" (Puuchuu Puuchuu), "attack" (Puuchuchuu) and "scary blonde lady who's actually allied with our cause of stopping the damned UNATCO from taking over the world, or something like that" (Puu). So. Despite the "plot" confusions, XL was determined to do this right. The Puuchuus said that all she had to do now was stop UNATCO and the group behind it, the SOOPER SEKRIT SOCIETY FOR WORLD DOMINANCE AND STUFF OF THAT SORT (SSSFWDASOTS). She remembered the head Puuchuu telling her the plan like it was a flashback... "Puuchuu puuchupuchupu pupuchuchupupuchuchu pupuu!" [Look, it's all very simple. Work your way inside the SSSFWDASOTS base, find the supercomputer running the show, and blow it to kingdom come.] XL powerposed. "Hai! I, X-Cellent X-Agent XL, shall avenge the death of Ex-Agent Hyatt and the thousands of other people summarily killed in the progression of this fusion!" "...Puchuu." [...Right.] Ex-Agent Hyatt stood up from where the Puuchuus had flung her carelessly, thinking, of course, that she was indeed dead. "Ano, XL-san, I'm not quite dead yet.." "Ack! What the hell is this! Now you're not only mysteriously dying, you're recycling jokes from entirely different shows?! And British humour, no less! Oh, Ilpalatzo-sama was right, before the evil SSSFWDASOTS took over his long- haired head! This fic IS rotten!" Tears of pain and anguish streamed down XL's face. One-celled organisms began small colonies in the pools thusly formed. Within minutes, they had invented not only the transistor, but perfected the use of caffiene as a stimulant. But that is neither here, nor there. Except for when it is. But right now, it is not. Ahem. To move on. *A conga beat starts.* The head Puuchuu shook his massive yellow head and continued with the briefing. "Puuchuchuchcuchuchuchupupupuchupu chupupu puchuchupu puchupuchupu! Pu, puchup, puchuch puu puuu puCHUCHU! PuuChuuuu." [Normally, to defeat a supercomputer, we would equip you with the deadly Code Puuchuu virus, which contains devestatingly cute code, and causes the electronic brain of the computer to lock up in adoration. XL, it should be sufficient for you to even talk to the poor thing. If that fails, just chuck Hyatt's body at it.] XL began dancing madly. "It's all almost over! Soon we'll have blown up the computer, and saved the world! Right, Hyatt?" Hyatt, true to form, coughed and collapsed. "What, dammit! Dead again!" "Puuchuchuchupuchuchupuuchu!" [XL! For your dedication, you get a 100 point badge!] With a flick of the wrist, the head Puuchuu tossed a 100-point medal, ninja style. Speaking of years of practice, it stuck square on XL's chest. "Puuchuu! PUUCHUU!" [Wear it with pride, X-Agent XL! Now, DANCE!] *crazy space music starts* Suddenly, a hatch flew open, and a head popped out. An afroed head. "Ore..... *pause* Nabeshin." "What! Nabeshin!" XL flailed wildly. "What the hell are you doing here?" "The plot was in danger of becoming cohesive. I must use my Afro Powers to combat that danger!" He posed. "AFRO SCENE CHANGE!" *Schwoop!* *SAVING (Cos Iz-Chan knows, we need to.)* *LOADING* And now, it's time for ZEN TIGER THEATER! Starring your favorite characters whom you've never met before and aren't actually in either series which this impro combines, Mr. Tiger and Mr. Rabbit! Mr. Tiger: Say, Mr. Rabbit. Why do all the girls go for Nabeshin?" Mr. Rabbit: I don't know, Mr. Tiger. Why DO all the girls go for Nabeshin?" Mr. Tiger: Because, Mr. Rabbit, he has an AFRO! Both characters pose in front of a picture of Mt. Fuji with a crashing wave in front of it. Then Mr. Tiger eats Mr. Rabbit. *LOADING* "What horrible writing that was!" XL murmured, if by murmured you mean screamed loudly. "Space-filling, I *cough* assume," hacked Hyatt. "Where did I put my codiene?" XL shrugged. "Whatever! Now, I, XL, must infiltrate the base of the SSSFWDASOTS and destroy that supercomputer!" She took off running, tripped over a stuffed squirrel that had been left on the sidewalk and not removed by the ContinuitySweepers, and slammed facefirst into the ground. "Ow." *LOADING* "Now, after massive facial reconstructive surgery which miraculously only took a few minutes even though I look as good as the day I was born, and have no apparent scars or lesions, and even despite the fact that only a mere minute has passed yet I am not still wearing bandages or wrappings or things of that sort that one would expect after massive facial reconstructive surgery, but....." She trailed off. "What were you saying, XL-san?" Ha-chan prompted. "I don't remember! But this time, I shall avoid the squirrel!" X-Agent XL dashed off, indeed dodging the squirrel. As soon as she was out of sight, massive explosions occurred from the direction she'd gone in. "Oh, dear," Hyatt said, before coughing up a stream of blood and collapsing. *LOADING* XL wandered through the labyrinthine corridors of the SSSFWDASOTS supercomplex, buried deep beneath the SSSFWDASOTS superscraper, in the SSSFWDASOTS district of a sprawling urban metropolis known as the supercity of Bob. She was shooting crickets. "Ahahaha! Die, foul chirping beasts! You shall not escape my wrath!" *BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM* *LOADING* Nabeshin reached inside his 'fro, retrieving a glasscutter. Quickly and stealthily, he sliced a perfect circle in a skylight, high above the main floor of the SSSFWDASOTS building. "I'm the only character in the plot who knows about the deadly virus that SSSFWDASOTS is manufacturing, under the guise of UNATCO," he said to his afro. "XL is a good girl, and her heart is in the right place, but she'll never find the virus in time." Deftly, he picked up the circle of glass and set if carefully aside. "IT IS TIME," his afro boomed. "DESCEND, NABESHIN. DEFEAT THIS VIRUS BY DESTROYING THE HUGE NANOTECHNOMAKEYTHINGAMABOB, AND GET ME TO THAT SUPERCOMPUTER." "Yes, My Supreme 'Froness." Nabeshin pulled a grappling hook and repelling rope from The 'Fro, set it in place, and started sliding downwards into the darkness. *LOADING* YOU! lit a cigarette. "You thought I was going to be ignored in the finale, didn't you? You thought I'd have no plot left?" He paused, and took a long drag. "You're right. I am being ignored. Damn this chibi." He proceeded to explode. *LOADING* X-Agent XL climbed down a ladder, and proceeded to lay down a barrage of suppressing fire at the glass windows and generally technical equipment that showed absolutely no signs of moving, and certainly not of life. It sounded something like this. *BRATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATAT*, except maybe a little moreso. *The conga beat starts again! Come on, you improers! DANCE YOUR FANNIES OFF!* XL surveyed the X-glass hallway where she'd landed. Satisfying herself that nothing even threatened to twitch, she reached into her pocket and began taking notes. "So. I killed 14 more Grey Men, about 142 SSSFWDASOTS Agents, some creepy spider bot things that made little lighting bolts flash in my eyes, and ... " *Chirpchirp* *X-Agent XL. This is Koshi Rikudo. Hurry it up, the readers are getting bored. Hell, the author has a shorter attention span than a Tater Tot. Let's get a move on.* "HAAAAI, RIKUDO-SAMA!" She chucked the notebook over her shoulder, hoisted the Really Big Gun She'd Forgotten The Name Of, and charged forward. The room she entered was circular in nature, And a Gigantic Fricking Thing was sitting in the middle of it. It was huge! It was shiny! It was .... A massive Espresso machine. "SUGOI....." XL's eyes went shiny and she began drooling. "It's Puuchuu-rific! Puuchuu-tastic! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT PUUCHUU!" "XL," the espresso machine boomed. "XL. I have been watching you for some time now." "ACK!" XL shrieked. "It's not right to do that! It's bad and wrong and nasty and evil, and, hey, when did I turn into Yuki?" The Caffeinated Monstrosity sweatdropped. "Um. Not quite like that, XL. You see, you are the perfect scion of Chaos. I am the perfect scion of Order. Together, we would be unstoppable!" "Ano...." XL blinked. "Would I get free Mochachinnos?" *Action music! Don't change the channel quite yet!* "Don't do it, XL!" Nabeshin dropped, quite literally, through the ceiling, leaving a Nabeshin-shaped hole. He hopped up, perfectly unharmed. "Don't merge with The Ultimate Coffee Machine! He only wants to use you!" Windmilling backwards, XL blinked several times. "Ano.... who the hell are you?" "Ore..... Nabeshin." Girls across the country swooned as The Afro wiggled slightly. Then it spoke. "XL. I AM _THE_AFRO_. I HAVE EVOLVED INTO A SYMBOTIC RELATIONSHIP WITH NABESHIN. DON'T JOIN THAT HUGE HULKING REJECT FROM STARBUCKS. JOIN US, INSTEAD!" "No, XL. Join with me! Merge with me! We shall be the Ultimate!" "OH, SHUT UP, YOU OVERBEARING WINDBAG. YOU MUST HAVE THOUSANDS OF BUBBLES IN YOUR PIPING, JUDGING FROM ALL THE HOT AIR YOU SPEW." "You're one to talk about spweing things, you portal to another dimension. When was the last time Nabeshin washed your nappy self?" "YESTERDAY, IF YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW. I'M JUST NATURALLY FLUFFY." "I'll bet. I've seen the size of Nabeshin's hair care bill..." The two Supreme Beings continued arguing, as XL sidled up to Nabeshin. "Ne, Nabeshin. How the hell did you get roped into this?" "The guns got me. Once he showed me how to pull giant AK-47s from the recesses of space-time, I was hooked. It's really quite useful, you k-" A booming noise could be heard, and a huge pink beam shot through an opposite door. "PUUCHUUUUU!" [X-AGENT XL!] The Head Puuchuu stood beyond the blasted door, holding the Soul Gun. "Puuchuchchuchupupuchupupu! Chupupuchupuchuchupu, chuchupuchu!" [I figured you might waver in your resolve, so I came here to bolster your spirits! Go, XL, and destroy The Afro and The Ultimate Coffee Machine!] XL looked back and forth in confusion. "I don't know what to do! Ah, if only my poor Ilpalatzo-sama hadn't been taken over! He would know!" *SAVING* *LOADING* Inspiration struck. "I know!" said XL. "The world needs perking up! The Ultimate Coffee Machine, I choose you!" Taking a running leap, XL dived headfirst at the espresso machine. Many many many sparks and lights and flashes and booms and zz and crackle and hoo, boy. I'll just leave the rest up to your imagination, since the author seems to have run out of adjectives/verbs for electricity. In the end, however, a wholly new being stood before the assembled Evil Society Leaders. "I AM XL-PRESSO. ONLY I CAN RULE THE WORLD. ONLY I CAN MANAGE THE COMPLICATED EQUATIONS THAT GUIDE YOUR LIVES. ONLY I.... DOES SOMEONE ELSE SMELL BURNING? OH, CRAP! MINE ARSE IS AFLAME! AAARGH!" The resulting explosion not only leveled the floor, but set off the fusion reactors, and then cracked the earth's core, and then, well.... you can guess the rest. *THE END* *LOADING* Inspiration struck. "I know!" said XL. "The world is in need of cute!" She turned, bowed to the Puuchuu leader, and then spun around fast, lacerating both The Afro and The Espresso Machine with large caliber bullets. "Hahaha!" XL posed. "The world will no longer be rotten! Cute shall rule all!" She laughed maniacally. "Puuuchupupupuuu, chupupuchuu." [You have done well, XL. Return with me to the ship for your next 100 Point Badge.] "Haii!" XL dutifully trotted along, until a hand shot out and grabbed her ankle. "Damn... you... XL....," Nabeshin groaned. "How... could you?" "Aack! You're supposed to be dead! But I should be used to that, considering Ha-chan and all.... But don't touch me!" She jerked away, and a single grenade flew out of her jacket, landing squarely under the fusion reactor again. You can guess the result. Boom, indeed. *THE END* *LOADING* Inspiration struck. "I know!" said XL. "I've tried every other damn ending, this has to be the right one! Let's go, Nabeshin!" "You've made a wise choice, X-Agent XL," Nabeshin said, eyes glinting. "COME, LET US RULE FROM THE SHADOWS AS INTENDED, XL," said The Afro. "But first...." Nabeshin withdrew an obscenelyt large amount of weaponry out of The Afro, and proceeded to lay waste to the facility. Being the impeccable shot he was, the reactor remained untouched. Puuchuu guts and espresso were lining the walls as Nabeshin, his Fro, and XL began walking back up to the surface. "Ne, Fro-san!" piped XL. "When do I get my own funky hair symbiote....?" *THE (REAL) END* Author's Notes: The Final Author ceased typing disgustedly. "Well, that went not so well. But at least it's a part. Hmm. Hey, two parts in two years.... that's not so bad a scheme..." Koshi Rikudo stealthily snuck into the Final Author's dorm room. Slowly, he raised his sword, as Cham sang. "o/~La, la, la, Chibi-authors are the scum of the earth - it doesn't matter if one dies...." Rikudo slammed the blade down in front of Cham. "Eek," was Cham's response. "You've bastardized my lovely Excel Saga! Chu at least made it partially decent! This, the ENDING, supposedly the best part because it's OVER, is the worst part! How did you do that!" Rikudo began sobbing. Cham stealthily snuck out the back door, leaving a note reading "Thanks to Chu, for the opportunity to write again. Thanks to Koshi Rikudo for Excel Saga, thanks to Mecha for waiting to go on a Bigfoot Hunt till I was finished, and thanks as always to Kitty. this was actually kinda fun. I'd forgotten that impro was supposed to be that way." Chamelaeon Q. K. Wombatowski