Gaijin Dan Mastriani and Improfanfic present
Quite possibly the most ludicrous idea Dan Mastriani has ever had:

              Castlevania 1970: Disco of Evil



    Who's the mean Black Priest who drives all the undead wild?
    "Shaft!"
    You damn right. And who's the slick creep that don't let Dracula stay
asleep?
    "Shaft!"
    You damn right. You know, I hear that Shaft is one bad mother...
    "Shut yo' mouth!"
    Just talkin' 'bout Shaft.
    "We can dig it!"

    After 200 years sleep, the half vampire son of Dracula, Alucard, once again
rose from the grave. Damn 18th century alarm clock. Strolling majestically to
his front door, Alucard opened it gracefully and was summarily buried in 200
years worth of unopened mail.
    After two weeks of applying his Mad Vampiric Reading Skeelz around the
clock, and throwing away all the bills, Alucard had whittled down the pile of
mail to letters he had received within the last five years. He read aloud: "Join
the Columbia House Record Club, 500 hours of AOL free, bill, bill, join the
Columbia House Record Club, bill, AOL, bill, join Columbia House, join BMG Music
Club, AOL, Publisher's Clearing House, AOL, AOL, Columbia...hm, what's this? A
letter from my father's castle?" Alucard sliced open the envelope with a sword
from his oversized collection, prompting the number "9999" to appear over it
briefly, and the summary disintegration of said envelope leaving only the letter
behind.

"Dear Young Master,
    I hope this letter finds you well. Having taken to fighting against your
father the last few centuries, I thought you might like to know that Castlevania
has once again appeared upon the earthly plain, and the Black Priest Shaft has
once again raised Lord Dracula from eternal slumber. Included are a map of the
castle as it now stands, directions to the castle, and information on the latest
descendant of the Belmont clan: Robert. That will be $1000.

    Have a nice day,
       The Master Librarian"

    Alucard nodded to himself. "So, my father is up to evil once more. Surely it
is up to myself and this Robert Belmont to defeat him and restore peace to the
world. I must embark upon this quest immediately, lest the world be plunged into
darkness! But first, I must pay my bills."

    "My most funkadelic dark master, Dracula!" intoned the Black Priest Shaft.
"You are awake and jiving once again! Please, let your humble servant know your
first request!"
    Dracula stirred in his throne, thinking deeply. "I wish...for you to kill
Yoshitaka Amano. His drawings make me look like a girl."
    "I dig that groove, my lord and master! It shall be done! But what of your
son Alucard, and the latest heir to the Belmont line, Robert? Should we not
prepare for them?"
    Dracula leaned to the other side of his throne. "Send some obviously
incompetent minions. This has never worked in the past, but being the extremely
arrogant master of evil that I am, I am quite sure that this time will break
tradition."

    "But, Mom! Stuff comes out when I do it!" whined the teenage heir to the
Belmont line, Robert.
    "I do not care, Robert! This is the last time you will destroy a brand new
candelabra with that musty old whip of yours!" scolded back Robert's mother.
"Must I remind you of the horrible fiasco when we visited the Winesteins during
Chanukah?"
    "No, Mom, but look! A magic dagger fell out of this one!"
    "Oh, good lord! That tears it! No son of mine will be playing with magical
daggers that fall out of broken candelabras! You are grounded, young man!" Mrs.
Belmont pointed to Robert's room sternly. Defeated, the young man stalked off to
go read the latest issue of Whipping Things Monthly. "And you are absolutely not
to read that horrible magazine about whipping things!" Or not.
    Frankly, he just didn't understand his mother's attitude. Whipping things is
what Belmonts do! At least, that had been what his father always taught him.
"Son," he'd always said. "We're Belmonts. We whip things. That's what we do.
This is very important, as some day a bizarre item falling out of a whipped
candle may save your life." The young boy had taken those words to heart, but
still his habits had angered his mother. Ah, if only his father hadn't
disappeared mysteriously five years ago. Or gotten lost walking to the
supermarket. Either could have happened. It was hard to tell with Edward
Belmont.

    Somewhere, Edward Belmont was doing something. However, I won't tell you
where or what, as that would ruin the surprise.

    Alucard, having sent many checks to many utility companies, was finally on
his way to the address for Robert Belmont provided by the Master Librarian. He
stalked purposely down the street, not owning a car, until a nearby pay
telephone rang. Deciding to answer this nearby pay telephone, Alucard lifted the
receiver from its cradle and spoke into it. "Hello?" he said.
    "Is this a Mr. A La Carte?" asked the operator.
    "Do you mean Alucard?" inquired Alucard.
    "Yes, that's it. You have a collect call from a Mr. Master Librarian. Would
you like to accept the charges?" queried the operator.
    "Yes, I shall accept them," didn't question Alucard, as that had been a
statement.
    "Young Master? Is that you?" The Master Librarian's voice was far away and
tinny, which made sense seeing as he was calling long distance.
    "Yes, it is I, Alucard, the cursed half-breed son of Dracula whose human and
vampire natures ever war with each other and who struggles to do good in the
face of overwhelming evil."
    "I charge $20 for listening to exposition. I'll add it to your tab."
    Were he not too cool and bishonen to do so, Alucard might have had a large,
comical bead of sweat appear humorously behind his head. But this isn't that
type of series. Well, maybe a little.
    The Librarian continued. "I've just called to tell you that a group of
obviously incompetent minions have been dispatched by Lord Dracula your father
to kill you and the young Belmont boy, so you should probably watch out. I
thought you'd like to know. That warning will be $50."
    Alucard hung up the phone.

    WHIP! Robert cracked his weapon of choice viciously at the spot of thin air
he'd been targeting. WHIP! Yeah, that would've busted some candles! WHIP! Robert
had to face it. Being grounded was boring as hell. Locked in his room with no
candles. "Man, I really wish something would happen," wished Robert. As we all
know, this is a very stupid thing to say in this sort of story. Appropriately, a
troop of fish-men and zombies took this opportunity to bust down a wall (the
fourth one. Heh, heh. Get it? Fourth wall? You know, 'cause this is a chibi and
there's lots of fourth wall breaking in those. It's a joke, see? You get it,
right? Don't you?).
    "..." said the monsters, not being able to talk.
    "$*%$@$!!" is what we'll say Robert said, as this is a family story and I
shouldn't like any heavy swearing. "What the hell are these things?"
    "..." answered the monsters, not being able to talk.
    Now, as an umpteenth generation vampire hunter with tremendous natural
ability and a really cool whip, Robert knew exactly what to do in this
situation. He screamed like a little girl. This proved ineffective against the
caliber of monster Robert faced. That is, stupid ones that don't expect powerful
heroes to come to the rescue.
    As it turned out, this is exactly what they should have expected, and not
the Spanish Inquisition. After all, no one expects the Spanish Inquisition, and
they weren't coming, anyway. What they should have expected, that being a hero
rushing to the rescue, came in the form of Alucard shoving his Ginzu Sword ($20
at a Samurai Pizza Cats auction on eBay) through the chest of a zombie. The
zombie promptly exploded in a burst of flame. Don't ask.
    "Are you Robert Belmont?" asked Alucard, just the sort to not mind being
surrounded by zombies and fish-men terribly much.
    "Monsters!" answered Robert, thereby not really telling Alucard what he'd
wanted to know.
    "Yes, but they're really just obviously incompetent minions. I wouldn't mind
them terribly much were I you." Alucard demonstrated by slashing a fish-man
lightly, causing it to spontaneously combust. "So, I ask again. Are you Robert
Belmont?"
    "Bob."
    "Pardon?"
    "Everyone calls me Bob."
    "Bob Belmont?"
    "Yeah. My dad was Ed Belmont."
    "I...see," replied Alucard, obviously not having expected such a decrease in
the Belmont line. Perhaps it was the result of inbreeding? That might explain a
few things, now that he though on it. But, that wasn't important now. "Well, Bob
Belmont! To your feet! We must vanquish these obviously incompetent minions
surely and swiftly if we are to defeat my father Dracula!"
    "Uh?" replied Bob, not quite catching that last bit.
    Despite being in the middle of causing bizarre monsters to blow up for no
adequately explained reason, Alucard simply couldn't deny the fans an
exposition. "For centuries now, the Belmont line of legendary vampire hunters
has warred with the great vampire Dracula, of whom I am the cursed half-breed
son whose human and vampire natures ever war with each other and who struggles
to do good in the face of overwhelming evil, defeating him so that the very
world might be spared from eternal darkness and damnation under his cruel and
evil rule. But, alas, every hundred years my father does yet rise again, once
again putting all humanity at the edge of grievous peril. Why, I recall not 400
years ago when I met Trevor Belmont, your noble ancestor and a vampire hunter of
great strength and fortitude, who defeated me and showed my eyes to the light
that is good, causing me to turn against my detestable father and join your
family in his undoing. We had an excellent beer drinking contest afterwards. Ask
me not who won, however, as I became far too drunk and thus do not remember.
Continuing along this line, whenever I have woken from my death-like, centuries
long sleep I have aided a member of your lineage in victory over the forces of
not-niceness. Regrettably, the vile Dracula rises once again. It is our duty,
no, sacred mission to defeat him and bring peace to the world! At least until
next Tuesday, which I have on good authority may be the Apocalypse. Details were
sketchy, however, and you should not quote me on that. I say, are you listening,
Bob Belmont?"
    While Bob Belmont was making some effort to pay attention, the fact that the
monsters had begun to advance on him during Alucard's speech was also taking up
some of his focus. Backed into a corner, Bob found himself with no recourse. He
once again screamed like a little girl. Noting this, Alucard sprung into action.
He swept his sword in a wide arc, defeating all the remaining monsters in a
single, fell swoop. Except for one that was currently leaping towards the young
Belmont and seemed to be a bit out of range. Time slowed, as this was a very
dramatic moment and as such merited a cool slow motion shot. The monster slid
forward through the air. Bob continued to scream. The monster moved. Bob
screamed. The monster moved. And then something struck Bob. It was a candle
catalogue that had fallen off the shelf above his head. But this brought Ed's
words back to Bob: "Some day a bizarre item falling out of a whipped candle may
save your life." Taking advantage of the extended time allotted for revelation
during an action sequence, Bob thought long and hard on this. An item? From a
candle? Or maybe, a candelabra! Reaching into his pocket, Bob drew forth the
magic dagger that had fallen from his mother's new candelabra. Having enough
hearts to make use of a special weapon, Bob hurled the pointy object into the
remaining beast's chest, whereupon both disintegrated in a rather underdone
special effect.
    "Good work, Bob Belmont! We have dispatched the obviously incompetent
minions to the very last! However, your hiding and cowering, while effective, do
not make full use of the resources available to you. Being near 600 years old,
surely I should offer you suggestions in improving your technique and surviving
the dangerous situations that are sure to arise on our perilous quest so that
you may become a vampire hunter of the same stature as your noble ancestors."
Alucard beamed at his new protégé.
    It was exactly at this moment that Mrs. Belmont burst into the room and,
surveying the damage, commenced to yell. "Robert Simon Trevor Lucy Belmont! WHAT
have you done to your room! You are grounded for TWO MORE YEARS! And clean this
mess up this very second!"
    Bob gulped. "Any suggestions, Alucard."
    Without deliberation, Alucard answered. "Yes. I suggest we run away."
    And so they did.

TO BE CONTINUE!

Author's Notes:
I wrote this in the span of approximately one day after purchasing Castlevania:
Symphony of the Night (excellent game, BTB) and having the idea pop into my head
the night of the sixth. As you can see, it's incredibly silly, rather short, and
has not be proofread a single iota. Hopefully, however, you'll find it
sufficiently amusing and vote for it anyhow. Please?