As the Wiener Mobile come Cursed Half Breed Son of Dracula Whose Human And Vampire Natures Eternally War With Each Other And Who Struggles To Do Good In The Face Of Overwhelming Evil Mobile sliced through the night sky, it became increasingly difficult for Alucard, the cursed half-bread son of Dracula whose human and vampire natures eternally war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil, to keep his cape from wrapping around his legs and looking overly effemenite. He was just about to climb down and sit in the passenger area with Plaz, when an envelope came careening at him at 200 plus miles per hour and lodged itself securely in his billowing hair. Any explicatives he might've uttered had he not been so damn bishounen were lost to the wind as he momentarily steadied himself against the large wiener and perused the envelope's front. A large running gag appeared over his head as he read, remarkably unaffected by the laws of physics or a person's tendancy to get car sick while reading at high speeds. Or maybe he didn't get sick due to him being half vampire and thus was granted an iron stomach because something like that would almost be close to plausible. "Young Master," the running gag read. Seeing as Mark Hamill wasn't around, Alucard opened the letter and read it himself. The running gag scrolled down and continued, "Hello. How are you? I am fine. The library is good. The castle is good. Hope you are good, too. Hugs and Kisses, The Librarian. That'll be twelve billion Lira." He looked at the paper quizzically, wondering what the charge was for before noticing that the scroll bar on the running gag had not yet reached it's bottom. "P.S. The IRSNinjaDeathSquad is waiting for you at their headquarters in the White House of Funk *handjive* and Evil!" Upon the instance of the message's completion, Alucard hit the square button and the running gag closed. A few minutes of deadpanning later, the cursed half breed son of Dracula whose human and vampire natures eternally war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil crumpled up the letter and let it fly over his shoulder, having already served it's purpose. "Bob," he said, completely ignoring the fact that technically, Bob shouldn't be able to hear anything he's saying. "Fly us to the White House." Bob looked away from where his feet were tied to boxes to allow him to press the gas pedal effectively. "Which one? There are lots of white houses down there--" "Yes, but only one of them has capital letters." "But I don't know how to get there, I don't even know where we are now!!" "Where are we right now, anyway?" Plaz asked in between staring out at the sparkling night's sky and listening to her friend's conversation. Bob shrugged worriedly and did his best to make a good show of flying a giant sausage with wings, "I don't know..." "Oh. Well, where are we going?" she asked. "The White House." "Which one?" "The one with capital letters," Bob supplied, slightly annoyed. "How are we going to get there?" "I don't know..." He said, slightly more annoyed. "Why are we going there?" Plaz turned more to face him. "I don't know! Ask Al!" "Don't call me 'Al'," Al, the cursed half breed son of Dracula whose human and vampire natures eternally war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil, yelled from atop the giant beef frank. "Alucard? Why are we going to the White House?" She yelled towards the ceiling. "Because I said so," the cursed half breed son of dracula whose human and vampire natures eternally war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil stated, matter of factly. "Why did you say so?" "Do I have to give you the same talk I gave Bob?" "What talk?" Plaz was apparently channeling Mihoshi at this point. "..." "Bob? What talk?" "I. DON'T. KNOW." "Oh, uh... okay." The narration paused to collect itself prior to Plaz going back to stargazing. Alucard continued, "Just fly left for a bit and then go straight. Surely, the Laws of Scene Continuity will guide us to our intended destination." "Uh... Yeah, okay!" Bob nodded. "One thing though. This Sausage Bus doesn't have aeleron controls-" "Think not of technicalities such as how a Cursed Half Breed Son of Dracula Whose Human And Vampire Natures Eternally War With Each Other And Who Struggles To Do Good In The Face Of Overwhelming Evil Mobile can actually attain flight, let alone maintain air-speed velocity, just turn the wheel until we get there." Bob shook his head. "You can't honestly thing that that'll work-" "What did I say about not going along with what the cursed half breed son of Dracula whose human and vampire natures eternally war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil?" "Uh, don't?" Alucard, the cursed half breed son of Dracula whose human and vampire natures eternally war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil, nodded approvingly. "You catch on quick, young apprentice." "...And don't call me Shirley!" -_-^_^-_-^_^-_-^_^-_-^_^-_-^_^-_-^_^-_- Improfanfic Presents Without Much Effort: Castlevania 1970: Disco Of Evil Part 16: Ecks Vie Eye Written By A Greasy Pile of: Rags Created by a person listed on the FBI databases as: Dan Mastriani -_-^_^-_-^_^-_-^_^-_-^_^-_-^_^-_-^_^-_- Back at the White House Bar, a phone rang. It rang with all it's phoney might and yet still it went unanswered. It rang again, to no avial. The phone took it's job very seriously. In the early days at the factory, it's mentor, a rotary phone, had once told it that whenever it rang, someone somewhere was depending on it and it alone to get them in touch with the person they wanted to talk to. 'Its a heavy responsibility, young one,' it had said. 'But it is one that only we can accept. So whenever you ring and no one answers, just remember: if you believe in yourself, you can do anything!' 'I think I can,' the phone thought. 'I think I can...' *ring* No answer. 'I think I can.' It strained in concentration. 'I think I can. I think I can...' *RING* No answer. 'I think I can.' It cried phonely tears. 'I think I can. I think I can...' *_RING!_* But still, no answer came. The phone goaded itself on, it's little ringer ringing with an effort that has previously thought impossible in the phonely kingdom. If it'd been designed with hands, it would've answered itself by now. 'I think I can. I think I can. I think I can...' *[RING!]* "*BURHP* Bhellow?" A slurred voice spoke. Success! All of his hard work had paid off! Surely, now it would be awarded some sort of award or adored by many children at the bottom of a large hill! It's ringer rang with joy. "Gimme assec, I can't hear o'er dis bassted phone-" *CLANG* But it was all for naught, the phone had been smashed to bits and the call switched to an out of use dial tone model. "Okhay, go 'fed-" "Yo, Death! Get your bony ass back to the Disco, Foo'!" Death was immediately startled back into sobriety. After regaining his courage and stepping back out of sobriety a bit, he ventured, "... shaft?" "YEAH, BITCH! NOW GET BACK IN HERE AND MAKE IT SNAPPY, FOO'!" "Uh.. why?" "CUZ I FUCKING TOLD YOU TO, YA BONY ASS SHIT!" "..o-Okay. I'll be there in a bit... What's this about?" "JUST GET DOWN HERE, AND BRING THAT PIECE OF SHIT HEC WITH YOU!" "Uh, oka-" "HURRY UP!" "Yeah, yeah! Gotcha, Be right over! yeah!" "*click*" "Click?" "SHUT UP, I JUST GOT A NEW SOUND EFFECTS CD. I'LL HANG UP NOW, FOO'." A very alert and not drunk in the slightest skeleton shrouded in a liquour drenched robe of Funk *handjive* and EVIL! walked back into the bar like a man who'd seen a ghost. Except that he was a ghost of sorts-- but you get the point. Hecubus and Nixon were still busy debating the merits of one handed underwater beebee stacking as a terror tactic in the Middle East and Checkers was dead, but no one seemed to care. "Man Servant Hecubus, I order you to accompany me back to headquarters, at once!" Still in the middle of his conversation, Hecubus referred to the diagrams he'd made on his coctail napkin for emphasis. "Yesh, but you shee, the very facka that thay wuld be made to obsherve it bein' done shingle handedly and witthout asshhishtance of othersh AND with the added hinderanshe of the natural curr'nt of the water, it mosht shertainly would caushe a great deal of mental angui-- Huh?" Nixon turned in his seat, a bit sloshed himself. "What'sh thish about, Death? We're having a very sherioush talk here..." "It's time to go, so we're going. Come along now, Hecubus." Death did his best to appear like he was in a position of importance. "Well, I shuppose if it'sh time to go, then it'sh time to go. It was nishe meeting you, by the way." Hecubus stood from his chair. "But what about Alucard, the curshed half breed shun of Dracula whoshe human and vampire naturesh eternally war with eash other and who shtrugglesh to do good in the fashe of overwhelming evil, and the two other onesh that I can never sheem to call by name?" Nixon waved his arm in such away that one would dismiss something as unimportant, "I can handle anything that comesh up. Don't worry about it!" "Are you shure, Mishter Preshident?" "Quite." "Well, okay then..." "Right, off you go!" "Why are you talking with a British Acshent?" "You can tell from jusht two linesh?" "What the hell are you two talking about???" Death broke in. "Come on, lets go!" "Yeah, yeah. I'm coming, I'm coming." Hecubus took a last swig from his Vodka Spritzer and joined the retreating form of a walking skeleton draped in a dark robe of Funk *handjive* and EVIL! Nixon turned back towards his drink now sitting half-full among a group of empty glasses. Swishing its contents around for a bit prior to draining it all in one large mouthful, he stopped for a moment to consider giving it to Checkers. He was his dog, afterall. He deserved to get a little sloshed, too. "Checkers! Here, boy!" He paused, eyeing the room carefully. A stiff breeze was not blowing, since all the windows were shut. Panting and claws clicking on the wooden floor were not heard. "Checkers?" ... There, next to the juke box. A furry thing on the floor... Not that everything else wasn't furry too, him being drunk and all. But this thing was more furry than the rest of the furry things on the floor. Slowly, he walked towards it. It's not checkers, its just a dog-shaped pile of rags or a blanket. Yeah, thats it. He walked a little closer. It's not Checkers, its some other dog. He knelt down to turn it over for a better look. He's not dead, he's just sleeping. Yeah, yeah... sleeping. He put on a stethoscope and assessed Checkers' vital signs... No... ...No!... ...NO!... "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" -_-^_^-_-^_^-_- As things turned out, Alucard, the cursed half breed son of Dracula whose human and vampire natures eternally war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil, was right. The laws of Scene Continuity did prevail in bringing he and his two charges to their intended destination. The White House lay just a few second's plummeting away on... the ground. "There, Young Belmont. Straight ahead." Alucard pointed in that calm, cool bishounen manner, despite the 200 plus MPH wind blowing into his face and the creepy rippling skin thing it caused. "I see it! I see it!" Bob yelled up to his companion on the roof, "Gimme a sec, this giant wienie is still a little loose!" "So what's waiting for us when we get there?" Plaz asked, finally realizing that there had to be some reason for their arrival other than 'because Alucard, the half breed son of Dracula whose human and vampire natures eternally war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil, said so'. "I told you, ask Al!" "Don't call me 'Al'. Surely, we will find the IRSNinjaDeathSquad and be forced into a battle for the next goal in our ultimate quest to stop my father from conquering the world." Bob maneuvered the wienie of which he was pilot to face the White House, angling down for descent. "That's what he wants to do? I forgot... And don't call me Shirley, dammit!" Alucard, the cursed half breed son of Dracula whose human and vampire natures eternally war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil stamped his foot on the roof of the Cursed Half Breed Son Of Dracula Whose Human And Vampire Natures Eternally War With Each Other And Who Struggles To Do Good In The Face Of Overwhelming Evil Mobile and yelled down to Bob, "My name isn't Dammit!" "Now you're just taking this joke too far!" "MISSLE INCOMING!!" Plaz screeched, pointing straight ahead. "WHAT? Huh? AAAAAAAAAAARGH!" "AAAAAAAAAAARGH?" "Oh sorry, I just got a new sound effects CD. Let me try and dodge the- OH CRAP!!" The fiery wreckage of the twenty-foot wiener come airplane could be seen for blocks around as it fell to earth and hit with a stuttering impact that nearly shook the IRSNDS Leader from his perch on the White House roof. Lowering his Cursed Half Breed Son Of Dracula Whose Human And Vampire Natures Eternally War With Each Other And Who Struggles To Do Good In The Face Of Overwhelming Evil Mobile Seaking Missile Launcher, he chortled to a waiting cohort, "wewin, HAHA!" (A skull with a huge afro sits next to a golden ankh necklace placed on a multicolored disco floor) -= GAME OVER =- ||| ||| Loading... ... ... ... =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-= Castlevania 1970: Disco Of Evil New Game >Load Game< Options =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-= Loading... ... ... ... "There, Young Belmont. Straight ahead." "I see it! I see it!" Bob yelled up to his companion on the roof, "Gimme a sec, this thing is hard to steer!" Bob shifted the level between his legs in an effort to put things back in the right place. "So why are we going there, again?" Plaz asked, finally realizing that there had to be some reason for their arrival other than 'because Alucard, the half breed son of Dracula whose human and vampire natures eternally war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil, said so'. "Like I'm supposed to know! Ask Al!" "Don't call me 'Al'. Surely, we will find the IRSNinjaDeathSquad as they try to deter us from foiling my father's plan to conquer the world." Bob maneuvered the vaguely penis-shaped vehicle to face the White House, angling down for descent. "That's what he wants to do? I forgot... And don't call me Shirley, dammit!" "Bob, head straight into that missile. I shall use my legendary blade to-" "What Missile?!" "MISSILE INCOMING!!" Plaz screeched, pointing straight ahead. "That one," Alucard, the cursed half breed son of Dracula whose human and vampire natures eternally war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil, continued seemingly undaunted by his being interrupted. "Uh, I don't think this one is a powerup, Dude!!" Bob yelled, panic in his voice. "WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT NOT GOING ALONG WITH THE CURSED HALF BREED SON OF DRACULA WHOSE HUMAN AND VAMPIRE NATURES ETERNALLY WAR WITH EACH OTHER AND WHO STRUGGLES TO DO GOOD IN THE FACE OF OVERWHELMING EVIL?" He stated with an air of inner-peace granted to him naturally by his bishounenness. "WHAT ARE YOU SAYING!? IT'S A MISSILE!! DODGE IT! DODGE IT!" Plaz screamed, reaching for the wheel. "YES, SIR!" Bob shouted and shoved Plaz aside. With the box to the pedal to the metal and a blind sense of faith to his teacher, he brought the Cursed Half Breed Son Of Dracula Whose Human And Vampire Natures Eternally War With Each Other And Who Struggles To Do Good In The Face Of Overwhelming Evil Mobile on a collision course with the second phallic symbol in this paragraph. "Yah." Mere miliseconds before the heroes would meat hot fiery Death, not the sweet lovable drunken Death we know and cherish, Alucard, the cursed half breed son of Dracula whos human and vampire natures eternally war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil, drew his sword and charged to the wienie's tip, managing to cleave the rocket driven explosive in twine before it had the chance to detonate. "..." Bob and Plaz both didn't say, as they were totally frozen in awe of it all. "Now, we must land our Cursed Half Breed Son Of Dracula Whose Human And Vampire Natures Eternally War With Each Other And Who Struggles To Do Good In The Face Of Overwhelming Evil Mobile on the White House lawn in order to face and defeat the Cursed Half Breed Son Of Dracula Whose Human And Vampire Natures Eternally War With Each Other And Who Struggles To Do Good In The Face Of Overwhelming Evil Mobile Seaking Missile Launcher toting IRS Ninjas." "Wow, Alucard! That was amazing! I can hardly believe that you jus-" "Yes. Yes, Young Belmont. You too will be capable of such manly feats as I, given time, training and a balanced diet of all the four major food groups. Long ago, while fighting alongside your great great grandfather, I explained to him the values of a shake for breakfast, a shake for lunch and then a sensible dinner in hopes that it would improve your family's discipline and lead to a stronger line of Belmonts. I fear however, that that knowledge was lost upon his death. So now, Bob, I will explain to you as we land the merits of-" "OH SHIT! ANOTHER ONE!!" Plaz screached again, just like the last time but with different words. "-macrobionics and huh?" *boom* "*boom*?" Plaz said. "Sorry, I've got a new sound effects CD. Just let me-" But Bob would never finish his sentence, given the difficulty of speaking whilst occupied taking part in a huge mid-air explosion. Lowering his Double Barrel Cursed Half Breed Son Of Dracula Whose Human And Vampire Natures Eternally War With Eachother And Who Struggles To Do Good In The Face Of Overwhelming Evil Mobile Seaking Missile Launcher down, the IRS NDS Leader adjusted his tieclip and chortled to a nearby cohort, "wewin, HAHA!" (A skull with a huge afro sits next to a golden ankh necklace placed on a multicolored disco floor) -= GAME OVER =- ||| ||| Loading... ... ... ... =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-= Castlevania 1970: Disco Of Evil New Game >Load Game< Options =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-= Loading... ... Load Halted, Command? LLRRLLRR XXXXX Loading... ... ... ... "Right down there, Bob." "Alright, I see it!" Bob yelled up to his companion on the roof, "Gimme a sec, this piece of crap plane sucks!" "I hope they have a bathroom, think we can stop for a break?" Plaz asked, still not realizing that there had to be some reason for their arrival other than 'because Alucard, the half breed son of Dracula whose human and vampire natures eternally war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil, said so'. "Do I look like your employer? Ask Al!" "Don't call me 'Al'. Surely, we will find the IRSNinjaDeathSquad as they fire missiles at us in order to foil our foiling of my father's plan to conquer the world." Bob maneuvered the Wiener Plane to face the White House, angling down for descent. "That's what he wants to do? I forgot... And don't call me Shirley, dammit!!" "Bob, head straight into the missile!" "MISSILE INCOMING!!" Plaz screeched, pointing straight ahead. "WHAT THE HELL!?" Bob exclaimed. "Yes, that one," Alucard, the cursed half breed son of Dracula whose human and vampire natures eternally war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil, clarified. "It's not a powerup this time, Dude!!" Bob yelled, panic in his voice. "WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT NOT GOING ALONG WITH THE CURSED HALF BREED SON OF DRACULA WHOSE HUMAN AND VAMPIRE NATURES ETERNALLY WAR WITH EACH OTHER AND WHO STRUGGLES TO DO GOOD IN THE FACE OF OVERWHELMING EVIL?!" "IT'S A FUCKING MISSILE!!" Plaz screamed, scared shitless. "GUAAAAHHH!!" Bob shouted. With the box to the pedal to the metal, he brings the Cursed Half Breed Son Of Dracula Whose Human And Vampire Natures Eternally War With Each Other And Who Struggles To Do Good In The Face Of Overwhelming Evil Mobile on a collision course with the incoming projectile. "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Alucard, the cursed half breed son of Dracula whos human and vampire natures eternally war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil, drew his sword and charged to the wiener's tip, managing to cleave the rocket driven explosive in twine before it had the chance to detonate. "..." Bob didn't say, totally frozen in awe of it all. Plaz was holding her head between her legs, trying to curl up into a tight, indestructable ball if at all possible. "No need to congratulate me, young Belmont." Alucard, the cursed half breed son of Dracula whose human and vampire natures eternally war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil, stated, seemingly precognitive of his companion's actions. "Huh?" Bob blinked, "I wasn't going to con-OH SHIT, ANOTHER ONE!" Then, Alucard, the cursed half breed son of Dracula whose human and vampire natures eternally war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil, pulled out his Condensed Gravity Cannon and blew the second incoming missile the fuck out of the sky. Bob blinked again. Plaz didn't move at all, but might've blinked too, it's hard to tell these things when the person you're descibing has condensed herself into the amount of space available in some glove boxes. "WHO WANTS SOME?!" Alucard stated in a way that would even make the great Bruce Campbell proud, as he took an impressive stance atop the giant sausage. Down below, on the roof of the White House, the IRSNinjaDeathSquad blinked as well. "sirperhapsnowisagoodtimetoretreat, HAHA?!" The leader turned to his companion after dropping his Double Barrel Cursed Half Breed Son Of Dracula Whose Human And Vampire Natures Eternally War With Eachother And Who Struggles To Do Good In The Face Of Overwhelming Evil Mobile Seaking Missile Launcher and said, "..., HAHA!" "whatdoyoumean, HAHA?!" And then they, and a good portion of the building's roof structure, were eradicated in a burst of harsh blue light from above. Back on top of the flying wienie, Alucard, the cursed half breed son of Dracula whose human and vampire natures eternally war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil, blew across the tips of the barrels of his CGC and replaced it back to wherever he got it from. Plaz poked her head out over the dash. "We're not dead?" Bob nearly stood up in his seat. "What the hell?! Where'd you get that gun??" Alucard stared off into space and whistled a short tune. "Gun? What gun? I don't have any gun. Plaz, get off me." Bob retorted, "But you just-" "Do I have to tell you again about not going along with whatever the cursed half breed son of Dracula whose human and vampire natures eternally war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil says?" "... no, sir." "That's right. And Plaz, please get off me." "But you're so cool!!" Plaz said all starry eyed from her position latched onto his torso. A few minutes later, they were safely on the ground. ^_^-_-^_^-_-^_^ Disco Infernal: where the party never stops. Death and his companion Hecubus, everyones favorite minion of Funk *handjive* and EVIL, stand waiting aside the main dance hall, bathed in technicolor lights and the funky tunes of the Bee-EVIL-gees' greatest hits album. "Say boss, why did we have to come back so suddenly, anyway?" Hecubus asked, sober because writing in drunk-talk is annoying. Leaning against the wall and holding a cup of punch, Death turned his cloaked head towards Hecubus. "Well obviously we've been reassigned to a higher position that requires more responsibility yet also offers a higher chance at getting laid. What else could it be?" "... How long did you say you've been working here?" "Couple hundred years. You know, it was a lot different those days. Back then, we used bacon grease when we couldn't get our d--" "YOU!" Shaft marched up to the duo, a fine foxy lady in each arm, unconscious. "Master!" Hecubus greeted, nearly bowing out of respect before he realized that when people kneeled down infront of D.P. Shaft, they usually had... let's just say, something else to do. "Hello, Shaft. Might I ask why you've called us back here in such a manne-" "SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU'RE BOTH FUCKING LAID OFF AS OF THIS MINUTE!" Death and Hecubus blinked and stated in unison, "... what?" "EVERYTHING YOU DO FUCKS UP! YOU'RE NOT EVIL! AS OF RIGHT NOW BOTH OF YOUR EVIL! LICENSES HAVE BEEN REVOKED!" "You're taking away our licenses?! What for? We've done everything you've told us to!" Death yelled, completely taken back by the possibility of losing his Evil! License. Hecubus just stared, too horrified to reply. His Evil! License was the only thing he had that held any value to him. To lose it now would be like amputating his arm, infecting it with syphillis, having it reattached and then subscribing to a lifetime of AOL. "SHUT UP, BITCH!" Shaft roared back, nearly dropping his drinks. "Listen. Drac likes you foo's. So, in order to get them back all you have to do is attend one session of Evil! 103. Class is in five minutes, so get goin'!" Five minutes later both Hecubus and Death were sitting side by side, each with pencil and paper in hand, in standard utilitarian school desks. The room around them contained only the remnants of a long since broken chalk board, a heavy wooden teacher's desk, a podium, and a few empty seats. Why such a room existed in the castle is obvious: Evil, like genius, is one percent imagination and ninety-eight percent perspiration, with the extra percent oweing largely to defecit spending. Dark Priest Shaft stood infront of the class holding a yard stick and prepared to point to several graphs and charts that he'd carefully prepared for the day's lesson. "Welcome to Evil! 103," he began reading word for word from the teacher's handbook that came with the meterstick and graphs which he'd painstakingly removed from their packaging and placed upon the chalk board's rim. "This course's goals include teaching the students the art of being Evil as well as the instruction of proper proceedures for creating explosives with common house hold items and home economics. In today's lesson, we will go over Torture and Dismemberment as well as Telemarketing and the packaging of Kool-Aid. First, we will begin b-" "Shaft, sit the FUCK down!" A booming voice came from the room's only doorway. Dracula, the father of the cursed half breed son of Dracula whose human and vampire natures eternally war with eachother and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil, stepped into the room in all his evil glory. The gold chains hanging down over his open breasted polyester shirt glinted even in the minimal lighting of the nearly desolet classroom. "You're license is revoked too, dipshit! Now shut up and get ready to take some notes!" "I don't think he's in a good mood today," Hecubus whispered to Death from the moderate safety of the second row. Death, in awe of the evilness that was Dracula, the father of the cursed half breed son of Dracula whose human and vampire natures eternally war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil, nodded absentmindedly. As Shaft sat the fuck down in the first row, shut up and got ready to take notes, Dracula rubbed his hands in preparation to address the class. "Okay, listen up. Since Shaft is trying to get his license back too, I hired a substitute teacher for today. I'd like everyone to give a nice welcome to him." Motioning towards the doorway, Dracula called, "Alright, come on out!" Everyone in the class shifted their gaze from where Dracula stood infront of the class to the doorway where Dracula was just coming in, back to the front of the class where he no longer was and back to the doorway again. "Alright, hello everyone. I'll be your substitute today so..." He paused to study the ridiculously short roll sheet prior to throwing it away. "Let's just get started." Death raised his hand prior to getting permission to speak. "Uh, why didn't you just start before instead of giving yourself the introduction like that?" "AHA!" Dracula aha'd. "You thought you'd get out of having me teach the class today, didn't you! Evil Lesson #1, Deception Is Evil!" Death grinned, if at all possible. "Oh! Okay, then! So, let me guess. Our licenses aren't really revoked; you're just showing us how evil you are! Am I right?" "Absolutely!" "Wow, Sir! You're great!" He attempted to stand. "SIT THE FUCK DOWN!" The Master bellowed. "Eep!" "Hey, what's that?!" Dracula pointed out the window. Everyone looked from where Dracula was pointing out the window to outside, where he was standing out on the grass waving at them, back to the front of the class where he no longer was, back outside where he wasn't there either and finally again to the front of the class where he was now leaning back against the desk. Dracula beamed as he prepared the lesson plan. "Lesson #84 Misdirection." Hecubus only stared at the greatness that was The Master. "... whoa." "Yo' Damn Right!" He beamed again. -_-^_^-_-^_^-_- he battle to reach Nixon had been a hard one... for the dozens of secret service agents now sprawled about the premises in various states of dead. Alucard, the cursed half breed son of Dracula whose human and vampire natures eternally war with each other and who struggles do good in the face of overwhelming evil, and Bob, the child of little exposition, now found themselves standing before a well crafted oak door. Neither of them felt an immediate need to open it. "Could you hurry it up in there?" Bob lightly rapped on the door's face. "Hold on! I'm going as fast as I can! Aaaahhh... Oooohh. Ahhhh..." Alucard, the cursed half breed son of Dracula whose human and vampire natures eternally war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil, leaned with his back against the neighboring wall. "I told her to go before we left..." "No you didn't," Bob said. "I didn't?" "No." "Oh." "oooooooooooh, ahhhhh.. Yes! YEEESS! OOOOOH!" "...?" Alucard, the cursed half breed son of Dracula whose human and vampire natures eternally war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil, looked questioningly to his young charge. "Oh, sorry. I just got a new sound effects CD. I'll turn it off now." Just then, Plaz stepped out of the Washington Bathroom smelling Springtime Fresh and of artifically unscented air freshener. "Sorry about that, guys. Okay, lets go find whoever we're here to overcome!" "Took you long enough..." Bob turned to walk down the hall towards their supposed destination, the opposite way being cluttered with corpses. The remaining two-thirds of the group soon followed. Within moments they found themselves infront of another finely crafted wooden door, although this one was open and afforded the view of a well-stocked wetbar. "So, you've arrived." "Who's there? Show yourself!" Alucard, the cursed half breed son of Dracula whose human and vampire natures eternally war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil, beckoned. "I'm... right here." Nixon said, standing directly infront of the group a good twenty feet off in the middle of the room, holding the corpse of a dead puppy. "Oh, I knew that." The cursed half breed son of Dracula whose human and vampire natures eternally war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil, rebutted, not that anyone actually believed him. "President Nixon," Alucard, the cursed half breed son of Dracula whose human and vampire natures eternally war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil, began as he drew his sword. "I take it that you are working for the forces of Funk *handjive* and Evil! Prepare to be smited." Bob unlatched his whip from whatever undisclosed place he kept it. "Why are you holding a dead puppy? Are you some kind of sicko?!" Plaz stopped chanting under her breath long enough to utter, "He's probably going to meld with it in T1000esque fashion like in Hot Shots: Part Deux..." Nixon drew the dead puppy closer to him and said in an almost fiendish voice, "You are quite astute. Checkers will live on within me FOREVER! MUAHAHAHAAHAAAAAAA!!" "That's... incredibly lame," Bob said, standing with a displeased look on his face. "If you're going to have some kind of gimmick before we kill you, you should at least make it something better than turning into a half human, half dog thing. I mean, it wouldn't exactly hurt your looks much, you know?" He looked around him for confirmation only to be greeted by blank stares and ellipses. "..." "..." "..." "... What? I'm right, aren't I? C'mon!" "Young Belmont," Alucard, the cursed half breed son of Dracula whose human and vampire natures eternally war with eachother and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil, approached Bob to place a hand upon his shoulder. "It is not your place to tell the midboss how to carry out his final moments. Let him have his dignity. We'll have to have a talk about this later." "Really, Bob. I thought you were better than that." Plaz shook her head sadly. "No, no. He's right." Nixon put Checkers' corpse down on a nearby table, all signs of fiendishness greatly diminished in his nature. "It was kind of lame, I have to admit. It's just that, well, I love Checkers, and I hate to see him go. I'm really just a nice guy at heart, you know-" "OH, COME ON!" Bob shouted. "That's even worse than your first gimmick!" Bob shrugged off the cursed half breed son of Dracula whose human and vampire natures eternally war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil's hand and took a step towards the President. Nixon adjusted his blazer, straightened out his posture and stated with all the dignity he could put into the words, "Alucard, I am your father." Everyone blinked. Alucard, the cursed son of Dracula whose human and vampire natures eternally war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil, glared at him for a moment before replying, "Nixon, have you been paying attention to this story at all?" "..." "Have you?" He pressed, looking at him sternly. "What does it matter, anyway?" Nixon retorted. "Well, if you had then you'd know that I am Alucard, the cursed half breed son of Dracula whose human and vampire natures eternally war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil." "Fine!" Nixon took a step forward, bringing his hands infront of his chest. "Alucard, I am your mother!" "Now you're just being stupid." The cursed half breed son of Dracula whose human and vampire natures eternally war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil shook his head. "No wait!" Nixon stopped, turning to Bob. "I remember now, I'm _Bob's_ father!" Bob became teary-eyed almost immediately, "Daddy?!" Nixon nodded, manly tears running down his face. "Son!" Bob ran forward for an emotional embrace, but stopped short, wide-eyed to say, "But my dad died..." "Being a minion of the Funk *handive* and EVIL, I _am_ technically dead." Bob resumed running towards Nixon's waiting, out-stretched arms. "DAD!" And the Ode to Joy did play as they embraced lovingly in the middle of the room. "SON!" Nixon cried. It was a kodak moment. A few moments later, Alucard, the cursed half breed son of Dracula whose human and vampire natures eternally war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil, tapped Bob on the shoulder, still hugging the President tightly. "Ahem, Bob, you're father almost certainly was NOT the President of the United States." Plaz got herself a drink. A big one. Bob let go of Nixon and blinked. "Oh yeah, he was taxidermist..." The two began glaring at Nixon. Standing up and wiping at Bob's snot and boogers and tears and other facial excretes, he recovered, "Oh! Well, in that case: Plaz, I am yoURK--" Plaz spun on her bar stool to face the group, tears streaming from her eyes. "No! Not my URK! Anything but my URK!" "Uh, Plaz?" Bob said as Alucard, the cursed half breed son of Dracula whos human and vampire natures eternally war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil, removed his sword from the President's esophagus. "Oh, yeah... Sorry." ^_^-_-^_^-_-^_^ Four hours later, the class had finished covering Lesson #34: The Element of Surprise, Lesson #17: Taking Your Opponent Off-Guard, Lesson #51: Mind Games #98 Gotcha! and Lesson #06: Made You Look! Dracula leaned against the corner of the teacher's desk, arms crossed. "Now, the next thing you should commit to memory is that any flaws in your plans that can be spotted by a four-year-old child should be corrected _before_ implementation, not after." Shaft raised his hand to speak, having long since given up on trying to sound like a bad-ass while in a classroom environment. "That sounds _really_ basic, boss." "Oh yeah?" Dracula raised an effeminite eyebrow. "Well, I've brought in a four-year-old to tell you why all your attempts at my cursed half breed son of Dracula whose human and vampire natures eternally war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil failed. Send him in!" He walked to the doorway and escorted a small cloaked figure holding a lollipop and wearing a pair of red Nikes to the front of the class. "Aha! Tricked you again!" The figured removed it's hood to reveal the face of... Dracula. The class looked to where Dracula had been standing a moment before and back to where he'd apparently turned into a four year-old. "What the fuck?!" Death yelled. "He disappeared and chibified himself?!" Dracula hit him over the head with the lolli and stood up from his kneeling position, reasserting that he was, in fact, quite tall and not chibified in any sort of way. "Lesson #39: Confusion is Your Friend." "Oh." Death sighed. "Y'know..." Shaft thought outloud. "That last lesson reminded me a lot of a web page I saw once..." "Shut up! All of my teachings are original!" Dracula fumed and brought forth a conical hat from the desk's drawer. "Now put this on and go sit in the corner!" Under the stern glare of his employer, Shaft placed the cap upon his 'fro and took his chair to the corner. Under his breath he let out a low, "You're not even really teaching us anything, anyway..." Dracula walked to the back of the room to stand behind Shaft as he stared at the mildew that was collecting there. "What was that?!" "Nothing, Drac." Shaft stated before turning back around and adding under his breath, "...friggin' nasty hoe snackin', fang-toothed, anorexic, bitch lookin', corn bread eatin', butt suckin', one eyed, one horned, flying purple--" "WHAT?!" The Master yelled, an eerie read glow began to manifest itself about his person. "Nothing, MASTER!" "Yo' Damn Right! Now," He paused to return to the desk. Reading from the next card in the stack marked 'Evil! 103 Lesson Plans', he began again, "If you learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy you, you must slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature..." And then he burst into flames and collapsed in a crumpled heap of burning flesh and melted polyester in the front of the class. The class blinked. "SHIT!" Everyone seemed to say at once. Hecubus searched franticly for something to extinguish the flames with. "Put it out! Put it out!" "Ahh! Uh... Err..." Shaft searched the room for a supply of water or a blanket or at least a large sheet. Death held his heavily cloaked arms up in the air, panicking. "What are we gonna doURK!?" "SHUT UP AND TAKE IT, FOO'!" Shaft yelled as he threw Death down in an effort to smother the flames. Death flailed in agony, "AHH! OHH! I'M BURNING! ARGH! ARGH!!" "..." "..." "ARGH! OOH! OO- ... What?" "You're not on fire." Hecubus deadpanned. "Huh?" Death stood up, examining his person. Sure enough, there was not a mark upon him. The phone on the teacher's desk began to ring. Shaft held up the reciever to his ear. "Yo?" "Hey, Shaft! How's it hangin'?" Shaft's eyes widened in recognition, "Drac?!" "Yeah. Hey listen, open up the trunk. Okay? Bye." "Trunk? What trunk?" Shaft said, looking about the room. Hec stood up from where he was sitting on a trunk. "This trunk?" "What the hell?!" Death and Shaft said almost simultaneously. Shaft hung up the phone and went to check out the trunk along with Death and an equally confused Hecubus. "Where the hell did that come from?" "I dunno, I was just sitting down and then I stood up and there it was. Honest!" "Hey, there's a note on it." Death said, ripping a sheet of paper off of the trunk's lid. 'THE KEY IS IN THE DESK IN MY OFFICE. - LORD DRACULA,' the note read. "So I guess we gotta get this thing to his office?" Hec said. Shaft shrugged. "Whatever. He said to do it, we do it." Together the three of them lifted the trunk and carried it towards the doorway. They were just about to get it through when a voice from the back of the class caught their attention. "Hey, where're ya goin'?" Drac said, sitting at a desk at the back of the room. "DRAC!?" All three of the others exclaimed at once, dropping the trunk with a loud thud. They all looked down at the trunk in reaction, still fairly shaken. The lid lifted and Dracula climbed out, letting it fall shut behind him as he stood among his minions. "Wow man, we thought you were dead!" Hec said, clearly relieved that everything was okay. Death nodded his eager agreement. Shaft only half shrugged, still slightly miffed from before. "Wait a minute," Shaft said. "Wasn't the trunk locked? How'd you open it?" Drac smiled. "Did any of you check the lock?" "Well no, but-" Drac shook his head. "Then you better do that." Hecubus reached down to open the trunk, the lid didn't budge at all. "It's locked!" he said. Shaft and Death both looked down at the box and chided themselves for taking their eyes off of The Master. Surely, now he'd be gone again and- "Hey, you're still here!" Death pointed. "Yeah," Dracula began. "Well, the real key is in the teacher's desk over there." He pointed. "I'll get it!" Hecubus smiled, eager to please. He walked behind the desk and opened a drawer as the others watched. Inside, Dracula was laying down on his back as he held up and handed the key to him. "Thanks!" Hecubus said as he closed the drawer and went back to where Shaft and Death were standing with the trunk. Shaft grabbed the key away from Hecubus, who was slightly disheartened by the suddeness of it all. "Gimme that!" He inserted the key into the trunk's lock and it opened... ...to reveal another trunk. "What the hell is this?!" Shaft hissed, lifting the smaller trunk out of the first. "Try opening it," said Death. Shaft tried to open it. It was locked, too. "Shit!" "Try the key!" Death encouraged. The key didn't work. "..." "..." "..." Dracula peaked over their shoulders at the smaller trunk, "Say, what's in that trunk?" All three minions stared at him, refusing to even take their eyes off him for even a second. "..." "..." "..." Dracula smiled broadly, "Lesson #62: What The Fuck Just Happened?" "Uh, boss?" Hecubus said. Dracula leaned forward. "Do you have something else you want to share with the class, Hecubus?" Shaft shook his head slightly, waving his hands to Hecubus at waist level. Death did the same. "Uh, no?" Hecubus sweatdropped for the second time this scene. "Yo' Damn Right!" -_-^_^-_-^_^-_- Once again, the air whipped through Alucard's marvelous locks as he rode atop his Cursed Half Breed Son Of Dracula Whose Human And Vampire Natures Eternally War With Each Other And Who Struggles To Do Good In The Face Of Overwhelming Evil Mobile on his seemingly endless journey to put an afront to his father's shenanigans. He held the key firmly in his inventory menu. It burned with a righteous light, leading him to his next immediate goal... except it wasn't hot or anything. Bob piloted the phallic symbol with great fevor and ignorance as to it's power for innuendo. Plaz looked at the pretty lights outside and sighed at various points in time. Birds were sucked into the turbines. The clock struck twelve. Twelve hit back. Then Bob did something requiring punctuation. "Say, just how far past Empty are we supposed to be able to fly this thing, anyway?" "..." someone said. Who is was not entirely important seeing as at that precise moment the engines began to sputter and quake. Within seconds the group had gone from admirable and determined to screaming and facepalming. A few minutes later the group was standing in the middle of a park watching the flaming wreckage of what was their transportation. "Isn't it ironic?" Plaz said, entirely unharmed and seemingly mezmerized by the flames as they licked up the sides of the giant wiener. "Don'cha think?" Bob replied, also completly unscathed and going along with the song lyric. "What the hell are you guys talking about?" Alucard asked, peering towards them in a sidelong glance. "That we're roasting hotdogs, but we can't get to them because they're inside a giant burning hotdog." "Uh, I guess..." Alucard stood at their side, ready to give direction for the next part. "Yes, it is a shame that after overcoming so many obstacles that we be parted from our Cursed Half Breed Son Of Dracula Whose Human And Vampire Natures Eternally War With Each Other And Who Struggles To Do Good In The Face Of Overwhelming Evil Mobile in such a way. But it is imperative that we move on and continue to struggle to do good in the face of overwhelming evil. Our next goal lies nearby inside _that_," he emphasized the word 'that' to show that he had a particular 'that' in mind for the proceding word in the sentence and also to look impressive, "building in the form what is most likely a series of minor hinderances and and eventual midboss or possibly even a pair of similar midbosses, each possessing of different strenths and weaknesses, so that in tandem they can be considered more of a serious threat to a group of do-gooding warriors such as ourselves. Plaz, please remove yourself from my person." Bob sighed, "I don't think she can hear you, dude." A few moments past in the romantic lighting set off by the flaming wreckage of the mangled sausage before Alucard's constant string of ellipses registered in Plaz's mind, "Uh, sorry. Habits, you know. Heh heh heh..." She sweatdropped, backing away and straightening her clothes uncomfortably. Alucard began again typically undaunted, "ahem, yes. Well..." Okay, maybe just a little daunted. Maybe. "Yes? Well?" Assuming a pose of declaration, the cursed half breed son of Dracula whose human and vampire natures eternally war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil pointed towards the diection of their destination and said, "And now to deal with Travolta and L. Ron Hubbard!" "Hey! I thought we threw those guys away when we didn't use the key that we picked up in the Church of Scientology to get to them through that locked door in LA." Plaz said, back on track. Bob nodded. "Yeah, why don't we just go for some cokes or something and call it a day?" Alucard glared at him. It was one of those glares that said, 'Do I have to remind you again about going against what the cursed half breed son of Dracula whose human and vampire natures eternally war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil?' "ONWARD, TO DEFEAT THE DARK MINIONS OF FUNK *handjive* AND EVIL!" Bellowed Bob with much determination shown upon his brow. Alucard nodded, "you're a quick study, young Belmont." "Sometimes..." Plaz began, turning to follow the now heading off pair of Alucard, the cursed half breed son of Dracula whose human and vampire natures eternally war with each other and who struggles to good in the face of overwhelming evil, and Bob. "I think *I'm* the normal one..." -_-^_^-_-^_^-_- Author's Notes: Oh yeah! 50 times! Who's the man? Who's the man? Buahaha! Does anyone wanna beat that? Or will I have successfully hammered a gag into the ground? I don't know whether to laugh or cry at what I've done to a funny gag like that. Uh, sorry? Heh ^^;; As for the rest of this... Man, what the hell was I thinking?? When I started considering things that I wanted to do for this part all I could come up with was killing off a bunch of things and finally setting up that stupid friggin key to the door in LA that the characters got way back before chapter ten and then it... turned into this. Sheesh! Thanks again to Rutt for prereading my second impro part ever (this one ^^;) when no one else would. Rutt's always there when I need an idea for a name or some extra lines for a scene. So uh, thanks, dude. And thanks to Roe for being cool about the whole thing. ^^ Well, thanks for reading. Comments would be a good thing. Send 'em in ^_^ selrpeterson@earthlink.com ^_^-_-^_^-_-^_^ Gentle ocean waves massage the crystal sands of the iridescent shores near where an open bottle of Corona sits on a small wooden folding table. Next to it, a beach chair lays in the cover of a large umbrella anchored at it's side. The lenses of a pair of Oakley sunglasses are visible resting atop a head of slick black hair, a pony-tail of which hangs down over the the chair's back. A soft melody humms from the foreground. o/~ There is only _One_ _Sancho_, and _I_ am _He_ o/~ o/~ Magnificent _Sancho_ o/~ o/~ Are you _Sancho_? No, for only _I_ am _Sancho_! o/~ o/~ Fabulous _Sancho_ o/~ o/~ Sexy _Sancho_ o/~ He takes a moment to sip from his drink. o/~ Women dig a man with a great package o/~ o/~ I am- The music pauses dramatically. - _Sancho_! o/~ This week's _Sancho_... on vacation.