A large portal opened in the middle of the freeway and three figures
tumbled out of it. 

"I wonder what time we're in now..." Plaz said morbidly. 

Bob looked at his watch. "Oh horror of horrors! We're in the year 1258!"

"And how, may I ask, do you know that?" Alucard asked as he dodged out
of the way of a passing car. 

"Look at my watch!" Bob exclaimed, thrusting hiw wrist at Alucard. 

"You idiot. Your watch just says it's two minutes till one." 

"Then why are the numbers blinking?!" 

"Because you're too stupid to figure out how the set it, so it's telling
you the default time." 

"Oh." 

+_)(*&^%$#@!~ 

Should Improfanfic Present: 

Evil Of Disco: 0791 Vaniacastle 

Chapter 19: Magically Spifflicious 

Mastriani Dan Gaijin: This for shoot be should who man the 

ELRutt: Tight too on is underwear who's man a 

~!@#$%^&*()_+ 

The house was strangely silent. The hall was completely black except for
the light streaming in from the only window at the end. An owl hooted in
the distance. Alucard wandered from room to room, searching for
something, a look of great (and very uncharacteristic) distress on his
face. 

"Oh no, not again," he whimpered slightly, as only a cursed half-breed
son of Dracula whose human and vampiric natures eternally war with each
other and who struggle to do good in the face of overwhelming evil can. 

All of the rooms looked exactly the same. A large bed sitting in the
middle, a lamp on every table, four tables in all, thus implying that
there was a total of four lamps in the room, but there wasn't. One lamp
sat on the floor, making the total five and logic be damned. All of the
rooms were completely devoid of life. Oh, and there was a television on
the dresser too, but that's not important right now. 

The point, if there ever was one, is that Alucard was obviously
frantically searching for something. He finally found what he was
looking for in the last place he looked. Which is kinda obvious 'cause
why would he keep on searching after that point? 

This last room in which he looked was different than all the other rooms
he had previously looked in for obvious dramatic reasons. It was set up
like an office, mainly because it was an office, and being an office it
contained the obligatory moosehead over the fireplace. The walls were
covered in photographs and diplomas and other equally frameable sheets
of paper. Along the wall by the door, sat a leather couch doing what
most leather couches do: not moving like a good inanimate object. In the
center of the office sat the most important object in office dynamics: a
large oak desk of approximate length and width. 

Behind the desk sat Bob, panting heavily. The expression on his face was
the kind usually only made when one eats a sour lemon candy, except he
was grinning massively at the same time. This, accompanied by the wet
slurping noises, disturbed Alucard to no end. 

"Young Belmont, there is a matter that we..." Alucard stopped as Plaz's
head popped up from below the desk. This might not have been as freaky
if he hadn't currently been in his male form. "I..." Alucard was
completely speechless. 

Ignoring him once again, Plaz's head went back below the desk. It was
like neither of them even knew who Alucard was. He tried to walk around
to the other side of the desk, but time seemed to slow. His feet felt as
if they were one hundred times heavier as they dragged across the carpet
like any movie directed by Kevin Costner. 

After too many tense seconds, each one seeming to last a lifetime (and
for a cursed half-breed son of Dracula whose human and vampiric natures
eternally war with each other and who struggles to good in the face of
overwhelming evil, that was quite a long time), Alucard rounded the desk
and saw the lude activity Bob and Plaz were currently engaged in. 

Bob was leaning back in the chair, grinning like a mad man, while Plaz
was in his lap giving him a bl- 

*	*	* 

Alucard sat bolt upright in his bed, sweat beaded heavily on his
forehead. He made the decision then and there to quit snacking before
bedtime. It was giving him too many nightmares. Dreams like that should
not be had by any mortal man, let alone the cursed half-breed son of
Dracula whose human and vampiric natures eternally war with each other
and who struggles to good in the face of overwhelming evil. 

He went up to get himself a glass of water, but then remembered that he
was a vampire, so he should be drinking blood. Wait a minute, he was
only _half_ vampire. Did that still require him to drink blood? But also
being human meant that he needed to consume food as well. As he went
over this in his head, he began to develop a massive headache. The sheer
weight of it all these twisting thoughts pressed against the insides of
his skull like a frantic child struggling to be freed from a burlap
sack. When did his life become so complicated? 

Back in the eight bit days, he never needed to worry about what or who
he had to eat. He simply existed to side scroll and slash things
horizontally with his sword. Now that he had been given new life and new
things to exposite about, everything required actual planning and
forethought. 

He put on his bunny slippers, and hobbled lazily into the bathroom.
Asprin was going to be his only savior tonight. 

After popping a handful of little yellow pills and taking a swig of
water, which he tried not to think about too hard, he glanced down at
the toilet. Suddenly, a brand new lines of inquires into the nature of
his proper biological functions flooded his mind. "I think I'll just go
lay down now," he said aloud. And so he did. 

But sleep did not return to this cursed half-breed son of Dracula whose
human and vampiric natures eternally war with each other and who
struggles to good in the face of overwhelming evil, oh no. His brain
kept replaying over and over, the images his disgusting dream. Tomorrow
was going to end up being a very long day. 

In the morning any possibility of things turning out all right quickly
crashed to the ground faster than Mark Hamill's carreer after Return of
the Jedi. 

*	*	* 

"You mean you failed AGAIN?!" Shaft shouted at Hecubus, throwing an
empty bottle of Whiskey at the lesser minion's head. 

"It's not my fault... mostly," Hecubus tried to explain. "Death was
supposed to help, but instead he quit to fight his own battles and
possibly join the forces of good to fight against us at a later date." 

The Thunder of Foreshadowing rumbled in the distance. 

"Oh, so now it's DEATH's fault, is it? You young people with your fast
cars and your Bob Erving music, you just don't understand what it means
to be a priest of Funk *handjive* ...and EVIL!" The anger flowed from
Shaft and by the way he forced out that last handjive, Hecubus knew he
was in some deep doo-doo. "I asked you for one simple thing! I asked you
to clean out the raingutters of the Disco Infernal and what do you do?
You go off covorting with Richard Nixon, you almost get yourself killed,
you ruined your perm and you scuffed up those brand new blue suade shoes
I gave you for your birthday! How is that supposed to make me feel?"
Shaft lowered his face to his hands and began to cry. 

Hecubus warrily approached his master's throne and put a reassuring arm
around Shaft. "I'm sorry. I know I screwed up, and I'm sorry I made you
look bad in front of the boss. I know I promised you I would behave when
I came to work with you. I didn't mean to be a failure, but I only did
it for you. I did it all for you." 

"I'm sorry, I just don't believe you anymore, you've said that to me so
many times, I'm not sure what's real..." Shaft weeped openly as he
pushed Hecubus away. 

"Hey, babe, look, I over-stepped my bounds, but I can change, trust me."

Finding inner strength, Shaft said, "No. I don't want to be hurt
anymore. Just get out. Leave me alone." He turned away from Hecubus. 

Hecubus sighed, and made his way towards the door. He stopped at the
doorframe and turned. "Fine. I'll leave. I can see where I'm not wanted.
But don't you fool yourself, babe. There are plenty of organizations of
Funk *handjive* ...and EVIL! out there who'd be _dying_ to have me as
their henchman." Spitting this last part out with great spite, he spat,
"And I'm sure there are tons of black priests out there with _much_
bigger packages, dinky." With that, Hecubus turned out the door and
left. 

Shaft started to cry. "No," he told himself. "I broke up with _him_. I'm
not the victim." He breathed for a moment, trying to collect himself,
then he broke down into tears and cried all over his pillow, smearing
his mascare, badly. 

*	*	* 

"Morning, Alucard!" Plaz greeted in man-form because this is the
morning, if you paid attention to his quote. 

"Ungh..." he grunted back. He couldn't even make eye contact with her,
er... him. Not after last night. 

"You don't look so good," Plaz understated, sounding a bit concerned. 

It was blatently obvious to anyone with half a brain (namely Plaz,
(Twice the gender, only half the brain power!)) that he did not look
'Good'. 'Good' is what you looked like when you did not spend the whole
night staring wide-eyed at the ceiling, too afraid to ever fall asleep.
'Good' is not commonly associated with droopy, bloodshot eyes and having
a trickle of drool running down your cheek. 'Good' was definitely not
associated by being able to express with only your face your deep, inner
desire to kill yourself, your family and half the world's population
(mostly the yuppies) with a blunt instrument. In other words, Alucard
looked like shit. 

'Good' is what Bob looked like as he strolled into the kitchen and
grabbed a piece of toast, just as it popped out of the toaster. Alucard
didn't even remember bread being put _in_ the toaster. 

"Morning, Alucard! Hey, Plaz!" Bob greeted as he munched happily on his
toast. 

"Hey." 

"Ungh..." 

Seating himself at the table, Bob looked his companion over. One thing
that could be said for Bob, he knew how to be direct about things. "Wow,
Alucard, you look like shit." 

"You know, Young Belmont," Alucard exposited inbetween slow, shallow
breaths typical of a person feeling well below their peak. "Tact is a
very wonderful thing. You should really look into it someday," Alucard
went into his morning lecture as Plaz set down a bowl in front of Bob.
"Ettiquite and manners are both traits that you lack..." 

Plaz grabbed the box of Hiir-O's and poured them into Bob's bowl. 

"...If I were a queen or possibly a dutchess, and you came in and said I
looked like 'shit', as you so eloquintly put it, I'd have you hung,
drawn and quartered and shot..." 

He (not she) then poured milk from the jug on top of the cereal. Or, at
least, tried to. He/She ended up spilling half of the container onto
Bob's lap. 

"EEEEE!!" Bob screeched. "That's cold!" 

"I'm so sorry. Here let me clean you up." Plaz went to the sink to get a
wet washcloth. 

While this was happening, Alucard never stopped talking. "...If we are
going to continue our quest for much longer, you need to learn the
proper way to present yourself in pubic..." He trailed off as he watched
Plaz return from the sink with a moist rag and commenced cleaning off
the front off Bob's pants. 

They paused in their activities and looked over at their mentor. 

"What were you saying Alucard?" Bob asked. 

"I... er, as I was saying, in our line of work, we need to be able to
give a job..." Again he trailed off. Plaz leaned in closer to get the
stain out and his head dissappeared below the table line. 

Plaz looked up. "Al? Are you okay?" 

"I'm... fine. It's just that what we do is not only about battling evil
and whipping things, it also has social aspects. You both need to be
taught how to interact with people oral... ly..." Alucard sweatdropped
massively as Plaz began to scrub harder and his head moved up and down
with each stroke. "I, er, gotta blow- LEAVE right now, before I suck-
WASTE all of my handjob-- AGGHHH!" Alucard ran out of the room covering
his eyes and screaming. 

Bob and Plaz looked at each other, confused. 

"All this fighting Funk *handjive* ...and EVIL!, must be getting to
him," Bob mumbled. 

"I guess..." Plaz replied as he got back to work. "Now hold still, you
only need a few more good rubs and you'll be good to go." 

"I _can_ clean myself, you know." Bob said. 

"Don't be such a baby, I'm almost done." 

*	*	* 

In the Disco Infernal, there is a room which is like no other room,
anywhere... in the rest of the Disco Infernal. In it, there sits a
mini-fridge and a microwave. There is even a table with a couple of
egonomically designed chairs and a trashcan in the corner. A trashcan of
EVIL!... and Funk *handjive* etc. To many it is a place to be a avoided,
but to the minions of Count Vlad Tepes Dracula it is a santuary, the
last vestige of hope in the crazy Disco known as Infernal. It is... the
Employee's Lounge. From the sign on the door reading "Employees Only",
to the stack of paper cups on the counter, it is a land of peace and
prosperity. 

Black Priest Shaft, one such minion of Dracula, wandered into this
Employee's Lounge of the Disco Infernal, looking for something to vent
his frustrations on. He found it in the freezer. 

Taking out a carton of Double Mint Fudge Strawberry Almond Crunch Whirl
Twist Ice Cream, Shaft grabbing himself a spoon at sat down at the
lounge table. He pulled on the lid to try and get it off the container,
but it wouldn't budge. It must've been frozen on. He pryed with all his
Funk *handjive* ...and EVIL! might, but the lid remain adament. Banging
the container repeatedly on the table, he shouted at it, "Damnit! Give
me my ice cream you stupid bastard container! Can't you understand my
pain? Don't you know how I feel? Give me my damn ice cream!!" Still, the
carton ignored his pleas and held fast to the lid. 

Just as Shaft was about to go after the lid with a butcher knife, a man
wandered into the room. 

"I am _Sancho_." 

"Hi, Sancho, don't-" 

"No, no. It is _Sancho_." 

"Yes, _Sancho_, listen. Could you help me get the lid off this
container? It's being rather stubborn." 

"I shall help you in a way that only _Sancho_ can help." 

"Uh, thanks." 

Shaft stepped back and let the man work his magic. Gathering up the
power contained within, _Sancho_ [*STARED*] at the container with all
his _Sancho_ might and the lid popped right off. _Sancho_ posed
dramatically. 

Shaft stared at the container, totally in awe. "That was sweet! You must
tell me, how you did that?" 

"I am _Sancho_." _Sancho_ turned to leave the leave the employees
lounge, his task complete. 

Shaft looked up as the great man turned to go. "_Sancho_, can I ask you
something?" 

"_Sancho_ shall answer your questions. Ask _Sancho_ anything you need to
know." 

"You've... you've been in love before, right?" 

"_Sancho_ has had his share of women, yes." 

"What do you do when you know that someone is all wrong for you, but you
can't help but love them, anyway?" 

"To know the true answer, you must look deep within yourself and find
that which is _Sancho_. Once you learn to channel your inner _Sancho_,
the _Sancho_ path will be revealed." 

"How did you become so learned in the ways of thing?" 

_Sancho_ looked at Shaft knowingly. "I..." 

He paused dramatically. 

"...am _Sancho_." 

With a loud wooshing sound, _Sancho_ turned and left the employees
lounge, never to return again... 

... for the rest of this chapter. 

Shaft had a new hope gleaming in his eyes, and despite how much that
stung, he rushed out of the disco to find his true love. 

*	*	* 

The Trynamic Trio, sat together at a local diner, eating their second
meal for the day. 

"I don't get why the author is so obsessed with us eating, anyway." 

"What was that, Alucard? I didn't hear cause you were mumbling and I
wasn't really paying attention either- oh look, something shiny," Plaz
rambled, turning to stare at the metal napkin dispenser. 

"Nothing, Fernandez, I was just commenting that we," he looked up from
his twiddling thumbs into Plaz's face and continued, "should be... er...
um... Oh, look it _is_ shiny..." Alucard quickly turned away and
would've blushed had he not been undead or half-undead or something...
Look, it was because he was so damn bishounen, now lay off. 

As the two marveled at the latest technology in napkin distribution, Bob
returned with the tray of food. He set it down on the edge of the table
and began distributing everyone's lunch. 

"Let's see, for Plaz, we have three corndogs and an order of french
fries." 

"Did you get the catsup?" Plaz asked. 

"Sorry, all they had was ketchup," Bob apologized. "Here you go." He
handed Plaz a handful of packets. "And to drink you have a reasonable
facsimile of Diet Coke so as to avoid breaking any copyright laws." He
handed her cup. "For myself, I'll be having two macho tacos and a side
order of rice, with a large clear soda of indeterminate brand. And
Alucard..." He paused. 

At last it will be revealed what the enigma that is the cursed
half-breed son of Dracula whose human and vampiric natures eternally war
with each other and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming
evil consumes on a daily basis. 

"Alucard," he repeated, "will be eating..." 

*	*	* 

We interrupt this fanfic to annoy you and generally irritate you. 

*	*	* 

Once the food distribution had been completed, the three guys commenced
with the consuming. 

Alucard tried to explain the importance of today's mission to his two
lackeys. "Once we have finished consuming our consumables, we shall go
forth and penetrate..." He stopped and stared as Plaz took one of his
corndogs and delicately placed it into his mouth, lowering his moist
lips around it and flicked the end with his tongue before biting into
it. 

He looked up at Alucard. "What?" 

"Nothing. Now, Young Belmont the time has come for you to thrust..."
Alucard's eyes drifted over to Bob who was currently eating his tacos.
Except he was licking out the insides of the tacos by plunging his
tongue deep between the delicate folds of the tortilla. 

Bob glanced at Alucard. "Is something wrong?" 

"What are you doing?" 

"I'm eating my tacos. I like to eat out the insides and save the
tortillas for last." 

"I... okay. Continuing. We must go forth and defeat my father the lord
Dracula who sucks out..." Once again Plaz caught his eye. He was tearing
open the ketchup packets and stroking the sides with great care to get
out every last drop of ketchup the little packet could hold. 

"Alucard, are you feeling okay?" he asked as he picked up another packet
and got to work. 

"I'm fine. Now to battle my father, we must first conquer his castle,
which will not be a simple task. There are hundreds of monsters inside,
each ready to felate-- Damnit Bob! Don't you know how to use a fork?" 

Bob removes his face from his plate of rice and faced Alucard. Bits of
rice clumg to his chin and upper lip. "Sorry." 

"The castle itself is a giant maze. One wrong step and you'll
masturbate-- Gah! You guys are freaks!" Alucard stormed off from the
table. 

Plaz gazed up from her cup of fries. "What's the matter with him?" He
asked as his finished sucking the ketchup off the end of another fry and
dipped it back into the puddle of a certain red condiment. 

"I'm not sure, but he's about to go into the ladie's restroom." 

"EEEEEEEEEEEE!!! A pervert! Get him out! Get him out!!" 

*	*	* 

In an appartment on the lower east side of the upper west end, the
television was on, barely drowning out the wails of a weeping man. A
brown velvet recliner was strategically possitioned in front of the
screen. To the recliner's left (facing the screen) sat a small TV Tray
supporting a large tub of popcorn with all it's Discount Mart Sale Item
might. A pale, well-manicured hand reached out and grabbed a handful of
popcorn, then quickly retreated back in front of the chair. It was the
sort of quick popcorn grap technique only a man on the brink of madness
would use, and only then if he really meant it. Eating at a time like
this must've been the only thing keeping him from running out to play in
the middle of traffic. 

On the screen a young Johnny Carson delivered a humorous monologue. But
the man in the chair wasn't laughing. He was quite far away from ever
laughing. He was, in fact, doing pretty much what was said in the first
sentence of the previous paragraph. 

This man was Hecubus, crushed beyond all hopes. His dreams shattered
into a million tiny pieces. His hair all mussed and hanging off to the
side in a rather unattractive fashion. His spandex black jumpsuit,
looked pretty much like it always did, but it was still very depressing,
let me tell you. As for his face, well the only way you'd really be able
to grasp his expression of utter pain and agony would be for you to find
a large, muscular man and then ask him to rip your ears off. Once he
finished, you look in the mirror. That's pretty much what Hecubus looked
like, only ten times worse. Without all the blood, mind you. 

"I... I can't believe he left me..." Hecubus whimpered. "No!" He smacked
himself. "No! No! No! No! No!" He kept smacking himself with each
successive no. "I must be strong! I will show them that I am not a screw
up! I am an effective fighting force! I am one with nature! My manhood
is of adaquite length! Who's the man? Huh, bitch? Yeah! I'm the man! I'M
THE MAN!" 

Just as Hecubus was starting to feel a little better about himself, a
certain commercial appeared on the television set. 

*	*	* 

A man and a young boy walk down a beach together, hand in hand. 

The boy looks up into the man's face. "Dad, after you get back, we're
going to go to the ballgame together once you get home from your trip,
right?" 

"Of course, son. You can count on me." 

As they walk out of shot, a voiceover pipes in. "But what Little Timmy
couldn't count on was his father's Castlevanian Digress Credit Card." 

The father stands at a ticket counter, talking to the cute young blond
behind the counter. She looks basically like every other cute young
blond you see in commercials. After pretending to punch some numbers
into the prop computer, she asks him, "So, how will you be paying for
this flight, sir?" 

"With my Castlevanian Digress Card, of course!" He pulls out a shiny,
butter purple credit card and poses with his head tilted just so. 

She stares blankly at him. "..." 

"What?" 

"I'm sorry, sir," She patronized him. "We don't take Castlevanian
Digress." 

"What do you mean you don't take it?! I have a $10,000 credit limit!
They gave me EXECUTIVE STATUS!" He accompanies this with frantic arms
waves and wild facial expressions. 

"Sir, would you please calm down? Stop waving that filthy card at me!"
she exclaims while trying to shy away from the butter purple rectangle
of unimagineable horrors. When he didn't stop, she calls into a red
phone, "Security! Emergency at counter seven!" 

As she does this, he keeps ranting, "But you have no idea what premiums
I have to pay for this card! Please, just sell me this ticket!" 

Five men in black suits, wearing sunglasses and earpieces approach the
man. "Sir, would you come with us, please?" 

"Where... where are you going to take me?" he asked, a little scared. 

"To a happier place, sir. Trust us." They surround him and carry him off
to a backroom. As the door on the room closes, we see a skull and
crossbones. Below it is written: Ladies Restroom. 

The voice over chimes in as somber music plays. "And with that they took
David Zachimore out back and shot him. Dead." 

The little boy is in a vaguely kitchen-like setting. A woman stands over
him, pouring him a glass of lemonade. 

"Mom, when's Dad coming home?" 

The woman swallows sollomly. "Timmy, there comes a time in every young
man's life when he has to realize that-" 

"Cut the crap, Mom. Where is he?" 

"Your father's dead, Billy." 

"Timmy." 

"Timmy, sorry. The airport didn't accept Castlevanian Digress." 

Realizing he was supposed to react in a characteristically stereotypical
fashion, the boy cried out, "What?! He's dead?! NOOOOOOO!!!! Damn you
Castlevanian Digress! Damn you to the seventh circle of Detroit!" 

As the boy gestures menacingly at the camera in an over head shot, a
Veeza logo appears. The voiceover says, "Veeza, we don't kill people." 

*	*	* 

Tears streamed down Hecubus' face as the next commercial started up. "It
was just so sad. That little boy didn't deserve that." He reached into
his wallet and withdrew a butter purple card. With a look of
determination on his face, he strode into the kitchen to fetch the
scissors. 

As he chopped the butter purple card into itty bitty pieces, he burst
out in wails and moans of pain and sorrow. Why did the world have to be
so cruel? That little boy didn't deserve that! His Dad should have had a
credit card that had no spending limit and was accepted everywhere!
Hecubus collapsed, weeping, to the floor. He was not worthy to live. All
of the Funk *handjive* ...and EVIL! deeds he had done in his life. How
many Billy's Dads ... er, Timmy's Dads had he killed over the years? He
was scum. He was worse than scum. He is the stuff that even scum
wouldn't grow on. He wasn't any better than the credit card companies.
Hecubus rocked back and forth on the kitchen floor wallowing in his own
sorrow. 

*	*	* 

"So, Alucard, once we get inside Dracula's Fortress of Infinite Darkness
and Disco Dancing, how are we going to make our way through it?" Bob
asked as all three cruised down the road in their hot new crime fighting
vehicle that was public transportation. 

"I... um... Well, we just... I... Oh, I can't do this anymore!" Alucard
pulled the emergency cord that stopped the bus. Despite causing a
massive twenty car pile up in the middle of the freeway, the bus stayed
relatively unaffected. He rushed out the door, without bothering to open
it first and ran off into the forest that just happened to be right
there in the middle of the city. 

"I don't think he's having a good day," Plaz commented, newly morphed
into a female, as the sun was currently setting. The passengers on the
bus failed to notice the new developments taking place. (Heh heh...) 

"Well, I suppose we should go after him..." Bob stood up and made his
way towards the door. 

"Oh, Bob, look! It's an amusement park!" Plaz pointed excitedly out the
window. "Can we go? Huh? Can we? Can we?
Pleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease!!!" 

"Very well, Plaz." Bob agreed, because the way she was grasping onto his
shirt, how could he refuse? Plus, it gave him a funny feeling down
below, but we won't go into that. "We shall go forth unto the amusement
park! And there we shall ride the giant rollercoaster! And no man, be
they demon nor woman, shall stop us! Onward! To victory!" He posed
dramatically on the benchseat. 

"Are you okay?" 

"Yes! I just ate too many Hiir-O's this morning!" Scooping up Plaz in
his mighty arms, he strode boldly out of the vaguely vampiric hole in
bus door. 

*	*	* 

Hecubus looked out into the setting sun with his tear stained face. This
was it. He had had enough of what this world had to offer and was just
going to end it all here and now. He looked down to the busy street
below and promptly became nauseous. He had forgotten that he was afraid
of heights. 

Stepping back from the edge of the roof, he let out a sigh of relief.
This was closely followed by a sigh of failure. He couldn't even carry
through with this. Once again, he let himself be defeated. No! He
wouldn't quit this time! He was going to jump off this roof and prove
the world that he wasn't a quitter! 

Wait, his mind continued to dance around in circles, if he jumped off
the roof and committed suicide, wouldn't that be like giving up on life?
But he had already made the decision to do it, so if he didn't jump, he
would've failed again. But wasn't death the final failure? Shouldn't he
try to live and go on to succeed at something? He then remembered that
he was in the villian catagory, so he was damned to always losing... His
brain was clouded with all these random thoughts, he couldn't handle it.
Why did he have to quit drinking? 

No, wait, his mind remembered. He hadn't quit drinking, he quit chewing!
After spitting out the wad of tobacco at a random passer-byer down
below, he pulled a bottle of Vodka out from somewhere that needn't be
specified and proceeded to inhale it's contents, figuratively speaking
of course. 

Yes, he had made his decision, he was going to jump! Gathering his
strength, he rushed at the end of the building and stopped short. 

"Damn, that's high," he mumbled to himself. Stumbling away from the
edge, he looked down in defeat. He couldn't do it. There was too much
life to live. There was too much of the world left to witness. There
were too many experiences left to agonize over. There was-- 

"Hey, Hecubus!" a voice called, startling Hecubus out of his revelry. As
his head shot up to look at the source of the voice, his equalibrium
fell out of whack and his legs turned to jello. His body toppled over
off the edge of the building and he fell down towards the busy street
below. 

*	*	* 

When man goes up against nature, nature always wins in the end. But when
a cursed half-breed son of Dracula whose human and vampiric natures
eternally war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face
of overwhelming evil goes up against nature, nature usually gets bored
and goes home. 

Alucard rushed through the woods, now more man than beast. Er... beast
than man. Well half-man, half-vampire. I guess now it would be
half-beast... no, no, one-third beast, one-third man and one-third
vampire. Yeah, that's the ticket. Anyway, he was in the woods and he was
running. 

Soon, he reached the edge of the forest and peered out of the foliage.
Next to him was a chainlink fence and beyond that an amusement park
whose name was not important. He grinned savagely at the passing crowds
of fun-time havers. Leaping over the fence, he lunged at the nearest
person he could find: a man dressed up as the park's mascot. 

*	*	* 

Black Priest Shaft ran to the edge of the building and looked down over
the side and the pulmetting black-clad figure. No! It couldn't be! He
had come to confess his true feelings only to find that he scared his
love to death. "Hecubus! I love you! Please come back!" 

As Hecubus fell at incredibly high speeds towards his inevitable death,
he heard Shaft shouting down to him. He looked up and called back,
"Well, I would if I could, but I'm kinda in a one-directional situation
at the moment!" He looked back down at the ground that was rushing much
too fast towards him. Then he blinked. "Hold on, did you say you loved
me?!" 

"Yes! With all my heart!" 

"Oh that makes me so happy, my heart sings with delight, finally we can
be together forever. From the first moment I saw you I knew that I would
always love you. The way that you..." As Hecubus continued to recite
romantic prose, many of the readers began to wonder just how tall this
building was. 

Before Hecubus could hit the ground, though, something incredible
happened. 

*	*	* 

(No, the scene change wasn't it.) 

"WHEEEEEEEEE!!!" Plaz squealed excitedly, currently in girl form,
because it makes things easier that way. "Aren't rollercoasters
exciting, Bob?" 

"Yeah, I suppose so, but I'm worried about Alucard. He ran off by
himself into the forest. I'm scared he might do something terrible, even
for him," Bob said in a dramatically moving fashion, despite the fact
that he was riding an enormous roller coaster. 

"Don't worry Bob, I'm sure he'll be alright. I mean, it's Alucard after
all. Now, if you'll excuse me for a moment, I'm going to throw up." And
so she did. 

As the ride pulled to a stop, Bob wiped the vomit off his face and got
out of the roller coaster car. After he helped Plaz out of her seat,
they both made their way towards the exit. 

Outside the ride, they walked together, arms linked together. 

"Bob, I'm having so much fun today," Plaz said as she wiped a bit of
bile off her chin. 

"Yeah, me too. You know, Plaz," Bob turned to look into her eyes. "I
always wanted to tell you that I--" At that instant, dramatic necessity
interrupted their special little moment. "What's happening over there?
Come on, Plaz. Let's go check it out." He grabbed her hand and ran
towards the commotion. 

A large crowd of gathered around a man savagely beating the tar out of a
man in a giant foam-rubber mouse suit. The attacker, who was currently
proportionally divided amongst a selected amount of sub-groups that I
don't want to go into right now, grinned maniacally, with his long white
hair billowing and his Kool Kat Kape flapping crazily, screamed, "So,
you think you're all cute and cuddly, huh, punk?! Well, I'll show you
what it means to be cute and cuddly! Your Grandma will learn to LOVE
eating cuttlefish by the time I'm done! Insult my sombrero, will you?
YAARRGGHHLLEEE!!!" 

"Alucard! Now you stop this, this instant, young man! What if your
father saw you doing this? What do you think he'd say? Now I want you to
apologize to this young man and get come with me! We're going home! And
on the ride home, I want you to think about what you've done!" Bob
grabbed Alucard by the scruff of the neck and attempted to drap him off.

While Bob did this, Plaz apologized to the crowd. "I'm sorry, he's not
normally like this. He's usually very well behaved. You wouldn't believe
how easily he was housebroken. Really, I'm so sorry." She walked back up
to Bob and put her arm around him. "What do you think could've gotten
into him?" 

Alucard's bloodshot eyes lit up when he saw her arm go around Bob.
Wrestling himself free from Bob's grip, he ran towards the fence and
lept it in a single bound. In an instant, he vanished into the forest. 

Sighing together, Bob and Plaz ran after him and leapt at the fence,
bounced off and fell painfully on their rears. They then climbed their
way over the fence after much laboring. 

*	*	* 

Dracula sat on his throne, looking particularly bored with himself since
he didn't have anything major to do in this entire part. 

"I really do need to find myself a hobby." 

*	*	* 

Alucard dashed through the forest, all grasp on his humanity lost.
Nothing made sense anymore. It was like his whole life had become one
gigantic joke, perpetuated by a bunch of computer geeks. Reality itself
was slipping out of his grasp. All that was left now was the hunt. To
find and destory his damnedable father. He raced past all the foliage in
what he hoped to be the right direct. If only he had stopped to pick up
a map. Oh well, regrets were for the weak. He mind concentrated only on
the task at hand. Must buy milk- No! Must kill Dad! Must kill Dad! MUST
KILL-- 

"Alucard..." A soft voice, light as the broken wind, called out to him. 

He stopped, sniffing the air and glancing around nervously. 

"Alucard..." There it was again, like waves crashing on Ms. Sandy Beach.

"What sorcery is this? Show yourself demon!" 

A ethereal form materialized before him. It was a small blond figure,
with milky white skin and clad in the purist shimmering samite. Her feet
hovered delicately over the ground. She was in every possible way,
angelic. 

"Cindy Brady!" 

"Yes, Alucard, it is I, the littlest Brady. I have come here to put you
back onto the righteous path. You mustn't rush off to kill your father.
That is not a nice thing to do. What would you think would happen if I
killed Mike Brady? We'd get the highest ratings ever, but that's not the
point. It wouldn't be right. Go back to your friends and try to lead a
righteous life. I shall watch over you," she started to float upwards,
"from above." 

"Yes, Cindy! Yes, I shall! I believe in the power of the Brady's! Well,
off I go!" Alucard turned and started heading back the way he had come.
His face now glowed with the light of inner strength. 

Watching him as he left, Cindy began to snicker to herself, as he
disappeared from view the snicker grew into a full on cackle. "All too
easy," she commented to herself. 

*	*	* 

As Alucard approached a clearing, he saw two figure moving inside. He
carefully made his way towards the edge. There, he recognized the
shapes. It was the Belmont boy and young Belnades. And Belnades heads
was in Belmont's lap. From the way her neck pulsed, he could tell she
was sucking on something. 

He burst into the clearing without a moment's thought. "I can't believe
you guys! I really can't! I leave you alone for _five_ minutes and
you're already going at it! I new that dream was a prophecy! That's it!
I give up! I'm going to complete the quest on my own! You two can just
stay here and... _fornicate_ the night away! Farewell, you freakish
perverts!" Alucard stormed off into the forest leaving the two, once
again, all alone. 

"What do you suppose that was all about?" Plaz asked, looking up at Bob.

"I don't know. He's been like that all day." He looked up, thinking
about what could be the matter with Alucard. "Did you get it all out?" 

"Yeah, I think so. I can't believe that there would be snakes in this
forest." 

"I know. I've never seen one my whole life and then BAM I get bit," Bob
said as he rubbed the small puncture wounds on his inner thigh. "Do you
think I should see a doctor?" 

"Yeah, probably. But we should go find Alucard first." 

~!@#$%^&*()_+ 

Author's Notes: I do think I have outdone myself. This by far the most
perverted thing I have ever written, and I enjoyed every minute of it! 

Thank's to Rags for prereading, as usual. 

*	*	* 

"Are you one with your inner _Sancho_?"