Hecubus fell. He fell so long and fast that that the Dark Priest Shaft, who was watching him fall, soon faded out into the distance. It was really a surprise that it took this long to fall, as Hecubus had only fallen from his apartment balcony, and it was on the fifth floor. Hecubus began to wonder how long he would fall for. Then he hit, and he stopped wondering. All he felt was pain… for a few seconds. Then he died. ---------------------------------------------------------- Improfanfic Runs in Terror from Castlevania 1970: Disco of Evil Chapter 21: Hecubus and the Journey of Discovery Another Failed Attempt at Humor by: Mike “Darkmoon” Finkelstein Another Reason to Disavow Any Knowledge that he, Gaijin Dan Mastriani, started this whole mess. ---------------------------------------------------------- Hecubus woke lying on the ground. Only it wasn’t the ground he expected. It was very rocky, and warm. Looked more like Hell than his Apartment complex. “Actually, it’s Limbo, not Hell,” a voice said from above Hecubus. The man who had spoke was tall, with pointy ears. He was dressed in a blue shirt with a gold emblem and black pants. “Leonard Nimoy?” Hecubus asked. “Yes, it is I,” Nimoy replied. “But you aren’t dead!” “You didn’t read the last chapter of the story, did you?” Nimoy stated in question form. “Uh… no… I… uh… skimmed it to the parts I was in,” Hecubus said slowly. “Well, that’s your problem then.” “Why are you here?” Hecubus asked Nimoy. “I am your spirit guide. I have been sent to show you the way to redemtion.” “Redemption?” Hecubus asked. “Yes. You are currently in Limbo. If you choose to follow me, you may regain your life and one day go to a better place,” Nimoy stated. “Heaven?” Hecubus asked. “No,” Nimoy answered. “The Playboy Mansion.” “Sweet action!” Hecubus said as he got up. “Now, follow me down the Path of Righteousness,” Nimoy said. “Groovy,” Hecubus said as they started down one of the many paths the Limbo contained. ***** Shaft looked down at the mess that was Hecubus. He was depressed. The only person he had loved (in the emotional sense-he had “loved” plenty before, as only a studly Dark Priest of Funk *handjive* and Evil can) was dead. Shaft did the only thing that came to mind. He went to the Disco of Evil, grabbed two women, and “danced” the night away. Aftewards, he ate a gallon of chocolate ice cream and felt much better. ***** Hecubus and Nimoy had been wandering for a while. Hecubus was tired. Dying, and then walking for hours really took it out of you. “How much longer do we have to walk?” Hecubus asked. “Until we get where we are going,” Nimoy stated. “Yeah, that’s something I wanted to know about. Where the hell are we going?” “Look, Mr. Hecubus. This is a journey of self-discovery. That means you should discover something about yourself,” Nimoy said, obviously angered by Hecubus’ flippant remarks. “Yeah, well, discover this Vulcan boy!” Hecubus said and wandered off. “Fine!” Nimoy said, then the actor disappeared. Hecubus looked around. “Shit!” ***** Bob woke with a start. He was drenched in sweat. And he had a case of the willies! Plaz rolled over from her side of the bed. “What’s the matter dear?” ***** Bob woke with a start. He was drenched in sweat. And he had to puke. Plaz ran in from her room. “What’s wrong, Bob?” “Hecubus is in trouble!” Bob stated. Alucard ran in from Plaz’s room. “Hecubus! How do you know?” “Wait!” Bob yelled. “Why were you in Plaz’s room?” “Oh,” Alucard, the half-human, half-vampire, whose human and vampire natures ever war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil, said. “She and I are lovers.” ***** Bob woke with a start. He was drenched in sweat. And he was really tired of waking from his dreams with a start. He sat on his bed and waited. No one came in. No one rolled over. Bob lay back down and went to sleep, completely forgetting about Hecubus. ***** Hecubus sat down on a rock and tried to think. He was stuck in Limbo. Without a spirit guide. Without a map. Without a clue. Then a thought came to him. “Who am I?” Hecubus said his thought; as characters in stories are want to do. And the answer came to him. He had discovered who he was. He was a character in a badly written chapter of a really odd story. Knowing this, he did the first thing that came to mind. He walked off the page and onto the desk that the author’s computer sat on. Hecubus then used the authors mouse to scroll further in the story and see what his future was. Knowing his destiny, Hecubus walked back into the story and went about getting out of Limbo. ***** Bob woke with a start. He was REAL tired of this game. He looked around. Alucard and Plaz lay nearby. Thankfully, they were far away from each other. All four were in the Church of Scientology. He, Alucard, Plaz… and Hecubus! Bob checked to make sure he was right. And he was. Hecubus lay nearby them. Bob got up and wandered over to the unconscious henchman. Hecubus looked up. “You,” Hecubus said. “You,” Bob replied. “Bob, haven’t I taught you anything?” Alucard asked him. Then the half-human, half-vampire, whose human and vampire natures ever war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil continued on as if he hadn’t asked a question: “You never pay attention to me. You are never supposed to say just one word. That allows the enemy to actually focus on the situation at hand instead of confusing him into submission. This tactic was used much in the Political system of the middle and late 20th century…” “I need your help,” Hecubus said to Bob. “Why?” Bob asked, his hand already straying to his whip. The thought of using his whip in a fight with a known henchman of Hecubus excited him. Then his mind strayed to the thought of Plaz, who no one was really sure whether s/he was really a boy or a girl. That killed his excitement. Then his brain, taking the normal 3 minutes to process all information, got to the fact that Hecubus had asked for help. By this point, drool had started to pour down his chin and Bob jumped as his brain came back into focus. “Why? Bob asked, repeating his earlier question and ignoring Hecubus’ 3-minute reply to his earlier ‘why’. “Because I am in love,’ Hecubus said. “Love?” Plaz asked. “how sweet. In love with whom?” “The Dark Priest, Shaft,” “I hear he’s a bad mother…” Bob said “Shut your mouth,” Alucard replied. “Ewwww!” Plaz stated. “Shaft! That’s not so sweet!” “No. Plaz,” Alucard, the half-human, half-vampire, whose human and vampire natures ever war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil, said, “the correct response is ‘I’m just talking bout Shaft’. It comes from a show in the 70’s featuring a black man as a Private Investigator…” Ignoring Alucard, the half-human, half-vampire, whose human and vampire natures ever war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil, Hecubus walked over to the front doors of the church. He opened the doors, and night poured in. He then looked over to the heroes, who had gone from a discussion of the Shaft TV series to why the Samuel L. Jackson movie version was inherently inferior to the series it was based on, which in and of it self was interesting as this was supposed to be 1970, and the movie came out 30 years after this came out. Soon, the three heroes realized that there was a paradox in their discussion and instead switched to uncomfortable silence. Then, noticing that Hecubus had walked to the doors, they wandered over to him. “What are we going to do, Heccubus,” Bob asked. Before Hecubus could speak, Alucard, the half-human, half-vampire, whose human and vampire natures ever war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil, stated, “Bob, Hecubus is a henchman, and as such he cannot be trusted. Remember that as a hero, all things villainous must be feared and killed. It is the nature of the business. Why, I remember a time when you many times removed ancestor, Trevor, taught me this valuable lesson on out exploits through my demon-father’s Chateau of Doom, which was later changed in name by some Japanese programmers to Demon Castle, which I may have you know is a completely different sort of name…” Alucard trailed off from his very lengthy discussion when he realized no one was paying any attention. Hecubus then said, “well, having looked into the future, I know that unless I was to have come along, you would have spent five completely pointless chapters in the Church of Scientology before realizing that one of you had the key to the Disco of Evil. So, I decided to tell you to just use the key and end this story early. Then, we can all go to the Playboy Mansion and get down with our Dark sides. Alucard, the half-human, half-vampire, whose human and vampire natures ever war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil, then broke in, “first off, as a half-human, half-vampire, whose human and vampire natures ever war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil, I must point out that if I were to give into my dark side, then I would not be a half-human, half-vampire, whose human and vampire natures ever war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil. Instead I would just be a half-human, half-vampire, whose human and vampire natures get nasty with the face, and other body parts, of overwhelming evil. Also, I sold the key to pay for our hotel room two or three chapters back.” “Wait,” Hecubus said. “You sold the key.” Alucard, the half-human, half-vampire, whose human and vampire natures ever war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil, nodded. “That’s not supposed to happen…” Then they heard a voice from above… ***** >From his computer, the author was quickly editing the story he had devised to stop Hecubus from ruining the fun everyone was having and actually giving this story and ending. ***** The voice said, “ha ha.” Hecubus looked around. “Fine, lets go into the church and find another key. I mean, there has to be another one, right?” There was a pleading tone to his voice. “I would assume so,” Alucard, the half-human, half-vampire, whose human and vampire natures ever war with each other and who struggles to do good in the face of overwhelming evil, said. And the party of heroes who’s total now equaled four went back into the Church to find another key to the Disco of Evil. “So,” Bob said to Hecubus as they walked, “what exactly is at the Playboy Mansion?”… ***** End Chapter 21 Author’s Notes: You may be asking yourself, “wasn’t that a rather pathetic Journey of Discovery?” You would be right. My response: “Hecubus is a rather pathetic character.” If he wasn’t, then he would be a real hero or a real villain. But, I like Hecubus, and I wasn’t just going to let him die. So, I gave him his own chapter. I hoped you liked it. Oh, by the way, I don’t even know what I was on when I wrote it. So, don’t blame me if it made about as much sense as every other chapter so far. ***** _Sancho_ sat on his couch. He drank a beer and watched porn, as only _Sancho_ can watch porn. Today was _Sancho’s_ day off, or, as _Sancho_ called it, _Sancho Day!_ As such, _Sancho_ was relaxing and doing relaxing evil, hence the porn. And he laughed to himself his best _Sancho_ laugh, as only _Sancho_ can. As far as _Sancho_ was concerned, this was the most evil relaxing thing a _Sancho_ could do. After he was done with porn, _Sancho_ would make a sandwich loaded with calorie, which was as evil a sandwich as there ever was. Then, to finish off this week’s _Sancho Day_, he would crank call the Dark Priest, Shaft. Then he would sleep and dream about evil, _Sancho_ type things.