FAQing Hostile: Subcultural Mutant Otaku Versus the Mundanes Chapter 19 By Jeff Gillingham (FAQing Hostile originally the brainchild of Twoflower) ***** Tobias was excited. After only one day of interrogation, that Hoffa gave him enough information to piece together those wretched otaku's general whereabouts. He could almost taste them. Well, not that he would WANT to taste them. That he would save for the 'elite' cadre of CAB mutants in the chopper. Specifically, those left over from the humiliating infighting upon landing in Detroit. Soon the FAQ would be in his grasp. And maybe, just MAYBE Director Richards would give him that date. 'And oh what a date it would be...' Before he knew it, Toby had stars in his eyes. What's worse was he knew it. 'Those blasted otaku. They're like a blasted disease! They're starting to affect even ME! I can't wait to blast their blasted hides!!' The helicopter pilot didn't have the balls to tell Director Tobias he was power-posing. ***** Sherman rolled on. Dave sat on the main turret watching the terrain pass by, as he mulled over how could rid himself of his newbie tag. He couldn't decide which stung more, "baka baka baka..." or the fact that Vixen let him put his heart and soul into this doomed project. Vixen. Dave was surprised when he realized he was tired of pining away for someone who *obviously* cares little for the piner-awayer. 'But she's *VIXEN*! Smart and strong and a great fighter and kawaii and SO kawaii and...' Dave had to collect his thoughts long enough to stop his nosebleed. Phreakachu was sleeping off his hangover in his quarters, in his own cute-but-he'd-zap-you-if-you-even-mentioned-it way. Or rather, "Chu ka pika pi," as he put it to Dave and Rachael earlier in passing. After zapping Dave on principle. B1FF was valiantly playing against Zirconia in a vicious game of strip tiddly-winks. B1FF fought to retain the right to keep his Dragon Ball Z Official Underoos (tm) on. Zirconia quested after revenge, for B1FF managed to get both her shoes AND socks off. The fact that he gloated about that amazing feat for 10 whole minutes didn't help her mood. Nick idly passed the time by tossing a discarded tiddly into the air and catching it. He was also secretly rooting B1ff on. Rachael practiced being apathetic, but not too hard. It takes severe concentration to not concentrate on anything. 'I wonder if Dave is still interested in seeing that tentacle anime with me?' She blushed and lit another candle. She then set herself to work harder at doing nothing. Vixen looked over the map for the zillionth time, bored out of her gourd. Things had been too quiet for her taste the past day and a half. No one to shoot at. No one to trade with. No newbie to yell at. No one to shoot at. Vixen blink-blinked as Dave's face appeared belatedly in her mind. She tried to will it away, but her mind spited her by making Dave's face smile in that kawaii way that she super-secretly-only-her-subconscious-admits-it liked. She growled and made a note to kick Dave's ass when she saw him next. Sherman rolled on. ***** Rachael popped her head out of the main hatch and looked around. "Dave?" When there was no answer, she sighed. Or at least started to, but caught herself and stopped. She started to climb down the ladder and close the hatch when he answered, startling her. "I'm up here, Rachael." She fully climbed out and saw Dave still sitting on the turret. Without waiting for an invitation, she climbed up onto the turret and sat next to him. After a mile of total silence, Rachael dared to glance at Dave. She saw the distant look in his eyes. She bit her lip when she realized she'd rather make him pay attention to her than let him be moody and apathetic. She held out a juice box for him. His eyes focused on the box, then on her. He smiled and took it. "Thanks." He sipped from it absent-mindedly and resumed staring at nothing. Another mile went by with no speaking. Sherman passed a sign that read, "Evanston 10". She stood up. "Not that it's any of my business, but maybe we should start getting ready," said Rachael. Dave opened his mouth to answer when the tank hit a large bump and Rachael fell into his arms. They stared into each other's eyes for a long moment. Heartbeats sounded like Sherman's main gun firing. Lips were scant inches away. Both blushed, then they let go of each other and sat a good five feet apart. There was a moment of nervous laughter. Rachael stood up and started for the hatch. "Um..." Rachael turned around. Dave scratched the back of his head and said, "Thanks for the drink." "Whatever." She climbed down the hatch and smiled when Dave couldn't see her. ***** Nick fidgeted with the tiddly wink. SOMETHING was nagging him. What could he possibly have forgotten? "Zirconia, something's been bugging me for the past few hours. Have we forgotten something?" She grunted in reply. Both she and B1FF were hunched over the table, deep in concentration. Somehow, someway, the gods of fate smiled upon the otaku. The K1boist was down to her bra and panties, and it was her turn. She got ready to make her shot. Nick stood up suddenly, bumping the table. Zirconia's elbow got bumped and her shot was a lot harder than she expected. Nick exclaimed, "I remember now! We forgot to disable the mine field!" He grinned with achievement. Things started moving in slow motion. B1FF and Zirconia looked up at the tiddly wink arcing high into the air. Then both looked at Nick with mouths agape. A look of horrified realization of his words came across Nick's face. Then all three slowly watched the tiddlywink descend. *Tink!* It bounced once off of the rim, arcing back into the air. *Tink!* It bounced off the other rim and arced gently to the middle of the cup... ...And an explosion rocked the underside of Sherman as it neared the outskirts of Evanston. Things started moving quickly as the tank was tilted up to a thirty-degree angle to the side. ...Dave stumbled backwards off the turret and bounced hard off the bulkhead. Unconscious, he slid and fell to the ground. ...Phreakachu fell out of bed and cursed violently enough to make the 4 remaining unbroken bottles in his quarters shatter. ...Vixen fell out of her chair and cursed violently enough to make 4 of Sherman's monitors crack. ...Rachael's candles fell on her and caught her dress on fire. She beat out the fire, being as nonplussed as she could be, and doing a very lousy job of it. Being nonplussed, that is. ...And the gods of fate laughed their ass off at B1FF. For the tiddlywink landed just barely inside the cup. ...And Sherman ponderously fell back onto its ruined tread. Everyone inside was thrown around like ufo catcher dolls. Everything lay still. ***** The near-rhythmic explosions and seismic activity gently awoke Dave. Rubbing his head, he carefully sat up. Off in the near distance explosions lit up the sky. After quickly rubbing a few brain cells together, Dave scrambled in the tilting Sherman. He quickly took stock of the situation. Everyone was unconscious on the floor. Several people were injured with visible cuts and bruises, especially those in a state of undress. He was solidly PHOCKED. "We are solidly PHOCKED," he muttered. "Sherman! Are you online?" "Yes, Dave. Hello." "Yeah, hiya Sherman." Dave sweatdropped. "What happened?" "Apparently the K1boists had laid a minefield to protect Evanston in their absence. I did not know to look for them on my scanners. I'm sorry." "Ummm...don't worry about it right now, Sherman. What's that coming from the South?" One of Sherman's few remaining monitors lit up, showing CAB mutants scrabbling over hills and being blown to pieces. Dave sweatdropped again. "Dave, I have an incoming transmission." He looked over at the unconscious Vixen. He made a decision with his budding yet underused backbone. Taking a deep breath, Dave said, "Sherman...open the transmission." "Hai." "-epeat. To those in the crippled Otaku tank. Soon you will be overrun by a large horde of mutants. I will call them off if you give me the FAQ. Please respond." Dave pressed the Transmit button. "W-who are you?" "Does it matter right now? All you have to do is give me the FAQ and you and your friends will be safe." 'What would Vixen do in a situation like this?' After prudently removing his finger from the Transmit button, Dave asked, "Sherman, can you hit them from here?" "Hai." "Well, then fire! Destroy them for the Otaku way! Then Vixen will like me!" Dave took the time to complete a crucial powerpose. If a crippled tank could sweatdrop, it would have. Sherman's main gun took aim and fired. *DOKAAAAAAANN* The tank rocked up and fell back down on its ruined tread for a second time. Everyone inside the tank was thrown around again. ***** Toby heard a deep booming sound. A tiny voice inside him suggested that he get his ass out of Dodge. Moving quickly, he threw himself out of the chopper and scrambled away. The pilot, sensing something was amiss, did the same. The chopper became a very gratifying fireball of explosiony goodness. ***** Groaning, Dave sat up. Cuts and bruises were much more prevalent among the otaku now. "Sherman! Was the target destroyed?" "Hai." Dave ran over to the monitor and jumped in exultation. "YAHOOEY! Shoot 'em again!" "I'm afraid I can't do that, Dave. Too many of my systems have been damaged." Dave was about to sweatdrop when he saw a couple of mutants charging at the tank on the monitor. Telling himself this is what Vixen would do, he made for the hatch. After climbing out, Dave shut the hatch behind him. Taking careful aim, Dave managed to successfully shoot one of the two remaining mutants. Unfortunately, he used up the entire clip in his gun to do so. The remaining mutant leapt up onto the tank, knocking Dave onto his back. He looked up at the green monster that planned to unleash MaliciousIntent(tm) in his direction. "Eep!" Dave eeped. ***** Author's Notes: OOSHA! Finally done! *powerpose* Of course, all this was done at the last minute. I wish it were otherwise, but I was way too busy the previous week. (thank god for national holidays! ^_^) I'm pretty damn proud of this chapter. (WHICH just happens to be my first for Impro.) It's a bit shorter than I wanted. Given more time, I'd have the Gang find the K1bonist artifact. (which ranged from a stuffed penguin to a Pentium showing a Blue Screen O' Death, to a glass half full of water.) Oh well. Still, good luck to MEESTER Poa. After this, you're gonna need it >:D And dagnabbit, i like my made up words. BTW, thanks to everyone who talked me out of giving Dave powers. In retrospect, that was a Bad Idea (tm) ^_^;. I figure this shook things up enough yet kept it kosher. AND to Mark Poa for the spit-shine suggestions. I've been wanting to give Sherman that line since I read the first chapter ;D. Send compliments, ideas, compliments, and comments to raptor1@mindless.com