Furniture Warriors PART TWENTY-ONE: The Ramifications of Furniture on 21st Century Psychology or The Trouble with Twins (or not) (Formerly) A Spoof Chase Production NOW An ImproFanfic Production (http://pixelscapes.com/improfanfic) A Furniture Warriors ImproFanfic created by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne. This Episode by Damien Roc. (All characters copyright Nihana-san, obviously. If I ever even considered claiming that these were my own characters I'd be... umm... well... that is... er... I'm sure that it would be something rather unpleasant, let me tell you, I just can't think what it might be right now. If you wait a little while, I'm sure I can get back to you on it.) -------- Previously on Furniture Warriors: A lot of stuff. Most of it isn't going to be recited right now, so I'll just focus on the important bits for this part... or I'll just write down whatever comes across my mind. Hugh and Fifi were walking along, and Hugh disappeared down a chute and ended up by the 'NOT A VORTEX, ACTUALLY AN ICE CREAM MAKER.' thingy. I believe the last words out of his mouth were "Harry." Fifi was distraught about this, and attempted to find help, but without much results. (HA! I knew Leo was a crass bastard.) Ikea challenged Marlo, but Marlo destroyed his chair. Dr. Pfischer hit Marlo with a file cabinet, and Ikea escaped. Yarslov and Fifi (but not pillow-and-lingerie Fifi, rather the other Fifi who had been, in the past Maid Fifi and Frigidaire Fifi, and who's real name was Joanie, but she likes to be... Look, this is getting ridiculous. I'm just going to call her Joanie and be done with it, okay. The joke's been dragged on far enough. You understand that right... ...right?) Anyway, Yarslov and Fi... er Joanie finally escaped from the dimension of light or whatever it may be. And then the Flaming Avacado of Doom exploded. Much to no one's suprise (because there was no one there to BE surprised) a young woman (naked H_H) emerged from the avacado. A mysterious young woman. Marlo had started talking like The Rock. This, I had found, was somewhat disconcerting, because he's better as a Chris Jericho knockoff, IMNSHO, but there's not too much that can be done about it NOW, I suppose, so I'll live with it. ... Oh, and that has nothing to do with the plot, just an observation. Ikea, after some rather ineffective training, showed up for a rematch. Marlo got ready to paste him royally, when something stranged happened. Ikea disappeared... ... And reappeared elsewhere, apprently in the presence of Queen Radiance. [Cue highly-regarded medical show ripped music and show opening sequence that shows the letters "FW" a lot.] -------- Ikea worked the wood. He sanded. And lathed. And sawed. And did a number of carpentry things this author doesn't know about. He did them calmly, for that is how Ikea does things. He worked the wood to the point that he was one with it. And he thought back to what Queen Radiance had said. "You must remake your weapon. Call me through FurnitureSpace and I will return you to your battle." Then she handed him a stack of 2x4s. Ikea worked at the wood... and meditated on the nature of furniture. *** Lumi, aka Dark Queen Radiance, possessed a rather single-track mind. Not that she didn't think about many different things, indeed, Lumi could probably think about more things in a day than most people, it's just that when Lumi thought about one thing, she only thought about that one thing... at least until something else crossed her mind. For instance, Lumi was thinking about ice cream. While this was not out of the ordinary, she had supplanted her earlier thoughts (Get Ikea, for he took the ice cream away) with 'Get the ice cream, now, dammit!' Brilliance isn't a sign of intelligence, it is rather the ability to figure out the right thing at the right time. Brilliance decided to settle upon Lumi this day. The combination of Brilliance and Lumi's single track mind brought her to the kitchen. Lumi looked around. "Mou, where is everthing?" she wondered. For, like all the other furniture in the Ottoman Empire - save those objects provided by Marlo - all the appliances and counters and everything were gone. In the center of the floor sat the cook. A large overturned bowl lay next to him, its contents, the last remaining slop from the previous day's lunch - spreading out on the floor. He had started coating his chest with the substance, and a nice goopy layer had been added to his beard. He made "b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b" noises and grinned at Lumi. "Soup's on!" he called. This put Lumi slightly off. Instead of throttling the man and demanding for the location of the ice cream, she instead said "Anou... do you know where the ice cream is?" "GONE! THEY'RE ALL GONE!" The man attempted to scramble towards her. The lack of friction between himself and the stable floor caused him problems. He belly- flopped, sending a splash of the gray-green slop everywhere. Dark Queen Radiance was confused. It wasn't normal for anyone to try and attack her. It was against the rule, in fact. She considered - briefly - making the man know this, but her stomach rumbled, so she decided to search for ice cream elsewhere. *** Hugh looked down at Harry. Harry didn't look back, he just said, "Squeak! Squeak!" and scooted along the floor a bit more. "Not quite feeling yourself to day, Harry?" Hugh asked. "I've had a few thoughts about this whole thing that I could share with you." Harry stopped. He looked at Hugh, his face very serious, and - Hugh noted - quite sane. It was the sort of sanity that mass murderers have just before they make their first kill. Hugh swallowed and blinked. By the time his eyes opened, Harry was saying "Squeak" again. "Well," Hugh said, "No sense waiting around here, I'm off to get out of here." He looked up at the hole he had come through then over at the obvious entrance to the room. Hugh was not the sort of person to take a hint, even when said hint involved a number of very visible blades, flamethrowers and bear a more than passing resemblance to a gaping maw of a creature that would gladly have him for lunch. He took a step towards the exit. Harry stopped in mid "Squeak". He turned his head and saw what seemed to be a surprisingly well carved statue of a man made out of charcoal. "Ow," Hugh rasped. *** Fifi remained worried. She had searched for hours and still no sign of Hugh. Not, she reasoned, because she felt any particular need for him to be around, what with Dark Queen Radiance and Marlo causing a shift in power so great she had no other friends and was feeling rather lonely without a pillow to hug. No, it was because he was useful, yes, that was the ticket. Hugh was useful to her, therefore it would be best if she could find him... Besides, his colors certainly made everything seem a bit more warm and friendly. Fifi drew herself up straighter, feeling renewed vigor to find her frie... er, to find Hugh. She turned a corner smartly. "Ow." "Oh, my. I'm sorry. Are you hurt?" Fifi squeezed her eyes shut against the pain. Her nose felt like it had just grown ten-fold and pulled the nerves along with it. She pressed her lace-gloved hands against her nose. It felt like the same pert nose it had always been. Reluctantly, she forced her eyes open. Her vision throbbed. There was a figure in front of her. "Here, let me check that." The figure reached towards her. Fifi's senses took over. She slapped the hand away. "You... you trollop! Why don't you look where you're going?" "Oh, I'm terribly sorry, but you looked hurt." "I am perfectly fine..." Fifi turned her nose upward. Gradually, the figure came into focus, and the word "peasant" died on her lips. "Oh, God, it's you." The woman cocked her head a bit. "I'm sorry? I am Queen Radiance. And you might be?" "I am Fifi L'Enfer. Aren't you supposed to be looking for some ice cream?" "Ice cream? Oh, goodness, no. It would not be healthy." Fifi thought about this. "You can't just run around and burn it off?" Queen Radiance gave a slight shrug. "I could, but I don't really care for ice cream." "Ah," Fifi said. "I'm sorry to trouble you, but could you explain what exactly is going on here? I just arrived and you are the first one to talk to me. Why does everyone look so sad?" For some strange reason, Fifi felt a liking to Queen Radiance. She felt very much at ease. She also felt that if she did not answer, she would get a quiet, yet firm, scolding. That was somehow the most frightening experience she could imagine. So she explained. "I see," Queen Radiance said. "Oh, no, that won't do at all. Something must be done about the Furniture Space access." "Well, duh! Anyone could have figured THAT out, it's just that nobody knows what TO do," Fifi answered. Or at least she would have, in a different situation in a different universe, and probably by a different author. So instead she said "What can we do?" "Find Doctor Shockwave. He can open the accessways to my Dimension of Light. There you will find what will grant you access to Furniture Space." "And what's that?" Fifi asked, eyes glistening. Oh, she could have her wonderful pillows again! Queen Radiance told her. Fifi pikued a few times. "Erm... what?" Radiance tilted her head back and her eyes lost focus slightly. "Oh, my! I really have to be going. It was so nice to meet you, however. Perhaps we can have a drink of tea together sometime." And then she disappeared. Fifi chewed on her lip, running what Radiance had told her through her mind. *** Rebecca watched the exchange between Fifi and the other woman. -Dammit! Why are they talking so quietly.- She leaned forward from her hiding place and strained to listen. Then the other woman disappeared. Surprised, Rebecca fell forward and landed with a "Whulp!" Fifi spun around to face her. For a moment a look combining fear and anger crossed the be-lingeried one's face, then she smiled. "Rebecca! I need your help!" Rebecca scrambled to her feet. "What? After what you did to me! I wouldn't help you for anything. I'm going to make you suffer." She turned around and started to stomp away. "Oh, but Rebecca, girls look so much better in lingerie! In fact I have just the right little number for you, if you'd just..." "Fifi!" Rebecca whirled around and shook a finger in Fifi's face. For a moment they both stared at it. Fifi looked at her expectantly. "Shut up!" Rebecca spun around again. "I know how we can access our weapons again." Rebecca stopped. Revenge just wouldn't be the same without her curtain-rod. "What... how can we do that." She stole a sideways glance over her shoulder at Fifi. "We need to find Doctor Shortwave." Fifi paused. She swallowed and visibly strengthened her resolve. "He can help us find the Flaming Guacamole of Doom." *** Shelley did not quite know where she was. But she seemed to be able to move around, which was an improvement over her last condition... that she could remember, anyway. It felt rather good to get the ground beneath her. With each step, in fact. It was a sort of continuous experiment: place foot forward, test for ground, yup, okay, shift weight forward, place next foot forward, test for ground, yup, okay, shift weight forward. And so forth. She continued this for a while, and started getting a feeling for it. Her thought process went something like this... Place foot forward. It really seems like I'm forgetting something. Test for ground. Something important. Yup, okay, shift weight forward. I wish I could remember what it was. Place foot forward. I wonder if anyone else knows what it might be. Test for ground. I could probably ask someone. Yup, okay, shift weight forward. Who might know about something. Place foot forward. Joanie or Rebecca? Test for ground. They might no something, but that doesn't sound right. Yup, okay, shift weight forward. Yarslov? Place foot forward. Yarslov! Test for ground. That... pig! Nope, okay, shift weight forward. I'll... Shelley almost got through "Place foot forward" again when she finally realized she was falling. Oh, this is a new experience. It didn't take long until she stopped. Something broke her fall. Something rather warm... and crunchy, but still somewhat soft. It groaned beneath her. "Squeak, squeak" Harry said. *** DO YOU SEE THE IMPORTANCE OF IT ALL? "Oh, yes. I do. Sir." GOOD. IT IS VITAL TO SEE SUBTLETY LIKE THAT. IT CAN TELL US A LOT ABOUT OUR OWN LIVES. "But sir, did they really mean for Kryton to be the manifestation of our evil souls?" Someone stepped in front of the TV, stopping Emporer Ottoman and Dr. Pfischer from their discussion. YES, CAN WE HELP YOU? Dark Queen Radiance looked at the two figures. They seemed familier somehow. Little bits of information connected in her head. Unfortunately, not quite the right bits of information. "Where is Ikea?" she demanded. "Oh, he hasn't been seen since he disappeared during that last fight with Marlo," Dr. Pfischer replied, not quite keeping up with things. "I need him for the ice cream! Do _you_ know where any ice cream is?" UMM, DOCTOR, I JUST REMEMBERED I LEFT THE BATHROOM LIGHT ON. "Does that matter now, sir? Sir?" Dr. Pfischer realized he was very much alone. Alone with Dark Queen Radiance, who, in addition to being a person who acted before she thought (if indeed she thought at all) tended to be somewhat more powerful than him. He patted the file cabinet next to him, but it didn't reassure him. They say that necessity is the mother of invention. It is probably much truer that fear of getting the shit kicked out of you is the mother of really good ideas. Dr. Pfischer had a good idea, possibly the best since he first appeared in our story. "Umm... I don't know where any ice cream is... but Marlo probably has access to an ice cream maker." He cowered in a shaking huddle for five minutes before realizing that Dark Queen Radiance was gone. *** "Oh, yes. It looks very nice, Ikea, but I think I needs one last thing." There was a small flash of light. Ikea looked at the mark Queen Radiance had made on his new chair. His eyebrow twitched slightly, for he felt that decoration was too much of a luxury for a humble furniture warrior such as himself. "Now I must return you to the site of your last battle." *** Miss Oeru coughed lightly. "Yes? What is it that you with to say to Marlo. It had better be important." "Sir. Your fight will resume." *** The furniture warriors filed into the arena. Most of them looked about one step north of "totally dejected and lost". They at least knew that the fight should be good... oh, and they wouldn't have to listen to Hugh's speeches. Marlo's regime was good for that much, at least. Ikea kneeled on one side of the ring, his eyes closed. He breathed and felt the life of the chair flowing into him. He had made this chair, he had become one with the wood. The chair was an extension of himself. This was the true nature of a furniture warrior. "So, you've come back for Marlo to lay the smackdown on your rooty-poo candy ass." Ikea opened his eyes. The former running gag sauntered into the ring, pulling out an old water heater. "Marlo does not have time to waste on you. Marlo says that this will be a quick fight." Ikea breathed in and pulled the chair off his back. Marlo drew back and made ready to throw the heater. The doors to the arena burst open in a flash of light. All eyes turned toward the commotion. Well, almost all eyes. Ikea was already swinging. "You!" Dark Queen Radiance shouted, pointing in the general direction of the two combatants. "Where is the ice cream..." She paused dramatically. "...maker!" Marlo got his eyes back on Ikea just in time to see the words "Lightville Slugger". -------- END PART TWENTY-ONE! Stay tuned for Furniture Warriors... PART TWENTY-TWO: What I Wouldn't Do For A Nice Plate of Mexican FURNITURE! 3-WAY SEX!... oh, wait. 3-WAY BATTLES! FURNITURE! LINGERIE! all in the next installment, written by Scott Stockton! -------- Author's note: Egad, this sucked. I apologize wholeheartedly for this part being so bad. I'm in the midst of a week of intense studying, and barely had time to even slap this together. I'd thank my pre-readers, but lack of time means there aren't any. So I expect any reviews of this part to point out a number of glaring errors. >_< I would like to thank John Evans, who helped out in my plotting of this part. Ah, well. It's over with, now. Hopefully, if I write any parts in the future, they'll be better than this one. Again, apologies. Damien Roc Water Dragon Productions http://www.whyweb.com/damienroc