Furniture Warriors


                         PART TWENTY-FOUR:
				  Sofa, So Good
                               or
                  Hey, What Could Possibly Go Wrong?


                  (Formerly) A Spoof Chase Production
                               NOW
                       An ImproFanfic Production
                 (http://pixelscapes.com/improfanfic)


                           Created By
                     Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne


                  This episode by Kate Malloy


       (All characters copyright Nihana-san, obviously.  If I ever
       even considered claiming that these were my own characters
       I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where I'd be forced
       to eat my Robert Jordan novels to live.)


*****

Previously, on Furniture Warriors:

Ikea became the victor of the all-out brawl featuring himself, Marlo, and Dark 
Queen Irradiance, also known as Lumi-chan.  This victory, however, came at a 
terrible price, as Ikea succumbed to a horrible, overwhelming force: his own 
emotions.  After scaring the heck out of a poor innocent grasshopper, he ran off 
to find his sister.

Joanie discovered that, yes, the law of gravity was still in effect, and found 
at the bottom of the hole, not a white rabbit, but the long-lost Shelly! (And 
Hugh and Harry as well.)  Unfortunately, the quartet was still in no position to 
escape, as this particular hole contained more traps than your average 
archeological site in an Indiana Jones movie.

Dr. Pfischer returned to the Emperor's Secret Evil Hideout, with good news and 
bad news.  The bad news was that Ikea's mind had snapped like the proverbial 
twig; thus, another one of their evil plans had backfired like the proverbial 
old Ford pickup.  The good news was that he had managed to capture Dark Queen 
Irradiance.  Rather than attempting to take control of her again, the Emperor 
decided on a better use for her: furniture!

Marlo was...persuaded...by Leonardo DiMario to form an alliance.  In exchange 
for access to FurnitureSpace, Leonardo promised to help Marlo defeat Ikea.  And 
so the not-so-dynamic duo set off to lay the smack down upon the unfortunate 
Tibetan Furniture Warrior.

Finally, Yarslov encountered the last thing he ever expected to see (okay, maybe 
the second-last thing, as the Rockettes dancing the Macarena while dressed in 
giant cheese wedge costumes weren't available at the moment): Ikea hugging him.  
Yes, his old friend and training partner had finally lost it and given into the 
Dark Side, err, the Light Side, err, the Off-White Side.  Ikea, in one moment of 
lucidity, begged Yarslov to defeat him so he could regain his honor.  However, 
that would be a thing most unfroody to do to a friend, and Yarslov refused.  
Ikea attacked anyway...

...and that brings us to where we are now.

*****

Yarslov was in trouble.  Well, that was really an understatement, as his true 
love Shelly, that most excellent dudette Joanie, and a couple of other dudes who 
he didn't consider all that froody, were stuck down a hole.  He was being 
attacked by his best bud Ikea, who seemed to have lost it.  Finally, he couldn't 
use his normal weapon and was stuck using a pool cue.  It wasn’t a bad weapon, 
but he’d never actually tried to use it in combat until now.

Thus, it was safe to say that he was getting his butt kicked at the moment.

"Hah!  Have at you!" Ikea exclaimed as he aimed yet another vicious chair swing 
at the unfortunate Swedish surfer dude.  Yarslov barely got the pool cue up in 
time to block it.

"This is, like, majorly uncool!" Yarslov yelled.  "Dude, what's wrong with you?"

"Ah, after so many years of repressing my feelings..." Ikea soliloquized, 
pausing to pose dramatically.  "At long last, I can be free!  Free to chase 
butterflies and romp in puddles and wear sunscreen!"  He giggled uncontrollably.

"But what about your dad and your sis and the whole Honorable Tibetan Furniture 
Warriors Dojo?" Yarslov asked.

Ikea's emotions did a complete U-turn, and he burst into sobs.  "You're right!  
Oh, I'm so shameful!  I am mud!  No, I'm lower than mud!  I am...imitation wood 
paneling!"

Yarslov gasped in horror.  That really was low.  "Ikea, man, get a hold of 
yourself.  What about calm in battle and inner balance and being one with the 
knotholes?"

Ikea stopped his attack, and his face straightened.  For a moment, he was in 
complete control of himself, so he set down his chair and looked at his friend.  
"Yarslov, I humbly ask your forgiveness.  But I must insist that you defeat me 
in combat."  His eyebrow twitched, and he looked almost worried.  "Please, or 
else I will become that raving, horrible madman again.  For my honor, I beg 
you..."  He clutched his head, and his features contorted in anger.  Snatching 
up the chair, he charged at Yarslov.  "We will END THIS NOW!!"

*****

Far away, the Emperor blinked.

DOCTOR?  DID YOU HEAR SOMETHING?

"Ah, no, your Majesty," Dr. Pfischer answered quietly.

GOOD.  AT LAST, THAT ACCURSED PLEDGE DRIVE HAS ENDED, AND THE SEASON SEVEN 
MARATHON IS ABOUT TO BEGIN.  I WOULD HATE TO BE INTERRUPTED, IF YOU UNDERSTAND 
WHAT I MEAN.

"Of course, Majesty.  I'll leave now."

AND DOCTOR?  IF YOU ARE GOING OUT TO FORMULATE SOME NEW MAD PLAN OF YOURS...IF 
IT HAS EVEN THE SMALLEST POTENTIAL, ONE HUNDRETH OF A TENTH OF A PERCENT OF A 
CHANCE THAT IT MIGHT INTERFERE WITH MY WATCHING OF RED DWARF...WELL, IF YOU WISH 
TO KEEP YOUR EPIDERMIS INTACT, DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IMPLEMENTING IT.

The mad doctor slowly backed away until he was out of the throne room, bowing 
briefly to the Emperor and then taking off in a rather undignified run.  The 
Emperor settled back in his throne (well, a makeshift throne of packing crates), 
and propped his feet up on his new footstool.

Dark Queen Irradiance fumed.  It was such humiliation, to be bound, gagged, and 
used as furniture!  She, who had once commanded an entire kingdom, had servants 
waiting on her hand and foot, had ice cream in every conceivable flavor, gallon 
upon gallon of it brought to her at her beck and call...

Or had she?  There was something wrong with those memories, almost as if she had 
seen them somewhere else, or dreamed them, rather than living them.  Was she 
Queen Radiance?  Or Dark Queen Irradiance?  Or someone else?

A thought, unbidden, rose up from the depths of her mind.  *I miss Ikea-
oniichan.  I wanna go home...*  It was quickly squashed by her rage at her 
current situation.  She had to escape.  She wanted revenge.  She needed ice 
cream.

And she really, really hated having to listen to the Emperor sing the Red Dwarf 
theme song during the ending credits of each episode.

*****

While the battle between Yarslov and Ikea raged on, the group in the hole had 
attempted to work together and find a means of escape (emphasis on the 
"attempted").  After one too many speeches from Hugh about the importance of 
escape routes to the ancient Hungabungians, Shelly had threatened to toss Hugh 
back into the flamethrower.  That had shut him up fairly quickly.  Now the gals 
were trying to make their own escape plan, but they weren't having much luck at 
all.  If Shelly had access to her desks, they could have made a big pile and 
climbed to freedom.  Or Joanie could have snagged something with the cord of her 
chandelier and used that to swing out.  But without their furniture, they were 
stuck and pretty much out of ideas.

"By the way, Shelly," Joanie asked, looking over at the ice cream maker, "don't 
you think that the machine over there just might actually *be* a vortex?"

"Don't be silly.  It's obviously an ice cream maker.  Why else would they label 
it?" Shelly answered.

"Then why would they go to all the trouble of setting up all these traps?"  
Joanie insisted.

"Whoever it was obviously didn't want to share their ice cream, silly!"  Shelly 
replied impatiently.  "Now let's go.  Don't you want to help Yarslov?"  She was 
a bit surprised that she'd actually said that.

Joanie blushed.  "Yeah," she admitted quietly.

Shelly frowned, and tried to convince herself that what she was feeling was 
anger that Joanie could even consider having feelings for such an idiotic dorky 
jerk.  Certainly, she herself never would.  Ever.  Really.  She meant it!

Joanie had mentioned something about Yarslov fighting with a pool cue - what 
exactly was he doing with her dad's weapon, anyway?  Not that she was worried 
about her father, either.  For all she cared, they could both go take a flying 
leap somewhere...oh, that was what had gotten her into this situation, hadn't 
it?  Well, she'd find her own way out.  She didn't need any help from them!  She 
took a bold step forward...

...and narrowly missed having her head smashed in by a bowling ball attached to 
a wire.

"Shelly!" Joanie hissed.  "What were you doing?"

"I was just thinking about a few things," Shelly said.

"You look like you were about ready to rip someone's spleen out," Joanie stated, 
looking quite puzzled.

"I'm sorry," Shelly replied.  She really hadn't meant to get angry at her 
friend.

Joanie shot her a concerned look.  "Do you want to talk about it?" she softly 
asked.

"I don't know.  I just want to get out of here first!" Shelly cried.

Joanie glanced around the room.  There was the ice cream maker, Hugh babbling 
incessantly to himself, and...

"Shelly!  Look at that guy!" Joanie exclaimed, pointing to Harry.

He was still scooting himself around the room, squeaking as he went along.

"What?  I don't see anything special about him," Shelly began, rather confused.  
"He seems rather weird, actually."

"Look," Joanie explained.  "He's going all over the place, but he hasn't set off 
a single trap.  We can barely go two steps without hitting one."

"So if we follow him, we'll be able to find the way out?"  Shelly asked, not 
entirely believing it.

"Yes!" Joanie cried happily.

"Then how come he hasn't gotten out of here already?" Shelly pointed out.

"Oh..."  Joanie answered, deflated.

*****

"Keep it up, DiMario!"  Marlo shouted to his new partner.  "Marlo can't slow 
down for nobody, ya know?!  Gotta find that jabroni Ikea so Marlo can..."

"I know, I know.  'Lay the smack down on his rooty-poo candy ass.'  You've said 
it enough times already," Leonardo replied, rather peeved.  "You could at least 
give me a hand with this."  He motioned to the bed he had been carrying, which 
he had set down to take a brief break.

"Hey, Marlo always keeps his word," Marlo answered defensively.  "You said you 
wanted your beds, I got you one."

"I didn't mean you should get me one right now!"  Leonardo complained loudly.  
"I meant for you to get me one when we have to fight!  Now I have to lug this 
blasted thing around."

Marlo shrugged.  "You didn't specify," he stated plainly.  Now pick it up; we've 
got some work to do!"  He turned around and started walking.

Leonardo glared at Marlo's retreating form, then picked the bed up and hurried 
after him as best he could.

*****

Deep in the hallways of the Ottoman Empire, there was a plain, dull corridor.  
If one were to walk down said corridor, one would see only a simple doorway 
marked "Janitor," with a sign underneath it reading, "This is just an ordinary 
broom closet.  There is no top secret meeting discussing how to overthrow the 
Ottoman Empire (and Marlo) and restore Queen Radiance to her rightful place 
going on in here."

Inside, of course, was the meeting on how to overthrow the Ottoman Empire (and 
Marlo) and restore Queen Radiance to her rightful place.  Dr. Shockwave sat on 
an overturned bucket, with Yoshi and Tony flanking him, leaning against the 
walls.  They were speaking to a strange masked man.

"Sirs, I come to give you my aid," the man said.  "You may call me Allan.  Ethan 
Allen.  I am the head of the recently-formed Furniture Underground ResIstance 
Organization, or FURIO for short."

"I see..." the doctor mused.  "And exactly what does your resistance 
organization do?"

"Well...mostly, we just sit around and complain about how we don't have our 
furniture anymore.  Oh, and we play bridge.  It's a little hard to do without a 
table, but we manage suitably."  He grinned proudly.

"I...see..." Shockwave repeated.  "Well, thank you for your time, and..."

"We'll have our people call your people," Tony finished smoothly.  He ushered 
Ethan out and shut the door behind him.  "Huh.  Who knew finding a brave band 
of rebels to overthrow a corrupt empire would be so hard?  I mean, in all the 
books I've ever read and movies I've ever watched, all you have to do is whisper 
the word 'rebellion' and a whole resistance band of mismatched-yet-very-skilled 
fighters just drops into your lap."

Yoshi would have sweatdropped at that, were he not too bishounen for matters of 
that sort.

"Well, if we cannot find a group of rebels, we will just have to take matters 
into our own hands!" Shockwave exclaimed.  "We will destroy the empire 
ourselves!"  Tony and Yoshi looked at him oddly.  "Oh, did I just say 'destroy?'  
That doesn't sound good at all, does it?  It has more of an evil sound to it, 
eh?  Well, what I meant to say was that we will reclaim the glory that is 
rightfully Queen Radiance's!"

"And to do that, we need fighters.  Furniture would be nice too..." Yoshi 
stated.

"So we're back to square one," Tony glumly added.

Just then, there was a knock at the door...

*****

A few minutes ago...

*****

"We've been searching for hours, and we're still nowhere near finding this 
Doctor Shortwave!" Rebecca yelled in frustration.

"That's Mindshock, dear," Fifi corrected.  "And it's so very unbecoming when you 
throw a temper tantrum like that."

"And why would I care what *you* think?  Do you have a better idea on how to 
find him?"  Rebecca asked hotly.

"Well, we could knock on doors, and ask people if they've seen him," Fifi 
suggested.

"That's got to be the *dumbest* idea I've ever heard!" Rebecca disgustedly 
exclaimed.

Fifi, undaunted, walked up to the nearest door. It was labeled "Janitor," and 
also had the oddest sign on it about some sort of secret meeting not taking 
place there.  With a glare at Rebecca, she knocked.

*****

"Come in," Doctor Shockwave answered.

Rebecca and Fifi stepped in.  Rebecca looked oddly puzzled, and Fifi seemed very 
smug.

"Doctor Microwave, I presume?" Fifi asked.

"That's Shocktreatment!" Rebecca shouted.

"Actually, he's Doctor Shockwave," Yoshi added, helpfully.

"Whatever," Fifi and Rebecca chorused.

"Why do you seek me?" Shockwave inquired, trying to seem dignified and imposing.  
The effect was quickly lost when he bent forward, eyes lit up like those of a 
child on Christmas morning, and asked, "Are you here to help us overthrow the 
Empire and help Queen Radiance, huh, are you, are you?"

"Um, actually, we're just looking for the Flaming Avagadro of Doom so we can get 
our furniture back," Rebecca explained.

Shockwave looked as if he had just opened the biggest and shiniest present to 
find that it contained socks.  Fifi, not wanting to make the nice man feel too 
sad, quickly added, "But Queen Radiance was the one who told us to look for it 
and you."

Shockwave became overjoyed, Tony was startled, and Yoshi looked...like he 
always did.  "You mean you've actually spoken to the Queen?!" Shockwave cried in 
sheer delight.  "Then we haven't a moment to waste!  Come, come!"  He jumped up, 
opened the door, and raced out.  The four remaining in the closet exchanged 
glances, shrugged, then followed him out.  Tony paused to grab the sign from the 
door before he left.

A few minutes later, a woman slowly walked down the hallway and approached the 
closet door.  She knocked on it, waited a few moments for an answer, knocked 
again, waited again, and finally gave up.

"Oh dear," Queen Radiance stated.  "I was so sure I would find them all here.  I 
just remembered that I needed to tell them something very important."

*****

Meanwhile, back at the hole, the furniture was flying.  Well, it was only a 
simple wooden chair and a pool cue, but you get the idea.

Yarslov had finally decided to go on the offensive. It was more than evident 
that not only was Ikea not his usual stoic self, but he seemed downright pissed 
at the world and determined to take it out on Yarslov.  Unfortunately, Yarslov 
was doing about as well at attacking as he had been at defending: pretty darn 
badly.  Ikea had dodged almost all of his rather wild swings and delivered a few 
good chair whacks in return.  Now, tired, bruised, and with an aching head, 
Yarslov tried to consider the situation.

"I can't do this, man," Yarslov thought.  "This is way too much."

Surprisingly, he heard Mick answer.  "Do it for Sheila, mate.  She's down there 
waiting for your help."

"Really?" Yarslov thought back.

"Well, probably not, but it makes a nice sentiment and all, doncha think?" Mick 
asked.  "Anyhow, try this..."  And suddenly it all became clear to Yarslov.

Gripping the cue firmly in middle with his right hand, he raised it high above 
his head.  He began to spin it, faster and faster until it became nothing but a 
blur.  Concentrating his ki in the cue, he raced towards Ikea.

"SPINNING CUE FIRE, OR SOMETHING!"

Ikea was caught totally off guard, the blow felling him completely.  He 
collapsed, dropping his chair.

"Whoa...I did it!  I won!  I beat...Ikea!  Dude, are you okay?"  Yarslov set 
down the cue and bent over to check on his friend.  "I know that wasn't the most 
righteous thing to do to an amigo, but...did it work?"

"Yarslov..." Ikea began.  "You have restored my honor..."  He smirked.  "Not!" 
In one swift motion, he snagged his chair and used it to flip Yarslov to the 
ground.  He stood up, and with a maniacal glint in his eyes, held the chair to 
Yarslov's throat.  "And now, surfer dude, you die."

Yarslov closed his eyes, and waited for the chair to descend.  After a minute, 
he realized that nothing had happened, and opened them.  Ikea was still standing 
over him.  A fine sweat had broken out on his forehead.

"I must kill you...No!  What am I doing?  Yarslov?" Ikea dropped the chair and 
began sobbing again.  "Yarslov!  Buddy!  I'm so sorry!  I'm such a terrible, 
horrible, awful person!"  He reached down to help Yarslov up, then gave him a 
big hug and began weeping on his shoulder.

Yarslov succeeded in disentangling himself from his friend.  "Ikea, man, chill," 
he answered, trying to keep Ikea from hugging him again.  I'll try to help you, 
but..."

"Found ya, jabroni!" Marlo yelled triumphantly as he made his entrance, twirling 
a pair of endtables.  "Marlo's gonna enroll you in the Smackdown Academy.  If ya 
smell..."

Marlo's catchphrase was interrupted by another voice.  "Hah!  We meet again, 
swine!" Leonardo exclaimed, staggering into the room, still carrying his bed.  
He paused for a moment to catch his breath.  "You will pay for what you did to 
mia bella!"

"Oh, no.  Not those dudes again.  Majorly unfroody," Yarslov groaned.

He was interrupted by a voice from the hole.  "That's right!"  Shelly cried.  
"I'd forgotten about what you did to me!  When I get out of here, you jerk, 
you're gonna be very sorry!"

"Actually," Joanie yelled back.  "He didn't do anything to you!  It was all a 
big misunderstanding!  He explained it all to me."

"Oh, sure, take his side!" Shelly answered.

"Cara mia!" Leonardo ran over to the hole.  "I swear that after I defeat this 
ignorant fool, I will rescue you!"

Marlo put his fingers in his mouth, and whistled sharply.  Everyone above ground 
turned his head to look at him.  The people in the hole looked up in his general 
direction.  "Ahem!  You buncha losers are interrupting Marlo's lesson!" he 
cried, eyes blazing.  "Nobody, but nobody, makes Marlo look bad.  And now, 
chair-boy..."

"Hey!  Stop arguing for a second and throw something down to get us out of 
here!" Joanie yelled at Marlo.

Marlo laughed.  "Name one good reason why Marlo should bother with you.  But 
Marlo'll throw something down to you...Ikea's sorry ass!" he taunted. With that, 
he grabbed a bookshelf from FurnitureSpace and rushed at Ikea.

Leonardo turned his attention away from the group trapped down the hole and back 
to Yarslov.  Picking up his bed, he advanced towards him.  "You cannot be 
forgiven for causing such emotional pain to such a lovely woman!" he exclaimed 
furiously.

Thus, the fast and furious four-way furniture fighting began.  There was much 
swinging, dodging, dashing, smacking, jabbing, and blocking.  It all seemed 
to run into a single blur of wildly-moving furniture, until, with a vicious blow 
from an armoire, Marlo disarmed Ikea.  Ikea's chair flew into the air in a 
graceful arc and began falling towards the hole.

"Incoming!" Joanie screamed as she and Shelly tried to take cover.  Hugh took 
one look at the rapidly-descending chair, covered his head, and cowered.  Harry 
squeaked in alarm and got out of the way.

The symbol Queen Radiance had instructed Ikea to put on his chair began to glow, 
as the chair made impact with the ice cream maker, hitting it solidly.

The machine began to pulse with light and made a strange rumbling sound.  The 
combatants above stopped fighting for a moment and crowded around the hole.

"This is not good..."  Shelly stated.

*****

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN A FURNITURE VORTEX IS STRUCK BY (gasp) FURNITURE?
WHAT IS QUEEN RADIANCE'S IMPORTANT NEWS?
WILL DARK QUEEN IRRADIANCE EVER GET FREE?
WHO IS ETHAN ALLAN, REALLY?
WILL LISTER EVER GET KOCHANSKI TO FALL FOR HIM?  (sorry, couldn't resist)

Find out in...

FURNITURE WARRIORS!

THRILLS!  CHILLS!  SPILLS!  FURNITURE!

Coming Soon: Episode Twenty-Five: Me, My Shelf, and I

To be written by the most honorable Delfina!  Wai!

*****

Author's Notes:

My apologies for this being a bit late.

Well, hopefully everybody finds this episode funny, and not too dumb.  ^_^  It 
didn't turn out exactly how I expected, but I'm beginning to think that's the 
way it is for most Impro writers.

Thanks to W4 for prereading this, Twoflower for starting this whole crazy 
thing, and Jake Wallace for being understanding about extensions.

You know, there was something else I wanted to say here, but I forget what it is 
now.  I'll probably remember later.  It was more than likely not very important.  
^_^

See you in FF:F and Do-Gooders!

Kate, writer of not one, but two, Episode 24s! ^_~