Furniture Warriors PART 25 - Me, My Shelf, and I Or Lumi-chan finally gets some ice cream (Formerly) A Spoof Chase Production NOW An ImproFanfic Production (http://pixelscapes.com/improfanfic) The Furniture Warriors ImproFanfic was originally created by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne This episode by Delfina, a girl who likes to mallet, I mean, write, and stuff like that. Or something. But malleting is way up there. (All characters copyright Nihana-san, obviously. If I ever even considered claiming that these were my own characters I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where I'd be forced to eat my mallet in order to survive.) ***** What hath transpired... Ikea and Yarslov fought, despite the Swedish surfer's protests, and Ikea d- isplayed more mood swings than a ... barroom door. The Emperor sent Dr. Pfischer away so he could watch the Red Dwarf season seven marathon, and L- umi-chan - err... Dark Queen Irradiance, his captive, was forced to listen to him sing the Red Dwarf theme song at the end of every episode. Meanwhile, Shelly and Joanie plotted on how to get out of their current pr- edicament, since the guys above weren't helping them out very well. Shelly experienced pangs of jealousy over Yarslov, and Joanie noticed that the gibbering Harry could bounce everywhere and yet had not set off a single trap. Hugh merely stayed out of the way after being threatened to be thrown back into the flamethrower. In the Janitor's closet, also known as the 'this is just an ordinary broom closet. There is no top secret meeting discussing how to overthrow the Ot- toman Empire (and Marlo) and restore Queen Radiance to her rightful place going on in here,' a top secret meeting discussing how to overthrow the Ott- oman Empire (and Marlo) and restore Queen Radiance to her rightful place was going on. The meeting consisted of Dr. Shockwave, Tony, Yoshi, and Ethan Allen, head of FURIO (Furniture Underground ResIstance Organization). Ethan Allen shared with us that his group's greatest accomplishments consisted of complaining and playing bridge. He was escorted out rather quickly. Fifi and Rebecca, having joined together for a brief while, happened upon the Janitor's closet, aka the 'This is just an ordinary...' Okay, I think you get the picture. Anyways, they tell Dr. Shockwave they're in search of the Flaming Guacamole of Doom! He seems rather disappointed at first, but when he learns that Queen Radiance herself shared this with them, he's a happy camper. Leaving, presumably to find the Flaming Guacamole of Doom!, they just miss Queen Radiance. Yarslov defeats Ikea, just to have him go into another spaz attack. Just as they started to bond again - Marlo and Leonardo DiMario show up. Joanie and Shelly are still in the hole with the Furniture Vortex... "Incoming!" Joanie screamed as she and Shelly tried to take cover. Hugh took one look at the rapidly descending chair, covered his head, and cowered. Harry squeaked in alarm and got out of the way. The symbol Queen Radiance had instructed Ikea to put on his chair began to glow, as the chair made impact with the ice cream maker, hitting it solidly. The machine began to pulse with light and made a strange rumbling sound. The combatants above stopped fighting for a moment and crowded around the hole. "This is not good..." Shelly stated. And that brings us to... ***** The machine started to shudder and glow. The inhabitants of the hole were pressed as far against the wall as they could possibly get. "Dudettes! Are you, like, all right down there?" Yarslov shouted, looking over the edge of the hole. "You idiot! Get us OUT of here!" Shelly shouted. "My chair! It's gone! Now all has been taken from me! What kind of Furn- iture Warrior am I?!" Ikea did not appear to be taking this well. Neither was Marlo. "Marlo does not like his lesson being interrupted. I will now beat your roody candy ass into tiny pieces, Chair-boy. How would you like that, huh huh huh?" Reaching into FurnitureSpace to pull out some implement of destruction, the most peculiar expression came over his face. "What the hell is going on here? How come I can't access FurnitureSpace?" Leonardo blinked. "What do you mean you can't access FurnitureSpace?" "DON'T EVER QUESTION THE MARLO!" "Fine, but I want my bed back. It disappeared, along with the rest of your furniture." "..." ***** Fifi, Rebecca, Tony, and Yoshi followed Dr. Shockwave as he sped through the halls of the palace. He was bouncing along rather cheerfully and was humming a merry tune. "Soon, Queen Radiance will be restored! Now, to find the Flaming Guacam- ole..." A slight tremor went through the floors, causing the party to pause. Reb- ecca looked slightly nervous. "Did you feel that?" Fifi crept closer to Rebecca. "No, of course not. Let's hurry and find that Flaming stuff of Doom, shall we?" Yoshi raised his hand to stop her. "No, wait...I think there was something. It felt like a big explosion." Dr. Shockwave looked puzzled. "This area of the world isn't known for having earthquakes, the only thing that could have caused that sort of sensation is an unstable vortex. Either that, or one of the forces of evil that we must kill! *ahem* I mean, eliminate, no that doesn't sound right, how about put out of commission?..." Tony's attention was caught by one particular item in his monologue. "An... unstable vortex?" Dr. Shockwave nodded. "Why yes. Hm.. if the Furniture Vortex has gone bad... then..." "FURNITURE vortex?" Fifi cried. "You mean there's one in this building some- where?" Grabbing Dr. Shockwave, she began to shake him. "Where is it?!" "AHHHH!!!" screamed Dr. Shockwave. Yoshi finally took pity on him and pulled Fifi off. "Dr. Shockwave, what is the Furniture Vortex?" Straightening his clothing out, he explained. "It is what controls the access between us and FurnitureSpace. The reason why there is currently no access to FurnitureSpace, except for a few people, is because the vortex has been turned off. Now, if it's unstable like I fear, anything could happen." "Anything?" Rebecca asked sarcastically. "Give us a few examples." "Well, people will get random access to FurnitureSpace, and furniture will be sucked in again, randomly. We must go get the Flaming Guacamole of Doom in order to fix this, it could prove most inconvenient if certain persons were to regain access to FurnitureSpace." Turning on his heel he started off again, the rest exchanging quick glances, but nevertheless following along. ***** Dr. Pfischer felt the small quake as well. Wondering what it was, he stopped calculating his newest plot to regain the glory of the Ottoman Empire (as well as keep his head) for a moment. "Let's see what could have caused that. Ikea did go off of the deep end, could that be it? Could he have snapped so hard that he is bringing down the palace upon us? Maybe I should go warn the Emperor..." He looked at his notes, and then thought about what would await him with the Emperor. The Emperor who was currently watching a Red Dwarf marathon. Who had specifically ordered him not to disturb him. He shrugged. It could wait. ***** Dark Queen Irradiance was getting annoyed. She was getting very sick of Red Dwarf, as well. And the Emperor. And she still didn't have any ice cream! Her lightbulbs glowed darkly as she thought of punishments she could bestow upon the Emperor for this. First, she had to get out of these bonds... The Emperor was oblivious. He was happily watching Red Dwarf, and Dr. Pfis- cher was nowhere around to interrupt him with another plan that was doomed to fail. Therefore, he was very astonished when he was hit over the head with a 1500-watt quartz halogen lightbulb. Dark Queen Irradiance looked at the unconscious Emperor in satisfaction. "Now... to find Ikea-oniichan... I mean... get revenge on Ikea-oniichan for stealing my ice cream! And that other warrior." Wrinkling her forehead cutely in thought, she tried to remember his name. "Marlo!" With that, she raised one fist into the air cutely and stalked off. She soon became lost in the labyrinths of the Ottoman Palace. Walking down the corridors, she didn't notice the figure until she bumped into it... ***** Joanie looked curiously at the glowing vortex. Walking towards it, she picked up Ikea's glowing chair. "If they're not going to help us out of here, we're going to have to do it ourselves..." Topside, Marlo was yelling, Leonardo was taunting, Ikea was crying, and Yarslov really wanted to take a nap (and maybe get some advice from the Yarslov Show). Down below, Joanie and Shelly made Hugh and Harry get on the chair, and then climbed on top of them to get out of the hole. "Finally! We're out of there! No thanks to any of you!" Shelly stormed. "Shelly! You're free! Totally froody, dudette." "My chair..." Ikea wailed. "Marlo is going to get down on your ass now!" "Ahh, but without furniture? I fear you are much mistaken. In fact, you're no- thing but a nuisance right now." Leonardo replied, staring directly at Marlo, with a slight grin. Marlo turned in rage to Leonardo. "What did you say to the Chosen One?!" "I do not think I will deign to respond to that," Leonardo said, as he casually pulled his bed from FurnitureSpace and brought it down upon Marlo's head. The 'Chosen One' went down for the count. Leonardo turned to Yarslov. "And now you, you who have soiled the honor of mia bellezza, you will pay." Yarslov started. "What are you calling Shelly, you sleazeball?" Pulling out a cue stick, he readied himself for battle. "All right, you totally unfroody dude - AHH!" Shelly put down the wooden school desk. "I can take care of myself, no thanks to you!" She began to grow a little uncomfortable when she noticed everyone staring at her. "What?!" Joanie looked from the desk, to Shelly, to the desk again. "Shelly - you've got access to FurnitureSpace..." "What? Oh... I do... I do!" She immediately pulled out two dozen more desks and happily piled them all beside her. The rest of the Furniture Warriors look puzzled. "How come we don't have access?" Joanie asked, unsuccessful in her attempts to pull out her chandelier. "Leonardo over there has his beds, Yarslov still has his cue sticks - when did he start using cue sticks anyways? - and Ikea..." Everyone looked at Ikea, who had appeared to lost all semblance of the once proud Furniture Warrior he used to be, and was now openly sobbing in a corner. "Squeak! Squeak!" Harry said, as he scrambled out of the hole, followed by Hugh, who dragged Ikea's chair up after him. Ikea's haunted eyes followed the chair, as Shelly snatched it from Hugh's hands and hesitantly handed it to Ikea. "Ikea... here's your chair..." "My chair... WAI! Thank you my next-next-next-next-next-or-something-cousin Shelly!" he cried, seeming a lot like Lumi-chan at the moment. The group exchanged glances and the general consensus was that if he started demanding ice cream, they would flee. ***** "Ow!!" Dark Queen Irradiance cried cutely. "Lumi-chan, I mean, Dark Queen Irradiance, is hurt!" The figure she had bumped into was rubbing her head. "Dark Queen Irradiance?" She looked into Dark Queen Irradiance's eyes. Dark Queen Irradiance stared back. "Hey! You look like me! Who are you? And more importantly, do you have ice cream?" Queen Radiance smiled. "I was hoping I would find you, Lumi-chan. And yes, I do have some ice cream. Would you come with me?" Dark Queen Irradiance cheered. "Wai! Ice cream! Let's go!" "Very well, follow me, Lumi-chan." Dark Queen Irradiance paused. "But, I'm *not* Lumi-chan! I'm not! I'm *evil*! Evil Dark Queen Irradiance! And you never told me who you were!" "Ah, but you are Lumi-chan. You're just having trouble remembering," Queen Radiance gently took her hand, "Now, let's go find that ice cream." Dark Queen Irradiance looked confused, but at the mention of 'ice cream' her one-track mind focused on that and wouldn't let go. "Yes, let's get Lumi-chan some ice cream..." she mumbled, as she was led away by Queen Radiance. ***** Dr. Pfischer muttered under his breath. "Now, if the Emperor would just let me implement this latest plan... I'm sure it will succeed." Glancing at his watch, he noticed that the Red Dwarf marathon was still running. He pondered. Should he, or shouldn't he. He decided to work on his plan some more. ***** Ikea cradled his chair close to him. "I have you back, now if only I had my little sister and the pride and honor of my dojo again." "Uh, like dude? Are you okay?" Yarslov rubbed his aching head and peered at Ikea's chair. "That thing on your chair is glowing, you know." Ikea smiled beatifically at his friend. "I am at peace, my good friend. Let me commune with my chair for a bit longer." Yarslov glanced at the others, and shrugged. "Well, all right. Don't do anything unfroody, okay?" "No, of course not. I am perfectly fine. Let me be." "Okay, we'll just be uhh, over here." Waving to the others, they filed off to another side of the room to continue their discussions. Ikea remained where he was, touching the symbol with a reverent look. His eyes slowly glazed over, and he slumped forward, as if in a trance. ***** "Did you enjoy your ice cream, Lumi-chan?" Dark Queen Irradiance, no longer looking quite as dark, bounced happily. "Wai, wai, WAI! I loved the ice cream! Thank you, Tsuin-chan!" Queen Radiance nodded. "Now, do you want to see your brother?" "Ikea-oniichan?" She frowned. "I do want to talk to my brother." Not really expecting a negative response, Queen Radiance asked, "Do you want some more ice cream before we go?" "Wai, wai, WAI!" ***** Ikea felt pulled in all directions. There was his cute, but evil sister. His friend, Yarslov. The brothers at the Dojo and Master Oakcraft. The Ot- toman Emperor. Marlo. Shelly. Joanie. Hugh. His head felt as though it were splitting from the waves of pain that came over him. He found himself walking down endless mirrored corridors. He saw multiple images of himself throughout his lifetime. There he was learning the anci- ent art of fighting with furniture with Master Oakcraft and the monks. There! Rescuing Lumi-chan from the ninja. Sparring with Yarslov. Frowning, he wondered why he had turned against his friends. Why he was over- reacting. Memories of the Ottoman Empire flowed into his mind. Realization dawned. "I am not focused enough. I must get in touch with my feelings and control them. This I will do." Bowing his head in concentration, Ikea meditated. **** Yarslov looked concernedly at Ikea. 'I hope he's doing okay.' Mick's voice replied. 'I'm sure he is doing just dandy wandy. He just needs some time alone. That's all.' 'All right. I just don't want to be a bogus friend and, like, leave him there all by himself.' 'You've got other concerns. Take care of that Leonardo DiMario.' 'Oh man, he wants to do bad stuff to Shelly. That's like, totally unfroody.' 'As Marlo would say, lay the smack down on him.' Any further discussion was interrupted by Leonardo. "Pay attention. We are going to fight over this," here he bowed gracefully in Shelly's direction, "Beauteous lady's honor. If I win, she is mine. If you win.. well then she can decide for herself who she prefers. But I know she will choose me." The 'beauteous lady' looked angry. "I can't believe this! I'm not some sort of toy for you to fight over! I can defend my OWN honor, thank you very much!" Joanie sighed a bit, as a trace of romanticism surged forward. "That's so sweet, having two guys fight over you." Shelly looked at her in shock. "What?" Joanie blushed. "I mean, um, nevermind" Looking strangely at her for a moment, Shelly shrugged and picked up a desk, preparing to throw it at Yarslov. Aiming carefully, she let it fly through the air. Yarslov noticed it at the last minute and turned to dodge - but there was no need. Much to Shelly's shock (and Yarslov's relief) the desk vanished in mid flight. "What? Where did it go?" "Whew." "Ah, see, the bella cannot fight on her own, therefore I will fight for her!" Swinging his bed at Yarslov, he smiled as he thought of the victory celebration he would have with Shelly later. Looking at Yarslov's face, he noticed that he was smiling too, and he briefly wondered why. Then he figured out the reason as the momentum from his swing carried him into the wall, his bed having vanished as mysteriously as Shelly's desk. Somewhat frantically, he tried to access Furniture- Space again, only to see Yarslov coming at him with a pool cue. ***** Stay tuned for more Furniture Warriors! In the next episode: Ikea becomes one with his inner self. Leonard gets beaten up by Yarslov. Yarslov gets beaten up by Shelly. Or does he? Will romance happen? Find out in... Part 26! One Nightstand! FURNITURE! ROMANCE! VIOLENCE! EXPLOSIONS! FURNITURE! ROMANCE! ***** Author's Notes - Thanks to my pal, Sir Tificate of Authenti City for the punny title. Tsuin means 'twin'. I just had Lumi-chan call Queen Radiance that 'cuz she doesn't know her name yet. Thanks to ravi, W4, Damien Roc, and Lusipher for prereading. ^_^ Oh, and formatting sucks. :P