W A PART T R W FURNITURE O NINE R T S Y "Bookshelfishing" or "How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Rulebook" (Formerly) A Spoof Chase Production NOW An ImproFanfic Production (http://www.improfanfic.com) A Furniture Warriors ImproFanfic created by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne This Episode by Damien Roc a guy who procrastinates a lot (All characters copyright Nihana-san, obviously. If I ever even considered claiming that these were my own characters I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where I'd be forced to eat my late history papers to survive.) --- What hath come before" -Miss Oeru apparently wears a push-up bra H_H -Yarslov went into a funk -Fifi stole Yoshi's clothes -Rebecca and Tony enlisted Miss Oeru -Marlo started hallucinating -In subsequent parts of the previous chapter, the writer started hallucinating... we can assume only this based on those later events -Joanie declared her undying platonic love for Yarslov, and made plans to marry him and take him far away where they would live happily every after... well, something like that, anyway -Dr. Shockwave demonstrated his new preference of a banana as a weapon -The aforementioned hallucination grew legs and assaulted Ikea... in a warm, fuzzy kind of way -The author of this part missed the deadline for his history paper by 15 minutes --- What ith coming, now: "Stop hugging!" Everything stopped. The various inhabitants of the room turned towards the speaker's voice... Well, except for the Furniture Vortex which continued to hug the somewhat-less-than-implacable Ikea, completely ignoring the speaker. In fact, if one could have gotten into the... "mind" (for lack of a better term) of the Vortex, it would have revealed that, indeed, it did not even REGISTER the speaker. The reasons for this are long and convoluted and would be a spoiler if said here... But don't worry, they might appear later in the episode. maybe. The speaker's mouth opened to speak again, as said speaker drew up to a fuller height. However, the words were stalled as NEW words came in... they came in somewhat fast and they came somewhat loud. They did not come in any hentai sense of the word. They came in the sort of way that would make one think of an odd combination of Wally West or Blurr and Haohmaru. They came something like "WHYDIDN'TYOUTELLMETHATTHISSORTOFTHINGWOULDHAPPENDON'TYOUREALIZETHATTHIS COMPLETELYDESTROYSOURerMYPLANYOUSTUPIDSTUPIDSTUPIDIDIOTISHOULDDEFENSTRATE YOUFORNOTMENTIONINGITESPECIALLYSINCEI'MMISSINGREDDWARFFORTHIS!" And, upon reflection, those words weren't any more understandable to the people able to hear them than to anyone reading them. Dr. Shockwave summed things up eloquently. "Huh?" But, at the very least, the words got the attention of everyone (except for the mobile Vortex, though not for the same reasons alluded to above). Everyone turned to stare at the speaker. It was the Emperor. He was pissed. He was holding a finger out. The finger waved with emotion. The finger did not wave in the direction of anyone previously present in the room. The finger waved at Dr. Pfischer. The reasons for this can be summed up as such: The Emperor had missed some more Red Dwarf (Y'know, I've got to wonder, if the Ottoman Empire is in another dimension, where is it getting the TV signal piped in from?). Something else had gone wrong. He blamed Pfischer for it. --- Meanwhile, Yoshi returned to his normal bishounen nummynummynummyness. Fifi's heart beat .000000001% faster. But that's all beside the point. The were searching for... something having to do with getting back to the Guacamole of Doom so they'd get access to their weapons back. What they found, however, was something else entirely. It was rather serendipitous, actually. Yoshi returned with proper, bishounen-black clothes intact. The pair began to search again for... whatever it was they were searching for. However, as things happened, at the PRECISE MOMENT that the now mobile Vortex hugged Ikea, one of them weird-give-em-a-brief-bit-of-power thingamajigs fell over Yoshi... and he got access to FurnitureSpace back. Yoshi, being the veteran Furniture Warrior that he was, had been attempting, on an almost unconscious level to regain access. So, when access was okay again, his speaker gear popped right out. It was somewhat akin to those people who get access really quickly when the IRC chatroom comes back online, thereby getting Admin access before the real admins show up and annoying everyone while they try and put up their own banal topics... Umm, anyway. The speaker appeared. Yoshi, surprised, did not control it that well. It landed right next to Fifi and blasted with the dial set to 11. It hurt. A lot. It also threw Fifi into the wall. This also hurt. A lot. This caused the wall to buckle. Okay, it didn't hurt quite so much. And, lo, a lot of dust did spew forth and envelope Fifi and Yoshi and thus did they start experiencing respiratory problems. --- Bet you thought I was going to change the scene without getting to the point, didn't you. HA! --- After a few brief moments, the dust cleared, but the respiratory problems persisted because dust has a way of getting down in the lungs and agitating the tissue, as well as getting stuck on the mucus of the sinuses... or something like that, I'm not a biologist, I don't know how these things work. But we'll just edit out the coughs to make this more readable. "Hey *cough* I*wheeze* I've..." Sorry. "Hey I... I've found something," Fifi said. "What i... i... i..." Yoshi stopped and took a deep breath. "What is it? " "It seems to be a b... book." Yoshi paused. Yoshi ted. Yoshi shrugged. "So what? It's not the thing (what that may be) that we're looking for." "But, it looks old. It could be impor... important," Fifi said. "Listen, we don't have the time to go on a tandem chase. " "Hey! If something is important, , then we should well check it out. (besides it could help help me put lingerie on everyone.)" "You , when will you think of the big picture. We're on a timetable here. If we don't get the that we're supposed to, EVERYTHING could be lost. And here you want to look at some old, dusty ." "Don't you give me that . You aren't tell me some . I think we should have a talk and get this out right now." "Oh, blow it out your panties, ." "" And so it goes. Presently, they overcame their coughing fits (anyone who thinks something else was happening is delusional. Honestly) and Fifi managed to get a compromise: they would spend 5 minutes reading the 13000 pages of 5 pt font tome. If nothing was found by then, they'd move on to find the... whatever it was they were supposed to find. Luckily, they didn't have to any further than the second sentence of the first paragraph. They said, in unison. "Oh, ." They kept reading. Fifteen minutes later, they still hadn't moved. "What's the title of this book, again?" "'Thee Ruelles offe thee Furrnichurre Warriorrse Tournie'." "Ah... Volume 5: Special Rules and Appendixes?" "I believe it has a few extra letters, but yes." "And... by this special rule, the power over the furniture could fall to..." "Exactly." "" They looked at each other, narrowed their eyes, hoisted the book up... and due the Prodigious weight of it, s l o w l y made their way back to other people, ing all the way. --- Due to some convoluted reason put down by the author to keep things interesting (we'll call it "time deciding not to move at an equal speed in all places of the Ottoman Empire") not much had happened by the time they reached Ikea et al. In fact, the Emperor had only started his next... string of letters. "YOUKNEWTHISWASGOINGTOHAPPENPFISCHERDIDN'TYOUYOU'VEBEENAGAINSTMEALLALONG HAVEN'TYOU..." Or perhaps the Emperor had been ranting all along, and nobody else had a chance to do anything... we'll never know, now, will we? "Stop! We've got some to tell you people!" Yoshi called, as he and Fifi shuffled into the room. They dropped the tome with a THUD not unlike the sound of Terry Pratchett's Death speaking. Fifi fell across the book with a grateful sigh. Oddly, everyone did stop... well, except for the now-vocal Vortex, which continued to hug the strangely (at least, strangely for now) unemotional Ikea. "We've found out some really bad ," Yoshi panted. "If the tournament doesn't continue within the next..." he glanced at his watch, did some incredibly fast and cool (in a bishounen kind of way) calculations, and continued: "...five or so minutes, the power over FurnitureSpace will be lost to ANYONE present. Not even the Guacamole will help us." Shockwave furrowed his eyebrow. "Wait a moment! Aren't you supposed to be finding parts for my dimension-hopping-machine? You should be punished for... wait, punished sounds evil... well, not punished but at least reprimanded slightly for abandoning that quest." The Emperor had a different thought: "WHO WILL GET _MY_ POWER?" No one took note of the fact he was speaking at normal speed, however, because someone else spoke. "I know exactly who will get that power. And I will never allow that to happen." Everyone turned to face Queen Radiance. "And, since a slight against me personally has happened, I can kill two birds with one stone. Ikea, I challenge you to a duel." Amidst the non-ending hug from the now emotional Vortex, Ikea's eyebrow twitched ever. so. slightly. --- WHATTHEHELLWILLHAPPENNEXTWILLANYONEFIGUREOUTWHATI'MTYPINGHEREWHOWILLGET THEPOWEROFFURNITURESPACEIFTHEREISNTAFIGHTWILLTHEINGSTOPORWILLTHE NEXTAUTHORUSEAONEPARTJOKEBADLYTHEREBYMAKINGITASORRYRUNNINGGAGANDFORCRYING OUTLOUDWILLANYONESAYWHYTHEVORTEXWASIGNORINGTHESPEAKERATTHEBEGINNINGOFTHE PARTWHOIMIGHTADDWASQUEENRADIANCEATLEASTINMYTHINKINGTHATOFOTHERPEOPLEMAY VARYOFFERGOODATPARTICIPATINGLOCATIONSOPERATORSARESTANDINGBYSINCEISHOULD ENDTHISWITHAWHATWILLHAPPENQUESTIONWHATWILLHAPPEN? Find Out Next Time In Furniture Warriors, Part XXX "You Can't Do That On My Loveseat!" or "101 Ecchi Uses for a Halogen Lightbulb" --- Author's Note. Okay, this is the result of having about 5 days pent up frustration from tons of end-of-the-semester schoolwork, a slight bout of the flu, and missing the one-day-late deadline for a history paper (causing it to be two days late.) I wrote this in about 4 hours, and I've got to say, I'm pretty happy with it... When I sat down, I had no idea what to do, and most of this I came up with on the fly. I should be signing up again, at some point. FW's a blast to write... once you get down to writing it. This part was somewhat preread by John Evans, Yu-Mei, and Woofer. Now... on to the Party. -Damien Roc Water Dragon Productions www.whyweb.com/damienroc/