A new day had dawned bright and clear, and across Tokyo students were, by various means - gentle coaxing, bodily force, or bribery with sweet, sweet blueberry muffins - removed from their beds. One by one they reluctantly left their homes and trudged toward school, and apart from a few exceptions were not at all eager for the day ahead. Most of them kept their heads down as they made their way along the sidewalk, still somewhat drowsy, and so didn't notice the small bird flitting above them. It was a sleek and brightly-colored thing, of a species rarely seen in Japan; its absence would soon be noted by a group of Peruvian bird-smugglers working out of the nearby chiropractic salon, but by then it would be far too late. The Amazonian Vermillion-Crested Mangrove Warbler had been released into Japan's fragile ecology, and would soon discover that it had a hitherto unknown talent for scooping fish out of small ponds. Unaware of the havoc it would wreak among the local koi habitats, it landed on a windowsill, groomed itself briefly, then took in a deep breath and prepared to greet the new day. "Skree-!" Its call was cut short as a hand snapped out between the bars of the window, grabbing the Warbler and swiftly pulling it into the Arkaham Home for the Socially Unadjusted and Reality Impaired. Vicious chewing noises soon followed. These events have very little to do with this story. Rather more pertinent, in fact, was the petite figure skipping toward school some few blocks away. She was one of those exceptions mentioned in the first paragraph; the thought of going to school made her happy. Most things made her happy, in fact. There wasn't much room in her brain for anything else. Observe her as she trots along, some distance ahead of her companions. Her uniform does not match the beige and blue coloration of the other students, but instead is a plain white fuku, with bright orange highlights that set off her hair nicely. She may not be immediately recognized without her sweatband with the light bulbs tucked into them, but one look into those wide, blue, vacuous eyes would remove all doubt. And she was singing. If you could call it singing. "ICE KUU-RII-MUU!" The words were half-sung, half-shouted as the girl bounced along the sidewalk, swinging her bookbag with every step. "ICE KUU-RII-MUU!" The other students dodged frantically, throwing themselves aside to avoid this bizarre intrusion on their daily lives. A few were too slow, and received a thump to the temple for their troubles. The girl didn't notice - she was having far too much fun to notice little things like that. "ICE KUUUU-RIIIII-MUUUUU!" The girl was having so much fun, in fact, that she didn't notice when the light turned red and she skipped right into the path of an oncoming truck. "ICE KUUU-" *** *** *** FURNITURE WARRIORS X PLUS SIGMA TURBO THALLIUM BATTLE 2002 Written by Brian Stricklin, a man with several wall-scrolls of sexy anime chicks! Rrrrow! (The Furniture Warriors concept is the copyright of Nihana-san, obviously. If I even thought about claiming it was mine, I'd be chained up in a cell and forced to listen to Rush Limbaugh.) *** *** *** CHAPTER IV Cabinet Positions -OR- Pass the Guacamole of Doom to Seki *** *** *** THE STORY SO FAR: After the end of the Great Furniture Warrior Tournament, the good guys won. Yay. Life in the Big Tibetan Furniture Dojo returned to normal, apart from the Reincarnated Lady of Light and Ikea's Main Squeeze, Queen Radiance, taking up residence in the monastery. While not a *bad* idea, this did cause some awkward situations... such as young Brother Seki accidentally catching the Queen in a rather undignified situation. Embarrassed and wrathful, Radiance arranged to have Seki visit Japan as an exchange student... and later sent Lumi-chan as well, just because. Upon arrival in Tokyo, Seki encountered a member of the family he was to live with, Shizuhara Yashiko, who was happy to see him. Real happy. Seki somehow managed to avoid all the passes she threw at him, and the pair eventually arrived at his new school: Hiroto High. It was here that he met Nakajima Kouto, a vicious young bishounen and president of the Student Council. Meaningful Gazes were exchanged. Later, Seki's lunch break was interrupted when an exotic young woman landed on his face. She was soon revealed to be named Vanity, also known as the Rosewood Bride. The submissive girl was chastised severely by Kouto; when Seki saw the brutal punishment, he challenged Kouto to a battle. Many blows were exchanged and many bets were placed, but in the end there was no true victor... except that it was revealed that Kouto, like Seki, was a Furniture Warrior. Gasp! They met again later that day, in the Venerable Ancient Duelist's Arena and Squash Court. Many special attacks were used and many body parts were injured, but in the end there was no true... oh, wait, yes there was. Seki won. Yay. And then Lumi-chan tackled him. This, apparently, knocked him cold, forcing Vanity to use the secret Tonsil-Hockey Healing Technique. And Yashiko wraxed wathful... er, wrathed waxful... er... she got mad. Even more later, Lumi-chan's personal chaos field did bad things to a testing computer, thus assigning her to Seki's class. She and Vanity introduced themselves, and Vanity fainted. Again. As they left the school, one of the Student Council members, Kotaro, challenged Seki to another duel. Would he accept? WOULD HE?! Well, duh. Oh, and some nutball was somehow given superhuman strength when he heard Lumi-chan say 'wai'. Go figure. *** *** *** Once the recap was over, Seki quickly pushed his way through the crowd that surrounded the accident. Already the blare of approaching ambulances could be heard, and his brow furrowed in concern. "Lumi-chan..." He looked at the figure beside him. "...was it really necessary to destroy that vehicle?" The girl poked her index fingers together contritely. "Gomen nasai. Lumi- chan was startled." Seki sighed. "I told you not to stray too far ahead." "But, but Lumi-chan wanted to show everyone her brand new costume!" She twirled happily. "Uniform," he corrected absently. "I don't understand why it isn't the same as the one Yashiko wears, however." "Well, Yashiko-oneechan's mother said I shouldn't wear my novice robes to school, so she gave me this! Wasn't that nice of her?" She twirled again, this time becoming unbalanced in the process and falling on her face, skirt in mid- twirl. There was a brief flash of sky-blue fabric before Lumi-chan recovered, sitting on her knees and bawling her eyes out. "Waaahhhh! Everyone saw Lumi- chan's panties! Now Lumi-chan can never get married!" Though he would be the first to admit he didn't know much about marriage customs in Japan, this seemed odd to Seki. "Why not?" The tears ended as quickly as they began, and Lumi-chan shrugged. "I dunno. That's what Yashiko-oneechan told me." She peered around. "Say, where are Yashiko-oneechan and Vanity-chan, anyway?" Seki stared blankly at her for a moment, then suddenly snatched her up and ran back through the crowd. *** *** *** Yashiko hummed happily to herself as she worked, stacking bits of firewood around Vanity's feet. Tied securely to a lamppost, the dark-skinned girl could do little but look pensive. "Oh, dear," she said plaintively. "None of that, now," Yashiko told her. "You can't say I haven't been fair. I *did* give you a chance to run." "But I cannot leave. I must serve my master." "Yeah, right. You just want to muscle in on my territory. I saw that kiss!" Placing the final log with care, she surveyed her work with pride. "Perfect. Now all I need is a match or a flamethrower or something..." "Yashiko-san!" Seki burst on the scene, Lumi-chan perched on his tarpaulin-covered chair. "What are you doing?" "Big brother!" The girl skipped over to him, then posed cutely with both hands behind her back and chest arched forward. "I have found a witch! May I burn her?" He frowned disapprovingly. "Yashiko-san, I asked you not to threaten Vanity-san again. That thing you did with the waffle iron last night was not nice." "It's okay," she assured him. "This isn't a threat: it's a punishment. Got a match?" "Lumi-chan does!" The red-haired girl hopped to the ground, producing a butane lighter and holding it out. "Fire is pretty!" "No fire!" Seki grabbed the lighter before Yashiko could reach it. "Yashiko-san, I don't really understand Vanity-san's situation, but there's not much point in rescuing her from Kouto if you're going to treat her badly as well." "Good point. So send her back!" "No." He untied Vanity, who fainted from the sudden rush of blood to her extremities; Seki was used to this by now, however, and scooped his chair under her before she fell. "As a student of the Big Tibetan Furniture Dojo," he continued, not missing a beat, "it is my sworn duty to protect the weak." Yashiko frowned, but couldn't find a loophole that would keep Seki's oath from including Vanity. "All right, big brother. If you say so." A familiar bell rung in the distance, temporarily removing all thoughts of vengeance from her mind. "We'd better get going; if we don't hurry we'll be late, and you don't want to see what Kumayama does to late students." The four students hurried - or in one instance was carried - toward school, paying no heed to the squat white-painted building with the barred windows as they passed by. *** *** *** Nodding to the large and muscular orderlies outside, the doctor hesitated only briefly before opening the heavily reinforced door. He paused, but nothing happened; this caused him to smile to himself. Perhaps the new prescription was working after all. As he cautiously peered inside, he saw his patient calmly sitting in the corner of the cell, a threadbare blanket wrapped around his shoulders. This was the only concession to comfort in the room; there was no other furniture present. The person who... registered this patient at Arkaham had been quite specific about that. There was something different about the room, though. Something he couldn't quite put his finger on... Ah, well. "Good morning," the doctor said brightly, moving into the room fully. "And how are we feeling today?" The tall, gangly man grinned in response, chuckling to himself. "Heheh... heheheheh..." He lifted his head, gazing into the doctor's eyes. "Wai." Momentarily taken aback, the doctor stared at his patient. "I... indeed." He made a note on his clipboard. "That's... good to hear. At least it's a change from your usual-" "BloodgorecarnagedeathdestructionWAI!" He chortled, gazing at something only he could see. "Wai." "...ah. Well, it's a small step." He made another note. "So... how are you feeling?" "Wai." "I... see. Anything you'd like to talk about?" "Wai!" The doctor nodded. "You know, this is commendable progress. I'm sure your sister will be pleased." "HaterendshreddismembermentwaiwaiWAI." Making a final note, the doctor stood up. "Well, we'll bring by your lunch and medicine as normal. I-" He stopped, having finally realized what was different. "What's... what's that on your window?" The patient grinned, glancing up at the strip of bloodstained cloth covered with brightly-colored feathers. "Drapes!" "...right. I'll, I'll just remove it, shall I?" He stepped toward the 'drapes'... but his patient's pose shifted infinitesimally, somehow promising certain and gratuitous violence if the doctor took another step. Knowing that he wasn't getting paid nearly enough to take such a risk, the doctor backed off. "...or perhaps we'll leave it there," he decided. "Nice colors are very therapeutic, after all." "I am Mister Sunshine," his patient agreed solemnly. "Wonk wonk wonk." "Yes. Well. See you tomorrow, then." As the doctor made his escape, the patient glanced again at the cloth that hid his night's work. Soon, he would be free. Soon. *** *** *** One of the benefits of being a Student Council member was that you didn't have to attend classes if you didn't feel like it. Nobody was sure why this was, but it had been the case for years, and you don't question tradition. So it was, therefore, while Seki and his female companions were being taught trigonometry by the neurotic and mildly insane Okamura-sensei, Kobayashi Ijima sat in the Council's private meeting room, writing in a large, well-worn notebook. She'd thought up an interesting twist for the ending of 'Othello', and wanted the Drama Club (of which she was president) to make it their next production. Oh, they'd complain - at first - but in the end they'd see things her way. They always did. She tapped her notes thoughtfully, absently playing with a lock of her sapphire-blue hair as she considered the final scene. Brilliant, if she did say so herself... but where would she get such a large quantity of sea anemone? Suddenly she frowned. "You're in my light, Kouto-kun." "I have more news from the End of the Rug," he announced, sitting in the chair next to her. "Really." Her voice indicated her complete and total enthusiasm about this information... only not. "What happened to your body cast, anyway?" "Never mind that," Kouto replied dismissively. "This is more important. It turns out that our new friend Seki came from the Big Tibetan Furniture Dojo." "...and?" "*And*, if our sources are correct, the Dojo is somehow connected to... the Severed Time." Ijima glanced up, and he nodded. "Yes, the Severed Time... that brief period two years ago when we lost all access to Furniture Space." "I *know* what it is," she replied crossly. "Why are you explaining it to me." He ignored this. "If his Dojo was responsible for the Severed Time, just think what might happen if he gains full control of the Rosewood Bride! All that we've been working toward will be as nothing." Ijima paused. As much as she hated to admit it, Kouto had a point. Each of the four members of the Council possessed unique control over the interdimensional plane known as Furniture Space; losing this ability would be annoying, to say the least. "All right. But what are we to do about it? Kotaro-kun should be able to defeat him. At least, he seems confident about it. Ohoho." Kouto shook his head. "I underestimated Seki. The Way he uses is ancient, dating back thousands of years. They have trained all that time to defeat..." He paused dramatically. "...the Ottoman Empire." "Oh, *them*." She leaned back in her chair, her expression one of disdain. "I know Benma trained with them, but they weren't exactly difficult to deal with. You *do* remember that we sent their envoy packing when he tried to recruit us for their little tournament?" "And when was that?" he prompted. "Two years ago, shortly before the..." She stopped and stared at him. Kouto nodded. "The Severed Time." For the first time in her life, Ijima was at a loss for words. *** *** *** The morning passed relatively uneventfully, and in due course the teachers grudgingly released their charges so that they could feed. As soon as the lunch bell rang, Lumi-chan was out the door and halfway to the cafeteria, there to claim anything that looked yummy. She was fated to be sadly disappointed. Seki, on the other hand, had no need to worry about where his lunch was coming from. As she had for the two days previous days, Yashiko presented him with a carefully-prepared lunchbox that would choke a water buffalo. Fortunately, Seki was not an ungulate of any kind, and had a robust appetite now that he had the chance to sample something more flavorful than the bland fare at the Dojo. As Yashiko watched on starry-eyed, the young Furniture Warrior inhaled his lunch in record time. "Mmmm... thank you for the lunch, Yashiko-san." "*Anything* for you, big brother," she crooned. Seki wiped his mouth with a napkin, then spotted another bento with his name on it next to the empty carton. "Seconds? I don't think I should overindulge before a match... well, I suppose a little wouldn't hurt." Yashiko peered at the lunchbox as he picked it up. "Hey... *I* didn't make that." He blinked. "Then who-?" "I made it, master," Vanity said, kneeling across from Seki with her hands in her lap. "It is my duty to provide my master with food, and anything else he may desire. I hope my unworthy gift is to your liking, Seki-sama." She leaned forward, pressing her forehead to the ground in obesciance. A pair of passing male students behind her suddenly walked into a tree. Seki looked down at her sadly. "Vanity-kun, I'm not your master." "You are," she assured him. "By the rules of the school, you are my master until you are defeated in battle. For now, I am yours, to do with as you will." "I don't-" Seki's sentence went unfinished, however, as a bristling Yashiko abruptly stood up and yanked Vanity to her feet. "All right, you. We need to get a few things straightened out." "Yashiko-kun..." Seki began. "Don't worry, big brother. I won't hurt her. We're just going to have a little... chat. You know. Girl talk." Before Seki could rise to his feet, Yashiko had pulled Vanity away, heading toward the nearest girl's restroom. Uncertain, but unable to do anything about the situation, Seki ate the lunch Vanity had prepared. As he ate the last pickled plum, he felt a new presence behind him. Quickly he rose, his hand reaching for his chair. "Calm yourself, Shizuhara," Kouto said, leaning against the tree with his eyes closed. "I'm not here to fight you." "Then why are you here?" Seki demanded. "And my name is not Shizuhara." "I want to know about the Tournament." The transfer student hesitated. "What Tournament?" Kouto chuckled. "There's no need to be coy. I know that your Dojo participated in a Tournament hosted by the Ottoman Empire. That Furniture Warriors from all over the world were invited. And that the representative from your school was the victor. I even know, if my sources are to be believed, that guacamole was involved." He opened one eye. "Am I right?" Seki relaxed, but only slightly. "You're remarkably well-informed, Nakajima-sempai." "What I don't know," the Council President continued, "is what happened *during* the Tournament." He pushed away from the tree and stalked closer. "You see, something happened in that time that interfered with Furniture Space. Oh, you thought I didn't make that connection? Now, I want to know what happened... and if your Dojo was responsible." "My Dojo?!" Kouto smirked at him. "You see, one way to win a fight is to remove an opponent's weapons. Perhaps this 'Ikea' disabled Furniture Space to ensure his own victory." Filled with anger, Seki clenched his fists. "Ikea would never do something like that! He's an honorable warrior!" "How can you be so sure?" "Because I know what-" He stopped in the face of Kouto's face, which sported a satisfied smile. "Because what, Seki? Because you know what really happened? Why don't you tell me?" Seki glared at him in frustration. "First tell me about the 'Rosewood Bride'." Kouto regarded his rival for a moment, then shrugged. "I suppose that's fair enough, though I can only tell you so much. Know, then, that the Rosewood Bride is part of an ancient tradition, reaching all the way back to Junior High. All four members of the Student Council belong to families that have trained in The Way for generations. In the past they had feuded, but before we were born they reached a truce. An agreement was reached; their children would be trained, and when they came of age, the most skilled warrior would found a school and lead the four families into a new age. "We trained and fought constantly, by whatever twisted methods our parents could devise. Ambushes during dinner, ninja at bedtime, throwing us into pits of feral cats... it was rigorous, but we learned. Of course, such a life did take its toll, and by the time we finished elementary school, the whole thing had become rather boring. To regain our interest, our parents gave us Vanity; the strongest fighter would also gain her as their plaything." "That's sick," Seki proclaimed. Kouto shrugged. "Perhaps, but what can you do? Parents are strange." "What about her special healing ability?" "Ah, now *that*... is a secret." The Council president smiled at him. "Now, tell me about Furniture Space. Give and take, after all." Seki fumed, but Kouto had a point; he'd agreed to explain. Or had he? No matter. "If you must know... I will admit that it was a member of our Dojo that activated the Furniture Vortex. As I understand it, it removed all furniture from the sub-dimension the Tournament was in, and also closed off Furniture Space itself. However, it was an accident... and it wasn't Ikea." "Oh, really? Then who was it?" "Brother Seki!" Lumi-chan suddenly bounded onto the scene. "Brother Seki, they didn't have anything yummy! I asked and I asked and I asked and I asked until they ran away screaming, but they wouldn't give me tasty treats!" Kouto raised an eyebrow. "And who's this? Another follower, Seki?" She raised her hand cheerfully. "My name is Lumi-chan! Age: fifteen years! Blood type: B! Hobbies: ice cream and cute things!" "Actually," Seki added hesitantly, "this is the person who activated the Furniture Vortex." "Did not!" Lumi-chan protested. "It was an ice cream maker! But it didn't give me any ice cream!" "That's because it wasn't an ice cream maker." "Was so. It had a sign and everything." A laugh interrupted their discussion. "Really, Seki! You couldn't come up with a better lie than that?" "A true warrior does not lie, Nakajima-sempai." Lumi-chan peered at Kouto. "Brother Seki, who's this? Why does he look like a girl?" The bishounen ignored this, but stepped closer with faint interest. "How fascinating. Another transfer student?" An idea seemed to come to him, and he hooked a finger under Lumi-chan's chin. "Well, Seki, you've stolen one of my possessions. It's only fair that I take one of yours." "Huh?" said Seki. "Huh?" said Lumi-chan. Then Kouto kissed her. *** *** *** Long, fragile moments passed. Seki stared, too shocked to actually do anything. Of course, somewhere in the back of his mind he realized that Lumi- chan was, well, a *girl*, but the thought of anyone actually... someone finding her... that anyone would... well, she was *Lumi-chan*, and that was that. Finally the kiss ended, and Kouto smiled down at his latest conquest. "Well, how was that, my dear? Did you enjoy it?" There was no response. Lumi-chan seemed paralyzed by what had just happened. The Council president chuckled. "My, my. I take it you want to remember this moment forever. Perhaps we could retire to a handy closet, and... where are you going?" Lumi-chan had finally begun to move, turning and walking away from Kouto very slowly. Not a single sound had she made since Kouto's lips had touched hers. Kouto watched her walk away, still smirking. "Ah, well. It takes some girls like that, the first time. She'll be back." Finding his voice, Seki glared at Kouto. "You had no right to do that." "No? She's not your girlfriend, is she?" Again Seki's brain skipped a groove at that concept. "No, but-" "Then I shall do as I please. If you're quite finished..." He paused, frowning. "*Now* what's she doing?" Lumi-chan had stopped, standing absolutely motionless about fifty feet away. Knowing that she was a bundle of frenzied energy at the calmest times, this sight disturbed Seki greatly. Something had to be seriously wrong! Then she turned around, and he saw the one thing in her eyes that he never thought he'd see. Anger. And sadness. And embarrassment. Okay. Anger, sadness, embarrassment, and just a smidgeon of righteous fury. "KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Lumi-chan was suddenly an orange and white blur, rushing toward a startled Kouto. Brilliant ki energy flared around her, whipped into strands by the streaming wind. As she reached Kouto, she produced a long fluorescent bulb from Furniture Space, which immediately began to glow brightly when it was exposed to her incandescent aura. The bulb hummed through the air, slamming into Kouto in a way that, had George Lucas seen it, would have inspired the Kenobi/Vader battle in Episode III. When the bulb finally broke, Lumi-chan leapt up, planted both feet in Kouto's face, then jumped backwards in a high arc. Energy-saving halogen light bulbs appeared in her hands, and she seemed to hover briefly as she hurled them down at the battered bishounen. "WONDERFUL LIGHTBULB BARRAGE!" Seki shielded his eyes from the resulting explosions, which left Kouto at the bottom of a sizeable crater. Lumi-chan landed, then turned and ran away, tears streaming down her cheeks. "WAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!" "Lumi-chan!" He hesitated, glancing at Kouto's smouldering form, then hurried after her. *** *** *** "WAAAAAAH!" "Lumi-ch-" "WAAAAAAHH!" "Lu-" "WAAAAAAAAH!" "" "WAAAAAAAAHH!" Seki had finally caught up with her when she realized that she would be able to cry better if she didn't expend her oxygen while running. She was still creating quite a scene, and passers-by glared at Seki in case he was the cause of the irritating wail. "Lumi-chan," he tried, "please stop crying." "Lumi-chan can't," she sobbed. "He stole Lumi-chan's First Kiss!" Seki stared at her, again realizing he was in unfamiliar territory. "...is that bad?" "I... *sniffle* I think so. Yashiko-oneechan says that a girl's First Kiss is the most important thing ever ever EVER! Lumi-chan will never get another chance! Lumi-chan's life is RUINED!" "Don't worry," he said, posing heroically. "I shall avenge your honor, and defeat Kouto in-" "Wai! Puppies!" Seki, after picking himself up from a facefault, looked up to see his young charge plastered against the window of a nearby pet store, giggling happily. There were, indeed, puppies. "Um... Lumi-chan? Are you all right now?" Reluctantly tearing her gaze away from the window - literally, her face having gently adhered to the glass - she stared at him with incomprehension. "Hai! Why wouldn't I be?" "Er... because Kouto kissed you?" "Whaaat?!" Tears began to form again. "Somebody took Lumi-chan's First Kiss?! Who was it? Oh, poor Lumi-chan! I won't ever get to-" "Puppies," Seki interjected, pointing. "Wai! Puppies!" As Lumi-chan gazed lovingly at the pups, Seki rubbed his chin thoughtfully. Finally he reached out and knocked inquisitively on the girl's noggin. She giggled, batting at his hand. "Quit it, Brother Seki! That tickles!" "Hmm," he hmmed. "Perhaps it was such a monumental event that her short- term memory couldn't handle it. The distraction probably wiped it clean away." Lumi-chan looked up at him quizzically. "What's that, Brother Seki?" With a mental shrug, he filed the thought away in the 'Probably Not Important' file. "I said let's get back. The lunch hour should be over soon." "Hai!" *** *** *** At long last the school day was over, and Seki made his way to the Venerable Ancient Duelist's Arena and Squash Court. There was apparently an elevator to the top floor, but he hadn't yet been able to find it. Instead, he was forced to climb up an exterior stairwell which, in certain violation of numerous building codes, did not include a handrail. The fact that the Arena was next to the Music Building, and he had to listen to the Vocalist Club practice their hip-hop new wave chanting, only made things worse. Finally he reached the top, and found the arena packed with students once again. They cheered wildly as he approached the center of the room, where Vanity was waiting in a frilly green dress. She bowed as he stopped nearby. "Good luck, Seki-sama." He opened his mouth to protest, but let it slide this time. "Where is my opponent?" "Why, right here, Shizuhara-kun." The voice seemed to come from the air around Seki. The air before him shimmered, then Kotaro stepped out of Furniture Space, his smile enigmatic as he regarded his opponent. Though Seki's attention was focused straight ahead, he heard a voice behind him. "HAAAAA... hiDOOOi! That staircase is too, too long for Lumi-chan!" "Now you are here," Kotaro said, ignoring Lumi-chan's protest. "And now we shall battle." He twirled a computer mouse absently, the plastic peripheral buzzing through the air. "Brother Seki! What are you doing?" "Before we fight, tell me this: what do you intend to do with Vanity-kun if you win?" "Hey! Brother Seki!" Kotaro laughed. "Isn't it obvious? I've spent my whole life training with computers. I haven't had any kind of social life, especially where women are concerned. I would think my intentions are obvious." "Hey! Heyheyhey! Why aren't you listening?!" "You don't mean...?!" "C'mon! Please pay attention to Lumi-chan! Pleeeeeease!" "Precisely! When she is mine, I'll always have someone... to play games with over my LAN! I'll be able to crush her in WarDaft 3 whenever I want! I'll drag her to the deepest depths of El Diablo Dos: Senor De La Destruccion! I'll get infinite frags in Surreal Tournament! I'll be the l33t3st of the l33t!" "Listen to Lumi-chan! C'mon, listen! I need validation!" "You fiend!" Seki unwrapped his chair. "I swear I won't let you put her through such torments!" "So you say," Kotaro replied smugly. "But it takes more than words to defeat the heir of the Kompaqqu Ryu dynasty! My ancestors did secret, terrible things with a simple abacus and stylus; imagine how much more powerful we've become in the Computer Age!" He made a magician's pass with one hand; CDs suddenly appeared between his fingers, ready to throw. "Prepare yourself!" *** *** *** In the next exciting chapter of FURNITURE WARRIORS X ET CETERA ET CETERA: WILL Seki prevail against the dimension-walking Kotaro and his deadly computer equipment? WILL Lumi-chan remember what happened to her for more than five seconds? CAN Yashiko keep from strangling Vanity? DOES anyone care about the plot? Find out next time in Chapter Five: Rigor Mortise! *** *** *** AUTHOR'S NOTE: Okay, just to get this out of the way: the loony guy is *not* Marlo. Okay? Marlo isn't even from the same dimension. Just thought I'd make that clear in case someone got a bright idea. ^_^; I'm a bit surprised I've managed to finish this on time, given my RL situation at the moment. Let's just say goofy doesn't come easily to me right now. Still, I did everything I set out to do, which is always good; I hate it when I have to cut bits out to get a story in on time. Oh, and just a side note; I *did* do a bit of research, and as far as I can tell from Japanese beliefs, Lumi-chan's blood type really would be B. It's based on a 1916 medical report linking blood type to personality; look it up and see for yourself. Ain't those Japanese just wacky? Here's hoping the next queue isn't quite so filled with skips...