Subject: Contro Jack part Date: Sun, 15 Nov 1998 18:58:07 -0600 From: "Ash." To: twoflowr@pixelscapes.com here's my jack chapter. if there's any problems, email me at Ash.@iname.com --------------------------------------------------------------------- CONTROVERSIAL JACK AND THE FALL OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION A Fan Art HQ / Spoof Chase Production Part : Sing-Along by Ash. (Controversial Jack Created by Yves Belanger) WARNING : This fic contains material that may be considered offensive and/or cotroversial to certain groups. Consumption of a mixed suicided consisting of Coke, Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, 7-UP, Sprite, Orange Crush, and Barq's Root Beer may clear things up. Or, not. Whatever the case may be. ========================================================= The guitar plays. A pair of strong, yet very feminine hands ply at the strings of the guitar. Made of fine wood, it (the guitar), was plated with even finer silver. One hand strums the strings, and no pick is used to do so. The other makes the chords. The guitar plays. It plays a deep classical piece, that tells of men, and horses and struggles. A deft change of chording, and it tells of birds in flight, with wings that flap, bills that caw, talons that grasp and rend, and of eyes that see. Of eyes that see. The birds are flying. The birds fly about, in their dances known only to them. Some swoop down, and briefly, fly into a small aviary. They fly in, and they fly out. They fly about in the aviary, and sing the songs that only other birds know the true meaning of. The birds are flying. In the center of the aviary is a single perch. Upon that perch, is mounted a single rubber chicken. In the midst of the music and the flight, birds sing their songs to the chicken. The chicken listens. The birds leave. The birds are flying. The guitar plays. A woman enters the aviary. With fiery red hair that could almost be a wig, she walks. A woman, and yet, something of a child about her. Approaching the chicken, she begins to skip around the the perch. This goes on for some time. Coming to a stop, she looks at the chicken, and speaks a single sentence; "what do the birds say, mister chicken?" The guitar plays. Nodding, she skips about the perch again. When her revolutions are complete, she quietly exits, as quietly as she came. The guitar plays. The guitar stops. The player sets down her guitar, and waits for her companion to stop. Five minutes later, the red-haired one's sugar buzz died down enough for her to say something comprehensible. "'Ro-chan, our eternal enemy, the Duck has manuoevered his pawn, the controversial one, into a seat of power. Great woe may befall us all if he is not stopped." she said, her eyes rotating at unusual angles in the sockets. 'Ro-chan let out a sigh of relief, as the red-haired one had not decided to do her usual 'Exorcist head spin' today. "That's nice, ann. But what can we do about it?" ann blinked several times in a very kawaii manner, and tilted her head to the side several times. Finally, she said, "I don't know. I suppose I shall have to ask Mr. Chicken." She promptly thereafter broke out in a extremely kawaii song, and skipped back into the aviary. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * "But Jack, you had a press conference half an hour ago!" cried Anne Lysias, sister of the president. "I don't care! I have some new ideas I want to share with my country." said Jack as he went about selecting a King Kong tie to wear. "Why is there a giant lizard wearing a suit and sunglasses waving at me?" "Huh!?" said Anne, looking in the direction that Jack had pointed to, and saw.... nothing at all. Zero, zip, zilch, nada, nothing. Shaking her head, she clenched her fists and said, "Jack, you have been speaking with the counselor, haven't you?" "Why? I'm perfectly fine. In fact Mr. Duck saw that Lizard, didn't you Mr. Duck?" said Jack, motioning to the vice president, who sat perched on a nearby desk. Mr. Duck, on the other hand, said nothing, as he was deep in thought over the recent events that had occured. Then again, being a rubber bath toy, he may have just sat there. "Hmmmmm....." hmmmmed Jack, a thoughtful finger upon his chin. "Oh well, are the reporters here yet? I'm ready to go." Anne silently grit her teeth, while a throbbing vein grew larger and larger upon her heavy brow. "..." * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Twenty minutes later, after late arriving reporters were stuffed into the press room, Jack took to the podium. After straightening his tie, checking to make sure the vice president was safely perched on his shoulder, and making that annoying squealing sound with the microphone, he began to speak. "Thank you for coming here on such short notice. I have a few new proclamations for you to share with the country. First of all, all members of the female sex must wear 'Hello Kitty' underpants!" Jack pulled out a pair of the item in question to show to the reporters. Shock and outrage ran throughout the throng, doing a little pickpocketing and purse-snatching all the while. Finally, one reporter stood up. "Mr. President, what is the meaning of this?" Smiling, Jack replied, "Well, this is part of a deal that I have made with the SANRIO consortium to deal with the growing threat of Barney and Hanson. Basically American women wear the item in question, and two growing forces of evil are taken down with extreme predjudice." Natrually, there was much rejoicing upon hearing this, as many had gone insane or had been lost to those forces of unspeakable evil. SQUEAK. The forcefullness of the vice president's statement quickly brought down a blanket of silence over the reporters. Search parties would be searching for strays days later. "To make sure that this mandate is upheld, members of the fairer sex will wear skirts, and inspectors will be appointed to check. But enough of that for now. For years I've heard unending cries about the IRS. Most of them were not very nice. But I have a solution. Starting tomorrow, IRS hunting season starts. Hunters will be permitted to bag five head a month, and bounties will be awarded for certain agents who were a bit too productive and others that will be picked at ramdom." A resounding cry of "YAY!!!!!" filled the room. Jack began to grin an even wider grin than before. He cackled inwardly, knowing that his next statement would be amongst his most cntroversial. "News Media hunting season starts in three days." * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * JUST WHAT IS GOING HERE? WHY ARE THERE EVEN MORE PEOPLE AFTER JACK? WILL JACK FINALLY BE LYNCHED FOR WHAT HE JUST SAID? WILL HE BE DECLARED A HERO? WHY IS JACK SEEING A GIANT LIZARD IN A SUIT? TUNE IN NEXT WEEK TO FIND OUT!!!!!!!