A land of innocence has no need for gods. Until fate intervenes... When people pray, a god is always born, able to change eternity. That god is you. [Who, me?] Yes. [Spiffy.] -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Improfanfic presents... JACK & WHITE a Chibi starter of biblical proportions by Brian Stricklin Book I: Dawn of Controversy -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- As the giant hand swooped down in a blaze of light, plucking the child out of the sea and away from certain doom, the villagers gasped in amazement. They hugged their son tightly when he was safe, then bowed reverently to the hand and the light that hovered above it. "Oh, thank you, Holy One! You saved our boy!" [What? No, I was aiming for the sharks. Them's mighty good eatin' with a bit of lemon juice.] "Our people will want to worship you! Please, come to our village!" [Worship? Thanks for the thought, but getting praised by a bunch of disease-ridden peasants just isn't my thing...] "Follow us, Holy One!" [Hey! Hel-LO! Are you listening to me? What the hell... they're just running off. HEY! Get back here, you grimy little... crap. I'm all alone. Just me and my big disembodied hand, without even an ass to scratch. Wish there was someone to explain all this...] Without warning, a pair of small figures materialized. One was a small bald man, with a rainbow-tinged beared, floating on a cloud. The other was a stereotypical red-eyed demon. "Greetings, Holy One!" the man chirped. "We're yer conscience!" continued the demon. [Uh...] "Good..." "...and Evil." [Guys?] "Yin and yang." "Black and-" [HOLD IT!] They stopped, looking toward him in confusion. [Let me get this straight. I get pulled down here - wherever the hell *here* is - and save some little brat from starring in Jaws 4, and because of that I've got you two stinking shoulder angels now?] The demon blinked. "Uh..." "Well..." The two figures exchanged glances, then the robed man shrugged. "I suppose that's one way to put it." [Shyeeeeaaah. Ya know what?] Suddenly a large bus, the word 'Lamers' painted on the side, fell from the sky, crushing baldy beneath its frame while letting out a loud *BEEEEEEEEEEP!* [UH-UH! Boring! Cliche! Please drive through.] The demon seemed to approve. "Way to go, Boss! Now we can really cause some h-GURK!" [Unrelenting evil? Please. That's almost as bad as perfect goodness.] The disembodied hand squeezed the demon briefly. [Now. I want an explanation, you glob of demonic lard, and I want it pronto.] The pudgy demon squirmed helplessly. "Hey, it's like the Big Narrative Voice said, Boss! You're a god! Ultimate power, and stuff like that!" [Yeah, right. One minute I'm in my office working out the specifics of the next Ranma/Sagat match and building a paper-mache replica of my butt, and the next I get pulled through a special effects sequence - which, admittedly, looked like it cost a hell of a lot of money - and end up here.] "Geez. I dunno what ta tell ya, Boss," the demon admitted. "I dunno where gods come from." [Anyway, I've *been* God before. Okay, only a fraction thereof, but I know what it feels like, and this ain't it.] "It's the belief. The more people believe in you, the more powerful ya get. Right now it's just those three villagers that went runnin' off, but they'll tell their friends, and you'll get stronger." There was a pause. [Okay. I can understand that. It's like the ultimate pyramid scheme. Better than Avis, anyway. Well, thanks for the info. Now... could you do me a favor?] "Sure thing." [Wear this.] A frilly dress appeared upon the demon, as well as a red button that proclaimed 'Ask me about my two-for-one special!' He plucked at the dress. "What the..." A large meaty hand tapped his shoulder. "'Scuze me." He turned around to see about twenty husky sailors standing over him, their eyes gleaming with hunger. "We'd like ta know about the special, please." The horror of realization rose in the demon, and he screamed in panic as the sailors carried him away. [What a putz. Okay, let's see here...] "Uh... Holy One?" The villagers had returned, watching him bashfully. "You're, um, trailing behind..." [Just had some managerial issues to take care of... oh. Right. You can't hear me, can you? Well, we can fix that...] As the villagers watched in astonishment, the glowing light that had been hovering above them slowly descended to the earth, then exploded in a flash of color. When they could see once more, their god stood before them. The red, spiky hair. The rumpled clothes. The neon green 'Kiss me, I'm psychotic' tie. The small yellow toy duck perched on his shoulder. Most of all, the rather disturbing grin. Here, quite clearly, was a man not of Eden. "That's more like it," he said with satisfaction, then beamed at the peasants. "How are you gentlemen!!" The villagers hesitated, then the little boy said, "What he say?" "You have no chance to...! Ehn, forget it. It's getting old. Anyway. You may commence the grovelling, my loyal peons, for Controversial Jack has deigned to walk amongst you!" -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- After a short period of travel (during what might otherwise have been a boring lecture on the ways of godliness and a demonstration on using the mouse), Jack found himself standing in a collossal temple, its floor crafted of reflective marble and the ceiling at least two hundred feet up. Intricate carvings covered every surface, and a huge velvet-lined throne rested against the opposite wall. Jack Lysias surveyed his new home and nodded. "Not bad. Not bad at all. Especially considering that you yokels live in a bunch of grass huts. But hey, priviledges of rank." He jumped onto the throne, the move not so much as budging the duck on Jack's shoulder, and sat down. "Okalee-dokalee. Send in the lapdancers!" The was much confused muttering amongst the collected villagers, and finally one burly man stepped forward. "Oi. You don't look like much of a god ta me, ye twit. Why should we worship you?" A bolt of lightning leapt from Jack's outstretched hand and grounded itself in the peasant, who fell into a twitching heap. A moment later, the words 'Gain 32 belief' rose into the air. "Cool," Jack decided. "Any other questions?" There was a rapid shaking of heads. "Beat it, then. There's godly stuff to do." After the villagers had left, Jack looked around. "I gotta admit, Mr. Duck, this place is the shiznit. But.... I dunno, it feels like there's something missing." *Squeak.* "Well, yeah... now that you mention it, this *would* make an awesome racquetball court." *Squeak squeak!* "Oh, those two losers? Yeah, you might be right. They did seem to be trying to tell me stuff. But this is *me* we're talking about. I transcend that whole good/evil crap." He considered, then snapped his fingers. "What I need," he decided, "is a conscience all my own. The controversial side - that'll be you..." *Squeak.* "You're welcome. And opposite the forces of controversy will be the mind-numbingly dull forces of normalcy!" *Squeak?* "No, not Normal Jack, or even Debatable Joe. I have a bit more self- respect than that. No, there's only one person that'll do." He held up his hand for a moment, palm skyward, and concentrated. A vertical lavender-blue portal, about three inches tall, opened in the fabric of space, and an equally small young woman fell out of it, landing in his palm with a jolt. "Ow! What the hell...?" She looked up and further up at the huge face grinning down at her, and her blood ran cold. "...oh, SHIT!" "Hello, Anne," he crooned. "Wanna be my conscience?" If it were possible, Anne Lysias' eyes would have grown even wider. Instead, she leapt for the portal in a blind panic; unfortunately, Jack closed it instantly, and she collided with his thumb instead. "J-Jack! What the hell did you do *this* time?!" "Be proud of me, sis!" he beamed. "I'm a god!" Her expression turned from fear to annoyance. "What, *again*? Damn, for a minute there I was really worried." Jack seemed a bit peeved at her reaction, but let it slide. "Well, Mr. Duck suggested I needed someone as the other half of my conscience, and who's always been there by my side, trying to tell me what to do?" The toy seemed almost apologetic. *Squeak...* "Gee, thanks a lot, Mr. Duck," Anne said sourly. "I guess I don't have much choice. *Someone's* gotta try to keep you in line, Jack. But promise you'll at least *listen* to my suggestions?" He patted her tiny little head. "Of course I will, sis. How else will I decide what not to do? Now," he added, tossing her carelessly over his shoulder, "I think I'll go out and do a little godding. Time to make the commandments!" His body flashed, and he turned back into a hovering light, which zipped out of the temple. Moments later, a rather nonplussed Anne followed, her own flight capabilities discovered just before she'd hit the ground. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- As the sun set behind him, Jack posed dramatically atop the village's storehouse. "Number Three Hundred and Ninety Two: Thou shalt construct a sacred catapult and fling a consecrated emu over my temple on the second Thursday of each month. The damn things are birds - one of 'em is bound to remember how to fly sooner or later..." A villager stepped forward and raised his hand. "Uh... your Holiness?" "Yes, puny mortal?" "We couldn't find any lapdancers, yer Lordship. They keep getting et by the sheep. There do be someonehere to see ya, though." Rather than waiting to be introduced, a slender and buxom woman pushed through the crowd, distinguished from the other villagers by her dark skin and white hair. If not for the slight skin disease, Jack decided, she would almost be a babe. She looked him over, and clearly didn't approve of what she saw. "So, you're the god that our ancient prophecy spoke of?" Jack knew nothing of any prophecy, but didn't let this stop him. "Yep, that's me. 'A galaxy long ago, blah blah blah, the One True God, blah blah blah, land flowing with milk and harp seal patties.' Who're you?" The woman hesitated, then bowed. "My name is Sable," she said, "and I am a Creature trainer." "Creature...?" He peered at her. "Aren't you a little *old* for that kind of thing?" "What?" "You monster trainers are all supposed to be young and genki, and you're *really* gonna need some skin lotion before you pass as either of those. And where's your annoyingly cute little sidekick? Can't be much of a trainer if you don't even-" "I think she's talking about a kind of divine servant," Anne explained invisibly from his shoulder. "It'll grow to a huge size and can be trained to do just about anything." "Really? Nifty." He looked back at Sable. "So, you're gonna give me one of these things, I take it?" She smirked at him. "Not so fast, O Pointy-Haired one. First, I challenge you to open yonder giant doors. Once you assemble the three-" *FATAKOOOOOOM!* Another lightning bolt, this one as thick as a tree trunk, blasted forth from Jack's fingertip. It struck the gate, which quickly buckled and fell open under the assault, and a piece of falling timber crushed an unlucky sheep. ('Gain 67 belief') "..." Sable looked at the destruction, then glowered up at him. "You were supposed to activate the Gold Story Scroll first." "Is that what these things are for?" Jack opened an interdimensional storage space - numerous scrolls poked out. "You're saving them? Why?" He stared at her. "Why do you think? These losers haven't invented paper yet. Hell, they haven't even invented flush toilets. I have no intention of wiping with rocks when I do my business." "It's not so bad," one of the villagers offered, "once you get used to it." Jack shuddered. "Anyway," he said finally, "let's go see these Creatures." -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- "This is *it*?" Jack paced in front of the thirty-foot Creatures, scowling. "These are all my choices?" "Well, you didn't load the bonus CD, did you?" He looked at Sable sharply. "What?" "Uh... nothing, your Holiness. They are all quite powerful, though." "Hmph." He glared at the three beasts, who pleaded with him to be chosen. "Well, we'll get rid of the damn heifer, first of all. I'm not putting up with 'Holy cow!' jokes for the rest of this story." He reached out, his giant Hand of Godliness appearing briefly, and flicked the cow to the horizon. Sable sweatdropped. "So shall it be the ape or the tiger?" Jack considered his options for a moment; the two Creatures, having seen the fate of the divine bovine, strived to look as helpful and loyal as possible. Finally he came to a decision, and stepped forward toward one of them. Sable nodded in approval. "You're choosing the tiger, then?" "The tiger... ah, yes. The tiger." He reached up and scratched the huge creature under the chin. "Sleek, deadly, and quick, pure poetry in motion. Truly the obvious choice." "The tiger it is, then." Anne, knowing Jack better than the Creature trainer, just shook her head. "Here we go..." Jack turned toward the dark-skinned woman with a nasty grin. "Sable? Babe? I just said 'ob-vi-ous'." His phantasmal hand appeared again, picking up the tiger by the scruff of the neck. "And if there's one think Controversial Jack ain't," he finished, "is obvious." *FLING!* "MMMRRRRROOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!" Annoyed, Sable crossed her arms. "It's getting late, Holy One. Let's just collect your ape and head back to the temple." "Yeah, we could do that," he admitted, "but then I'd be buying into the whole 'Planet of the Apes' racial conflict, and hey, who am *I* to defy the philosophy of Charlton Heston?" The hand appeared again, and Jack ignored the simian's desperate pleas. "Get your butt moving, you damn dirty ape!" *FLICK!* "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK!" The Creature trainer was stunned. "You've thrown all of them out to sea," she said. "Yep." "But... that means you don't have a Creature." He grinned at her. "That's okay. I'm going to bring in my own." Anne rubbed her forehead. "Don't tell me. It's a duck, right?" "Give me *some* credit. No, it's going to be... a cat." "A cat?" Sable blinked in surprise. "A cat?" "Yep. A cute little kitten... who just happens to look damn good in a fuku." He waved his hand theatrically... Suddenly in the middle of the grove, a magenta-haired young woman appeared, seeming to be in mid-sentence. "...for asking, Morrigan-san, but I don't really want to see your etchings... ano?" She cast around, then smiled as she saw the god. "Jack-san!" "Hey, Nuku Nuku! You're gonna be my Creature, okay?" "Ara?" She blinked in confusion. "I'm your pet?" "Close enough. If you're good, you get petted, and if you're bad, you get a spanking." Her eyes grew wide, and her hands flew protectively to the back of her miniskirt. "Really?!" "Yep. So be good." He smirked. "But not *too* good." "Eh?" "Skip it." He looked over at Sable, who had quickly hidden the leashes she had brought with her. "So, what happens now?" She shrugged. "Train your Creature, and learn the ways of the world." "She's right, Jack," Anne commented. "If you're a god, you'll want to get more believers and become more powerful, and to do that you'll need some more experience." He peered at her. "How do you know all this?" "Hey, I'm your sister. Sisters know everything." "Fair enough." He thought about this. "Okay, we'll do a little levelling up here. After that, though..." The hairs on the back of Anne's neck began to rise. "After that?" Controversial Jack grinned. "Well, if I *am* a god, the whole gamut of multiversal powers should be open to me. Y'know, I never *did* get to enjoy the godhead when I had it. And I'm due a vacation." He pointed toward the sunset. "Okay, Team Controversy! Let's move out!" Nuku Nuku hopped gleefully. "Yosh!" Sable shook her head. "Fool." Anne sighed. "Whatever." Mr. Duck just... sat there. *Squeak!* And lo, the universe did sweatdrop. = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is the first chibi I've written, a rather odd idea that came to me while looking over some Black & White links. Excellent game, by the way - I heartily recommend it. Still, I don't see this story staying in B&W-land for the entire run. I sublty added (*coughBLATANTLYHAMMEREDINcough*) a way to go into other realms, most likely other games and suchlike. Hey, it's chibi - we don't need no stinkin' plot! And now, the pun I just couldn't work in: "Hey, that woman just gave birth to a FULLY CLOTHED KID!" "So?" "Well, it's just that I've never seen a woman who had a womb with a loom before..." Vote for me! For ME! And stuff.