In the beginning, there was the planet. And it was good. And then, there was God. Sort of. And He was Controversial.... **************************** ImproFanfic Presents JACK AND WHITE A Chibi-Theological Monstrosity Created By Brian Strickland **************************** Book 2: Help Me, Jebus by Matt Pascal **************************** It was a beautiful day in the pastoral world of....well, wherever it was. The sun was shining, the air smelled like warm root beer, the villagers were happy, and Anne Lysias....was very, _very_ stressed. Her brother, Controversial Jack, was currently God (again). And He was nowhere to be found. This was a bad thing in Anne's book. And so, the three-inch tall flying conscience was flitting here and there throughout the village, looking for God. "JACK! JAAAAAACK! DAMMIT, WHERE ARE YOU?!! JA-- Nuku Nuku!" Anne came to a stop in front of the magenta-haired android. "Nuku Nuku, have you seen Jack anywhere?" "Ano...." Nuku Nuku scratched her head for a moment, thinking hard. "No, Anne, I haven't seen Jack-san anywhere. Sorry...." "That's OK." And so, Anne kept on looking for her brother, up until the point that she heard a loud *CRACK* and a piercing squeal come from a field outside of the village. "Only my brother could possibly hope to come up with something involving those sounds...." she muttered as she zipped off at high speeds. **************************** Ahh, baseball. Across the world, there is nothing quite like the crack of the bat and the smell of the grass underfoot to warm people's spirits and bring them together. Which, quite frankly, was probably why Controversial Jack disliked the sport so much. "Y'see, Mr. Duck, normally, it's just so....so...." *Squeak?* "Exactly. It's boring! A bunch of guys running around bases after hitting a ball with a chunk of wood. Where's the fun?" *Squeak.* "True, running around and stuffing hot dogs up the mascot's nose before kicking him off the dugout roof does add some excitement to the game. But more importantly, where's the controversy?! Everyone likes baseball! Now, though, I think we can improve the game a bit. OK, guys, play ball!" With that, the red-haired deity pulled on a football helmet and moved into the umpire's position. "Um....Holy One, sir?" One of the natives nervously approached Jack. "Yes, oh loyal subject?" "We've been playing for the past hour." "Well, then," Jack grinned insanely, "what's the problem? Keep playing ball!" "But, uh, sir, the seal is....well, smelly, sir. And, well...." Jack looked over to where the boy was pointing. The land had no baseballs, but a round rock worked just as well for that purpose. However, Jack had devised a rather unique solution to the distinct lack of baseball bats. There, lying on the ground was a baby seal. Multiple impacts with the previously mentioned rock, though, had left it in a, shall we say, less than pristine condition. "Hmmm...." The Controversial Deity mused. "That is indeed a disturbing development. What to do, what to do. What do you think, Mr. Duck?" *Squeak.* "Good call!" "Uh, sir, if you don't mind me asking," the rather confused native asked his god, "what exactly did His Holiness say?" "He pointed out, my faithful peon, that there's always more where that came from!" With a mighty sweep of Jack's arms, a new baby seal was summoned into existence, rather confused and having no hint of its immediate fate. ('Gain 37 belief') "OK, then. Get to it!" With a mildly- rousing cheer, the group of adolescents grabbed the creature and resumed the game. It was at this point that Anne finally found her brother. "Jack, there you are. I was--" Anne turned her head, distracted by the cheers coming from the field. Her jaw dropped as she gasped in shock. "What the HELL?!" "Heya, sis!" Jack grinned at his three-inch high sister. "Whazzup?!" "That's what I want to know!" She gasped. "What are you teaching them!" "Baseball! I was trying to teach 'em pro wrestling, but we had to stop after the third broken leg. Honestly, these kids are a lot weaker than I was at their age." "That's not baseball!" "Well, we had to improvise a bit, I admit. For one thing, we couldn't find a rock that was pointy enough." "All right, Jack, the rock for a ball, I can sort of understand," Anne admitted. "But the baby seal?!" "Well, there seem to be a distinct lack of baseball bats in the area, you know?" "Jack....there is a whole FOREST around this village. Couldn't you just blast a tree to make a bat?" "Anne, Anne, Anne. This is a whole new world. We ought to protect the environment, not ruin it!" "....And you do that by using baby seals to hit rocks." "Hey, whatever works." "JAAACK-SAAAN!!!!" Jack, Anne, and Mr. Duck all turned to see Nuku Nuku approaching at subsonic velocities. (1) "Huh? What is it, Nuku Nuku?" Jack queried. "Back at the village! A fire!!!" "Oooh! Fire!" Jack clapped his hands in glee. "Now all we need is some marshmallows, some chocolate, and a few graham crackers, and we'll be all set!" Everyone sweatdropped at this announcement from their deity. "Little brother, I do need to point something out to you here," Anne began. "Really? What?" "Well, if there's a fire, that means people are probably going to die. And if they die, you get less powerful." "Oh, dang. You're right. Keep playing guys, until....until something happens!" Jack called out to the youths, then turned back to the others. "Well, Team Controversy, let's go!" With that, the deity, His consciences, and His avatar all disappeared in a flash of neon green and magenta light ('Gain 42 belief.') (1)To quote RpM: "[s]ub-sonic is, technically, slower than sound. Therefore, technically, a dead snail could be moving at sub-sonic speeds. There would be better ways to describe exactly how fast [it] was running on that day, but none would sound quite as neat as 'sub-sonic'." **************************** "Wow....it's so pretty...." Anne stared disbelievingly at her little brother as he gazed at the flames. "Jack. That is the storehouse. As in, where your worshippers keep all of their supplies. As in..." "I get it, I get it. Hmm...." Jack snapped his fingers. Out of nowhere, a giant foot dropped out of the sky and stomped the flames out before disappearing. "There! Fire gone, problem solved, worship me." "Ano....Jack-san?" "Yeah, Nuku Nuku?" "The storehouse...." The god looked over at where the foot had been. The flames had been put out, true, but the storehouse was now noticably flatter and possessed a distinctly funky odor. "OK, that would be a bad thing." Jack stared at the remnants of the storehouse, using every bit of his controversial power to find some way to save his worshippers. "You stupid god!" Everyone present turned to see a rather angry peasant approaching with a nasty expression on his face. "Our food for the season is destroyed!" "Hey, chill out, big, smelly, and mortal. I'm working on it, OK?" "You...." The man turned bright red. "We need food, you sorry excuse for a deity!!" "Heeey....food, sorry excuse....that's it!" An all-too-familiar grin spread over Jack's face. Anne took one look at him and buried her face in her hands. "Oh, no...." She muttered as Jack waved his arms in wide circles. As one, the villagers shut up and watched him. "I call upon Allah....Buddha....Jebus....ME!!! BECAUSE I AM ONE CONTROVERSIAL GOD, MAN!" Everyone looked around and saw....absolutely nothing. "Ha!" The burly peasant laughed. "You couldn't do nothin', could ya?" *Beep! Beeeep!* Barreling in from the east came one of the more unexpected sights that the peaceful village had ever seen. A tractor-trailer screeched to a halt in the center of town, about 6 inches in front of the former disbeliever. The amazed villagers slowly approached the truck, then leapt back as one when the back of the trailer flew open. There before them were hundreds and hundreds of cans. Blue, rectangular cans. "Uh....your Worshipfulness, sir?" One peasant approached slowly. "Beggin' your pardon....but, what exactly is this 'SPAM'?" "Spam?" Anne looked hard at her brother. "You are feeding your subjects Spam, and nothing but Spam?" "Yeah, well, they said sorry excuse and food, so I figured, why not do both?.....Uh, Anne?" "Must....control....fist of pain....." "Right. Anyhoo, worship, please!" As Jack stared, the words 'Gain 120 belief' rose up into the air before disappearing. "Cool stuff. I love how that works. Feel those deitical muscles grow, baby!!" At this point, before Anne could attempt to strangle Jack, Mr. Duck wisely decided to insert some much-needed wisdom into the plot. *Squeak?* "You're right, Mr. Duck!" Jack exclaimed excitedly. "We need to figure out how the fire started in the first place! Nuku Nuku!" "Hai, Jack-san?" "You were here, right? Did you see who started this whole thing? Was it weird old Mr. Finster who works down at the amusement park?" The entire village sweatdropped at this one. "No, wise one...." Jack turned to see an old, white-haired man hobbling towards him. "It was mystic fire, that descended from the sky, as a warning to us all...." "Right, then." Jack posed imposingly against the sunset (which was odd, considering it was about 3 PM). "C'mon, team. We have to go find that fire! We'll be back, creepy old guy, and we'll bring the fire with us! For now, though, enjoy the Spam!!" **************************** It was now later in the afternoon, and "Team Controversy" was....well, they weren't quite sure where they were. There were trees, and grass, and suchlike in the background, but no mystic fires or any other suspicious activity. "Dang." Jack commented. "This place is way too boring. It needs something to liven it up." *Squeak.* "No, Mr. Duck, although an intriguing proposal, I don't quite think that the natives are quite prepared to try and coagulate into a socialistic society quite yet. Besides, then they would have no need for God, aka me, which is a bad thing." Anne sweatdropped mightily, as befitted a conscience of Normalcy. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a bolt of lightning hit the ground like an unexpected (but exceedingly convenient) plot point. "Wow! That really could have hurt someone!" Jack exclaimed. "Thank God it hit that smoking crater!!" "Uh....Jack." Anne called to him, hovering a few feet above the charred soil. "You might want to see this." There, left behind by the bolt from above, was a message. //PREPARE TO DIE, FOUL FALSE GOD! I, THE MIGHTY LEONANDO, SHALL DEFEAT THEE AND TAKE THINE WORSHIPPERS FOR MINE OWN!!// "........" And lo, the mighty Jack did sweatdrop. "....Y'know, I wonder if this guy's a Kuno or some such." [Indeed not, foul demonspawn! I am the Great and Powerful Leonando, God of this Fair Land!!] "Oooh....I have got to learn how to do that!" [What?] "Talk in capital letters in the middle of my sentences. Hmmm....I want a Pizza! With Extra Anchovies and Pineapple!!!" [.......Your odd tactics will avail you not, Demon! For now, you face the wrath of My faithful Creature!! Come, Mordecai!!] The entire group of interdimensional refugees looked nervously upwards as a steady, rhythmic rumbling grew louder and louder and louder. Finally, above their heads appeared a towering, forty-foot...... Mouse. A fearsome, fanged, foul-breathed mouse, to be sure. But a mouse none the less. Now, for most readers, this is painfully obvious. But, for those few who don't see where this is headed, a quick explanation. We have a 40-foot tall mouse. We have a cat's brain in a super-powered android body. Cats chase, catch, and kill mice. Any questions? Good. Now back to the fic. Nuku Nuku's eyes lit up (figuratively) as her cat-like ears popped out of her head (literally). Jack looked at the mouse and grinned nastily. "Go ahead, Nuku Nuku. Have some fun, you deserve it." With that, the catgirl launched herself at the enormous rodent. [What?! What are you--hey, you can't do that! No, don't hit him there! No!!! Come back, Mordecai!!!] The voice of the god faded away along with the sounds of the fleeing mouse. A few seconds later, Nuku Nuku popped out of the underbrush, dragging a 10-foot long tail behind her. "Uh....Nuku Nuku, maybe you'd better leave that. He might need it later." "Ano....OK, Anne-san." Nuku Nuku obediently dropped the tail on the ground. A moment later, the words 'Gain 270 belief, Gain former worshippers of rival god.' rose up from nowhere before disappearing a few seconds later. "Well, that was interesting." Jack offhandedly commented. "So, where to now?" *Squeak.* Anne paled. "Oh, no. Not there...." Jack, predictably, grinned. "And why not, sis? I hear it's rather nice this time of year!" And lo, the universe did facefault, because, somehow, sweatdropping just didn't seem quite drastic enough. End Book 2 **************************** Author's notes: Wow, my first ImproFanfic. And I didn't even know I was writing it this time last week For fun, here's a quick timeline: Two weeks ago or so--Find out that, despite not having signed up, I'm writing Chapter 4. Resolve to actually write the sucker. Tuesday-- Discover that I'm writing Chapter 2, and that it's due Sunday. Panic. Wednesday--Skip fourth period to brainstorm ideas with friend who has never watched any anime. Thursday--Write first part of story. Friday--Watch TV, read Ultra. Saturday--Go see "Shrek." Saturday night--Actually write the sucker. And now, I collapse. But, really, it was a lot of fun and I hope to do it again, sooner or later. Thanks to: Brian Strickland, for creating this thing; Alton, for agreeing to skip class with me in order to brainstorm and co-inspire (for the record, the record, the baby seal baseball bat was his idea); Stryer, for laughing hysterically at the first part of this thing when I was depressed about it; Mrs. Rosenblatt, the substitute teacher, for looking the other way when I skipped fourth period; the writers of The Simpsons, Kevin Smith, and Garth Ennis, for various inspirations/homages/blatant rip-offs that've worked their way in here; ImproFanfic, for actually allowing this to be posted; anyone I forgot (you know who you are); and of course, the signers of the U.S. Constitution, for coming up with that whole wacky "free speech" thing. Good night, all!