It was a quiet, peaceful planet, yet to see the ravages of technology and human expansion. The people led uncomplicated lives, without any modern luxuries. No phones, no lights, no motor- Er... Wait a minute... *This* isn't Eden. *This* is the Earth. And in a very large building within the Big Honkin' Boot that is Italy, controversy is about to rear its spiky-haired head... -=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Improfanfic presents... JACK & WHITE a chibific with, like, gods and stuff by Brian Stricklin Book III: The Bit with the Singing -=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Ah... Vatican City in the summertime... Imagine lots of really old architecture. Imagine gargoyles, flying buttresses, trellises, gazebos, those little, you know, pointy things on the top of roofs... the whole nine yards. It has all the trimmings, as befits one of the best-known centers of religious faith in the world. Feel free to imagine Gregorian chanting as well, if you want. But that's beside the point. The point, in this case, is what's about to happen in the Pope's private chambers. (Note that, due to total lack of information and a complete disinterest in doing the research, no description will be made of the Pope's bedroom. Apart from the giant pink foam hand with the 'I'm a Dan Fan!' logo emblazoned on it, there's not much to see here.) The Pope himself was sitting peacefully in his room, reading scriptures and doing other popely things, when a low chuckle, almost inaudible, reached his ears. He lifted his head and peered around. "Hello? Who's there?" The laughter only increased in volume, and the Pope put down the copy of 'John and Mary's Guide to Safe Sex' he'd been perusing. Picking up his walking cane, he shakily got to his feet and looked for the source... As the laughter, now almost painfully loud, echoed across the room, a tendril of black smoke rose from the floor. It quickly grew and thickened, gaining color and form, until there, floating before the pontiff, was a hugely-muscled demonic creature, fire blazing in its eyes and a haze of brimstone surrounding it. The laugh continued for a moment longer, then the monster lowered its head to look at the frail old man before it. [SO,] it began, sarcasm dripping from every word, [THIS IS WHAT RULES THE MOST HOLY CHURCH IN THIS ERA. HOW PATHETIC! KNEEL BEFORE ME, PIOUS ONE, AND PREPARE TO SWEAR FEALTY TO YOUR NEW GOD!] The Pope smiled. "Hello, Jack! How are you?" There was a long pause. [UH... WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, ZEALOT?! I AM, ER, VORDAKEL'THOR, GOD OF ETERNAL NIGHT!] It was the old man's turn to chuckle. "Oh, Jackie... always joking around and pulling pranks!" He waggled a finger under the demon's nose. "You shouldn't be so mischievous, you know! But I think that God forgives you for it." The creature slumped down a bit. [OKAY, OKAY, YOU GOT ME. HOW DID YOU FIGURE IT OUT?] "Well, for one thing, you forgot to change your hair..." [HUH?] Sure enough, the demon's head was crowned with several long red spikes. [OOPS. THERE'S ALWAYS SOMETHING, ISN'T THERE?] "And also, Nuku Nuku is standing right behind you." He smiled at her kindly. "Hello, my dear!" She waved back cheerily. "Konnichiwa, Mister Pope-san!" [OH, WELL. CAN'T BLAME ME FOR TRYING.] The pontiff's smile turned nasty. "Well, actually... As they say in Japan, God may forgive you, but I don't." [SAY WHAT?] Suddenly the Pope ripped off the top half of his holy vestments, revealing a chest with more muscles than a convention of Steroid Abusers Anonymous dropouts. "Get thee gone, foul beast, or face the Heavenly Hallelujah Headlock!" With an 'Eeep!' that lacked the demon's more impressive baritone, Jack leapt back through a quick portal, pulling the surprised catgirl along with him. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Anne looked up from her perch on the Holy Throne of Lysias as Jack stepped through the portal, wiping the last of the brimstone from his clothes with a spare towel. "Well, that could've gone better," he said to nobody in particular. She smirked at him. "I told you so. I don't think he ever really forgave you for stealing the Popemobile." Jack shrugged. "It seemed like a good idea, though. Convert the pope, and the entire Catholic population of the Earth would've been mine, all mine!" *Squeak.* "That's a good point, Mr. Duck... the paperwork would've been a bitch. Ah, well. What should we do now?" "Well," Anne replied, "you could put in an appearance at Leonando's old village. You defeated their God, so they believe in you, but a little personal appearance couldn't hurt. Also, the villagers need a new storehouse - the spam you summoned is almost gone." He blinked. "Don't tell me it's gone bad. That would indicate a universe-threatening paradox or something." "No, but it's proved to be really popular." Jack blinked again. Three times. "Come again?" Anne rolled her eyes. "Come on, Jack. Think about it. These people are basically the same as Earth's Norse civilization. Norse as in Vikings? Vikings and spam? I'm sure I don't have to sing the song." "Good point. Anything else?" She looked at the little notebook she'd materialized for just this purpose. "Well, there's been a couple of sightings of," she glanced at Nuku Nuku, "the iant-jay ouse-may, but it's nothing to worry about. And, uh..." To Jack's surprise, his sister blushed. "...there's kind of a long line of young men outside, wanting to know if they can get chosen as Disciples." "I didn't know chopping wood was so much of a growth industry." "Not that kind of Disciple." The blush intensified. "They, uh... they want to be Breeders." There was a pause as this information settled in. "That's just disturbing," Jack decided. "I may be a controversial God, but there's just something iffy about that concept. So, if I can say this without damning their immortal souls, to Hell with them. Let them find their own dates." "Suits me," Anne replied, looking rather relieved. *Squeak!* agreed Mr. Duck. "Okay. So we've got starving villagers, a town verging on agnostic, and a big critter on the loose. There's only one clear option available." Anne sighed. "And that is?" "It's obvious, sister dear." Jack pointed dramatically toward the temple door. "TO THE BEACH!" -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- The villagers milled around aimlessly; some collecting wood, some farming, and some engaging in a bit of political satire with a smidgen of metaphorical imagery thrown in the mix. Their new god, while clearly insane, hadn't yet made much of a change in their daily lives. By and large, they were simple people, who knew just what to do when danger threatened - that is, flee in terror. Fierce animals, hurled boulders, balls of flame, and corporate lawyers... yes, they had their routine down pat. Thus, when the giant multicolored sphere - at least twenty feet tall - bounced over a few huts and rolled to a stop next to the village centre, the weren't quite sure what to make of it. The villagers watched it owlishly for a moment, waiting to see if it was going to attack or, possibly, explode. One or two of them poked at it, wondering if it was going to turn out to be edible... Just then, their god's Creature, barefoot and wearing a skimpy bikini, came trotting up to the sphere, laughing happily. She stopped as she noticed the villagers staring at her (half of them getting definite glazed looks in their eyes), and waved cheerfully. "Hello, peasant-type people! Jack-san says to be good while we're gone, or I get to open a can on you! I hope there's yummy catfood in the can!" "Nuku Nuku!" Jack waved at her from a hilltop, towel in hand. "C'mon, hurry up!" "Hai!" She turned back to the sphere and gave it a mighty kick; the giant beach ball sailed out of the village, gently grazing town hall as it flew past, and Nuku Nuku gleefully chased after it. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=- "Ahhhhh..." Jack leaned back on his towel, enjoying the warmth of the sun. "This is more like it. Nothing to do but kick back and relax." Anne, sitting under a small umbrella next to Mr. Duck, sipped her thimble-sized Mai Tai. "I have to admit, this is one of your better ideas," she said. "At least there's nobody for you to..." She stopped. "What's that sound? Kinda like... music?" Her brother sat up, eyebrow twitching. "Accordion music..." She stared at him in alarm. "Jack..." "...on *my* day off?" "Jack, don't!" "Oh, HELL no!" He reached out a hand and gestured vaguely toward the source of the noise, and a bolt of lightning leapt through the air. There were a few screams of panic in the distance, then silence." Anne put her head in her hands. "Jack..." "Simmer down, sis. That was just a warning shot. Dead villagers don't provide belief, right?" She sighed in resignation, and Jack settled down to take a nice little nap... A sudden shadow cut off the warmth. "So this is what you think it is to be a god?" Jack opened one eye, and was unsurprised to see a dark-skinned woman looming over him. "Cut me some slack, Sable. Gods are allowed to rest once every seven days. I read that somewhere." She was unimpressed. "And in the meantime, your villagers go hungry, your new worshipers are losing their faith, and as for your Creature..." As if on cue, a soft rumbling arose, which was soon joined by peals of laughter... and the laughter itself was punctuated by an occasional 'Oof!' They turned toward the sound, and saw the giant beach ball rolling along the sand. Nuku Nuku was clinging to its surface, giggling happily as she spun around and around, leaving catgirl-shaped impressions in the sand every so often. Jack and Sable continued to stare until the spectacle rolled out of sight. "...where did she find that?" Sable asked, mystified. "Beats me. Anyway, did you have a point?" "My *point*, Eccentric One, is that the villagers would like to know what kind of god you intend to be - evil, or good?" He sighed. "I'm not in the mood to explain this to you, babes. Let's just take it as read that the whole good-and-evil schtick doesn't apply to me, and leave it at that, 'kay?" He closed his eyes, showing every intention to go back to his nap. Sable was furious. "And that's it? That's your excuse for everything you've done?" Jack smiled. "Y'know something?" "What?!" "You sound just like Lara Croft when I'm not looking at you." After a moment's pause he looked up at her fierce scowl, and sat up. "Okay. If it makes you happy, I'll fulfill the next request the villagers make, no strings attached. Good enough?" Her expression softened. "It's a start. I'll return to the village and find out what-" "Excuse me, yer divine omnipotenceship?" "That's me." Jack turned around... and his eyebrow twitched. Standing before him were three villagers in workmen's clothes. And one of them had an accordion. They nodded at each other, and the musician lifted his instrument. A sweatdrop rolled down Jack's temple. "Uh... wait a minute..." But it was too late. The peasants burst into song, the accordion wheezing merrily. "Ohhhhhhhhhh, you're lying on the beach, you, Now we implore you and beseech you, For the boat we were building has burned to the ground. We want to go sailing, So please listen to our wailing, 'Cuz we need something seaworthy to get around. "Eidle eidle eee! Eidle eidle eee! Yes, we need something seaworthy to get around! "Ohhhhhhhhhh, we want to go sailing, So please listen to our wailing, And provide us with something to get us around!" As the accordion player continued to, well, play, Jack raised his hands. "Whoah! Hold up! Your boat burned down? Right next to the ocean?" "Strangest thing I ever did see, my lord." One of the peasants pointed at a large column of smoke in the middle distance. "We were just sittin' over there tryin' to figure out how to get some more wood to finish the boat, when this big bolt of lightning came streakin' out of nowhere. Scared us half to death, it did. Now we've got no boat to our names." Jack avoided Sable's gaze. "Okay. Never let it be said that I don't keep a promise." He waved his arm theatrically... -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- "Thanks, O Holy One!" The villagers waved to him as they skipped over the waves in their new vessels. "We'll never forget you, you know!" Standing nearby, Sable nodded her head grudgingly. "It looks like you did the right thing, Jack," she admitted. "Maybe there's hope for you after all..." As Sable walked off, returning to the village, Jack leaned back on his towel once more. "Y'know," he said, "it does feel good to do something nice every once in a while." Anne seemed less than confident. "I don't know, Jack... I mean, jetskis?" "Hey, it was the first thing that came to mind. Besides, they seemed to enjoy them." "But it looked like they were getting ready for a long trip. Those things aren't really suited for ocean travel, and what happens when the gas runs out?" He shook his head. "Anne, Anne, Anne... must you always worry? It'll work out. Just relax and enjoy the view." *Squeak?* "Mr. Duck, don't be rude! She's my sister, after all! And she can put on her *own* suntan lotion." Resigned to a familiar feeling of helplessness, Anne leaned back herself. "So, what are you planning to do tomorrow?" "Oh, I've got an idea or two..." "WAAAAHHHHH!" Jack looked up in time to see Nuku Nuku sprint past. "Jack-san! Anne-san! Mr. Duck-san! HEEEEEELP!" A moment later, the beach ball bounced along the beach, rolling cheerfully in the catgirl's wake. There was another extended pause. "...where *did* she find that thing?" Jack mused. = = = = = = = = = = = = = AUTHOR'S NOTES Kinda weird, and a bit disheartening, writing the third chapter in the fic I started. Oh, well. And NO EXTENSION this time! WAAAAAIIIIII! ^_^v I'd like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who signed up for J&W. Domo, domo! Next up: Ray Vichot. LET'S STARTING!