Anne Lysias had had better days. And given the life she'd led with her brother Jack before getting sucked into his latest stint as a god, that said something rather sorry about _this_ day. Jack was lying on a deck chair, sipping a pina colada out of a coconut. And ignoring Anne's pleas for him to go deal with some mess back at the village. Ignoring her was something he'd had a lot of practice at, anyway. Suddenly, a huge wave crashed down on the sand, thousands of tons of water completely covering the beach party. Then it retreated back into the sea, leaving a rather stunned group, and mocking laughter in its wake. Nuku-Nuku charged off into the forest, yelling, "Ball-san, come back Ball-san!" Anne had been hammered into the sand like a tent peg, and was trying to pull herself out. Mr. Duck gave a burbling *squeerp* as the water rolled away. And Jack... Jack took one sip of his now-salty pina colada, spat it out, and said: "Somebody just got my personal attention." *****====---====***** Improfanfic presents... JACK & WHITE A Chibi epic of fanfiction propo... umm... Created by Brian Strickland Book V: Roly-Poly Fish Heads By Bryan Feir *****====---====***** The village had sat by the sea for generations untold. People lived their lives by the tides, using the ebb and flow of the water to time their boats going out to sea to fish. They had seen everything the water could do. Rising up several feet and flooding through the village was a new one. The giant shark that swam about just off the old docks and threatened to eat anybody that got too close didn't help. Nor did the towering waterspout out in the bay that sounded like it was laughing at them. No, not laughing, more like cackling. Most of the villagers, not being stupid, were running for higher ground. Then there was the bunch of them that were praying for deliverance. "Save us, O great and mighty god!" The giant can of Spam they were worshipping as a god was thinking. After all, this was its first true test as a god after it had seduced the villagers away from that good-for-nothing Jack. Now would be the time for it to show all who was the _TRUE_ god around here. Now would be the time to destroy that Creature that was swimming on the water, not to mention its mistress swirling out in the bay. Now it would... *SQUEEK!* "That's right, Mr. Duck. Everybody out of the pool!" BOOOM! Now it would fly through the air as its altar got blown up underneath it, sending it past the edge of the dock and into the water, where it landed with a huge splash, knocking the shark back through the bay until that slammed into the base of the waterspout, which collapsed in a spray of water with a loud 'OOF'. Jack grinned, turning around and bowing to the rest of the village. "Thank you, thank you. No need to send money, the explosions and loud noises are payment enough." Above the villagers, the words 'Gain 50 belief' appeared and floated upward before fading out. Anne fluttered in, still brushing sand out of uncomfortable places in her clothing, and groaned. "Jack..." "Not now, I'm still composing my acceptance speech. I'd like to thank all those of you who stuck with me through all this..." "Jack!" "For those of you who abandoned me to that hunk of rotten meat, you'll get what's coming to you..." "JACK!!" "And now, for my next trick, I..." [I AM NOT YET DEFEATED! BOW BEFORE ME, PUNY GODLING!] Jack casually pivoted on one heel, looking back at the giant can of Spam that was sitting at an odd angle in the muck. "That's neat. How do you do that, anyway, mister 'I have no mouth, but I must talk in brackets?'" [IMPUDENT FOOL! YOU NO LONGER HOLD ANY SWAY HERE; AFTER YOU ABANDONED THESE PEOPLE, THEY TURNED TO ME! I SHALL BE THEIR ONE TRUE GOD! I SHALL BE OUCH!] "Ouch?" Jack scratched his hair. "You shall be ouch? Not exactly a great career aspiration, is it, Mr. Duck?" *Squeak.* [STOP DOING THAT, YOU OW! DISGUSTING CREATURE! OUCH!] "Umm..." Jack looked around, and finally saw the problem. The shark had apparently recovered, and was trying to dig its teeth into the aluminum side of the can. It didn't seem to be having much luck, aside from making loud scraping noises. Even the great and mighty Jack could sweatdrop. Not that anybody noticed, as Jack was almost immediately engulfed in a blast of water as big around as he was tall. The waterspout out in the bay had reformed, and was slowly shifting into a more human shape. As the blast of water stopped, leaving a Jack with wet clothes and slightly droopy hair, the spout called out //Foolish peasants! None can stop the majesty that is Beth, goddess of the ocean! OHHHohohohohohoho!// Jack ran his hand back through his hair, which immediately sprang back upright. "What's this, convention season for Kunos?" Jack said. "Now all we need is a guy with a coconut for a head, and we'll have the whole set! Kuno Babies, collect them all!" Anne sighed. "Jack, don't piss off the nice psychotic." "Psychotic? Hey, _I_ am the nice psychotic around here, and don't you forget it!" *Squeak!* "Thank you, Mr. Duck. Your loyalty is appreciated." Jack promptly got another magical bath. //Nobody ignores the might of Beth, and converses as though she weren't present!// "Well, just call me mister Nobody, then... whoah!" The last came because Jack had finally gotten a good look at what used to be a waterspout, and which was now a rather tall and beautiful woman with her hair floating free behind her. The fact that her clothes were all wet and clingy was a plus. "What's a nice goddess like you doing in a place like this?" //WHAT?// "Like the see-through robes. Maybe I should make that dress uniform for all the girls here." The goddess Beth was reduced to sputtering incoherently, and Anne decided that getting Jack to listen to her was lower priority than finding a place to hide from little miss water goddess. Jack grinned even wider. "Though would be nice if the skirt were a bit shorter. Get a better view that way." //GET HIM, SHERRA!// "A shark named Sherra? My, not heavy on the imagination, are we?" Jack did a little dance, singing, "Que sherra, sherra, whatever will be..." He stopped abruptly as the end of the dock was bitten off by the shark, giving him a good view of several rows of teeth. "My, you're going to make some dentist very happy some day, aren't you?" //I will destroy you! And Sherra will destroy your village!// "I don't think so." //You can't stop me!// "I don't plan to." Jack's grin got even wider until it threatened to split his head in half. He turned and yelled back towards the forest, "Hey, Nuku Nuku! FISH!" A bright multi-colored streak flashed through the village at high speed, slamming into the can of Spam and knocking it over onto its side, before bouncing straight upward and vanishing from sight. It was followed by a pink and magenta streak that stopped right in front of Jack. "Fish?" Her cat ear sensors were out, and literally quivering. "Yep!" Jack pointed out at the giant shark that was weaving dazedly through the water, having been almost hit by the can. "Big fish. We're going to have a barbecue tonight!" "Ooooh, goody!" Nuku Nuku clapped her hands, bouncing up and down. And attracting the attention of most of the male population of the village in the process. "I like fish!" "Then let's get the main course and get ready to party!" Nuku Nuku ran down what was left of the dock, leapt up, did a somersault in mid-air, then dived straight down with a resounding crash as she slammed into the back of the shark, sending both of them beneath the waves. Tense seconds passed. Finally, the shark surfaced again, and started moving towards the shore. //HAH! Your puny little creature is no match for the amazing might and jaws of my Sherra! OHHHhohohohoho... ho?// Beth stopped laughing in confusion as the shark kept moving forward and upward, out of the water... being carried by Nuku Nuku. Above her formed the words 'Gain 200 belief.' Jack cackled. "How'd you like them pomegranates, lady?" "Apples, Jack," said Anne as she peeked around to see if it was safe. "Naw, always been a Lucky Charms man myself." Beth glared at Jack. //This isn't the end of this!// "No, this is." Jack turned his back to the goddess and bent over. And promptly got hit by another water blast for his trouble, before the goddess dissolved back into the ocean. Looking down at Mr. Duck, Jack said, "Note to self: look into the possibility of a bidet." *Squeak.* *****====---====***** The party was long, the party was loud. Everybody ate well, and there would be enough food left for several days, at least. Nuku Nuku danced on the table while carrying the shark's skull over her head. Jack fashioned an imprompto xylophone out of its rib cage. Several others were using old empty Spam cans as 'steel' drums. Mr. Duck squeaked along with the beat. And Anne just sighed and tried to keep the midden pile separate from the 'food to save for later' pile, with the help of a few of the village women. Given the way bones and old empty cans of Spam were being tossed around, it was a lost cause. But then, Anne was something of an expert at lost causes. Eventually, everybody collapsed for the night. *****====---====***** "Jack-san!" Nuku Nuku's loud voice rang out across the village. Jack, having partied heavily the night before, merely responded with a "blrgh". "Jaaaaack-san!" Anne fluttered in. "Jack, you really should see this." "Goway." "Jaaaaaaaaack-san!" Anne sighed, already hating herself for what she was about to say. "Nuku Nuku isn't wearing any clothes." She was almost immediately knocked aside as Jack pushed his way out to take a look. Nuku Nuku's head was visible poking through the top of one of the grass huts the village consisted of. Her legs were sticking out one of the walls, too, which meant she was sitting down. There were several other spectators as well, including a few of the local teens that seemed to have passed out. "Wow..." Jack's awe slowly shifted into his usual manic grin. "Well, if everybody else gets a giant creature, why not me? She'll be even more of a match for that Mordecai critter now. Hee hee hee..." He rubbed his hands together, cackling. Anne nodded along, then blinked. "Umm, Jack, she's an android. How is she supposed to grow bigger?" "Hey, who cares? It's happened, right? Let's make use of it. Hey, Nuku Nuku, get yourself a grass skirt on, we've got a mouse to catch!" Nuku Nuku's ears flipped out again. "Mouse?" Anne simply sighed again, looking around the village for any way out of this. Strange that she couldn't see any of the metal cans that had been scattered around yesterday... She looked back at the giant-size Nuku Nuku. No, no, that would be just too silly for words. *****====---====***** Out in the bay, the last remaining can of Spam was grumbling to itself. [I'll get that Jack if it's the last thing I do! Oh, he'll pay for this embarrassment.] That train of thought was stopped short as a giant, multi-colored beach ball finally dropped down from the near orbit it had been launched into the previous afternoon, and slammed hard into the can, pushing it deeper into the muck at the bottom of the bay. [Ow.] Author's Notes: Okay, I'll admit I'm not much of an expert on that state of Jack-ness, given that all I've read is the Controversial Jack Impro, none of the appearances in Ultra, and Impromanga is currently inaccessible. But I did what I could. I had fun, even if this whole thing was written in about five hours straight on far too little sleep and other RL stressors... Thanks to Mbpascal for pre-reading and moral support.