A land of innocence has no need for gods. Until fate intervenes... "Hey, hey, hey! Where are all the devices for mass torture that I'd ordered invented? Just because I don't have some kind of church dedicated to me yet doesn't mean that I can't impose an Inquisition on you guys! That's Commandment Number Six Hundred and Seventy Nine, remember? Now get cracking at it, ya bunch a lazy bums! Chop, chop!" Fate can be so cruel sometimes. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Impwofanfic pwoudwy pwesents... JACK & WHITE a divine work of Chibi Improfanfiction begun by the godly Brian Stricklin Book 6 & 1/2 (Ducklings 8: 23-51): "All Your Village Are..." as prophecied by Mads, The Unholy One -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- "Hmmm," the author mused, "obligatory Zerowing ref, check (blatancy, dead-horse-beating factor, double check!). Now on with the part!" -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Ah, a new day. There's nothing quite like the fresh beginnings of another terran solar rotation... the clean smell of the air, the pristine beauty of the dew-covered trees and grass... the spectacle of a forty-foot mouse being chased through the forest by a slightly larger, grinning young girl with twitching catlike ears. Watching from a safe distance, the godhead and his cohorts did breakfast amid the noises of trees crashing about, the squeals of a terrified mouse creature and the giggling of a delighted young android giant. "Bleh," Jack opined after another spoonful of his meal. "Remind me never to try another one of these so-called native delicacies again. I mean, sure, these guys might be *used* to fish cereal, but it just isn't my cup of coffee, you know?" "Tea, Jack," Anne corrected him absently, sipping some OJ and hovering just above Jack's left shoulder (the right was reserved for Mr. Duck). "Yes, I think I *will* introduce golfing to the land later," Jack said, a hand rubbing his chin. "I hear dodo eggs make for GREAT golf balls!" *SQUEAK!* "Of course!" Jack laughed, "White owl hatchlings WOULD make excellent tee pins too! You're a genius, Mr. Duck!" Anne sweatdropped and tried to keep herself from flying down Jack's throat for the simple pleasure of probably making him choke to death. "You know what, sister dear," Jack began idly from his perch atop his perch. "I've been thinking..." "Well stop it," Anne interrupted sourly, feeling obliged to be consistently antagonistic. "You'll save us all a lot of trouble." "Now, now, sister dear," Jack beamed, waggling a finger. "That's no way to speak to the resident deity! Now then, matters of importance haven't exactly escaped my notice, as you might well have imagined..." Anne perked up-- Jack... thinking about matters of importance? Jack went on, holding up a pair of skimpy clothing in each hand: "Should I decree that the official underwear for the land be boxer shorts or just some really thin leiderhosen? What do you think?" Anne facepalmed-- she shoulda known. "Hmmm, guess you're right," Jack decided thoughtfully, nodding. "Methinks I'll just do away with worshipper underwear altogether! Just think of the laundry detergent it would save!" "Lord, give me strength," Anne implored the heavens in a whisper. "Why, you need but ask nicely, Anne," Jack smiled. "I'm all ears!" "Jack," Anne Lysias began, forehead punctuated by a huge throbbing vein that threatened to burst at any moment. "Like before, I've prepared an agenda of godly things to do for you on the offchance that you suddenly take it upon yourself to be something productive for a change. And I fully intend to take it up with you now, you hear me?" "Shoot," Jack urged her. "It's not like I have anything better to do after watching Nuku-chan beat on that oversized Disney reject over there." "Good," Anne said, pulling out a clipboard from Clipboardspace (tm). "For one thing, you still haven't made an appearance at Leonando's old village-- you might want to check out the worshipper potential there." Jack nodded. "You're right... I COULD use some extra hands for that giant juicer I'm going to have built-- growing girls of Nuku-Nuku's size need their OJ!" Rather than go into the question of where to find the oranges for any such juicer, Anne shuddered and then went on. "That Sherra thing leftover from last night'll keep for a while," she muttered, leafing through her notes, "but it won't last forever. You'll have to see about future food supplies if you want these villagers to keep their faith in their so-called God." She fixed Jack with a pointed stare. "Pshaw, pshaw, sister dear," Jack said flippantly, leaning back and donning some sunglasses. "Remember what happened last time? I said God would provide-- and I did, didn't I? No worries here." "As per usual," Anne sighed and moved on to the next item. "Now about this baseball thing you have going..." "Anne, if it's about the baby seal thing again, I've TOLD you at least a DOZEN times before! It'll take five days AT LEAST before they start to smell! And as for the porcupines on first base..." Anne looked up from her clipboard with a bemused expression on her face. "The Jack Pack, your youth team, won the championship. They want you to make a speech at the awarding." Jack blinked. "HAH! KNEW those runts could do it!" Jack chortled proudly. "A few steroids never hurt anybody, I always say! Eh, sure, why not? I haven't made a good speech in ages..." "Or ever," Anne quipped. At that juncture, the Get To The Point Demon dropkicked the author, causing him to spontaneously generate the next pertinent plot point. "UUUUUUNNNNGGGGAAAAAAAAOOOOO!!!" said the mysterious, unknown-as-of-yet creature from the bowels of the forest. Question marks floated above Jack's head. "To your knowledge," he said, turning to Anne, "do either giant mice or catgirl androids go 'ungao'?" Anne shrugged. //AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!// Jack facefaulted. "ME-DAMMIT! Not THIS again!" "Jack-saaaaan!" came the anguished cry from the fifty-foot tall Nuku- Nuku bounding towards him. "HELP! It's a *monster*!!!" Nuku-Nuku situated herself directly behind Jack and peered out from above his shoulder (which was easy to do, considering). Everyone watched as a fierce yellow glow could be seen ascending from the damaged treeline. //AHAHAHAHAAA!!! It is I, Paulos!// came the declaration from the light. //I am he who will crush all other gods before me! AHAHAHAA-// Jack lifted a finger to point at the newcomer and eyed Nuku-Nuku critically. "You're afraid of THIS? I've eaten cheese logs more intimidating than him, radioactive mutation, or NO radioactive mutation." "It- It's not HIM," Nuku-Nuku whimpered. "It's-" //Bow before me, puny ones!!!// Paulos roared, cutting Nuku-Nuku off. //And cower before my great servant, ACRIDIOUS!!!// On cue, the forest floor began to vibrate, gyrate, and otherwise reverberate in a manner suggesting that something of considerably considerable size and mass was approaching at dangerous speeds. A convenient dust cloud almost twice as high as Nuku-Nuku was tall approached the gathering, momentarily obscuring the newcomer. "UUUNGGGAAAAAAOOOOOOO!!!" cried the figure that emerged from the dust cloud. "Eek!" Nuku-Nuku eeked and attempted to hide herself behind Jack. "It's-" Anne gasped. "A-" Jack facetwitched. *SQUEAK!* "You said it," Jack agreed. Before them stood a snorting, huffing sixty-foot camel. It stamped a couple of times in barely restrained animosity at the world in general and then blew off some steam from its flaring nostrils before bellowing again. "UUUNGAAAOOO!!!" "Noisiest damn camel I've ever seen," Jack grumbled, sticking his little finger into an ear and moving it around a bit. "So does it DO anything to make up for the anticlimax?" //MOCK NOT THE GUISE OF YOUR DOOM, FALSE GOD!!!// Paulos warned, emerging from his chariot of light ($23 at SEARS (some assembly required)). //Rather, prepare to do homage to the ONE TRUE GOD (me!) or suffer the wrath of ACRIDIOUS!!!// "You know, this was okay the first time," Jack explained, but speaking to the yellow plastic duck on his shoulder. "The eye candy was great and all (especially with that wet little dish presiding, rowrrrr...), but it just gets old after, what? the second time?" //YOU DARE IGNORE ME!?// Paulos raged from his chariot, floating several feet overhead of Jack's party. "Hey, Anne," Jack addressed his conscience. "Where'd that giant can of SPAM get to? Maybe we could start a whole new line of evolution with that thing..." //Then so be it! ACRIDIOUS! ATTACK!// "UUNGGAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" cried the creature and then it spit on Jack. Now, when camels spit, that is not to say that they expactorate a wad of saliva and then launch it at their targets in a straight stream of clear fluid. If only it were that simple. What camels do is that, they chew whatever plant material it is they chew for hours upon end until the fibers are reduced into a homogenous pulp of saliva and cellulose. The resultant gel is then swallowed to be processed partially by the creature's digestive juices. After that, the soup remains there to ferment for a few days into a truly disgusting slime which the camel THEN hocks up, regurgitates, aims, and then sprays at the unfortunate object of his frustrations, often preferrably in the eye. And as for *giant* camels... There was a breathless silence for a moment. Nuku-Nuku had backed off just in time to avoid getting splatted with some of the vile viscousness that the camel had spewed. "Jack-san?" she gasped, wide-eyed. Anne flitted nearby after a hasty escape. "Jack?" Mr. Duck was looking up from where he had fallen onto the ground. *SQUEAK?* Jack lifted one hand and slowly wiped some camel spit off his eyes. "Now THAT..." he said slowly. "Was truly nasty. You DO realize that I'll have to hurt you now, don't you?" Paulos smirked. //Bring it o- GHK!!// A 500-pound pikachu dropped on top of him proved sufficient interruption for whatever else he might have had to say. (gain 290 belief) -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- "I hate to resort to obscure refs," Jack muttered as he wiped the last of the pollution from his person, "but, dammit, he WAS pretty annoying..." //Wha-... how..?// Paulos coughed from his crater where several other objects of dubious nature, including his stunned camel, were applying their respective weights on him. //Your spells, you... You don't follow the rules of godhood!// "Jack is beyond rules," Jack said, dismissing the defeated god with a wave of his hand, "even *before* he became God. Now, I think I'll have a few questions that need some answering right about now." A snap of his fingers produced one dark-skinned Sable in her all her half-naked charm and glistening with a thin surface layer of bathwater. "WHAT THE-!?" the creature-trainer cried out in indignant rage, staring about at her new surroundings. She caught sight of the unmistakable spiky red plumage and the grinning face underneath it a few feet from her. "YOU!! I WAS in the middle of my morning ablutions, you idiot!!!" "Stop stating the obvious, Sable and look at yonder crater," Jack said. "What do you make of this guy?" Sable's expression changed dramatically and she almost dropped the towel she was using to protect her decency. "You defeated ANOTHER god?" she exclaimed. "ALREADY? Well, you're good for *something* useful, at least..." "Now, Miss Dermal-Disease-Ridden-Face-Girl," Jack said, leaning over to study the groaning remains of Paulos. "Where did THIS yahoo come from?" Sable sideglanced at Jack, debated the wisdom of telling him, sighed, and then decided to explain. "As you might have noticed, you're not the only god on the planet, Jack. There are more like you and like this one over here scattered all over among the villages of the continent. Each one vies for the most number of worshippers among the populace, and eventually, complete control of all of the globe." "Sounds like the teen pop idol situation back on earth," Jack observed. After a few moments of thought, he straightened and powerposed. "YOSH! I have it!" "You know what to do about your rival gods?" Anne asked. "I figured THAT out thirty seconds ago," Jack said. "It's just that I realized that I'll have a whole Holy Book dedicated to me! Well, it'd take a couple of five thousand years to write, but hell, think of the ROYALTIES! The lives I'd touch!" Anne sweatdropped. "And as for the OTHER gods..." *SQUEAK!* "Right again, Mr. Duck!" jack laughed, picking up his consort and putting him back atop his rightful place on Jack's shoudler. "You never cease to amaze me with your perceptiveness!" "What? What are you going to do?" Anne asked, puzzled. "Instead of having THEM come to me, I'll make a PERSONAL delivery of my divinity!" Jack grinned from ear to ear. "So they want to face God, eh? We're all going on a little trip, ladies!" "This doesn't bode well," Anne muttered, rubbing at her temple. "I like trips!" Nuku-Nuku bounced, causing seismic activity both on her upper torso and in the general geographical area. Jack powerposed. "Prepare for trouble! Team Contorversy's goin' on a WORLD TOUR!!" "And what about the problems in your OWN village?" Anne almost screamed at Jack. "They'll manage," Jack replied and grinned some more. "Haven't you heard? I work in mysteeeerious ways..." Anne facepalmed. Mr. Duck squeaked in agreement. Nuku-Nuku skipped. "Wai! Trip!" Sable scoffed and then stalked off to finish her morning bath. "Fool." "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!" Jack roared. And lo, did the universe sweatdrop... again. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Author's Addendums (I like this word- sounds like doudenum... or something): Hm. Writing Jack's fun. ^_^ Too bad that a severe case of the Blocks (*shudder*) and having my Midterms on the same week ate a considerable amount of that fun. ^_^;;; But it was STILL fun. ^_^ Muchos gracias to Atom and Brian Stricklin for prereadin'. They r0xx0rz. Hope ye all had fun too. Godspeed. :) MtB 8/6/01