There was a very large silence. Then, there was a very very loud nasty noise, accompanied by a flash of light usually only seen in bad sci-fi movies, when evil aliens are attacking. This was followed by more silence. Then, through the depths of the inky void, there came a call. "...Oops." <------------------------------------------> Improfanfic Presents A Chibi-Fic of Semi-Biblical Proportions \\----------------------------------------// JACK & WHITE Created By Brian Stricklin Book 10: Armaments, Verses 1-6 by Matt Pascal >------------------------------------------< A portal opened, as usual. Also usual was the ranting of Anne Lysias, at her brother, the Lord, Controversial Jack Lysias. Less usual was the green orc- thing riding in the back seat, next to Sable, who looked as though she would rather be just about anywhere else at this point in time. Also, Nuku Nuku and Mr. Duck were there too. It's a big Humvee, OK? Anyway, back to the story. "JACK!! HOW CAN YOU BE SO CALM ABOUT THIS??!!! YOU BLEW UP THE WORLD!!!" Anne screamed at her little brother. If she had been her normal, human-sized size at the moment, her hands would most likely be giving Jack an unpleasant neck massage. As she was still 3 inches tall, though, she was settling for attempting to destroy Jack's eardrums. "Hey, I've done it before! I just wanted to make sure I hadn't lost my touch!" Jack replied, his usual manic grin plastered on his face. "Actually, I'm curious as to HOW he destroyed that planet." Sable leaned forward. "I'm kinda busy driving right now, so Mr. Duck'll have to explain it to you." *Squeak* Sable blinked once. "What did he say?" Jack sighed a deitifical sigh. "All I will tell you, is this: it involves Kevin Costner movies." Everyone else involuntarily shuddered for a moment, before returning to normal. Or whatever passed for normal with this group, anyway. Then, Anne made the extreme mistake of actually taking a good look at their surroundings. "Umm....Jack?" "Yes, my little big sister??" "Just where the heck are we?" At that, everyone looked up at their surroundings. This was probably a mistake, as their location resembled something that would've made Salvador Dali turn white, then hang up his paintbrushes and move to someplace really nice & boring--Nebraska, say. The landscape seemed to shimmer and writhe before their eyes, melting in some place and solidfying a moment later. In short, it was the sort of place that could cause motion sickness if you stood still for too long. The orc had fainted. Sable was turning as green as said orc. Nuku-Nuku's eyes were covered. Anne had actually stopped yelling at Jack. And Jack... Jack was contemplating it as old fat dowagers contemplated white canvases in modern art museums. Well, not exactly. The contemplaters of modern art usually just pretended they understood it. Jack was grinning a bit more maniacally than usual. Then, he turned his face heavenward. "YOU RIPPED ME OFFFF!!!" Silence reigned momentarily, as everyone stared at the spiky red-haired deity. Then, lo, a voice did issue from the firmament. "I AM THE LORD OF THE MULTIVERSE." Jack stared at the sky, which was currently neon purple and sagging under its own weight. "Is that anything like the Lord of the Dance? Ooh, are you gonna start clog-hopping around now? Cause if you are, I'm gonna have to kill you for the sake of humanity." "NAY, LITTLE GODLING. I AM THE BE-ALL AND END-ALL. I CONTROL THE RAW CHAOS THAT IS USED TO FORM THE UNIVERSE ITSELF." "Then how did we get here?" Anne asked quietly. "YOU SCREWED UP. YOU SHOULD'VE TAKEN THE LEFT AT ALBUQUERQUE." Anne facefaulted. Admittedly, it wasn't that impressive, as she was only 3 inches tall. But one could tell just by looking at her that she was getting annoyed. Jack paused a moment, adjusting his godly power tie. Then, he cleared his throat. "You still ripped me off. I want damages, dagnabbit! Mental anguish and cruelty! We can use more of them, and I'm gonna spend my winnings on figuring out cooler ways of causing it!" "...I AM AFRAID THAT I DO NOT UNDERSTAND." "This!!" Jack leaped up, wildly gesturing to the surrounding environment. "I drew this! Back in high school, in math class, next to a Cthulu-summoning ritual!!" "..." The voice seemed to sweatdrop, despite the fact that being a disembodied voice meant that having sweatglands was an impossibility. And thus was the TRUE power of Jack demonstrated. The power to make even the mightiest of gods go "HUH?" in utter confusion. For He was Controversial. "LOOK," the mysterious disembodied bodiless voice said. "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" Jack gave him the evil eye (well, it was more of a controversial, maniacally grinning eye, but you get the idea). "I said, I'm going to sue--" "NOT YOU. THE AUTHOR." ::....Er. Excuse me?:: "YOU HEARD ME. WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?" ::........:: Jack nodded. "Yeah. This chapter started out vaguely promising, but now it's just dying faster than an infant seal around me!" ::....Um....Sorry?:: "Sorry? Look, pal, I do have more important things to do than show up in a cheesy SI bit!" Anne exclaimed. ::Hey, it's not easy to do this! I'm a born procrastinator, not to mention the fact that I don't know if this is the last part! If it is, then I'm just going to destroy the world!:: "That's my job!" Jack exclaimed. ::Yes, but you had your quota for mass destruction this fic. I'm doing my best here!!! And Anne, you DON'T have anything better to do. You haven't been in a fic since before Jack started in Ultra.:: "Yeah, whatever." Anne muttered. *SQUEAK!* "Mr. Duck's right!" Jack remarked. "You haven't even mentioned what the supporting cast is doing while we're dialoging!" Nuku-Nuku, Sable, and the orc guy, meanwhile, were passing around a bowl of popcorn (no, it's best not to ask where they got it from [Orville Redenbacher, actually]) while watching the events unfold. "...That's better." ::Right.:: Jack looked up into the now-fuschia sky. "So, what now? How are you gonna end this one?" It was at that point that the fourth wall exploded. Flaming destructive chunks of that thin wall between fantasy and reality (subjectively speaking, anyway) rained down on the Multiverse, destroying everything. *****THE END***** "COP-OUT!!!" Jack yelled. ::....Fine.:: Except for the fact that, as Jack was a god, he was exceptionally hard to kill. And, of course, the same went for his avatars and loyal followers. So perhaps the Controversy would continue, after all.... ******************* Author's Notes: I'm very, very sorry. *Bows in apology* But when your computer is on the fritz and exams in three classes loom, creativity tends to go waaaaay down. The SI bit was inspired by other bad SIs and a desperation to finish. This chapter, BTW, was finished 45 minutes before the 'deadline'. I am now aware of why the deadline is referred to thusly. Various rip-offs....er, homages, are from Douglas Adams, Monty Python, and Salvador Dali. And I do NOT apologize if you like Kevin Costner movies. Write your own chapter mocking Kevin Smith, and we'll call it even, k? ^_^ Anyway, I'm not entirely satisfied with this. But, as no one else has bothered to sign up in the queue *coughcoughSLACKERS*cough*, it'll do. If anyone does bother signing up, you have your out. Otherwise....the series I really liked went out with a poor little pitiful whimper, so PLEASE sign up! Mr. Duck thanks you in advance for it. --MBP, 10/31/01