Otaku Wish-Fulfillment Theater
by Scott Schimmel

Chapter 1: Chibi Or Not Chibi... That, And The Quest's On!

@_@

"Hey, look!" enthused Dan Mastriani.  "It's the
Bludgeons and Flagons ride!"

How a group as disparate as this one had ended up at an
all but abandoned carnival in the middle of nowhere, even
they weren't sure.  It was almost as though they had been
dropped straight into the middle of a story by an author too
impatient or too unskilled to dwell very much upon the
niceties of backstory and continuity.  But of course, that
would be silly.  And it wouldn't have changed the fact that
the six of them were there.

"I don't even like amusement parks that much," Steve
Scougall remarked.  "I have no idea why I'm at one. 
Particularly one that's not even on the same continent as my
home."  Conveniently, he was largely ignored.

Scott Schimmel was gazing wistfully at the ride Dan had
pointed out.  "I used to love that cartoon when I was a
kid..."

"Me too.  Hey, do you remember the video game?"

"Which one?  There were two just on the
Intellivision..."

"Why don't we take a ride, then?" Ardweden asked.  A
valiant and, as it happened, successful attempt to redirect
the conversation before it degenerated into an hours-long
discussion of ancient video games.

Steve studied the gaudy, but faded, facade with a
skeptical eye.  "Is that really a good idea?  What if,
through some freak occurrence, the coaster were to fall
through a portal into a magical alternate reality, where
we'd be stuck searching for a way back home?"

Everyone paused for a moment and looked at him.

"That's pretty silly, Steve.  Even for you," Illyria
admonished.

"Yeah!" the other half of Team K, Kate Malloy, chimed
in.  "Who would want to come home?"

Everyone else sweatdropped.

"I'm just saying..."

Kate clapped her hands joyfully.  "Look!  There's no
line!"

"Convenient," Steve muttered.

"Aww, c'mon.  It'll be fun!"  Kate promptly dragged him
forward, stopping just short of stuffing him bodily into the
roller coaster by brute force.

Scott shrugged.  "Good enough for me.  You do worry too
much, Steve."

The others, led by Dan, followed.  Once they had all
climbed into the coaster, the ride started itself.  A
development, incidentally, which only Steve noticed.  But,
locked into place by his seat bar, he was unable to vacate.

Needless to say, Stuff began to Happen.

@_@

"Owww..."  Arwen woke up.  And blinked.  "Where... are
we?"

"I hate to say 'I told you so,'" Steve lied.  "But..."

"We seem to have fallen through a portal into an
alternate reality," Illyria finished.  "Probably a magical
one.  That's the way these stories seem to work."

"Yeah," Scott agreed.  "What are the odds, huh?"

"Hey, Steve?" Dan asked hesitantly.  "Since when did
you have purple hair?"

"Since when did *you* have eyes the size of saucers?"
Arwen asked.  She blinked at herself.  Something wasn't
quite right.  Beyond the obvious, that is.

"My god," Kate breathed.  "We're... *animated*."

"Oh.  That explains the landscape, then."  The rolling
hills, high, craggy mountains, and other typical
high-fantasy fixtures were a bit too good to be true, now
that they mentioned it.

"Indeed," came a thin, high-pitched, annoying voice.

"Oh, no," Dan muttered.  "Don't tell me..."

A short, red- and blue-clad man -- no, boy, really --
stepped around a large rock that had been lying conveniently
close to the group, even though the description of the
setting hadn't mentioned it previously.

"Who the--" Scott began.

"I am the Pokemon Master," Ash declaimed.  "Your guide
to the world of Bludgeons and Flagons, which has nothing to
do with any properties owned by Wizards of the Coast,
honest, so please don't sue."

Illyria stared blankly.  "Please tell me this is an
elaborate joke."

"Um, no, it's not.  Sorry," Ash said.

"In that case, I'm afraid I'm going to have to hurt you
very badly now."

"Hey," Kate realized.  "If he's here, then--"

"--Team Rocket must be, too!" Illyria finished
excitedly.  Eyes sparkling in the finest shoujo tradition,
she whirled on Ash, who shrank back.  "Tell us where they
are!"

"Um... wouldn't you rather know why you're here?"

"No!"

Dan held up one hand, bravely interposing himself
between Illyria and Ash, risking serious bodily injury in
the process.  "Wait, we'd better listen.  This might be
important."

"Well... all right.  But I get to make him talk later."

Dan shrugged.  "Fine with me."  He wasn't, after all, a
*complete* idiot.

"Talk fast," Arwen suggested.

"Well..."  Ash nodded vigorously.  "The first thing you
have to know is that your ImproPowers won't work here."

Steve frowned, closing his eyes for a moment.  "He's
right.  My martial arts aren't working."

"Oh," Arwen mused.  "So that's why my name changed. 
I've been Normalized.  Wah!"

"...I don't think I'll test my serial immortality,"
Scott said.

Kate chuckled.  "Probably a good idea."

"So... we're normal.  Except for being animated.  That
makes no sense," Illyria groused.

Ash shrugged.  "Blame the writer."

"Pardon me?"

"Er, sorry.  I tend to forget what a pain the fourth
wall can be to those who aren't completely immune."

"Whatever," Scott complained, "just get to the point. 
Why are we here?"

"That's a question that's intrigued scholars, sages,
and philosophers for centuries," Ash replied.  "Personally,
I--"

"All in favor of letting Illy have him?" Scott asked
innocently.

"...Of course, if you mean here and now, well... you
seem to have fallen through a massive (but, unfortunately
for you, transitory) gaping plot hole.  That, plus the
forces of irony, are all that was needed to make you end up
here."

"Since when is Ash so intellectual?" Steve muttered to
Dan, who only shrugged in reply.

"As to what you're going to do here... the laws of
Dramatic Necessity say that there must be a Quest.  In your
case, you must discover the locations of, and then acquire,
the legendary Seven Seals of Maguffin.  The gate to your
world shall reopen only when all seven are in your
possession and you place them upon the Altar of Plot
Structure," the diminutive Pokemon Master exposited.

"Seven lost treasures?" Kate asked.  "That could take a
while..."

"Especially without our ImproPowers," Steve dutifully
pointed out.

Ash grinned self-confidently.  "I came to help with
that, actually.  With my Pokemon Master powers, I'll grant
each of you a magical weapon, which will in turn bestow upon
you the abilities of an Anime Archetype!  If you master the
artifacts, they will help you in your quest."

"Just like the cartoon," Dan said.

"I'm not sure it's a good idea," Arwen mumbled.

"Do we have a choice?" Steve asked rhetorically.

"All right, here we go!"  Ash threw one hand into the
air, revealing a glowing silver-colored Pokeball in his
palm.  With that same annoying grin, he shouted out,
"ImproAuthors, I choose you!"  A spectrum of light flashed
from the cheap plastic-looking orb, striking each of the
group in turn as Ash listed:  "Ninja!  Bishounen!  Martial
Artist!  Mecha!  Sidekick!  And Magical Girl!"

And where the light struck, Artifacts of Great and
Mysterious Magical Power, identifiable by their trademark
Glowing Prismatic Auras, solidified.

A pair of silver bracers encircled Arwen's forearms. 
"Huh?" she murmured, taken off balance.

"Ack!" Kate acked, struggling against a piece of cloth
as it attempted to wrap itself around her lower face,
half-mask-style.  The cloth won.

"Hmm."  Dan eyed his new belt buckle with suspicion. 
It was white and not quite octagonal, and it sported a
large, shiny red circular button on its front.  And it
looked rather like...  "Is this thing plastic?"

A white bandanna settled onto Steve's head, doing
absolutely nothing to remedy the messiness of his hair. 
After a brief and futile attempt to glance up at it, he
shrugged and waited.

"Well.  This is... unexpectedly normal."  Illyria
tugged at the lapels of the black trenchcoat which had
settled over her shoulders.

Scott arched an eyebrow, thoughtfully regarding the
silver and sapphire ring on his finger.  "Er... o-kay..."

Then, for a moment, there was silence.

"I don't feel any more powerful," Dan said finally.

"Oh, yeah."  Ash sheepishly rubbed the back of his
head.  "I almost forgot to activate them."  He cleared his
throat and authoritatively stated, "A winner is you!"

The six vict-- er, protagonists, gripped by an
inexplicable urge, chanted in unison:  "All your magic are
belong to us."

As the words were spoken, the artifacts' Glowing
Prismatic Auras spread to engulf their new owners.

@_@

Red.  Dan stepped out of the light, clad in a full-body
red and white rubber-and-plastic suit, matching helmet in
one hand.  The suit had wings and curlicues and little
circuitry-looking widgets and, best of all, big barrels for
weapons all over it.  It was like Mazinger Z, if Mazinger Z
were six feet tall, plastic, red and white, and decidedly
low-budget.  It was like a Power Ranger, if... it was like a
Power Ranger.

@_@

Orange.  Ardweden, blissfully ab-Normal once again,
stepped forward, wearing the bracers, an orangish blousey
shirt, white pants, and black slipperlike shoes.  The final
touch:  a black belt.  She blinked at her outfit and began
giggling uncontrollably at herself.

@_@

Yellow.  Illyria's hair had grown a few shades lighter
and two feet longer, which fact was readily apparent as a
phantom breeze sprung out of nowhere, causing hair and
trenchcoat alike to flutter in a striking fashion.  The hilt
of an absurdly long, slender, curved sword peeked over one
shoulder.  Otherwise, she looked no different.

@_@

Green.  Steve appeared exactly the same as he had
before the lightshow.  "What?" he murmured.  "That's it?"

@_@

Blue.  Kate was nearly unrecognizable, swathed in black
from head to toe, save for a small area around her eyes.  A
short sword was sheathed at her belt, and her outfit gave
the impression that several other surprises were up her
sleeve.  Among other places.

@_@

Violet.  Scott was...

"Why," he asked slowly, "am I wearing a skirt?"

The others stared at him.

"I think that's the least of your problems," Kate
suggested delicately.

Scott looked down at himself.  "Oh, yeah.  Why the
stiletto heels?"

Kate facefaulted.  "...Not that."

Scott looked closer.  And blinked.  "Um.  Oh.  Dear."

He was wearing something that resembled a black leotard
with a hot pink skirt, the aforementioned stiletto heels,
and a thin silver tiara.  He was also... well, not exactly
he, any more.

"I'd expect a bigger reaction," Steve commented.

Scott fainted.

"Ah.  Much better."

@_@

It must have been only a moment later that Scott
reawakened, for the plot had not progressed visibly.  "He's
awake," Kate reported, for the benefit of those who were
characters and unable to read the narration.  Then she
corrected herself.  "Er, she's awake... it's awake?"

"I'm not an it," Scott said flatly, pressing one hand
to her temple.

"Sorry.  English isn't exactly designed to handle
pronouns for you or Illyria."

Dan looked up from examining his new armor,
doubletaking.  "Illyria?"  He leaned forward, peering
closely at Illyria's face, and shook his head.  "That's a
guy?  No way..."

Illyria shrugged silently and continued brooding. 
Brood, brood, brood.

"Hey, wait a minute... how come she got bishounen, and
I got magical girl?  Shouldn't that be the other way
around?"  Scott glared dangerously at Ash.

"Aheheh..."  The self-proclaimed Pokemon master rubbed
the back of his head.  "Well, you see... it has to do with
an imbalance of cosmic forces governing--"

"Basically, you messed up?" Ardweden innocently
interrupted.

"Well..."

"Incompetent," Illyria murmured.

"Hey, it could've happened to any plot device character
with vast but nebulous powers!" Ash protested.  "Besides,
magic is magic.  Just wait'll you hear how those things
work!"

"Just what we need," Steve chipped in sardonically. 
"More exposition."

"...I'll make it quick."

"Yeah, right," Dan drawled.

Ash arched an eyebrow, turning toward him.  "You,
Mecha, need only touch the red button and strike a
ridiculous-looking pose, and your suit will appear.  I
recommend the President Nixon victory pose--"

"VICTOLY!" Dan shouted, posing.

Sweatdropping, Ash continued.  "Close enough.  Your
mecha will grant you enhanced strength, night vision, a
variety of projectile attacks, and of course armor."

"Kind of small for a mecha, isn't it?  It's more like a
sentai character's battlesuit..."

"Well, the Ancients had a limited budget.  Oh, I nearly
forgot:  You'll transform for only one hour at a time, and
once you turn back, the device takes an hour to recharge."

"I don't stay like this?  Damn."

"You, Martial Artist," Ash said, ignoring the
newly-made mecha/sentai, "now possess inhuman levels of
strength, speed, stamina, skill, and other characteristics
beginning with the letter S, so long as you wear the
bracers.  As you master your new abilities through combat,
you should develop extraordinary secret techniques."

"But I don't wanna fight people!" Ardweden wailed.

Ash facefaulted.  "I'm starting to wonder about you
people..."

"Join the club," Steve cheerfully answered.  "So, other
than being a fairly hideous fashion statement, what does my
bandanna do?"

"Ah.  You, Sidekick, are the most flexible.  You have
only to choose a profession, and, if a member of that
profession is nearby, kanji will appear on the bandana.  And
you," he concluded triumphantly, "will gain beginner-level
powers appropriate to that job!"

"Oh, great.  I'm the designated comic relief."

"You can switch as often as you like.  Although if you
do it more than once a minute or so, the conflicting
knowledge will probably give you a headache."

"Talk about cognitive dissonance," Scott cracked.

"You, Magical Girl--"

"Don't call me that."

"--will display enhanced reflexes and agility, along
with a variety of magical effects triggered by short yet
often-ludicrous incantations.  You will also be able to
transform from or revert to a normal girl at will."

Scott's eyebrow twitched.  "Normal *girl*?"

"Consistency.  You, Ninja--"

"Meep!"  Kate jumped.  Fifteen feet straight up.

"--now possess inhuman speed, coordination, and
stealth, along with a fair knowledge of swordsmanship.  You
can tap your powers by pulling the half-mask over your
mouth, which will also summon your costume.  You can return
to your normal clothing by removing the mask."

Kate promptly did so.  "That's kind of weird."

Finally, Ash turned to Illyria.  "And you, Bishounen,
possess--"

"Let me guess.  Dramatic posing, rose conjuring, and of
course a really big sword," Illyria finished.

"Um, yes.  You'll also be able to boost your strength
and speed in certain circumstances -- when you're very
angry, or in mortal danger.  You'll know when this happens
because your trenchcoat will turn plaid."

A brief silence reigned as the collective authors
assimilated this information.

"Plaid?"  Illyria finally asked.

"Don't ask me.  I don't make the silly things, I just
hand them out."

"So," Scott asked, "is there anything else we should
know about all this?"

"Well... I'd recommend you start by travelling to the
kingdom of Illyria, a--"

"Hey," Illyria protested laconically, "that's my name. 
Who told them they could use it?"

"--a two-day journey north from here.  Their king may
know something that could aid you."

Illyria, ignored, began to brood about his name and its
misappropriation by a generic fantasy-anime kingdom.

"I hate Fetch Quests," Dan remarked.

"Well, as long as we're stuck here, we might as well,"
Kate said.  An unbiased observer might have noticed she
seemed unusually cheerful about the prospect.  The other
authors didn't, though.  They were still all busy pondering
their recent changes.

"And aside from that?" Scott asked impatiently.

"Hmm," Steve remarked, to nobody in particular.  "You
don't suppose Scott is going to..."

Ash thought for a minute, and shrugged.  "Nothing I can
think of."

A tight smile crept across Scott's face.  "Good. 
GRATUITOUS OVERKILL OBLITERATION!"  She snapped her hand
forward.  The ring flashed.  A flare of white momentarily
blocked out everything else.  Then it was gone.  And so was
Ash.  And the conveniently-placed rock he'd stepped out from
behind.  And the nearest mountain of the distant range.

"Oh," said Steve.  "I guess she is."

Scott clapped her hands together.  "Maybe there are
some positive aspects to this, after all."

"No fair.  I wanted to be the one to hurt him," Illyria
mumbled, heaving a dramatic sigh.

"Tell you what, you can be the one to wipe out the next
anime crossover character who annoys us."

Illyria sighed.  "Thanks," he said morosely, "but it
won't be the same."

@_@

"So now what?" Ardweden wondered out loud.

The group was seated around their campfire beneath a
star-sprinkled night sky.  They probably didn't need a
campfire, considering how warm it was, but, as Dan had
pointed out, it was traditional.  You couldn't have a
camping scene without a campfire to sit around.  So the
group collectively shrugged and built one.

"I still say we should look for Team Rocket," Illyria
murmured.

Dan shifted, staring into the fire.  Fires were good
for that.  "I don't know... we were given these weapons for
a reason, right?"

"Well, no, not really.  It just sort of happened."

"Maybe," Dan continued, as if he hadn't heard the
interruption, "we should look for these Maguffins."

"I thought you hated Fetch Quests," Steve pointed out.

"Yeah, but I still feel kind of guilty."

"If you ignore those feelings long enough, they usually
go away," Illyria noted with a brief smile.

"Why feel guilty?" Kate asked sensibly, concurring. 
"We didn't ask for these powers... exactly.  I still can't
believe he made a klutz like me a ninja."

"That's right," Ardweden non-specifically agreed,
drawing a suspicious glare from Kate.  "And I still don't
wanna fight people.  And I want my lute back.  I miss it."

"I don't see why I have to be the sidekick.  That's not
even much of an Archetype, when you look at it."

"That's nothing," Scott said.  "At least you don't have
breasts."

"Actually, you're surprisingly flat by anime
standards."

"Oh, shut up."

"You think that's bad?" Illyria asked.  "I've got--"

"Illyria!" Kate hissed, blushing fiercely.

"--a splitting headache.  What, Kate?"

"Nothing," she muttered, from her comfy new spot on the
ground.  Illyria shrugged wordlessly and hunched toward the
fire, -- wait for it -- brooding.

Ardweden glanced across the flames at Dan.  "Well?"

"Well what?"

"Aren't you gonna complain about your weapon now?"

He shrugged.  "I kind of like mine, actually.  I'm a
sentai fan.  Can we get back to what we're going to do
next?"

Steve dug his toe into the ground, considering the
options.  "We're halfway to Illyria--"

"Please don't call it that."

"Sorry, Illy.  But that is its name.  Anyway, we're
halfway there, if Ash was right."

"Big if," Illyria noted.

"Granted.  But still, we might as well go and talk to
the king."

Nodding, Kate added, "I think we should do the quest." 
She grinned.  "It'll be fun!  Just like an RPG!"

"I hope it's not one of the ones where a character dies
in the middle."  Ardweden shuddered.

"Me, too," Steve added fervently, "because, considering
our archetypes, it'd probably be me."

"If it's a chance to get home and get back to normal,
I'm in," Scott stated.

"Aww, but you look so cute."

"Don't even go there, Kate.  I'm still a guy."  He
blinked.  "Oh, great, now I sound like Ranma."

"Ah, lighten up," Dan said.  "Illyria isn't complaining
nearly so much."

"He's bishounen, though," Ardweden noted.  "They
usually don't complain."

"That doesn't mean he -- she -- likes it," Scott
argued, energetically bounding to her feet.  "So it's
settled!" she exclaimed in a mighty leap of logic.  "First
thing in the morning..."  Bracing one foot on a largish
rock, she swung her arm around to point dramatically toward
the horizon.  Or where the horizon would be, if it were
daytime and they could see farther than ten feet from the
fire.  "...We set out for Illyria!"

Dead silence.  That was not the response he'd hoped to
evoke.

"Um, Scott?  Two things," Kate ventured.

"Yes?"

"First, you're pointing south.  Illyria is the other
way."

"Oh."  Scott sheepishly lowered her hand.  "I knew
that.  And second?"

"Second, you really shouldn't strike that pose when
you're wearing a skirt that short," Kate delicately
suggested.

Scott facefaulted.

@_@

"I think it's just up ahead," Dan said.  He had elected
himself navigator on the grounds that nobody else had wanted
the job.

The report was greeted by a chorus of weary murmurs. 
The group had been marching cross-country for much of the
day, travelling over ground that was often rougher than its
idyllic appearance would suggest.  Aside from Ardweden, who
benefitted from her bracers' powers, and Illyria, who
remained as bishounen-ishly inscrutable as ever, they were
all quite tired.  And the discovery, late in the day, that,
all this time, they had been walking parallel to and barely
500 feet away from a nice, flat, stone-paved road didn't
improve their tempers.

"I think you're right.  There's some sort of spire over
there, you can see the top just over that hill."  Scott had
de-transformed and was now (much to her relief) wearing
jeans, a t-shirt, and sneakers.

"Want to check it out, Kate?" Steve suggested.

"Me?"

"You're the ninja.  That makes you ideal for the job,
right?"

"Oh.  I guess so."  She smiled.  "Sure, why not?"  With
that, she slipped her half-mask over her face.  As soon as
the ninja garb appeared, her body blurred and vanished.

Dan whistled.  "That was pretty cool."

Nodding, Steve wondered, "How long do you think
she'll--"

"Okay, I'm back," Kate said cheerfully, stepping
forward out of nowhere.

"--take.  Oh.  Not very."

"There's a big town up there," Kate reported, removing
the mask once again.  "The spire you saw is the tallest
building, probably a church or something.  The castle's just
beyond the town."

"Great!" Dan said.  "What are we waiting for?"

Ardweden looked up at the darkening sky.  "Morning?"

"...Good point."

"Every RPG town's got an inn," Illyria suggested.  "We
could stay there until morning."

"Except that they like money," Dan pointed out, "and we
have none."

A secretive half-smile flickered across the bishounen's
face as he pulled a small bag from the pocket of his coat. 
"Most RPG parties start out with a bit of gold, too, or
whatever passes for currency.  And since we already have
weapons..."

"We're all set," Steve finished.  Then, because he was
the practical sort at heart, he added, "For a couple of
days."

"If we're lucky.  Capitals tend to be expensive places,
in our world."

"Nobody likes a cynic, Scott."

"At least I'm rarely disappointed."

@_@

The city itself was rather large, fitting for a
capital, and, as Ardweden remarked, surprisingly clean. 
Night was falling, and, since many of the stores had already
closed, the streets weren't crowded.  The same couldn't be
said of the several taverns the group passed, however,
jusging by the noise emanating from within.

The first inn they came to was a relatively grand (by
this city's standards) four-story edifice just off the
city's central plaza.  Its sign, swaying in the gentle
evening breeze, proclaimed it the "Dew Drop Inn", thus
proving that bad taste and bad puns alike are not only
universal, but indeed omni-versal.  They stared at the sign
for a long moment.

"No," Dan finally said.  "Just no."  Nobody chose to
argue.

"One second," Steve interjected, pointing across the
square to a man sitting by the ornamental fountain.  "I want
to ask him about the church first."

"Good idea," Kate concurred.  "With our luck, it'd be
just like the one in Legacy..."

"Quite."  By now, the group had approached the young
man, and Steve nodded politely to him.  "Hello there.  We're
new here, and--"

"Welcome to the capital of Illyria!" he enthused.

"Thank you.  We were wondering whether you might--"

"Welcome to the capital of Illyria!"

"Er.  Yes..."  Steve chuckled nervously.

"Welcome to the capital of Illyria!"

"Um..."

"Welcome to the capital of Illyria!"

"I give up."

"Welcome to the capital of Illyria!"

"Like a really *old* RPG," Illyria whispered.

"That's true.  I guess we should feel lucky that we
have a day and night," Dan pointed out.

"You'll have to excuse Jared," another voice wheezed
from behind them.  "He's a bit touched."

Steve turned to face an old man with a bushy grey
beard.  "I see."

"We were just curious about that big building,"
Ardweden explained, pointing.

"That?  That's the temple of the Goddess, of course. 
You must've come a long way if you don't know that."

Dan smirked.  "You could say that."

The old man shrugged.  "Time to go, Jared," he told the
boy, who obediently stood and welcomed him to the capital.

"Wait!" Ardweden called after the two.  "Which
goddess?"

"The Goddess of Destruction, baby!" he answered over
his shoulder.

Ardweden's eyebrow twitched dangerously.  "If he wasn't
so old," she muttered under her breath, "I'd whap him for
that."

Illyria looked at the distant structure appraisingly. 
"Goddess of...  You don't suppose..."

"Nah.  Gotta be a coincidence."

"I guess," Illyria replied.  But she didn't sound
convinced.

@_@

Morning dawned with the suddenness of a section break. 
Dan sat up in bed, stretched, and turned toward his roommate
Steve.  "Man, I had the weirdest dream."

"mrphmxlg," Steve replied, rolling over.

"I dreamed we all got pulled into this alternate world,
and I was a sentai hero," Dan continued, cheerfully
oblivious to Steve's lack of caring.

"That's because we did, and you are, remember?"  Steve
reluctantly cracked open one eye.  Obviously, he wasn't
going to get any more sleep this morning.

"Wait.  That was real?"

"Afraid so."  He yawned sleepily.

"Cool!"  Dan eagerly looked around the room.  "But,
wait... I don't see Megumi Hayashibara anywhere..."

"Okay, that part really was a dream."

"Damn.  And I thought we--"

"I don't want to know."

@_@

After breakfast, the group headed out of town, toward
the castle.  Castle Illyria ("Please stop calling it that,"
murmured Illyria) was a picturesque late-Renaissance-style
structure, with sprawling granite walls, bedecked with a
myriad of tall, round towers topped by colorful pennons,
bearing crenellations on every horizontal surface, and
boasting a gaping drawbridge-portcullis assembly.  Why it
had a drawbridge when there was no moat, or even a ditch,
they didn't care to guess.  It seemed to be there just
because everybody knew that's the way castles were built,
and if it was expected, it had to be there.  Much like the
pair of armored guards standing at either side of the
portal.

"Halt," the taller of the two guards said, sounding
more bored than intimidating.  "State your business."

"We're here to see the king," Ardweden chirped.

The guards exchanged long-suffering glances.  "Do you
have an appointment?" the tall one asked.

"What?"

"Can't see the king without an appointment," the short
one helpfully explained.  "New rule."

"Medieval-fantasy countries aren't supposed to have
bureaucracy or appointments or stuff!" Kate protested.  The
guards stared at her.  "Well, they're not," she added
meekly, ducking behind Steve to escape the scrutiny.

"King's orders," Tall said, shrugging.

Illyria stepped forward from the group, gazing coolly
at the pair.  "We're the destined heroes," he said, the
words quiet but forceful, almost seeming to echo in the air. 
A gust of wind obligingly sprang up out of nowhere, causing
his trenchcoat to flutter.

The guards looked at each other again.  "Well, that's
different, then," Shorty allowed.  "Go ahead in."

"I can't believe that worked," Scott said, once the
group had done just that.

"Never underestimate the power of a good dramatic
pose," Illyria answered smugly.

"I wonder what the king's like?" Kate began to babble. 
"If it's like an RPG again, he'll either be a good guy who
wants to help us, or a bad guy who wants to take over the
world or something.  Or he could be a bad guy pretending to
be good.  Or maybe a misguided good guy who's doing bad
things, or else a guy who's basically good but just selfish,
and we have to teach him the error of his ways.  Or maybe he
could be--"

"Hola," someone said, as they entered the throne room.

"Ravi?" Kate gasped in shock, ending her soliloquy.

"Oh.  Hey, guys."

"What are you doing here?" Steve asked.  "You weren't
on the coaster..."

Ravi shrugged.  "I woke up, I was here, I was king. 
End of story."

"You're taking it pretty well," Dan observed.

"Hey, there are lots of worse ways to wake up," Ravi
said, grinning.  "So what're all of you doing here?"

They told him.

"You're not kidding, are you?"  Collectively, they
shook their heads.  "Hm.  Sounds like a tough job, all
right.  I can help you a bit with supplies, but it seems to
me that you mostly need information, and I don't have any."

"There's got to be something," Scott prodded. 
"Otherwise, we wouldn't have been told to talk to you. 
Right?"

"Well... maybe I know where you could get some.  If you
went to visit the Oracle at Delfi, she's supposed to know
almost everything."

"Delphi?"

"No, Delfi."

"Hey!" Ardweden interrupted.  "Aren't you going to come
with us?"

"I don't think I can.  I've got a country to rule, you
know."

"But don't you want to go home?" Steve asked.

Ravi considered that.  "Well, if I go home, I can get
back to work on the ten impro parts I'm up for... that'd be
nice.  On the other hand, if I stay here, there's the power,
the money, the dancing girls, my own private army, the royal
treasures, the dancing girls, the servants, the land, the
dancing girls, this nifty crown, and the adoration of my
subjects."

"And dancing girls?" Kate asked sarcastically.

"That too," Ravi agreed, grinning.  "This is indeed a
difficult decision."

"We get the idea," Illyria murmured.

"But listen, I'll help out if I can.  Just let me know
how.  And you guys are welcome to drop by any time.  We'll
have a banquet and proclaim a national holiday in your
honor, or something.  Sound good?"

"That sounds like fun," Ardweden agreed.  "Do I get a
medal or anything?"

"Sure," he responded, gesturing expansively.  "A really
shiny one."

"Wai!  Shiny!"

"Er... sorry," Kate interrupted.  "But... where exactly
is this Delfi?"

"Ah.  Right.  It's west of here, by the ocean.  That's
a pretty long walk, but you look like you should be able to
handle it.  There's nothing too dangerous around here, as
far as I know..."

"Goblins, imps, and/or slimes, right?" Illyria asked.

"Pretty much.  You've got the idea, anyway.  Oh,
speaking of shiny medals... here, take this, Ria-sama."  So
saying, he handed her a large bronze amulet.  "Royal sign. 
Illyria's--"

"Don't call it that."

"Hai, Ria-sama.  Forgive me.  Anyway, it's a pretty
small country, but that might come in handy while you're
here.  You can bluff guards, bully mayors, skip to the front
of long lines... you know, that sort of thing."

Dan grinned.  "Cool."

"I like to think so."

"If it's that far, we should really head out," Kate
suggested.  "While it's still early."

"Sure you don't want to stay the night?"

"I think Kate's right," Scott said.  "The sooner we get
this over with, the better."  And, after a bit of argument,
and heartfelt pleading from Kate, the rest of the group
agreed.

"Later, guys.  Take care," Ravi said, waving to the six
as they walked away.  When they had gone, he sighed
dramatically to himself.  "I wonder whether I did the right
thing by staying behind.  I guess I have a responsibility to
the kingdom now, but somehow... I feel like something's
missing..."  Then he cheered up as a thought occurred to
him.

At his call, a servant came rushing in.  "Yes,
Majesty?"

"Send in the dancing girls," Ravi told him.

"At once, Majesty."  He hastily departed.

Ravi grinned.  "It's good to be the king."

@_@

Far away, in a shadowy realm, a shadowy figure stood
deep in the shadows of a shadowy chamber.  And cursed
softly.  "Where did I leave that lantern?" wondered a voice
that could not be identified with certainty as either male
or female because the author was blatantly leaving the job
of deciding exactly who this figure was up to somebody else.

Soon, the figure tired of looking for the misplaced
light source.  "Shadow demon," it hissed.  "Come, make your
report."

From the shadows, a shadowy form (a different one, that
is) stepped forward.  Its silhouette was that of a fairly
tall, cloaked man.  A small, smug smile was barely visible
through the shadows.  "I do have a name, you know," the
newcomer chided, his voice mild and very amused.

"Yes, but it sounds more sinister this way.  Leave me
my dramatics, will you?"

"If you insist."

"Your report?" the original, androgynous shadowy figure
prodded.

"Oh yes!  I'd almost forgotten.  Everything is going
according to plan so far," the shadow demon stated. 
"Well... almost everything."

"What's wrong?"

The faint smile grew just a bit.  "That... is a
secret."  In response, a flicker of shadowy lightning,
oxymoronic as it might seem, flickered briefly around the
androgyne's hand.  "My, aren't we touchy?"  The demon
chuckled.  "All right, then.  One of them liked his
artifact."

"Hmm.  Well, it can't be helped now.  At least they
should prove very... entertaining.  Wouldn't you agree,
Xelloss?"

"It should be interesting to see what their next move
will be," the mazoku answered neutrally.  And as he tossed a
scorched red and white baseball cap from hand to hand, his
smile was cold indeed.

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"  The first figure threw back its
head, and loud, malevolent laughter echoed throughout the
shadowy realms, as it had been wont to do for the past
little while.  Until the shadowy figure, moving slightly in
the shadowy darkness, stubbed its toe against an unseen
shadowy shape.  "...Ow.  Damn, I wish I had a flashlight."

@_@

Author's notes:  Yes, it's utterly non-serious.  You
wouldn't believe how much fun I had writing this.  The idea
came to me after one long night on chat, and just wouldn't
let go... so here it is.

I'd like to thank the following people for allowing me to
insert their avatars, either directly or via not-very-
veiled reference:  Dan M., Illyria, Ardweden, Kate, Steve,
Ravi, and Todd.  Ash and Xelloss, of course, were borrowed
without permission.


Scott Schimmel            Ex ignorantia ad sapientium;
                          Ex luce ad tenebras
"You really aren't normal, are you?" - Miki Koishikawa