Otaku Wish Fulfillment Theatre
Started by Mein Scott en Schimmel!

Chapter 8: 
Death and Destruction ...That and the Realities of an Author More Focused on
the Olympics

H_H

Our Intrepid Heroes woke up the next day and left De Gemmel forever. This is 
all well and good because five minutes later a passing monster (to be seen 
again at some point in the future for some pithy reason, like revenge for 
what it is about to do) decided to take a stroll down main street... and 
every other street... and on top of every building... and...

Well, to put it lightly, De Gemmel was out of the running in any skyscraper 
contests for a long time. The population density experienced a massive drop, 
too.

But that's all completely beside the point.

It is, now, anyway.

For death and destruction closer to the plot at hand, the group happened to 
pass over a rise and what did they see before them?

...

No, really, what was it? I'm needing a bit of help here.

Kate looked up and blinked. "Did you hear something?" she asked.

Scott hastilly dropped the flower crown she'd been putting together and trod 
on it. "Sorry? What was that?" she asked.

"I wondered if you'd heard some... Nevermind. Illyria? Did you..." The dual-
susp^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H ninja girl trailed off, getting caught up in the wai 
wai yummi presence of the resident bishounen as the wind caught his long, 
silky hair and blew it dashingly from his shoulders.

"What was that?" he asked, narrowing his eyes just a tad, so that they 
glinted darkly at Kate.

She opened her mouth to respond, and found that she couldn't. "I... I... 
that is... uh, nothing." Then she frowned. What had she been thinking, this 
was Illyria, she reminded herself.

Illyria shrugged. Then a frown creased his smooth features. "I smell 
something."

Kate's nose perked up immediately. Her hyper-keen Mad Wind Ninja Sensez 
picked up the scent immediately. "It's smoke. Something's burning!"

"What is it?" Steve asked.

"Hmm... breakfast," Kate answered. "Eggs, free range chicken. Grade AA. Ham, 
too. Freshly cut. Oranges."

"Food?" Dan perked up. "Can we go an eat?"

"I'm not finished yet." Kate waved him down and sniffed again. "Wood. A bit 
of scorched metal and brick..."

Ardweden nodded. "A nice old-fashioned oven, right?"

"And horses."

"..." The rest of the group blinked.

"Horses?" Scott asked. "Why would anyone want to cook horses? They're 
wonderful!" She stopped. "Uh... that is... I mean... nevermind."

The rest of the group sweatdropped.

"Sooooo..." Dan interjected. "Someone's in trouble?"

Kate nodded. "It would seem so. Just over that rise." She pointed.

And with that our intrepid heroes rode off over the hill and down into the 
valley beyond where they trounced the bad guys, saved the princess, and got 
a really good meal to boot.

No... that's not right. We need to extend this out a bit longer. Besides, 
they don't even have horses, do they?

"Did you hear something?" Kate asked Illyria as they walked up the hill.

The bishounen frowned. "No." He went back to brooding.

The six crested the rise and stared at the horror below them. A small 
farmstead was in smoking ruins. Animals slaughtered, crops burned. The small 
farmhouse flamed stupendously. (And at some point would have been asked to 
become a residence in San Francisco, but that would be an off-color joke, so 
it won't appear in this story.)

A man held a child in his arms. A girl who hung limply and quietly, one hand 
in the dust twitching just slightly. Elsewhere a woman screamed. And a group 
of goblins tromped around and destroyed little stuff, because it just would 
not do to destroy big stuff this early in the scene.

"Repetitive animation," Steve said, surveying the carnage.

"... WHAT?" Ard spun on him.

He pointed at the rising smoke. "The animation is repeating. This is low 
budget stuff."

Kate nodded knowingly. "Ah. Just a minor side-quest, then."

"Well, whatever, we can't bypass it!" Ard stomped her foot. "So lets go down 
there and help them!"

"Right on!" Dan raised a fist. "VICTOLY!" And he transformed into his uber-
nifty-awesome-cool-(but-not-as-cool-as-Noriko) Mecha Version! (Collect all 
twelve figures.)

Kate pulled up her ninja cowl, Ardweden tightened her fists, and Illyria 
whipped out his sword. The three of them followed Dan as he charged into the 
battle.

Steve looked at Scott. Scott looked at Steve. "I'm going to copy one of 
them," Steve said after a moment. He narrowed his eyes and focused. "Martial 
Artist." And with that his sigil glowed, his battle aura flared blazing 
maroon, and he charged off behind the first five.

Scott sighed. "The universe hates me."

And there was light. (and a nekkid magical girl, but that's really beside 
the point, unless you're one of them sickos who gets off on this sorta 
thing... Yes, you, third computer back on the left. I saw your fingers 
twitch towards your crotch. What would Scott think if he knew that you 
thought that way about her? Don't you think you objectify women enough? I've 
got your number, pal. I may just call your mom... Better drop those Anna 
Kournikova pics ASAP.)

Our intrepid heroes entered the battle. Five Goblins and a Dark Dwarf were 
arrayed against them. Kate charged forward. Upon seeing her, the Dark Dwarf 
stepped back behind the relative cover of a fencepost.

Illyria cut wide, to start to flank the goblins. Ardweden mirrored her move 
on the other side.

"Up... Up and away!" Dan's jets flared to life and he soared above the 
battle. Steven gave a passing glance at him, then followed Kate down the 
middle. Scott paused and watched her friends spread out around the goblins, 
then slowly followed Steve (because he didn't want to encourage the wind to 
pick up her skirt).

A pair of the goblins split to either side. One attacked Ard with a club 
(and apparently knew her name, or at least thought he knew it, because he 
shoulted "ARG!") The other took a swipe at Illyria with a sword.

Yes, in case your wondering, Illyria's sword was longer than the goblin's.

A third Goblin attacked Kate. She tried to dodge, but the club-strike caught 
her in the arm. "Ouch!" she cried, "That's going to bruise!" She responded 
by jumping back a pace and throwing a shuriken at the goblin. The pointy-
star of doom stuck between the little green creature's eyebrows, but failed 
to do any lasting damage.

The Dark Dwarf crossed his arms and gloated, confident that his five goblins 
would defeat the heroes. "We outnumber you, so you will be defeated." Math 
was not one of his stronger subjects in school. (Hence the reason he was 
leading a band of goblins, rather than counting gold for his father.)

Illyria brooded in the dwarf's direction for a moment, then ran his sword 
through the goblin that had tried to attack him. The height-challenged 
monster gurbled a bit as the blade sliced through his jugular. It took 2.7 
seconds for his body to prove that it contained only 11 gallons of blood 
(smaller size than humans, y'know.) Displaying the ultimate coolness of 
being like Blade (despite wearing plaid instead of black) Illyria did not 
get drenched in the downpour. (Tho, y'know, it takes even MORE to be cool 
wearing plaid, so Illyria must be even cooler than Blade.)

While all that happened, Ard "HAI-YA!"ed and punched the goblin in front of 
her. He stumbled back a step and shook his head to stop his eyeballs from 
spinning around.

"DEATH FROM ABOVE!" Dan slammed down on top of a goblin and sent it 
everywhere. Yes that does mean one goblin going many places. At once. The 
surviving combatants stopped fighting and looked at him; some pursed their 
lips. 

"Aheh." He sweatdropped. "Carry on."

"Righto!" Steve shouted. "HEI-YA--urk!" Unfortunately, the nice set of lungs 
behind his kiai didn't help his accuracy. His flying kick became more of a 
stumble into the splits. With a pained groan and a half smile of "how did 
this happen?" Steve's eyes rolled up and he slumped on his back even before 
he could cup his crotch with his hands.

"LUSTY BEAM OF THE INNOCENTS!" Magical Pretty Princess Scott-chan cried. The 
fifth goblin was bathed in light. When the brightness faded, he had a look 
that displayed pain greater than what Steve was feeling. On the plus side, 
the goblin's face also showed great pleasure. It was sorta like a man who'd 
been kicked in the balls, only to have [censored] [censored] do [censored] 
[censored] to his [censored] and [censored] [censored] for [censored].

Of course, it hardly mattered, because the goblin wasn't a man, and was very 
dead.

The goblin that was facing Kate attacked her again and scored. (No, not in 
that way. He tagged her with the club again. HONESTLY!) She whimpered and 
stumbled back. Her arm hurt. A lot.

"Kate!" Scott shouted.

The goblin Ard had knocked up... er about, turned and focused on Steve. It 
clobbered him one on the head, but didn't use its weapon, so the sidekick 
wasn't really any more damaged. Of course, the crap that came off of the 
goblin's hand made his messy hair even worse, so it may have been worse than 
if the goblin had hit with a sword or club or something.

Kate forced herself to her feet and took a swipe at the goblin, but her 
wavering fist missed the pudgy head. She stumbled a few steps past the 
goblin and turned to try and make a second attack.

A large, meaty fist came down upon Kate's head. Metaphoric little birds 
tweeted around her head. She went down faster than the Microsoft's stock 
prices on trust-busting day.

Illyria followed up Kate's attack by poking the goblin a few times with her 
sword. After a brief moment of confusion, it spun around and exploded in a 
flurry of little sparklies. 

"Dan Dan Double Fisted Aerial Mecha Punch!" The mecha-boy charged past 
Illyria towards the Dark Dwarf. He missed, and as he passed by, the Dwarf 
hacked at his back with a light axe. In a shower of sparks and stuff and 
junk and stuff, Dan crashed to the ground. He said, "Ow!" too.

Scott-chan tighted her fists. "In the name of all that isn't yet violated, I 
cannot forgive you! Chastity FLASH!" The pink and yellow flutter-fire of 
magical girl power battered at the Dark Dwarf. First his beard fell out, 
then he fell to his knees.

"You may have defeated us, but Dark Dragon will rise again!" he shouted, 
then both he and the remaining goblin spun around a few times and exploded.

But not messily; more like little fireworks, even though they were both man-
sized.

Lesson learned: Physics doesn't matter.

"I'm glad that's over," Ardweden said, wiping sweat off of her brow. "Why 
were these guys so tough?"

"Who cares!" Scott cried. She hopped up and down and held her little fists 
in front of her mouth and her eyes were starting to mist up. "We've got to 
help Kate!"

"What about Dan and Steve?" Ard asked.

"Er... Them too."

"What about my babies?"

Ard blinked. "No offense, Illyria, but you're not really equipped for that."

"I didn't say anything," the bishounen swordsman replied.

"It was me!" A haggard peasant-woman fell to her knees before the trio. "My 
babies are in the house, and they'll perish if you don't save them!"

Illyria knelt over Steve and slapped him awake. The sigil on his headband 
had faded. "Ah..." he said about two octaves higher than normal, "Is this 
Heaven?"

"We need your help, Steve."

"Uhh..." He grunted a few times, to get his voice back down to normal pitch 
levels. "What for?"

"Wake up Dan," Ard said while she and Scott helped Kate to her feet.

"My babies are gonna die!"

"Hey!" Scott snapped. "The building hasn't collapsed yet, it can wait a few 
minutes longer!"

"Well! Maybe I'll just wait for the next heroes to come down the road, how 
would you feel about that?"

"Don't do that!" Ard said. "We're going! We're going!" And leaving Dan be 
for the moment, the five others tromped into the structurally unsound 
building with the free indoor heating.

"How many babies are we looking for?" Ard asked, stepping around a burning 
spot on the floor. (She couldn't tell what was burning, but it was burning, 
so she didn't want to step in it.)

"All the ones we can find?" Steve asked.

"So lets go look!" Kate implored.

They spread out and started rooting through the building.

"Hey!" Steve announeced. "I've found an egg!"

"Ha! I've got a baby!" Ard shot back.

"Me, too!" Kate said. "What about you, Illyria?"

"... Nothing at all." Illyria closed a cupboard.

"Me, neither," Scott complained.

"Well, have we searched everything?" Ardweden asked.

"Yes," came the schoolhouse-esque reply.

"Then let's get out of here! This place could fall down at any moment!"

"What about this egg?" Steve asked.

"Just bring it along!" First Scott and Kate, then Illyria, then Ard, and 
finally Steve rushed out of the building. Just as the uber-sidekick got 
outside, the crackling wood creaked and tumbled in upon itself.

"Whew! Just in time!" Steve exclaimed.

"My babies! You saved them!" The peasant-woman snatched the swaddled bundles 
of joy from Ardweden and Kate. They glared at her, but she ran off to find 
her husband because they needed another house built for the next attack 
scene. They wouldn't survive that one, because the next group of heroes were 
going to be a few minutes late.

"Hey, what happened?" Dan asked as he walked up sans armor. "Steve, what's 
with that egg?"

Steve grinned. "I found it in the burning house! Isn't it cool?"

"I kinda doubt that," Scott-chan replied. "It's on fire?"

"Wha? WHoa!" Steve jumped and dropped the now burning egg. It wobbled 
through the air, then came down and...

Cracked open like... an egg. White and Yolk and eggshell splattered across 
the ground and Steve and (to a lesser degree) over everyone else, too.

"Cool, is it?" Dan nudged Steve.

The yolk caught fire. "Wow! Neat!" Steve grinned. "Isn't that cool?"

"Odd, really," Ardweden noted.

The burning yolk got suddenly got hotter and hotter, forcing Steve to take a 
step back. The six heroes watched as it burned out, leaving only Ashes and 
Dust.

Mostly the former. But whatever the case, certainly more ashes than there 
had been yolk. They stared for a moment longer, waiting for something to 
happen.

It did. A cough sounded, and a form pushed itself up out of the ashes. It 
stood up to reveal itself as a manlike bird. Or a birdlike man, take your 
pick. Not an especially tall one, at that. And kinda weedy in the physique. 
So take it as a shortish, lanky, manlike birdlike man. Or something.

"Oh..." he said, looking around. "Hi."

"Damien?"

"Er... Yes. What're you doing here, guys?"

"We're off to find the seven seals of MacGuffin!" Steve said. "We've gotta 
collect the whole set to save the world!"

"Oh, that's cool. I'll join you!"

PNX DAMIEN joined the Shining Force. [insert fanfare here]

"Er... Great," Ard said and poked at his wing, brushing some more ashes off. 
"What can you do?"

"I'll be there for you, to inspire you on!"

"Like a mascot?" Kate asked.

"I prefer the term standard bearer."

"But what about all the fighting and stuff? Can you survive?" Dan asked.

"Phoenii rise from the ashes," Damien recited, then grinned. "I can also 
FLAME!" He flexed his wings and burst into flames. "Neat, eh? Not really a 
good weapon, but it looks impressive."

Just then a century of hobgoblins burst on the scene.

"BACK OFF!" Damien Roc squawked, stomping on a few of the hobgoblins. The 
rest ran in flight.

"There," Damien Phoenix said dusting off his hands. He realized the six 
intrepid heroes were staring at him. "Oh, yeah. I do that, too, sometimes."

Scott looked at Kate. "Do you know what I'm thinking?"

"Huh? Wha?" Kate blinked and looked at Scott. "Did you say something?" She 
flushed and made a point of not lookinga t Illyria.

"Er... I've got an idea.

H_H

Later.

"Y'know," Damien said, "This wasn't what I had in mind for being useful."

"Hey," Steve patted his side. "You're bigger than all of us combined and 
you've got longer legs. Think you can fly if we're all up here?"

Damien Roc craned his neck around to look at his six riders. "I'll just walk 
right now, thanks."

H_H

Thanks: To Illyria and Kate and Scott for helping bounce some ideas around. 
To EL Rutt and Phoebe for Pre-reading.

Damien Phoenix