"Still, there's something familiar about this place.  I don't know, I
feel like..."

"Feel like what?"

"Like we're being watched."

"Away put your weapon.  I mean you no harm.  I am wondering, why are
you here?"

"I'm looking for someone..."

"Looking?  Found someone you have, I would say!"



Otaku Wish-Fulfillment Theater

started by Scott Schimmel

------------
Chapter 23: All your Star Wars are belong to us... that, and the
longest OWFT chapter yet.
------------


The sky was a deep purple-black.  Gray clouds shrouded the falling sun,
and a gust of northern wind rustled the grass.  The trees groaned
quietly, the bare branches brushing against one another, then fell
silent.  No birds were in the sky.  No deer ran over the hills.  Nature
was still; watching, listening.

The destined heroes stood upon the crest of their hill in fear and awe.
Facing them from the opposite peak was a lone shape robed in a cloak of
black.  Upon his chest he wore a coat of blackened mail.  Upon his
raven-black hair sat a thin ringlet of silver studded with rubies.
Around his neck was a silver amulet forged in the semblance of a
dragon, and within its talons was gripped the gem of ages, the heart of
legends; it smoldered with a crimson light, an eternal flame, yet was
contained by the darkness.  In his hands he wielded a long black staff
with a curved blade affixed to one end and a long spike to the other;
below the blade a dull white gemstone integrated seamlessly with the
weapon, and midway down the staff silver runes were carved into the
light, sturdy metal.  The wind caught his cloak,  flapping it gently
before it settled back around his tall form.  His emotionless black
eyes regarded the heroes from a hard, shadowed face.  He was the one,
the lord of darkness, the herald of death.  He was Mortavis.

He advanced towards the heroes, his movements effortless, his demeanor
betraying no fear, no anxiety.  Illyria unsheathed his sword.  Scott
underwent her transformation.  Arweden focused her energy and readied
herself for combat.  Dan powered up his suit.  Kate pulled up her mask
and drew her blade.  As one they stepped forward to meet their
adversary.  Steve was left behind, standing helplessly.

They closed in on one another.  Closer, closer, while the world stopped
around them.  The sun was lost from sight and a dark, brooding twilight
set in.  Closer....

"CHAOS STORM OF IMMOLATION!!!!" cried Scott.  In response white-hot
meteors materialized before her and flew headlong at the enemy.  The
figure halted his stride and stood without moving, his eyes closed and
oblivious to his impending doom.  The missiles bore down on him,
faster, faster......  He lifted his hand, palm outward.  The meteors
crashed hard into the invisible barrier, shattering and vanishing
without a trace.

Kate lept into the air, sword gleaming in the last rays of light.  Down
she fell, completing the swing as she hit ground.  Her sword was
stopped short by a blindingly fast parry.  Mortavis then spun
backwards, bringing the spike low in a tripping manuever.  Kate dodged
with a quick jump to her right....straight into the other blade.
Mortavis swung through and charged the remaining heroes.

Scott's shock changed to abject terror as she found herself directly in
his path.  "Illyria!" she cried as she desperately sought escape, but
soon she realized what had to be.  The cold, hard spike sank through
her soft abdomen, and for a moment she felt her feet lift off the
ground.  Then he withdrew the blade, and she sank to the ground.  And
then all was dark.

"Scott..." Illyria's trench coat turned a deadly plaid, his eyes
narrowed in fury.  "You bastard...." He stood before Mortavis, his
knuckles white around his sword handle.  The wind returned, and his
hair fluttered.  He struck first, then struck again, and again, fueled
by bitter hatred.  The crack of metal upon metal resounded through the
valley as Mortavis countered swing after ruthless swing.  Illyria was
tireless, frenzied, blinded by anger.  He swung hard, a killing blow,
but missed and found himself staggering backwards, stunned, from an
open palm strike.  Mortavis leveled his staff at Illyria, the white
gemstone glowing fiercely.  The bishounen braced for the shot, but it
was a useless gesture.  The shockwave caught Illyria full-on and threw
him against an outcropping, his bones crumpling under the stress.  He
collapsed in a heap and moved no more.

Dan launched a swarm of missiles at the backside of the black figure.
Mortavis turned and considered him coldly, emotionlessly, the missiles
deflecting from his hand, away from the burning crystal.  Dan charged,
heavy guns ablaze.  The dark one stood unshaken beneath the hailstorm
of projectiles, raising his staff high above his head.  At his command,
the heavens converged, the clouds growing a deep red and spiraling
together far above the valley.  Dan stopped, unbelieving, unwilling to
believe that the end had come, knowing that it had, that....he had
failed.  Mortavis brought his staff down in a sharp arc, and the
heavens obeyed, a flaming pillar falling from the sky...

Ardweden fell to her knees, realizing at last what had happened.  The
end had come, it had come for Kate, for Scott, for Illyria, for Dan,
and......it was coming for her.  Everything was going to end,
everything...and she was powerless to change it.  She only half saw the
cloaked figure approaching, her vision clouded as it raised the staff.
'How?' she asked herself.  'How can it end?'  And then as the blade
fell she thought, 'Maybe it can't.....'

Steve watched the battle in disbelief.  He longed to run but knew he
could not.   He saw the figure turn and look at him, start walking in
his direction.  He saw the gem on the amulet, bright in the surrounding
night.  And then he saw the countries, he saw the cities, he saw the
people, relived the adventures...and he knew that it could not be over.
'No,' he said to himself, and saw truth in it.  But then he saw the
countries razed, the cities burning, the people slaughtered.  And he
saw the abyss opening for him, and he was afraid of it.  'No!' he
begged, but he knew that it would not listen to him, that it wanted him
and would be appeased only after consuming his mortal soul.  'NO!'
With one final plea he found the ground stripped from under him, the
hole below him ever growing in anticipation, in greed.....he felt the
blade enter his throat and exit out the back of his neck.....

------------

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Steve bolted upright in
bed, sweating all over and breathing hard.   It took him a while to
realize that it was all just a really, really bad dream.

"OK, THAT was a bad dream!" he said, and looked over to make sure that
Dan realized that he was fine.  Dan wasn't there.

"Uh, Dan?  Where'd you go?"

"He won't be coming back."  Steve looked up and saw a dark outline in
the shadowed corner of the room.  The figure stepped into the light,
his dark hair gleaming in the early morning sun.  Around his neck hung
a pendant of a dragon clutching a glowing crystal.  It was....

"OH, SHI-!!!" The looming figure had drawn a long, wicked knife with a
jagged edge.  He shot forward, catching Steve below the ribcage...

------------

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"What the...?" A half-asleep Dan sat up and looked over at the
designated sidekick.  "What's your problem?" he grumbled.

Kate was in the room a few seconds later.  "You OK, Steve?"

Steve found himself too short of breath to answer.  He sat there for
well over a minute.

Dan looked at his watch.  "Do you have any idea what time it is,
Steve?" he said angrily.  "We've only been asleep five hours!"

"Sorry," said Steve, gasping.  "I just had a bad dream."

"Oh, OK," agreed Kate, cheerful as ever despite it being four in the
morning.  She went back to her room.

"Next time, don't wake me up unless someone is going to kill us or
something," muttered Dan incoherently, rolling over and going back to
sleep.

------------

"Come on, everybody!  We have to get up if we're going to find that
castle!"  After several minutes Kate was greeted by the somewhat less
enthusiastic faces of the other party members.

"Steve, what's wrong?" asked a yawning Ardweden.  "You look like you're
still asleep."

"Huh...?" asked Steve, confirming the analysis.

"I'm starving," interrupted Dan.  "Who's up for getting some
breakfast?"

For an answer he got four nods, a dazed expression, and a "......".

------------

Back on the streets of Cidgard again, the heroes approached the first
likely restaurant they could find.  It had just opened and the smell of
cooking food drifted from the doorway.  Upon entering they found a
small, cozy establishment with twelve large tables.  No other customers
were visible.

"Can I help you?" asked the well-dressed host, eyeing Damien
suspiciously.

"Yes," replied Dan, the already-established-for-logical-reasons leader.
"We'd like to eat some breakfast."

"Of course.  Please be seated."  The heroes did so, and the host-
turned-waiter gave them all menus.

"Ooh, this looks good," said Damien after glancing over the menu.

"What does?" asked Kate.

"Fried Womp Rat."

"Eew."  Scott made her opinion known to the others.

"......." commented Illyria.

The waiter returned after a few minutes.  "Have you decided yet?"

"Yes, we have," said Dan, speaking for everyone.  The waiter took
everyone's order (even Damien's).

"That will be 324 daktari."

"Don't you normally pay after eating?" asked Kate, checking to see
whether they had enough money to pay for the meal.

"Of course not.  Where do you think you are?" the waiter said
irritably.

Kate ignored him.  "Um, I hate to break it to you guys, but we don't
have that much."

"Wait a second," said Scott, "Dan, didn't you pick up the prize money
when we mug-"  Scott found Illyria's hand clamped over her mouth.

"You did get the money, didn't you?" Kate demanded.

"Ummm....."

The group collectively "...."ed.

"If you can't pay for your food, I suggest you leave immediately."

The heroes looked at one another.  All eyes then turned to the waiter,
who began to edge away uneasily.  "Please?" he asked.

------------

Ten minutes later, the party walked out of the restaurant.

"Well, I feel better," Dan said happily.

"Speak for yourself," the manlike-birdlike one known as Damien
muttered.  "You didn't just eat a sour rat.  I think I'm gonna be
sick."

"Damien, we really didn't need to hear that," reprimanded Kate.

The others agreed, looking sick themselves...well, all except Illyria.

"Seriously, though, what are we gonna do now?" asked Ardweden.  "We
still don't know where the castle is, and we can't afford to spend
another night here."

"Hey, it was *your* suggestion to stay in that place!" said Dan
defensively.  "It's not my fault they charged so much!"

"I don't seem to remember you having a better idea," Kate commented.
"Besides, it was really late and we were all tired from looking for the
castle."

Scott looked up and noticed that Steve was lagging behind.  "You
alright, Steve?  You look pretty bad."  The others stopped and noticed
that Steve was indeed looking very pale.

"I'm fine, really."

"No, you're not," said Kate.  "What's on your mind, Steve?"

The sidekick spoke slowly.  "I was thinking...we'll probably be picking
up the next seal within a few days, and...well, since I'm not really an
essential character, if I'm going to die in this RPG, it will probably
happen pretty soon..."  He looked up sharply while the others (except
Illyria) tried very hard not to burst out laughing.  "IT'S NOT
FUNNY!!!"

"We know, Steve," Ardweden said, giggling uncontrollably.

"You're so obsessed with that, Steve," said Kate.

"Think about it, Steve," reasoned Dan.  "If we're in that kind of an
RPG, you would have died already."  Steve gave Dan an angry glare.
"You really are practically useless for anything other than comic
relief."

"DAN!!" Ardweden and Kate half-scolded.

"You know, you're really not helping..." Steve said morosely.

"Come on!" urged Kate.  "We have to get moving or we're never going to
find the castle!"

The others followed the overly-enthusiastic ninja down a side street.
Far behind them the waiter got to his feet and shook his head to stop
the world from spinning.  A thin, evil grin spread across his face as
he watched the heroes vanish.  "Our first catch of the day..."

------------

"Kate, where do you think you're going?"  Steve, who was feeling a
little better now, stopped where the street they were traveling on fed
into a main road.  Along the exceptionally wide road hundreds of shops
and kiosks had been set up, and thousands of people drifted through the
marketplace.  Kate had run off in the direction of a store plainly
labeled "Trelawny's Weapons, Items and Information."

"We'd better go after her," Ardweden commented.

The five heroes and one mascot did so, plunging into the sea of
humanity.

They emerged to find a closed door suffering a severe beating at the
hands of Kate.   Well, actually she was just knocking, but whatever...

"Chill out, Kate," said Damien, but she chose to ignore the mascot on
principle.  OK, she ignored him because the racket she was making
prevented her from hearing him, or anything else for that matter.

After a minute the door opened, revealing an older man wearing
seventeenth-century British clothing and a wig.  Comapared to everyone
else in the city, he seemed really out of place.

"Can I help you?" he half-wheezed.

"Yes," said Dan after a moment.  "We need to speak with Mr. Trelawny.
We need some information."

"I'm sorry," the man said.  "He is out of town for the drought season.
He will return on the feast of Huesos."

"Oh."  The group looked somewhat disappointed and turned to leave.

He spoke up.  "Of course, his rich, half-wit son Young Trelawny is
here."  He began laughing to himself in a wheezing sort of way.

"We'll see him then!" a delighted Kate said.

They entered the shop.  It was divided into multiple semi-separated
rooms, and everything was well lit.  Kate instantly gravitated toward
the magical shuriken rack, apparently forgetting the fact that they
were all far too expensive for the party's meager supply of money.  The
shopkeeper, obviously Young Trelawny, spotted them.

"Good morning."  He held out his thumb.  "Mr. Thumb says hello, too.
How can I help you?"

Everyone looked confused.

"Oh, Mr. Thumb is the man who lives in my finger.  He's very smart.
He's been to the moon-"  He paused while he put his thumb up to his
ear, then whispered a 'thank you' to it.  "Twice."

"Riiiiight..." muttered Scott.

Dan, being the leader, spoke up.  "Can you tell us how to get to the
castle?" he asked.

The man looked puzzled.  "Castle?"  He looked hopefully at his thumb.
"Castle?"

"You know, the castle?" said Ardweden impatiently.  "The big grey stone
thing?"

The man considered this for a second.  "Oh, the big grey stone thing,
yes..."  He whispered to his thumb in explanation.

Everyone facepalmed...except Illyria, of course, because he just
doesn't do that sort of thing, and Kate, who had wandered into another
room.

"Sorry, I can't help you..."  Everyone looked disappointed. "...but my
assistant can.  He's outside right now."

"OK.  We'll go talk to him."  The group moved off through the back
door.  "Come on, Kate!" called Ardweden.

In the receding background the storeowner's voice could barely be
heard.  "Look at all the customers outside, Mr. Thumb!  You have a busy
day ahead of you....."

------------

The heroes found themselves in a back alley.  Rays of light filtered
down between the tall buildings, illuminating half of the path while
leaving the other half in shadow.

"Well?" asked Dan, looking for the assistant.  "Where is he?"

"Right here."  A dark figure materialized out of the greyish darkness,
mere feet from the party.

Illyria drew his sword on instinct.  Kate pulled her mask up.  Ardweden
entered a combat stance, facing the newcomer.  Dan considered whether
he should undergo transformation, as did Scott.  And Steve suddenly had
some very, very bad memories...

"It's OK.  I'm the assistant at this store."  Everyone relaxed
somewhat, except Steve, who didn't look too good.

"Hey, wait a minute," the figure said, "aren't you those guys from
Improfanfic?"

Scott considered him skeptically.  "Who are you, and how do you know
us?"

The figure paused dramatically.  "I have....*ways*..."

A equally skeptical Dan spoke up.  "No, seriously, who are you?" he
demanded.

"I am..." The figure stepped into the light. "...Garrett!"

The party looked him over.  He was wearing a long, black cloak, and his
face was hidden in shadow, despite the fact that he was standing in
full sunlight.

"Garrett?" asked Dan.

"Yes," the one known as Garrett responded.

"Do we...know you?" Kate was searching her memory for the name.

"Do you?," was the response.

Everyone looked at one another.  The group consensus was soon clear:
"No, we don't.  Where do you know us from?" asked Kate.

"A good thief never reveals his secrets."

"Thief?" questioned Scott suspiciously.

"Yes, that's right!  And you said you didn't know me..."

The heroes looked blankly at each other, then decided to drop the
subject.

"Can you tell us how to reach the castle?" the ever-practical Dan
asked.  Well, often practical.  OK, sometimes practical.

Everyone (except Steve, who was still recovering) looked at the
shadowed individual hopefully.

"Actually, I can take you there."

"WAI!!!" Kate exclaimed.

"Why?" asked a puzzled Garrett.  "You want to see the king, don't you?"

Multiple sweatdrops made their presence known.

"Lead the way," Kate said after a few moments.

------------

The party soon found themselves on the grand central avenue of Cidgard.
Behind them stretched the broad street, lined with innumerable
multistory buildings and thronged with citizens.  Before them stood the
castle of Cidgard.  Despite the gates being a good quarter mile from
the adventurers, they still had to look up to see the pinnacles which
crowned the enormous keep.  "Wow..." breathed Kate, absorbed by the
fully-rendered glory of the structure.

Ardweden turned around to thank their guide, only to find that he had
vanished.  "Where'd he go?  Weird, he didn't even ask for any
payment..."

Dan grew very concerned.  "Uh, Kate, where did the bag with the money
in it go?"

"What?..."  she mumbled, slowly returning to reality.  "It's right
here....umm.."

"You let him run off with our money?"  Ardweden was not pleased.  In
fact, nobody was pleased.

"What's he have to do, Kate?" demanded Dan.  "Tell you he's a thief?
No, wait, he did that...."

"Hey, you didn't see him either!" said Kate reproachfully.  "It's not
like we had a whole lot anyway..."

"Still, you're a ninja," complained Scott, conveniently forgetting that
Kate's powers were not active at the time.

A totally unexpected voice broke the silence.  "It looks like the
destined heroes are in trouble, Tom."

This time the reaction was a lot bigger than before.  Kate shot into
the air.  Scott nearly tripped over her own feet.  Ardweden snapped
into a defensive position.  Illyria drew his sword blindingly fast.
Dan went ahead and powered up his suit.  Damien molted.  And Steve fell
to the ground, unconscious.

The voice belonged to a barely visible shadow on the wall closest to
the party.  In fact, the figure looked a lot like the one known as
Garrett; remarkably so.  Next to the figure sat skeleton.  Yes, a
skeleton.

"Hi, guys," said the figure.

A long time passed before anything else was said.  It was Kate,
naturally, who thought it best to break the silence with a highly
diplomatic, utterly meaningless greeting.

"Hey, give us our money back!"  Or not.

The figure looked puzzled for a second.  "Oh, I see.  That wasn't me,
it was Garrett.  It seems you've met him already."

The heroes looked equally puzzled.  "Who are you, then?" asked Scott.

"You guys don't recognize me?"  Blank expressions provided the answer
to that one.  "Well, I guess I can't really blame you.  I'm Devast8or."

Vague signs of recognition passed fleetingly over the faces of some of
the heroes.  "Devastator?" asked Dan.

"No, Devast*8*or," corrected the one known as Devast8or, emphasizing
the alphanumeric spelling of his name somehow.  He then indicated the
skeleton on his right.  "And this is the king's brother, Dead Tom.
I've been assigned to watch him while he travels through the city."

"Um, I hate to break it to you, but he's dead," Dan pointed out.

"I know," said Devast8or.  "That's why he's called Dead Tom."

"......."

"So, will you give us our money back already?" asked Scott.  "Or will
we be forced to use...*evil*..."

"I already told you," persisted Devast8or.  "I didn't take it."

"SURE you didn't," said Ardweden sarcastically.

"I say we should kill him," Scott suggested.

Illyria, taking this as his cue, proceeded to step forward and slice
the one known as Devast8or into very small pieces.

At least, that was the plan.  With a casual flick of his hand,
Devast8or fused Illyria's sword to its sheath.  Illyria tried to pull
it out a few times, then went back to brooding.

"I can't let you do that," Devast8or stated nonchalantly.

"Who ARE you?!" demanded Kate.

"Actually, I'm the author," was the response.

"What?"  Conveniently, none of the heroes really heard this response.

"Never mind," said the one known as Devast8or.

"Never mind what?" said an adamant Dan.

"What?"

"Stop it!" said Ardweden.  "You know what."

"Oh.  Well, never mind that."

"Never mind WHAT?!"

"Huh?"

".........."

"Anyway, you guys need to get into the castle, right?"  Everyone
nodded, even Steve, who was back to semi-normality relative to the RPG
world.  "And you still have the pass that you stole from the NPCs after
the tournament?"

"How did you-?"  Scott began.

"Hmmmm?"

"Never mind."

"I'm assuming that you don't know, seeing as you've never been to the
castle before...."

"Don't know what?" asked Dan reluctantly.

"...That the pass will only get you inside the castle.  You need
something else in order to actually find the king's throne room."

The heroes suddenly looked very dejected.  Dan muttered something about
policies for dealing with bearers of bad news.

"What exactly do we need?" asked Kate, displaying a rare moment of non-
enthusiasm.  This was, of course, instantly replaced by anticipation of
a new side quest.

Devast8or smiled faintly, although the others couldn't see it.  "You'll
need.....me!"

------------

The heroes found themselves in a long, columned hall.  The walls were
decorated with richly embroidered tapestries,  and a thick crimson
carpet covered the floor.  Devast8or had excused himself moments
earlier, saying that he had some "business" to attend to, and then both
he and Dead Tom had vanished.  The heavy gilded doors were still
closing.  At the far end of the room a middle-aged man was seated on an
overly large throne facing away from the party.  Beyond the throne the
floor ended in a balcony which overlooked the castle's outer courtyard,
and past that the enormous city stretched as far as the eye could see.
Flanking him were two nondescript guards weilding heavy pikes.  They
had met King Cid at last.

"Come here," the hidden Cid called, dismissing his guards with a broad
sweep of his hand.

Timidly, the heroes did so.  Kate soon found herself inspecting the
hangings on the wall.  "Hey, these are scenes from FF8!" she declared.
"Look, this one is on the battle with Omega Weapon!"

"We know, Kate," grumbled Dan.

"Ooh, and this one is the Ragnarok!"

"WE KNOW, KATE."

"Well, I guess it's THAT Cid, then," said Steve.  "Although I thought
there was a Headmaster Cid in this city, too..."  Scott and Ardweden
nodded.

"Same guy, maybe?" suggested Ardweden.

"Yeah, maybe."

"And this one is Balamb Garden!"

"......"

Eventually, the party reached the throne and very patiently waited for
the king to address them.

*cough* Ardweden coughed.  OK, not very patiently.

After the few seconds required for dramatic effect, the throne rotated
slowly until King Cid faced the adventurers.  He was, it turned out,
Cid Kramer after all, albeit aged somewhat, a little heavier, and in
charge of something much bigger than a flying mercenary school.  "Ah,
yes, the destined heroes.  I was told to expect you."

Cid paused dramatically again.  He was about to continue when he
spotted Damien.

"Oh, I see you brought a chocobo as tribute.  How thoughtful of you!  I
do love roasted chocobo..."

"I am NOT a chocobo!" protested Damien, looking around uneasily.

"Perhaps a really big chicken, then," Cid mused, undaunted by the fact
that the manlike-birdlike one had spoken.  Actually, the manlike aspect
should have tipped him off, but that really isn't relevant.  "Yes, I
used to like eating chicken, especially-"

"We were told that you have information regarding the Seals of
Maguffin," interrupted Kate.

"Really?  Cool..."

The shockwave resulting from the entire party (with the exception of
Illyria) facefaulting was felt throughout the city.  "Imperial
walkers!" cried a panicked citizen.  "Protect the shield generators!"
yelled another.  "Ion control, fire!"  However, this development had
absolutely no influence on the plot at all.  It stemmed from the author
watching Episode V immediately beforehand and will not be expanded
upon.

"Oh, I remember now," continued Cid.  "Yes, you need to ascend Valhallo
and speak with Odan.  He should be able to help you."

"Great...." commented Scott dryly.

"One problem," said Dan.  "We don't know how to get out of the city."

"Ah, so you're new here."

"No, really?" a sarcastic Ardweden commented quietly.

"Yes, we are," said Kate.  "Could you give us a map?"

"I can do better than that."  The king paused dramatically yet again.
"Pierre, come in here!"

Everyone faced the doorway expectantly.  After a moment, a short,
stocky, not-exactly human form stepped through it.  He was clad in a
ragged blue overcoat and a red-striped shirt.  Completing the pirate-
style garb were black patches covering both of his eyes.

"HA HA HA. It's me, Blind...Pierre!" said the one known as Blind
Pierre, drawing out the 'ie' in true psuedo-French fashion.

"He's some kind of a blind fiend," said Ardweden to Kate.

"I think they prefer visually challenged fiend," she responded.

"I heard zat!"

"Allow me to introduce Pierre, the head of castle security," said King
Cid.  "Come, Pierre!"

Blind Pierre did so, running headlong into EVERY pillar.  While he was
doing this, Cid continued.  "He can guide you all the way to the Tower
of Odan."

Needless to say, the heroes looked somewhat concerned.  Except Illyria,
of course.  "You sure you can't just give us a map?" asked Kate.

"What for?  Pierre knows this castle and city better than anyone else."

"But...but...he's blind!"  Scott recieved a sharp glare from the others
for his lack of diplomacy.

"And the problem with that is...?"

"Uh, he just walked off the balcony," interrupted Dan.  As indeed he
had.  So ended the obscure reference to a movie that few will admit
they have seen.

"Stop fooling around, Pierre!!"  No response came.  "Shoot.  Well, in
that case I guess you'll have to settle for another guide."

"Where can we find him?" asked Dan, partially relieved.

"Actually, I should say guides.  And they will probably find you if you
can't find them."

"Wonderful."

"Were you still planning on leaving your chocobo here?"  Cid looked
hopefully at the phoenix.

"Um, no.  He's our mascot," explained Scott.  The king looked
disappointed.

"You sure you couldn't just give us a map?" persisted Kate.

"Come on, Kate," said Dan, heading for the door.  The others followed
him.

"Wait!" called Cid.  The party turned to face him.  "Before you go, you
should take these items."  He clapped his hands and the two guards came
forward, this time carrying a large chest between them.  They set it
down before the throne, opened it, and then left.

"Ooh!" Ardweden exclaimed.  "Shiny!"

Inside the chest were...items, which will be explained, plus a sheet of
paper with instructions written on it.  Cid picked up the sheet and
began reading it.  "All SeeD members, hereby referred to as party A,
are to assist the hiring party, hereby referred to as party B, in
accordance with-"

"The hell?" asked Dan.

"I don't get it," said Scott.

"Wait, wrong script."  The king rummaged through the chest and found
another sheet of paper.  "Here we are..."  He cleared his throat.
"Contained herein are rare items to be given to the destined heroes.
For the bishounen-" Illyria looked up.  "-the Greater Sword of
Incineration."  Cid indicated a long, slightly curved sword with a
dragon-like engraving on the blade next to the handle.  The bishounen
picked up the weapon and exchanged it for the sword he was currently
equipped with.

"For the ninja, the Mythril Chackrum of Devastation."  (No, the author
did not choose the name for personal reasons.  No, seriously.  And for
those who don't know what a chackrum is, just think Xena.)  Kate took
the circular weapon and decided to test it out by throwing it at one of
the columns.  It proceeded to slice straight through the pillar...and
the next one, and the next one, and the next... It eventually returned
to her hand.  "Cool...." she said.

"For the mecha, a floppy disk."  Cid dutifully handed the disk labeled
"the real disk" to Dan, who promptly stuck it into the slot on his
belt.  A computerized voice sounded from the collar of his suit: "All
your mecha are belong to us."  Dan rolled his eyes, as did everyone
else that heard the message.  Cid spotted another disk labeled "the
fake disk" and, remarkably, put two and two together.  "Oh, wait, here
it is.  Dev must have switched the disks."

"Who?" asked Dan as he took the disk from Cid and inserted it.  The
voice sounded again: "Dan has learned technique: My Final Chohatsu."

"Umm, nobody..." said Cid, nervously looking around.  That's right,
Cid.  I'm watching you.

He continued down the list.  "For the martial artist, the Superior
Boots of Haste."  He handed Ardweden a pair of white Nikes.  She put
them on.  "Ooh, the kind with flashy lights..."

"For the magical girl, the Ivory Wand of [[Power]]."  (Yes, that is a
double set of power brackets.)  Scott took the slender polished wand,
paying particular attention to the large diamond attached to one end.
Ardweden noticed it too.  "Shiny...." she said, mesmerized.

"And for the sidekick-"

"Let me guess.  Greater Nerf Gun?"

"-the Beatdown Stick of Beatdown.  Although I think we have some Nerf
weaponry in storage if you would rather-"

"No, that's fine," Steve said hastily, taking the plain-looking stick
from the king.

"And now you really do have to get going if you're going to get up
Valhallo before nightfall."

"Right.  Let's move," said Dan.  "I only hope we can find those guides."

"It is unavoidable," Cid said ominously.  "It is your destiny."  He
paused.  "You're sure about the chocobo?"

"Yes," repeated Kate.  Damien looked exceptionally relieved.

"Well, thank-"  Ardweden was cut off by a suddenly panicked Cid.

"Galbadian missiles are coming!  I know how to stop them!  Save
yourselves!  Go!!"

Ardweden decided not to finish her sentence and followed the others out
the door, leaving the frantic king far behind.

------------

Outside the castle and on main street once again, the heroes debated
where to begin the search for their guides.

"But Cid said they would find us!" complained Kate.

"IF we couldn't find them first," corrected Scott.  "He also never
mentioned how long it would take them."

"But-"

"HA HA HA!  We have you now!!"  The adventurers looked up to see that
they were surrounded by a large gang of thug-type villains, all dressed
up like stormtroopers for no reason in particular.  Leading the mob was
the waiter the heroes had mugged earlier.

"It's you," Dan commented.

The waiter grew angry.  "You somehow avoided my trap earlier, but now
you have no chance to survive make your time."

"What you say?"

"Enough talk!"  yelled the waiter.  "Let's get...it...ON!!!"  The
stormtrooper thugs swarmed forward, taking the party slightly off
guard, considering that most enemies let them prepare for combat before
the fighting actually began.

Then something unprecedented happened.  Steve lept toward the waiter-
turned-gang-leader, brandishing his new weapon.  "BEATDOWN STRIKE!!"
The stick crashed down on the waiter's head, promptly knocking him
flat.

"No way!" said Kate, baffled.

"Wait a minute, that's not supposed to happen!" protested Dan.

Steve stood over the unconscious body, closing his eyes and breathing
in slowly while flexing his arms.  All in all it was a fairly good
imitation of Neo, except that the world around him didn't start
bending.  After a few seconds he looked up sharply at the remaining
thugs, who exchanged glances and took off down various side streets.

"Wow, Steve," said Ardweden after a moment.  "That was-"

"Just not right!"  Dan was still unhappy.  "He's a sidekick!  He's only
here for comic relief!"

"DAN!!!!"  Ardweden smacked Dan with her lute.

"Ow!  It's still true, though."

Ardweden raised the instrument threateningly.

"All right, all right!" Dan grumbled.

"We need to get off the street," Illyria pointed out flatly.

"What for?" Kate asked.

"Police."

"He's right," agreed Steve, back to his old self again.  "And we still
have to find those guides."

"Let's go!" Kate headed off down a random street.

"And Steve, no more delusions of granduer," warned Dan.

This time Ardweden smacked him REALLY hard.

------------

One hour later, the heroes found themselves at a dead end.  Everyone
looked accusingly at Dan, the leader and natural target for blame.

"It's not my fault!"

"Oh?"  This was, apparently, the party's day for being taken totally
off guard by shadowed figures, for there against the shaded wall were
two of them.  Actually, only one of them matched the previous
description, wearing a full-body cloak with hood.  The other was just
in a very dark spot and not really visible except for a vague outline.
It was the cloaked one who had spoken, for he spoke again.

"We were getting concerned that we would have to go searching for you
guys, but you happened to find us first."

"You're the guides?" asked Kate.

The cloaked one nodded and stepped into the light.  Naturally, he
looked no different illuminated.  "I am Spa-am, scourge of message
boards and chat rooms."  He indicated the person to his right.  "And
this is Midnight Star."

The said person emerged from the shadows.  The heroes looked her over,
recognition showing on some of them (it won't be said who
because...well, just because.)  She looked somewhat like a cat, if cats
were human-sized, walked upright and had black wings, silver hair, and
bluish eyes.  She was wearing a tight black plugsuit, which naturally
attracted the attention of Dan and Steve.  She waved shyly to the
adventurers.

Spa-am continued.  "Well?  Shall we be on our way?"

The six heroes and one mascot nodded.

------------

"Come.  The cantina awaits."

The party looked somewhat relieved, as the one called Spa-am had been
humming variations on the Darth Vader theme song for the past twenty
minutes.  This relief was, however, soon replaced by concern.

"Wait a minute.  Aren't you supposed to take us to Valhalla?" asked
Scott.

"It is Valhallo, young...person, and don't worry.  We will deal with
your Rebel friends soon enough...er, we will get there."

The party collectively shrugged in the universal "Whatever" gesture.

------------

"You can't be serious...."  Dan looked over the establishment, a simple
mud-brick dome which didn't fit in with the multi-story stone buildings
surrounding it.  The open entrance led down into the cool underground
structure.  Over the door hung a flashy neon sign with blazing letters:
"The Mos Eisley Cantina".

The cloaked guide turned to the group.  "Watch yourselves.  This place
can get a little rough."

"We're ready for anything," said Kate confidently.

Spa-am and Midnight Star entered first, with the adventurers
reluctantly following.  They were instantly greeted by the sight of a
multitude of different alien species (actually, on closer inspection
these all turned out to be people in cheap rubber suits).  The air was
hazy with greyish smoke.  Behind the crowded bar a grumpy looking
bartender busily filled shotglasses.  He looked up irritably at the
newcomers.  "We don't serve their kind here!"  The heroes looked
puzzled.  "Your chocobo.  It'll have to wait outside."

"I am NOT a chocobo," Damien grumbled.

"You'd better do what he says," said Steve to Damien.  "We don't want
any trouble."

"I heartily agree with you," the manlike-birdlike one said, keeping one
eye on the large steak knife that the bartender had drawn from behind
the counter.  He turned and went back out into the open air, where he
began making towers out of the party's Quadruple Bypass collection.

Inside, Illyria and Dan took up places at the bar while their guides
and the others sat down in a shadowed booth in the corner.  Illyria
ordered a bluish drink which looked remarkably like Romulan ale, while
Dan, being the leader, settled for an orange juice.  After a shot of
the blue stuff Illyria decided to do the same.  Unfortunately, the
bishounen had chosen a particularly bad spot to sit down.  He soon
found the alien next to him growling ominously.  This was followed by a
particularly ugly hand tapping on his shoulder.

"He likes you."

"I'm sorry," responded Illyria coldly.

The hand returned.  "I like you too."

"......"

"You just watch yourself.  We're wanted men.  I've been charged with
jaywalking in twelve cities."

"I'll be careful."

The humanoid grabbed Illyria's shoulder angrily.  "You'll be-"

He never finished the sentence.  The bishounen's sword caught him mid-
abdomen and sliced upwards.  The two halves fell to the ground and
burst into flames, revealing a charred robotic frame.  The other alien
backed away nervously, still growling.  Illyria strode over the corpse
and shoved the point of the sword straight through the alien's neck,
causing its head to fall off. (Fortunately, this revealed yet another
robot, saving the party from a really ugly lawsuit.)

"Hey!!" the bartender yelled.  "Do you realize how expensive those
things were!"  He pulled off his mask, revealing none other than George
Lucas himself.  "You've ruined everything!  Infidels!!"

Dan was about to apologize when an older man and a young farm boy
entered, followed by two droids.  "Look what they did to the set!!"
Lucas cried, indicating the wreckage on the ground.  He turned
furiously to Illyria, whose sword was still drawn.  In fact, everyone
in the cantina had moved to surround the heroes, and a few people had
blocked off the entrance.

Steve had, unfortunately, chosen this time to return from the restroom.
Even worse, his eyes were still stinging from the ambient smoke in the
cantina, so he really couldn't see what was going on around him.
However, he could tell that something was amiss.

"Uh, how're we doing, Kate?"

"Same as always," was the response.

"That bad, huh?"

Without further hesitation, Lucas yelled, "GET THEM!!!" and the horde
enveloped the adventurers.  Their guides had, naturally, made an exit
out the back door.

"Ouch time..." muttered Dan.

------------

Severals hours had passed.  The sun had started its descent into the
western horizon, and a thick layer of fog was already forming on the
mountains surrounding the city.  The heroes stood at the base of the
Ridiculously Tall Mountain, looking concernedly upward.  The top of the
mountain was shrouded in a dark cloud layer, and lightning flashed
ominously.

"We have to climb up THAT?"  Scott indicated the steep, rocky slope.
Unlike the others, she had emerged from the brawl virtually unscathed.

Their guides apparently did not hear her, for they had already started
the ascent.  The battered heroes and one mascot followed them.  The
going was slow and difficult, but at long last the party found
themselves at the top.

The sun had just fallen, and the clouds glowed a faint red.  White fog
hid the ground from sight, and the adventurers shivered in the cold.
Ahead they barely made out the dim outline of an immense tower crowning
the peak of the mountain.

"Odan awaits."  Spa-am and Midnight Star headed off in the direction of
the structure.

Five minutes later, the guides stopped at the massive iron gates
embedded in the thick stone wall.  The heroes drew up behind them,
breathing hard in the thin air...except Illyria, of course.  "This is
as far as we can take you," said Midnight Star, speaking for the first
time since the adventurers had found her.

"The Force will be with you..." started Spa-am.

"...always," finished Midnight Star.  And then they vanished into the
mists of the night.

The rusted gates swung slowly open.  Lightning flared across the sky as
the clouds of foreshadowing gathered in the deepening night.  Kate was
through the door before anyone could stop her.  The others took a more
prudent level of caution and followed.

Inside, a cobblestone path led through a courtyard filled with old,
blackened trees.  The path ended at the foot of a tall, windowless
stone spire.  Lightning struck behind the tower, casting a brief
ghostly light on its eastern side.  The adventurers slowly advanced
down the path, weapons drawn, ready for combat at any moment.

Guarding the door were two small, Tonberry-esque creatures, both very
old and hunched over gnarled canes.  The one on the left looked up as
the party approached.  "Your weapons....you will not need them." It
indicated the said items.

"What?" Dan looked confused.

"Wars not make one great."  It paused.  "I am Yo_da."  It then pointed
to its silent companion.  "That is Soy_nyet."

"I don't believe it...." muttered Scott.

"That...is why you fail."

Scott rolled her eyes.  Kate spoke up.  "We're ready to see Odan."

"Ready are you?" mocked the one know as Yo_da.  "For eight hundred
years have I admitted heroes to this tower!  You are reckless!!"

"We won't fail you," said Dan.  "We're not afraid."

"Oh, you will be...you will be...."

After a few moments the one called Yo_da continued.  "To enter the
tower, first must you pass the test."

"ANOTHER side quest?" moaned Scott.

"What kind of test?" asked Kate, intrigued.

"You must face myself and Soy_nyet in battle."  Dan smirked.  "Size
matters not," Yo_da warned before continuing.  "You must defeat only
one of us, according the question that is asked."

"Question?"

"You will know...when you are calm, at peace..." Apparently, Kate
didn't really like that answer.

"Come, Soy_nyet.  And remember, a Jedi's strength flows from the
Force..."

"TO VICTOLY!!" cried Dan, undergoing his transformation sequence.

"Wait, Dan!"  Ardweden looked distraught.  "We don't know even know the
question yet!"  Dan chose to conveniently pretend he couldn't hear her.

"EAT THIS!!"  He lit up both flamethrowers and watched with glee as the
short, annoying creature...picked Dan up bodily and threw him across
the courtyard.  Dan landed in a heap.  "It's not fair..." he moaned.

Unfortunately for Dan, the other heroes were still undergoing their
powerup sequences.  All, that is, except Steve, who didn't HAVE any
special abilities which needed to be activated.  He pulled the Beatdown
Stick of Beatdown from his belt and was about to do great evil with it
when, unexpectedly, he heard a voice inside his head: "Is Darth Vader
my father?"  Steve glanced around quickly in a vain effort to find the
speaker, then gave up and proceeded to smack Yo_da upside the head.
The corpse quickly vanished.

"Would you stop that already!" complained Dan, dusting himself off as
he trudged over to the others.  "I had everything under control!"

Everyone chose to ignore him.

"You have chosen...wisely," the one called Soy_nyet said.  He motioned
to the now-open doorway at the base of the tower.  "In you must
go...and remember to use your powers only for knowledge and defense,
never for attack."

"We'll try," assured Scott.

"No.  Try not.  Do, or do not.  There is no try."

------------

The heroes stood before an great throne decorated with the skulls of
slain dragons and other monsters.  Seated in it was an enormous figure
wielding a weapon which resembled a cross between an axe and a curved
sword.  On his head sat a helm with long, curved horns, and on his body
were plates of heavy blackened armor.  On top of this was...a pink
karate gi, held in place by a thick black belt.

"Odan..." breathed Dan, starry-eyed.

Ardweden muttered something which was better left unwritten.

"Welcome, mortals.  How can I serve you?"

Ardweden muttered something else, which has also been omitted.

"You mean we don't have to fight you?" asked Kate, baffled.

"Of course not."

"We need help finding the Seals of Maguffin," said Dan, thrilled with
being in the presence of a twenty-foot-tall Dan Hibiki.

"Oh, I see.  You must be the destined heroes."  The party nodded.  "I
was told to expect you."

"Can you tell us where the next seal is?" asked Scott hopefully.

"No."

"........" was the collective response.

"Only when you prove your valor can I tell you where it is hidden."  He
paused, noticing the phoenix.  "Or you can leave your chocobo here.
It's been a while since I've had barbecued chocobo..."

Damien did his best to hide behind Steve, muttering that he didn't even
LOOK like a chocobo.  A few moments passed.  "And how exactly do we do
prove our valor?" inquired Scott, as usual not looking very pleased
with the prospect of a side quest.

"You must go to the kingdom of Lusankya and retrieve my Led Zeppelin
collection from the clutches of the evil one, Yelir Rm."

"Riiiight..."

"Why can't you just tell us where the seal is?" asked Dan.

Kate glared disapprovingly at him.  "Oh, Dan-"

"Yes?" interrupted Odan.

Kate facepalmed.  "....Ummm, could you give us a map or something?"

"Actually, I can provide you with a guide," declared Odan.

"Not another one..." complained Ardweden.  On cue, a surprisingly
normal person stepped out from behind the throne.  He was a little
taller than average height and had brownish-blonde hair and brown eyes.
He was wearing black jeans and a black sweatshirt over a black polo
shirt.

"Well, it is an improvement over a cloak," commented Steve to Ardweden,
who nodded.

"This is Joel," declared Odan.  The one known as Joel waved to the
adventurers.  "He has been given specific instructions on how to reach
Lusankya."

"Can't you just give us a map?" begged Dan.

"No, Dan," said Odan, who immediately started looking around.  "Did
someone call me?"

The heroes sweatdropped.

"If you return quickly your rewards will be great."

"What kind of rewards?"  asked Steve, but Odan didn't hear him.

"One more thing," continued Odan, a note of finality in his voice.  "I
can assist you on your quest, but only when you are truly in need."

"But that's not how-" protested Kate.  She was silenced by a warning
glance from Illyria.

"Are you ready to go?" asked the party's new guide.

"Lead the way," said Dan.

------------

"I'm really tired," whined Scott.  Four hours had passed since the
heroes had left Odan.  The journey back down the Ridiculously Tall
Mountain had been treacherous due to the absence of any good light
source other than the occasional lightning strike.  The bulk of the
mountain still loomed behind them.  To the south the shimmering city of
Cidgard stretched to the horizon.

"We can stop if you like," the one known as Joel said, much to the
relief of Scott (and Damien, who had been carrying her for well over an
hour).  The party quickly set up their three tents.

"I hope you brought your own," said Dan to their guide.

"Actually, yes, I did," he responded, placing a cube on the ground.
After a few seconds it deployed into a small one-man tent.

"Cool," commented Kate as she built the fire for their dinner.
Everyone suddenly realized that they hadn't eaten since breakfast.

"What do we have to eat?" asked Ardweden.

Everyone looked at Dan, who was suddenly regretting his self-nomination
to leadership.  "Hey, don't look at me!  It's not my fault!"

"NOBODY thought about getting supplies in Cidgard?"  Scott was
incredulous.

"It's not like we had all that much money, Scott."  Kate's voice of
reason proved pitifully weak.

"We're doomed...." Ardweden mourned.

"Hey, guys, I think I saved some of my fried womp rat if you want
that," offered Damien.  The others looked sick.

The smell of cooking food caught everyone's attention.  They looked up
to see their guide roasting a small fish over the fire.

"Where did you get that?" demanded Ardweden hungrily.

"I brought it with me," the one known as Joel said.  "Why?"

The famished heroes watched as he put a steaming morsel into his mouth
and chewed it contentedly.  "Could we have some?" begged Kate.
"Please?"

"Well..."

"PLEASE???"

"Sure, I guess."  In retrospect, a delaying action would have been
wiser.  No sooner had he said this than the adventurers had ravenously
stripped the fish clean to the bone.

"Food...." said Dan, his mouth full of the flaky white meat.

"Do you have any more?" asked Scott hopefully.

"No, that's it," Joel said, much to the disappointment of the others.
"Well, I'm off to sleep.  See you in the morning."  With that he
entered his tent.

"Still...hungry..." complained Ardweden.

The heroes crowded around the fire as the temperature started dropping
in earnest.  Overhead, the clouds parted, revealing a brilliant
moonless night.  A meteor left a long white trail in the sky.

Two small moths drifted by, attracted by the flames.  "No, Larry!
Don't look at the light!" cried one.  "I can't help it..." droned the
other.  "It's so beautiful...."  (Naturally, the relevant value of this
scene was exceptionally low.)

"So, Steve," said Kate, staring into the fire, "you never told us about
the dream you had."

The designated sidekick looked up uneasily.  "Do you really want me to
tell you?"  The others nodded.  "Alright, but don't blame me if you
don't like it..."

------------

Dawn came early.  Thin, high clouds drifted by, while wisps of fog
clung to low patches of grass until being blown away by a gentle
northern wind.  Golden light spread rapidly over the plain,
illuminating isolated groves of short trees.  To the west Valhallo
slowly emerged from the shadows, revealing itself in fully-rendered
splendor.

"Come on, you guys!" called a voice from outside.  "Time to get
moving!"

Kate rolled over and looked at the still-dark walls of the tent.  "What
time is it?" she muttered.  She tapped Ardweden on the arm.  "Time to
get up, Ard."

"Need...food..."

The two joined the other heroes, one mascot, and one guide around the
burned ring of the previous night's campfire.

"How did you sleep?" asked a very tired Dan.

"Not too well," responded Kate.

"Shall we?" asked Joel, who unlike the rest of them had slept
relatively well.  The asleep-on-their-feet party trudged after him.

------------

The sun burned straight down on the adventurers.  All were greatly
relieved when they found a cluster of shade trees.

After a few minutes of resting, Damien spoke up.  "It's not fair,
though!  How come I got left out of Steve's dream?"

"Be quiet, Damien," said a weary Dan irritably.  "At least you didn't
die."

"What's this?" asked their guide.  Everyone ignored him.  "It's OK, you
don't have to tell me..."

"How much farther?" asked Steve.  "I thought it was pretty close."

"If we're going in the right direction, we should be there by tonight."

"IF?"  Dan glared at their guide.  "What do you mean, IF?"

"You're saying that we might be going the wrong way?"  Ardweden
demanded.

"Hey, it's not my fault!"

In the distance thunder rolled from the clouds of foreshadowing.  Kate
suddenly peered into the distance.  "Someone's coming!"  Indeed, a
distant horse was heading in their direction, bearing a cloaked rider.

After a few minutes the rider dismounted under the trees.  The heroes
eyed the familiar person warily.  "Hello, everyone," he called.

"Oh.  Hi, Dev," Joel called back.  He looked past the newcomer.
"Where's Dead Tom?"

"Dead Tom's dead," Devast8or stated.

"I suppose it was inevitable."

"What are you doing here?" interrupted Scott.

The cloaked figure faced the party.  "I'm afraid that I gave your guide
the wrong set of directions."

"See?" muttered Joel, but everyone ignored him.

"You WHAT?" Thoughts of evil found there way into Scott's head.

"Well, it can only be expected.  I still had to tell Odan where the
seal was, so I guess that-"

"You know where the seal is?!"  Dan moved forward threateningly.  "And
you didn't tell us?!"

"Of course not.  Author's prerogative."  Fortunately, although not by
accident, none of the adventurers caught that second sentence.

"Come with us, please," said Ardweden.  The heroes led the unsuspecting
Devast8or through some trees into a clearing, leaving a confused
mascot, tour guide, and horse behind.  Actually, the horse ran off, so
just a mascot and tour guide.

------------

"FINAL WAI!"  Ardweden delivered a flurry of blindingly fast punches
and spinning kicks, flashing shoes leaving blurred lines in the air.
The cloaked one deflected each attack effortlessly.

The heroes regrouped, breathing heavily.  "It's...not fair..." wheezed
Dan.

"......." commented Illyria.

"We even used our Level 4 limit breaks," gasped Steve, "...and we still
couldn't touch him!"

"Pathetic mortal slug-fiends!" The one known as Devast8or smiled in an
evil manner.  "I have but one weakness!"

Dan suddenly brightened and reached into a compartment of his suit.
"One weakness, eh?  Well, how about..." He pulled out a glowing green
crystal.  "...this piece of kryptonite!  Are you feeling weaker, my
friend?  Weaker?"

Devast8or looked at him.  "No, that's Superman's weakness."

"OK, then..."  Dan reached into another compartment.  "How about...this
yellow piece of paper!  Are you getting weak, Devast8or?  Weak?"

"No, that's the Green Lantern's weakness."

"What about...this bucket of water!"  Dan retrieved the said item and
splashed Devast8or with it.  "Are you melting, my friend?  Melting?"

"No, that's the Wicked Witch of the West's weakness."

"Well then, what is your weakness?"

"Do you really think I'm dumb enough to tell you that?"

The heroes looked at each other.  "Yes," said Ardweden.

"You're right.  It's..."

------------

A minute later, the heroes walked out of the clearing.

"That was remarkably fun," said Scott happily.  The others agreed with
her.

Their guide noticed their return.  "We have to get moving.  Do you need
to rest a little longer, or are you ready to go?  Dev gave me a map
that shows how to get to Lusankya, so-"  He noticed the "..." emanating
from the party.  "What?"

"Can we see that?"  Joel nodded, and Dan took the map from him.  "Hey,
what language is this in?!"

"Jaspanish, I believe."

"The hell?"

"Look."  The guide pointed to a drawing of a city on the map with a
picture of a raised forearm next to it.  "Nos oosharán aquí: They will
taunt us here."

"....."

"The time has come to be gone," Joel said, noticing that the sun was
already sinking.  "I guess we won't get to the kingdom before
tomorrow."

The adventurers followed him out of the nice, cool shade into the hot
sunlight.

------------

"Could you please stop that?" asked Scott.

"Hmmmm?"

"You've been humming the Triple Triad theme for the past two hours."

"Oh.  Sorry."

------------

"Well, I think we'll get there around noon."

"OK," came Kate's enthusiastic reply.  She was once again making a fire
out of some twigs she had found.

"We still don't have any food," complained Dan, coming over to join the
rest if the party by the fire.

A soft chewing sound became audible over the crackling of the burning
wood.  The heroes turned to see their guide munching on a piece of
dried meat (it turned out to be bantha meat, but that doesn't really
matter).

"Hey!  Where'd you get that!"  Seven pairs of hungry eyes watched as he
bit off another chunk.

"Ummm...I don't know..."

"....."

"Tell you what," said Joel, noticing that his food had become the
center of attention.  "I'll play you Bones-Oosha-Spear for it."

The heroes looked blank.  "What?" Ardweden asked.

"Bones-Oosha-Spear.  It's a very popular game in Cidgard."

"Ooh, a minigame!" said Kate exitedly.  "Teach me, teach me!!"

The others left the ninja and sat back down around the fire.  They just
couldn't tell a good game when they saw one.  Their loss.

"OK," explained Joel.  "There are three different moves to choose from:
Bones..."  He crossed his arms in front of him in imitation of a set of
crossbones.  "...Oosha..."  He raised his forearm in taunting position.
"...and Spear."  He thrust his arm forward, spear fashion.

Kate nodded and practiced doing the three moves, taking everything in
stride.

"Now, the rules are as follows:  Bones always defeats Spear, Spear
always defeats Oosha, and Oosha always defeats Bones."

"And...?" asked Kate after a few seconds.

"And that's it.  Ready to play?"

"Sure."

"Alright, best three out of five.  1...2...3...BONES!"  He crossed his
arms.

"OOSHA!" said Kate simultaneously.  "Hey, I win!"

"Beginner's luck," muttered Joel.  "OK, 1...2...3...SPEAR!"  He made a
spearing motion with his hand.

"BONES!  Wai!  I win again!"

".....1...2...3...OOSHA!"

"SPEAR!"

"That's so not fair," grumbled the guide as Kate took the Bantha steak
from him and joined the others.

After doing a lot of nothing for an hour, the heroes pitched their
tents and went to sleep under the overcast night.

------------

"Has anyone seen my Beatdown Stick of Beatdown?" asked Steve, looking
around frantically.

"You mean the one Cid gave to you?"  Scott asked.

"Yeah.  I put it over here somewhere, but it just dis-"

"Oh, THAT one."  Kate nodded in understanding.  "Well, our firewood
supply was getting kind of low, so-"

"WHAT?!!"  He ran over to the charred remains of the previous night's
fire.

"Well, you weren't doing anything useful with it."

Steve didn't hear her.  "My source of power..."  He picked up the ashes
in his hands, letting the black flakes sift through his parted fingers
and fall slowly to the earth.

The one known as Joel emerged from his tent.  "Good, you're all
awake."  He stretched his arms.  "Well, Lusankya should only be a few
miles away."

"Good," said Dan, eager to return to civilization and, more
importantly, to abundant sources of food.  The other adventurers voiced
similar opinions, aside from Illyria, naturally, and Steve, who was
still crushed from the loss of his first effective weapon.

With that the band of eight moved off into the brightening day.

------------

The small city-state of Lusankya spread before the adventurers.  From
their hilltop vantage point they could make out guards patrolling
between the towers of the high fortified walls.  Low houses crowded
around narrow streets, packed tightly within the city boundaries.  In
roughly the center a black, ominous fortress stood out, commanding a
view of the surrounding valley.  As the heroes watched a large regiment
marched out through the massive city gates.

"We have to break into this place?" Dan asked incredulously.

"I pity dese foos!!" The party turned quickly to find a large black man
with numerous gold chains and a mohawk.

"Mr. T?" The man did indeed look very much like Mr. T, leading to
Scott's confusion.

"No, foo.  I's a Mr. E, foo."

"Mr. E?"  Kate caught the really bad pun, and apparently everyone else
did, too.

"Da's right, foo."

"TO VICTOLY!!"  Dan failed to wait for the others before transforming
into a walking arsenal and attacking the new arrival.

"What you sayin', foo?!"  The one calling himself Mr. E picked up Dan
and threw him into a tree.

"Oww....."

"I's one helluva tough cat," he said proudly.  "Now you's gonna get
beat!  I pity da foos!"  With that he blew a whistle and vanished.  In
his place an enormous skeleton slowly materialized.

"It's...Bones..." said Joel, finding the closest rock to hide behind.
Damien followed him, as did Steve, having been stripped of the ability
to do any real damage.

"No kidding," agreed Scott.

"Go, go, destined heroes!!" came a voice from the sky.  Dan, who had
gotten back on his feet, arched an eyebrow.

"Was that really necessary?" he muttered as the party lined up in front
of their adversary.

Everyone looked up as the word "Dantetsuken" appeared in the air
directly above the skeleton.  No sooner had this happened than the
heroes disappeared, although they could still see what was going on.

"What's happening?" asked the disembodied voice of Scott.

"Odan," concluded Kate.

The clouds overhead darkened and large drops of rain began falling,
forming small puddles on the ground.  A great figure approached on
horseback, a large sword-axe in one hand, pink karate gi contrasting
sharply with the dull background.  The horse slowly advanced, hooves
splashing in the standing water.  Lightning crackled, and the horse
reared up, its breath leaving a trail of steam in the cold air.  Then
the rider charged forward, casting his weapon aside.  He raised first
his right forearm, then his left, then his right again.  Kanji for
"OOSHA" scrawled across the sky, and then both he and the horse
disappeared.  The heroes reappeared exactly where they were before.

It should be noted that all items constructed from bones are
exceptionally weak against taunting.  (Why?  Don't ask; that's just the
way it is.  No, I'm serious, don't ask.  Yes, that applies to you,
too.)  Accordingly, the skeleton instantly exploded into thousands of
fragments, pelting the heroes with a hail of shards.

"Ow!" complained Scott.

Dan was too absorbed to notice.  "Odan...." he breathed, overwhelmed by
what he had just seen.

"I'm gonna be sick," groaned Ardweden.

Mr. E suddenly appeared in front of the party.  "You's some tough cats,
foo."  He ran off and hopped into his car, which had also appeared out
of nowhere.  "But you can't catch me!  My Yugo's FAST!!"  He kicked the
car into gear and sped off towards the horizon at a blazing three miles
an hour.

"...." commented Illyria.

"On to the city!" proclaimed Kate.

------------

The alley was dark and quiet.  The staccato of distant footsteps echoed
off the walls, multiplied tenfold in number.  Behind the heroes the
towers lining the city wall were still barely visible over some of the
lower rooftops.  Suddenly they noticed that their guide was lagging far
behind, nervously glancing over his shoulder.

"What's your problem?" asked Dan impatiently.

"I shouldn't have come..." Joel said weakly.

"Five minutes ago you were complaining about being left behind," Scott
pointed out.

"That's because something bad was going to happen outside, but now that
I'm coming something bad is going to happen to me here..."

"Nothing bad is going to happen to you," soothed Ardweden.

"Oh yeah?!  Then what's my last name?"

"Ummm.....I don't know," admitted Steve.

"Nobody knows!!  You know why?  Because my character's not important
enough to have a last name!!  Because I'm gonna die in the first five
minutes!!!"

"Joel, you have a last name," assured Kate.

"DO I?!! DO I?!!....."

"Sure you do," said Steve.

"WHAT?!!!"

"Uh, Joel....Extra?"

"YOU'RE NOT HELPING!!!!"  He started sobbing.  Kate and Steve did their
best to comfort him.

"No reward is worth this," muttered Dan.

------------

The heroes glanced around at the cathedral-like hall.  On both sides
were broad stairways, one leading up and the other leading down.  Dim
light filtered into the room.  Behind them the wooden doors had just
swung shut, hiding the four unconscious guards from view.

"Shouldn't we have hidden them inside?" asked Steve.  Apparently nobody
heard him.

Dan, being the leader, spoke up.  "Now to find..."  He looked at Kate.
"What are we looking for again?"

Kate facepalmed.  "We have to retrieve the Led Zeppelin collection from
the clutches of the evil Yelir Rm.  Don't you remember?"

"Oh, yeah, right."

"Nice to know we have a leader with such good memory," commented Scott
wryly.

"Which way?" asked Ardweden.  Everyone looked at Joel, who was leaning
in a dark corner.

"I don't know," he said quietly.

"Wait, I thought Odan said that you knew-"  Steve paused.  "No, I guess
he didn't."

"Well, what now?" Scott looked at the self-proclaimed leader.

"Maybe we should split up," suggested Dan.

After much deliberation it was decided that Ardweden, Illyria, Scott,
and Damien would search the upper floors while Dan, Kate, Steve, and a
very reluctant Joel would go down the other set of stairs.

------------

"Wai!  Shiny!"  Ardweden stared down the long hallway, transfixed by
the gilded marble columns.  Light shone through an open door at the
end.

"Come on, Damien!" called Scott.  "Keep moving!"

The phoenix was panting from having to carry three passengers up a few
thousand steps.  "I am NOT a chocobo..."

------------

The other three heroes and one guide lacked a similar transport.  After
about twenty minutes of descending very steep stairs they were all
quite thankful to find the floor again.

After the party had rested, Dan led them through a narrow
doorway...straight into the lair of Yelir Rm.  The stone hall was
exceptionally large, as it had to fit an exceptionally large occupant.
Actually, exceptionally large was perhaps a little too kind.  Let's
just say that the earth revolved around him as much as he revolved
around the earth.  In the background some incredibly annoying and
repetitive New Age music was playing.

"Jabba the Hutt?" wondered Dan.

"Baron Harkonnen?" asked Steve.

"I am....Yelir Rm!" declared the one know as Yelir Rm, emitting a deep,
rumbling laugh (actually, it was kind of reminiscent of a Jabba laugh).

"I'm doomed..." muttered Joel.

"Who is he?" asked Kate.

"The avatar of high-mass physics teachers."

"HA!"  Yelir Rm laughed.  "I AM physics!"

"Come on!" cried Dan, undergoing transformation.  "He can't be that
tough!"

"What are you torque-ing about?"  He laughed some more at his own
pitiful humor.  The party collectively rolled their eyes.

Kate pulled up her mask.  Steve decided to become a ninja himself.  And
Joel just did his best not to get killed in the crossfire.

"ARMOR SHOT!!"  A projectile fired from Dan's shoulder-mounted cannon,
leaving a broad shockwave in its wake.  He didn't aim all that
carefully, but it's not like he could have missed.

Yelir Rm held out his fat hand.  "WAITING!"  The bullet froze in
midair, Matrix-style.

Steve lept at the enemy, nerf sword drawn.  This was a serious mistake
for three primary reasons.  First, it was a NERF sword.  Second, as
sidekick Steve had a propensity for getting horribly clobbered in
battle.  Finally, he was jumping toward quite possibly the largest
single mass in the entire RPG world.  Needless to say, Steve found
himself instantly incapacitated by the exceptional gravitational field
emitted by Yelir Rm.

"FORCE EQUALS MASS TIMES ACCELERATION!!!"  The behemoth in the faded
blue lab coat proceeded to flick Steve on the head, sending him flying
into the opposite wall.  "I am EEVIL!  EEEEVIL!!!"

Kate threw her chackrum at the evil one.

"WAITING!!"  The sharpened frisbee obediently halted.

The three heroes regrouped and prepared for a coordinated strike.  "On
three..." said Dan.

None of them were prepared for what followed.  "GRAVITY!!!"  The walls
of the room seemed to bend inwards, and the party fought to remain
standing on the ground.  Fixtures attached to the walls were ripped
loose by the incredible force exerted on them.

The three adventurers doubled over after everything returned to normal.
The figure "9998" appeared over each of their heads.  Steve faltered
and collapsed to the floor, unconscious.  Kate and Dan struggled to
stay on their feet, breathing hard.  An evil laugh echoed through the
hall.

------------

"WAI!  FOOD!!"  Ardweden and Scott scrambled off the phoenix's back and
rushed headlong into the elegant banquet room.  Illyria stepped off
quietly and followed them.

They stopped short as the one known as Jar Jar Binks, clad in a flowing
black cloak and chain-mail suit, got up from his chair at the end of
the table.  Standing on either side of him were two black-armored
guards.  Damien looked over his shoulder as stormtrooper-type thugs cut
off the party's escape route.

"Weesa would be honored if yousa would join us," said Jar Jar, smiling
coldly.

------------

The dim jail cell was surprisingly modern considering the surrounding
structure.  When the three heroes entered, Damien was already sitting
down in a corner.   Next to him were two men in red and blue military
garb.  Damien was currently doing his best to convince them that he
was, in fact, a phoenix and not a chocobo.

"I feel terrible," complained Scott.  "That food was pretty awful."

Ardweden nodded in agreement.  One of the seated men noticed their
arrival and stood up.

"Hi.  Welcome to-"

"WEDGE!"  The other man stood up.  "I get to do the introductions!  No
pay for you this month!"

"Should've stayed home," grumbled the one known as Wedge.

"Biggs and Wedge?" asked Ardweden.

"Hey, how did you know?" demanded Biggs.

Just then another pair of prisoners walked in, dressed in what appeared
to be orange flight suits.  "Oh, I didn't know we had visitors!" said
one of them.  "I'm Wedge Antilles, and this-"  He indicated the other
man.  "-is Biggs Darklighter."

Scott looked confused.  "Biggs and Wedge?"

"Yes," said all four prisoners simultaneously.

"...." commented Illyria.

"Do you know where we can find Yelir Rm?" asked Scott hopefully.  They
all looked blank.  "I guess it was too much to hope for."

The door opened suddenly, causing the heroes to blink from the light.
After a moment Jar Jar entered, followed by two nondescript guards and
an equally nondescript officer.  "Hellosa, yousa prisoners.  Meesa
Darth Binks."  He took an ominous step forward, tripping on an uneven
part of the floor and falling flat on his face.

After getting up and brushing himself off, he turned to the officer.
"Yousa interrogate theesa prisoners, Cap'tin Needa."  He then stode out
of the room, followed by the guards.

Everyone's attention turned to Needa, who was blissfully unaware that
he was outnumbered eight to one.  "I must apologize, but I have orders
to-"  So ended the only line that he had in this entire chapter.

"ULTIMATE OVERKILL WAI WAI MAELSTROM OF GIANT HAPPY BARITONE DEATH!!"
cried Scott, brandishing her Ivory Wand of [[Power]].  What followed
was quite possibly the coolest looking spell this RPG had ever seen.
After the various particles settled, Scott looked with satisfaction at
the grim devastation.  "Apology accepted, Captain Needa."

The first set of Biggs and Wedge headed for the door.  "Well, I think
we'll just be on our way."

"Plagiarists," grumbled the other Biggs as the pair vanished from
sight.  "Let's go, Red Two."

"Yub yub," agreed Wedge, and with that the other set of Biggs and Wedge
made their exit.

"Come on, Damien!" called Ardweden.

"I am NOT a chocobo," insisted the manlike-birdlike one as the three
climbed onto his back.

------------

Joel watched as Yelir Rm slowly plodded forward to finish off the
heroes.  And then he realized that their victory or defeat revolved
around him, and he saw that there was only course of action he could
take, although it wasn't a pleasant prospect.

"I summon the avatar of bad-english-speaking calculus teachers, Gnow
Rm!"

The party, himself included, vanished, and in their place stood a
short, diminutive man with impossibly messy black hair and thick
glasses.  He was dwarfed by the gargantuan figure looming before him.
(Do not confuse him with the one known as Calculus;  whereas Calculus
is an actual person, this being is strictly imaginary.  No, I'm
serious.  Gnow Rm bears no resemblance to a certain calculus teacher of
mine.  Stop looking at me like that!  He doesn't.)

The one calling himself Yelir Rm laughed at the pathetically small
figure.  "Kinetic energy equals one-half mass times velocity squared!"
He stomped his foot on the ground, sending a shockwave rippling across
the floor.  Strangely, the other avatar remained standing.

"No!" cried the one known as Gnow Rm.  "Don't use physics!  You must
use caalqulus!"

Yelir Rm picked up a ring stand, a set of graduated cylinders, a lit
bunsen burner, and some beakers for good measure.  These he summarily
threw at his greatest rival.  "Momentum equals mass times velocity!"

"Pawabowa!" countered Gnow Rm.  The projectiles smoothly reversed
direction and headed back toward the very large source of gravitational
force.

"WAITING!!"  Yelir Rm attempted to use his ultimate weapon and was
shocked to find that it no longer functioned.  "Hey, you can't do
that!"

"I have made it undefinded," came the response.

The avatar of high-mass physics teacher would not be so easily
defeated.  "I am eevil, eeeevil!  You will be crushed by my gravity!!"
He performed his Jabba the Hutt laugh while taking a few steps in the
direction of Gnow Rm.

"Your mass approach to infinity, which imply that your density also
approach to infinity.  That is undefinded, so you are undefinded!"

Yelir Rm staggered backwards from the incredibly powerful attack as
Gnow Rm disappeared.  The two battered heroes, one KOed sidekick and
one relatively unharmed extra...uh, tour guide...returned.  Kate and
Dan examined the situation and, being at 1 HP, accessed their best
limit breaks.

"FINISHING STAR!!!"  Kate threw her Mythril Chackrum of Devastation,
which had by now returned to her hand, at the monstrosity.  It hit him
repeatedly, 9999 appearing multiple times over the various points of
impact.  Once the weapon had returned to the ninja's hand Yelir Rm was
doing all he could just to stand (which was no small task in itself).

Red arcs of raw energy flowed between the ground and Dan's suit.  "MY
FINAL CHOHATSU!"  He glanced at his hand, which began glowing with an
aura of shimmering white light.  Then he jumped forward and started
rolling, straight past their adversary.  Oblivious to his surroundings,
he continued rolling through the wall, which offered no resistance, and
onwards around the entire planet, exponentially picking up speed along
the way.  After several seconds Dan rolled in from the opposite
direction, stopping directly in front of Yelir Rm.  A mighty
"OOSHA!!!" shattered any remaining lab equipment and caused the once-
great physics avatar to fall over sideways, disintegrating into
thousands of polygons.  These promptly departed from the space-time
continuum, leaving a relatively empty room in their wake.  The
irritating New Age music stopped as an added bonus.

"YAHOOI!" shouted Dan triumphantly, reverting to his non-mecha form.
Kate pulled down her mask and took a deep breath.

"What's this?" she wondered, examining a flask sitting where their
enemy had stood moments earlier.  A label was stuck to one side.  "Acme
Megalixer," read Kate, elated.  "Wai!"  She immediately threw it into
the air, causing the number 9999 to appear in green over each party
member.  Steve got up after a moment and shook his head to clear it.

"Hey, we won!" Steve looked around at the battle-scarred hall.  "Dan,
what are you doing?"

Kate looked up and saw that the mecha was rummaging through the
numerous lab desks for something.  "I'm looking for those albums,"
replied Dan.  Kate and Steve nodded and soon joined him in the search.

After several unproductive minutes, Steve noticed that something was
missing.  "Wait a minute.  Where'd our guide go?"

"He was right over..."  Kate's voice trailed off as she noticed that
their guide had, indeed, gone somewhere.

"Do you guys hear something?" asked Dan.  Steve and Kate listened and,
sure enough, some faint music was coming through a doorway, which was,
incidentally, not there when the party had first entered the room.  The
heroes proceeded through the door and found...

"Oh, hey."  On a table in the small room was a stack of CDs.  Joel was
seated in a wooden chair wearing a set of headphones, which he removed
when the others walked in.  "I found the Led Zeppelin collection," he
stated, pointing to the pile.

"I thought we were looking for a bunch of records," mused Dan.

Kate and Steve merely shrugged.

------------

"Hurry up, Damien!  They're catching up!"  Scott glanced over her
shoulder at the horde of stormtroopers chasing after them.  She had
just turned around to face forward when she found herself airborne,
along with Illyria and Ardweden.  Damien lay tangled in the
monofilament tripwire.  When she opened her eyes the cowled form of
Darth Binks was standing over their sprawled bodies.

"Where is yousa be goin', peoples?" asked the lousy-comic-relief-
turned-mediocre-bad-guy Binks.  "Yousa in big doodoo dis time."  Behind
him the legion of stormtroopers formed a wide half-circle.

The heroes stood up shakily.  "I didn't want to fight," said Ardweden,
"but...DELTA WAI!!!"  She performed a triple jump front kick followed
by a falling heel drop.  Jar Jar, not exactly well suited to taking
damage of any sort, promptly collapsed in a heap.  As an added side
effect, Ardweden's flashing Nikes sent the stormtroopers into epileptic
seizures.

The adventurers then helped Damien up.  "I don't think what we're
looking for is on this floor," concluded Scott after looking around at
the blank walls of the corridor.  "Maybe we should go back downstairs
and meet up with the others."

"....." agreed Illyria.

Damien grudgingly allowed them to get up on his back once more.  "Are
you sure this is what party mascots are supposed to do?" he asked
doubtfully.

"Yes, Damien," asserted Scott.  "Now get moving."

------------

Three thousand stairs later, the magical girl spotted the other three
heroes and one tour guide sitting down at the head of the downward
staircase.  "Hey everyone!!!"  They wearily looked up to see an equally
tired Damien come trudging toward them.

"We found the collection," said Dan after a few seconds.

"Wai!"

"We should start heading back to Valhallo," commented Steve.

Everyone didn't seem to have a better plan, so after pirating some food
from the kitchen (which they stumbled across somehow), they headed out
of the Lusankya, never to return.  This can be said because soon after
they escaped over the perimeter walls the city was destroyed by a
colossal meteor, thus ending Jar Jar's short-lived career as a Sith.
Good things never last...

------------

"Giant Irradiated Hummingbird rule!"  Kate excitedly flipped over two
of her opponents cards.

"But...but...you can't DO that!" protested Joel.  Kate pulled out a fat
book and proved that it was in accordance with the official rules of
Quadruple Bypass.

The guide examined his hand carefully.  After much consideration he
placed his Odan card in the upper-right-hand corner of the board,
immediately taking Kate's Dan Hibiki card.  "Bones Explosion rule!" he
declared, taking Kate's senoB card as well.

"That's not in the book!"

"Yes, it is.  Rule #992.5."

Kate found the entry.  "992.5:  Bones Explosion rule.  All of your
opponents cards containing pictures of or references to bones are
automatically flipped over."

Kate glanced at her hand and then examined the board.  She only had
control of three cards, while Joel had eight.  She reluctantly placed
her Admiral Ozzel card down, failing to take any additonal cards.

"Strangulation of Stupid Clumsy Admirals rule!"  Joel placed his Darth
Vader card next to the Admiral Ozzel card, taking it.

Kate realized that her plight had become dire.  She played her Biggs
and Wedge card (the actual Biggs and Wedge, not the wannabes).  "Red
Squadron Death Star Run rule!"  She flipped over the Darth Vader card.

Then the guide played his final card, Yelir Rm, which he placed in one
of the center squares.  "Gravitational Constant rule!"  He proceeded to
take control of all of Kate's cards.

"That wasn't very nice!" she complained.

"It's not wise to upset a ninja," warned Dan, who was sitting by the
fire eating a piece of bread.

"But nobody worries about upsetting a guide," commented Joel.

"That's 'cause a tour guide don't pull peoples arms outta their sockets
when they lose.  Ninjas have been known to do that."

"I see."

"I suggest a new strategy," said Steve helpfully.  "Let the ninja win."

------------

The night had advanced quickly, the hazy cloud layer drifting away and
revealing a bright field of stars.  After eating their first good meal
in a few days the party members had gone to sleep.  Well, most of them.

Kate played her card.  "Death Junction to Status Attack rule!" she
exclaimed happily, placing her Mortavis card on the remaining square
and summarily flipping over every other card on the board.

"It's not fair," grumbled Joel.  His money supply was dwindling
rapidly.

"Another game?" Kate grinned as she pulled the armful of winnings over
to her side.

------------

The new day dawned, clear and bright.  The heroes had just broken camp
and were currently enjoying a breakfast of roasted pop tarts.  (Nobody
could explain how they came to be in the party's inventory, but nobody
really cared, either.)  After putting out the fire, the adventurers set
off once more for the Ridiculously Tall Mountain, which rose imposingly
before them.

Unfortunately, Damien adamantly refused to carry seven passengers,
saying that even chocobos wouldn't do that.  As a result, their speed
was severely restricted, as Scott made sure to point out.  (In reality,
it was no slower than when they were traveling to Lusankya from
Valhallo, but everyone seemed to ignore this fact.)  A few hours later
the magical girl was whining about how tired she was.  As it was almost
time for lunch anyway, the adventurers decided to rest in a
conveniently placed grove of trees.

------------

"You again!"  Dan stared in disbelief at the cloaked figure standing in
the shade.

"Indeed," replied the one known as Devast8or.

"But we defeated you!" said Scott.

"So certain are you?"  Devast8or paused.  "I will now laugh at you for
reasons you cannot possibly comprehend!  HA HA HA HA HA!!!!"

"You...you..." Scott glared dangerously him.

"I am not a you-you.  For your information, I am a me-me."

"......"  Dan had pulled eight sets of earplugs from somewhere.  These
he distributed to the party members, himself included.  He then
extracted a walkman from somewhere else and inserted an innocent-
looking CD into it.

Devast8or noticed his actions and ran forward to stop him.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO......!!!!!"

"Why are you running in slow motion?" asked Kate.

"It's...more...dramatic!"

And then Dan hit the play button.

------------

"I never knew Elton John could have such a negative effect on people,"
commented Steve, looking back at the still-smoldering cluster of trees.
The heroes traveled on for a few more minutes before Scott started
complaining again.

"I'm still tired."

"Hey, Dan," said Kate suddenly, "why don't you turn into an SUV again?
That way we could get to Valhallo much earlier than if we walked."

"Oh yeah...."  Dan felt kind of stupid for not having thought of that
before (as in two days before).  Well, not that stupid, considering
that he wasn't the only one who forgot about it.  Soon everyone, except
for Damien, who couldn't fit, had piled into Dan.  The phoenix was
stuck running alongside the mecha-turned-vehicle, even though he
protested on the grounds that he was NOT a chocobo.

And the rest, they say, is history.

------------

Or not.

"Welcome back, destined heroes!"  Odan looked the party over.  "I see
you have returned with my Led Zeppelin collection.  Impressive....most
impressive."

"Can you tell us where the next seal is now?" asked Kate hopefully.

"Yes, I can."  He pointed to the northwest.  "It's that way."

The party, again with the exception of Illyria, facefaulted.

"And now, for your reward."  Odan held out his hand, palm-upward.

"I don't see anything," noted Scott.

"Not this again," muttered Joel, who refrained from elaborating.

"There's nothing there," Dan concluded after looking closely.

"Exactly!" proclaimed Odan.  "You get a whole lot of nothing!  Don't
spend it all in one place!"

"....."

Odan paused.  "Oh, yes, and one more thing..."  He reached behind his
throne and pulled out a small rock, which he gave to Dan.  "This is the
second of the three stones of Melkor.  When combined they will do...."

"What?" inquired Steve.

"...Something really cool."  This was obviously not a very satisfactory
answer.  "You already possess the first of these stones."

"We do?"  Scott looked puzzled.

"The one calling himself SaikyoKun gave it to you," clarified Odan.

Dan checked the party's inventory.  "Well, here it is," he said after
finding the first stone buried under some other supplies.

Odan continued.  "I can continue to assist you in battle, but only if
you are truly in need of my help."

Kate took that as her cue.  "The next seal awaits!"  The other heroes
and one mascot followed her out the door, leaving their guide behind.

"Do I HAVE to turn into an SUV again?" grumbled Dan.

Ardweden glanced at him.  "You know, Dan-"

"Did you call me, mortal?" asked Odan.

"....."

"Goodbye, you guys," said the one known as Joel.  Once they had set off
into the afternoon sun he asked Odan, "Do you really think they bought
that 'Here's nothing' trick?"

"Probably not," came the response.  "And now, to listen to those Led
albums!"

------------

The heroes were unaware that on a distant mountain stood a lone figure
next to a battered Yugo.  He watched as they began their descent down
Valhallo...straight into his trap.

"I pity da foos!"  He let out an evil laugh.




------------

AUTHORS NOTES:

You are required by law to read these.  Resistance is futile.

In case you didn't know, this is my first time writing for Impro.  I
found creating this chapter to be exceptionally time consuming (reasons
for this are apparent) although pretty fun, too.  I had some of the
scenes planned out ahead of time, but connecting them proved to be
rather difficult.  Hopefully my title lives up to its name; however,
feel free to try and beat me (lengthwise).  I never really intended for
the chapter to get as long as it did, but I don't think that should be
a problem as it holds together relatively well (except possibly the
part leading up to the end, which was written at three in the morning).

References to just about everything I could think of are scattered
throughout.  Obviously Star Wars was a primary source, with FF8 coming
in second.  The other two that I can think of are Muppet Treasure
Island and Galaxy Quest, both of which are remarkably funny.  If you
haven't seen them I definitely recommend doing so.  And yes, both Mr.
Riley and Mr. Wong are teachers of mine.  I was having a hard time
coming up with original names.

Before thanking everyone else, I would like to hail Led Zeppelin as the
major source of background music for writing this chapter.  Please
don't sue me for using the name.  I mean you no harm.  Also, a lot of
the references in this chapter are probably to registered trademarks of
copyrighted material.  Obviously, I don't want to imply that all your
trademark are belong to me (mostly for obvious reasons, like Jar
Jar...)

Thanks go to Midnight Star for letting me use her in this chapter, even
if her part ended up being pitifully insignificant (hey, it's not my
fault).  Thanks go to Scott Schimmel for starting OWFT, even though I
don't think I've seen him in the chat room more than once or twice
(having limited internet access can isolate one from the rest of
intelligent humanity).  Mucho thanks to SaikyoKun and senoB for
prereading.  Also, thanks go to them for giving me a lot of ideas to
use.  And thanks go to SaikyoKun for giving me a heads-up about what
was going to be in his episode, which allowed me to get an extra day to
write this thing.  Of course, thanks go to myself...no, wait, I didn't
say that.  Finally, thanks go to Mortavis, Garrett, and Spa-am for
allowing themselves to be inserted.  Of course, all of them are me...

And remember, if you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
your life.

-Joel "Devast8or" Extra

"You know, sometimes I amaze even myself."

"That doesn't sound too hard."

"Who's the more foolish, the fool or the fool who follows him?"

"Both."

"Asps...very dangerous...you go first."

"Obey your anachronistic guide to existential statistical truncated
isoscidodecahedrons of general analytical
counterquasiproantiunredemidisestablishmentarianism."

"The Force will be with you...always."