"Mrs. Ikari, it's so good to see you again." The room smelled like polyester. Suspiciously comfortable chairs peppered the floor in a circular pattern. Soft yellow sunlight filtered in through spacious windows, tall panes of glass that almost replaced the walls. The carpet, stiff and unyielding to the feet, gave one the desire to sit down. In one of the few areas of real dry wall, a poster depicted a kitten hanging onto a clothesline for dear life. "It's good to see you again, too, Martin." Yui cheerfully hugged the man. He was a roly-poly specimen, bulging out of his blue sweater vest and khaki pants, straining the pressed white dress shirt beneath. His smile could easily be called forced, except it felt like a shame to expose such a careful lie. Dark blond hair pressed down over his scalp under the influence of liberal gel. He let his dark blue eyes show a professional twinkle. Gendo and Shinji glowered as one, keeping a blind eye to each other. The son had thrown on his old school outfit. The father was equally unimaginative with his NERV uniform, glasses and all. Only Yui showed any spirit for the occasion, gracefully showing off a pink sundress wrapped up in a yellow floral design. "And you two must be Gendo and Shinji." Martin shifted his attention from Yui to the two Ikari men. "Yui has said so much about both of you. It's quite a pleasure to meet you. I'm almost overwhelmed, meeting two men of your reputations. The genius and the warrior, the general and the king, the father and the son...you two are famous, you know. I hope we can be friends." He thrust a hand out towards Gendo. Bespectacled eyes glanced down at the hand, then back up to Martin's face. "You have a tendency for the obsequious, doctor. I doubt we will get along." Yui's eye twitched. Gendo could feel her glare. Martin calmly let it pass and turned towards Shinji. He puzzled a bit. "Shinji, I was told there were two of you. Did the other one refuse to come?" If Shinji meant to put emotion in his response, he failed. "Mom didn't think he should come along for now. She thought he would tell me to kill Dad again." An icy silence followed. Composing himself, Martin took a few steps back, then turned towards the chairs. "Make yourself comfortable, please. I'd like to start the session right away." "I agree." Yui shot death ray eye-beams at her husband and son. Symbolically, of course. "We have so much to work through...as a family." Her last few words snapped through the air like a dried twig. Shinji would never understand why he felt compelled to do it, but he leaned over a little and whispered to his dad. "This is the best family counselor Mom could find?" "She never made that claim." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Shinji's Alternate Universes If you thought `Utena' was the product of a diseased mind... Episode 10: Eva Dead 3(-2)--Asuka Langley Soryuu VS. The Army of Darkness! This whole mess was started by Farsan de Arnibia. But don't expect Nick Callahan to clean any of it up. Neon Genesis Evangelion was created by Anno Hideki and is the property of Gainax Studios. The Evil Dead franchise, Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn, and Evil Dead 3: Bruce Campbell VS. The Army of Darkness were created Sam and Ivan Raimi and are the property of Universal Studios and Dino De Laurentus Communications. Record of a Yokohama Shopping Trip was created by Ashinano Hitoshi and is distributed Kodansha Afternoon. [/legal text] ----------------------------------------------------------------------- #Asuka_chat So, we're standing there on the cliffside. And it's completely romantic. But all of a sudden, he panics and tells me he has to run- off! That jerk. Why do you still give him the time of day? He said he made a promise to do something else... With who? *Hikari sighs. "Kensuke." Unreal Tournament? ...Yeah. Huh? They had a game of UT and they didn't tell me?! *Hikari sweatdrops. *Misato hangs her head. "I don't think they appreciate your `sucking chest wounds' patch, Asuka." Wimps. I wouldn't freak over it, Hikari. Sometimes, guys just need to play. He has to keep promises, right? Okay...but he owes me for ruining our date! I never said he didn't. *** IdShinji has joined channel #Asuka_chat [IdShinji] Insert "Estuans Interius" >>>here<<< Ack! You. *Misato cracks her knuckles. "Can we help you with something?" Good morning, girls. I was hoping to catch Asuka. What? Let's play a game! Please, I don't need this shit. Oh, trust me, this will be a very invigorating game. And the prize might interest you. Okay, I'll bite. What's this marvelous prize? If you win, I'll tell you one of Shinji's secrets. Right. No, sorry. Just not interested. Uh...er...wha? That's not supposed to be how it goes... I just couldn't care less about any "secrets" that idiot has. What, do you expect to blush and wonder if he has a crush on me? Kinda...yeah... *Asuka laughs. *Hikari has to wipe tears from her eyes. *Misato rolls on the floor. You guys suck...Fine, you want to play hardball? Do it or I'll flood the channels with Shinji's masturbation fantasies. And I've got a whole boatload of sexual frustration revved up and ready to go! ... Do it, Asuka. Why? Because some things humanity is better off not knowing. This better not be hentai. Trust me! You'll love it! ********** *Temporal subdimension "Cabin in the woods" created. * *Empty saved state protocol used: Loading universe data...done. * *Waiting for souls: * *IdShinji joins. *Asuka joins. * *Assigning roles...done. * *START! ********** >From the front, the cabin looked pleasant enough. A nice, squat wooden box, it exuded a homey warmth that would make anyone glad to see it. The house sat in a natural clearing, walled on all sides by the thick, dark trees. An imperfect dirt road connected it to the main highway. The cabin was an ideal retreat. The signs of a broken tranquility, though, were all too obvious. The remains of an old car, it's model now impossible to decipher, were parked in front of the cabin. The car was smashed in from the top down, as if some giant hand had pounded on the metal. Even the engine block had been compressed by the blow. Asuka idly tossed aside the rear-view mirror. She had expected to be tossed right into the middle of whatever sick fantasy Shinji could come up with. Instead, she found herself in this pastoral scene. She even had decent clothes on, a red flannel top and blue jeans. She waited for the other shoe to drop. Another walk of the perimeter showed only what she had found the first time. All the plants, even the grass, had been trampled down by activity. Each of the ground floor windows was smashed to glittering shards. The outer wall of the bedroom was pushed in, with the furniture inside thrown on its side. In the distance, she could make out a crude grave. She had already seen it and didn't feel like going back. The hole was swallow, dug haphazardly and with speed in mind. The vague outline of a body could be made out in the piled dirt. A cross, made from two fence posts tied together, crowned off the presentation. On the wood, someone had knifed the words "Rei Ayanami". When this shoe drops, Asuka thought to herself, it's going to be a big one. Unsure of what to do next, Asuka venture inside the cabin. It was still clean, relatively. Some papers here and there, but none of the ruckus found in the bedroom. On the desk lay a pile of open books, academic texts on archaeology. A tape recorder was left on, with the tape run out. Asuka switched it off. Bored out of her mind, she raided the fridge. Most of the food was rotten, but there were a couple of canned sodas. The coke hissed as she popped it open, leaning against the counter. "Is this it?" No reply came. ` "I'm hardly impressed." Casually, she picked up a knife and tested its weight. If worse came to worse, he had supplied her with a number of sharp objects. Whoever stocked this kitchen really liked butcher knives. Then, unexpectedly, the sun set. Which isn't to say it set normally. It set quite rapidly, in fact, like a sped-up videotape. In a matter of seconds, the shadows stretched themselves out and the few remaining ribbons of light faded away. Asuka had only taken her third sip when she found herself completely in the dark. Trying to remain casual, she put her soda down and moved away from the window, backing up towards the common room. The hand around her knife tightened, ready to react. Maybe he has something big coming, she thought to herself. He was, after all, Shinji's id. He'd have a wealth of very impressive potential threats to insert here. Maybe, she considered while looking down at the knife, I need something heavier. Tool shed. Behind the house, there was a tool shed. Asuka made her way to the back door, through the kitchen. She stepped assertively, but just a little bit slower than she could have. The knife glittered in the darkness ahead of her. Taking an infinitesimal pause to breathe, she opened the screen door and walked out. A swallow breeze caressed her face. The forest was still and silent in the night air, like a display under water. The shed was a few yards away from the back porch, built in the back wall. Raising her knife a little higher, Asuka cautiously moved towards it. Something rattled on the planks behind her. She spun around and looked down. It was a wooden cross. It was made of fence posts. "What the-" Two bone white hands closed around her neck from behind. Talons composed of receding fingernails bite against her flesh, pressing to break the flesh. The strength was inhuman and the hands felt like solid steel. Reversing the knife, Asuka viciously sawed at one of the attached arms. The skin and muscle came apart with all the consistency of wax. Her attacker let go and Asuka jumped away, spinning the face them. Rei stared back at her with empty eyes. Her body, emaciated and rotting, stood naked in the moonlight. Claw-like hands twitched hungrily, a thin, slow stream of blood dribbling from one. She hissed through sharpened teeth. "Asuka...I need...your soul..." The knife spun around in Asuka's hand. "Like I said, I'm hardly impressed. It doesn't even talk like her." The dead Rei charged forward. Falling back on her hunches, Asuka weaved back and forth from the other girl's hand. The redhead slashed at Rei to ward her off, but it was no good. Half leaping, half running, Rei threw her entire body down at Asuka, grabbing maniacally at the knife. Asuka wrestled in return and surged forward. The knife plunged a good five inches into Ayanami's breast. Albino flesh seized and jogged, growing flacide mid-stride. Asuka heaved the corpse off of her and tossed it back across the porch. It almost toppled over, but at the last minute it sprung to life and retook its balance. Rei stared emotionlessly at the knife. "Rei," Asuka boggled. "Why aren't you dead? Deader?" "Asuka, death is not a quantitative state." With a few jerky motions, Rei yanked the knife out and brought it to bear on Asuka. Molasses black blood beaded on the tip of it. "Hey, you know what? Feel free to keep that." Asuka tried to get clear of Rei's swinging range. Rei lunged after her, stabbing for Asuka's throat. Asuka fell backwards and rolled across the ground, under Rei's attack. The wooden cross clattered as Asuka rolled over it. Remember it was there, Asuka scooped it up and swung it in counter-attack. The knife flew away from the blow and skittered to a halt somewhere in the night. Asuka took a second shot at Rei, catching her full across the face with the planks. Porch boards moaned as the zombie hit them. Asuka came down after her, pinning her knees across the undead chest. Raising the cross above her head, Asuka drove down the bottom end, previously sharpened by whomever put in the ground. The impromptu spike struck home just under Rei's chin. "If you think-- *huff* --that's all I got, then you-- *huff* -- have another thing coming." Asuka slowly rose to her feet. Shaking her limbs a couple of times, she continued onto the tool shed. Smirking with victory, she yanked open the door. Chainsaw. Yes. She pulled the instrument of mayhem from its cradled. The weight felt reassuring. With a single motion of the pull cord, the apparatus growled to life, shaking and choking in her hands. "Are you still with me, Rei? I'm going to finish it no-" There was the rip of flesh and the scuttling sound. Rushing out of the shed, Asuka found Rei's head was still pinned under the cross. The rest of her wasn't. "You failed to fully assessed all your options, Asuka." Rei's body emerged from the cabin, cocking a shotgun. Despite its lack of a head, it took a bead on Asuka. The Second Child dove to the other side of the shed, just as buckshot tore through the wood next to her. Two more shots followed, splintering wood. Asuka slide down the wall of the shed and a shot came through where he shoulder would've been. From behind her shield, Asuka picked out the tell-tale sound of Rei reloading her weapon. Her best opportunity to strike lay in the next half second. So she did the first thing she could think of. She threw the chainsaw. And it worked. Just as Rei tried to raise her weapon, the still spinning blade smacked against her shoulder, with messy result. Skin flew out in shreds as the impact knocked the gun down, discharging it against the ground. Asuka sprinted the intervening distance and grabbed the saw, forcing it back into the torso. For the next ten minutes, the night enjoyed the sound of whirling gore. * * * Ritsuko stood behind the counter, humming cheerfully. The coffeepot sputtered and rattled. All the tables were clean and sorted, ready for whatever customers might show up that day. Through the window, the road was its dusty old self, stretching on and on over the plains. Clouds flew by overhead, their quickness warning of coming rain. Her treasure glittered in her hand. She diligently polished it, going over each nook and cranny with practiced skill. Already, she had cleaned the barrel and the stock. The black metal reflected her face, like an ebony mirror. The gun looked as good as new. The coffeepot hissed. The blond woman poured herself a cup. She sat there, in her coffee house, drinking away her stock. She didn't know if she would have any business today. Sometimes, she could go two or three days in a row without seeing anyone, even her friends. If she was lucky, Ojisan might stop by or Takahiro or maybe even... "Ritsuko?" Maya Ibuki walked in, removing her riding goggles. Ritsuko smiled warmly at the younger girl, almost automatically in the motion of fishing out a cup for the new arrival. "Good morning, Maya." "Good morning, Ritsuko!" Maya chirped. "I hope I'm not interrupting anything." "Of course you aren't." Ritsuko poured a new cup and topped off her own. She motioned for Maya to take a set at the window seat. "There's never anything for you to interrupt. Do you want milk with your coffee?" "No, thank you." Maya bowed politely and took her usual seat. She blanched inside at the idea of ingesting protein while Ritsuko was watching. It seemed rude. "How have you been?" The saucers clattered as Ritsuko set them down. She took a space straight across from Maya. "Things have been just fine. Business is still slow, but I get enough from time to time. Is the delivery business well?" "I stay so busy, I just don't know what to do!" Maya blushed discreetly and looked down at her coffee. "A delivery, actually...I have another message for you." "Oh! Oh." Ritsuko blushed as well. She tried to find Maya's gaze, but chickened out and turned towards the window. "From Owner?" "Yes. I guess...we better get it out of the way right now." "Yes. We should." Slowly, the women turned to face each other. Ritsuko steeled herself and leaned forward, sticking out her tongue. Maya's blush went from discreet to very obvious in half a second, as the girl straightened up in her seat reflexively. Unclenching her fists, Maya leaned in to meet Ritsuko. She opened her mouth ever so slightly and...and...and... "So this is it, huh?" "Ack!" Maya toppled over in her seat. The entire universe froze. Ritsuko hung in the air, stoically ready for contact. Maya bounded to her feet, her skin beet red from hair to toes. "Can't you be polite?!" Aoba's grin ate shit. "I'm sorry. I had to see it in action." "I can't believe you." Maya simmered. With a flustered wave, she gestured to the prone Ritsuko. "There. Are you happy? There it is." "Amazing." Aoba circled the simulcrum. He nodded with approval. "It's almost a perfect copy. If I weren't for the fact that I can't feel it, I'd even swear that it has a soul. Is it true, that it can hold a consistent form and purpose outside the universe of origin?" Maya nodded with force. "Yes, yes. Its sensory matrix is independent of the universal input and its source defination rewrites itself for justification in whatever universe it's in." "Hyuuga said you were working on something like this, but I didn't think you'd get so far." He tapped Ritsuko's face. "I'm blown away here. Honest." "You'll be blown away in more way than one if you don't get out of here right now." Flames licked the edge of Maya's form. Aoba straightened himself up. One of his eyebrows cocked. "Can I take a picture?" "Get out!" And then he was gone. Maya sighed and shook her head, looking around at the simulation. Then she looked at Ritsuko, still waiting for that kiss. She just couldn't stand it anymore. "I can't do this now." Maya waved her hand and then the universe collapsed. Sensory data blurred and the descriptive data folded in on itself, reducing to more and more base elements. In a moment, the whole causality disappeared like a flower moving backwards. And all that left was Maya and her doll. * * * Asuka shuffled back into the common room. Her clothes were now thoroughly soiled. One hand clutched the shotgun, while the other hand lugged the chainsaw. All in all, she looked like a completely puckered- out goddess of annihilation, to be succinct. "Zombies. So it's going to be zombies. Well, that's just peachy." Not taking much regard to the tactical wisdom of the move, she set her weapons down against an armchair. She went over to the mirror, staring at herself intently. She looked a fright, balanced in that strange place between panic and composer. The blood definitely did nothing for her hair. "Bring it on, you psycho. Bring it all on. I can handle it. I feel fine. I feel just fine." Her reflection smirked. "We just turned the First Child into teriyaki. Does that sound `fine' to you?" Asuka exhaled deeply. "To be honest, I don't have that big a problem with it." The other Asuka boggled at this. It was obviously not the response she had expected. "Um...well...your mommy didn't love you!" "You little piece of-" Asuka grabbed her reflection by the throat and dragged it out of the mirror. Throwing it down on the ground, she put the offending doppelganger in a full nelson. "Say that again! I dare you to say that again!" No one said anything. Asuka realized she was lying on the ground, with her arms wrapped around her neck in an uncomfortable position. There was only one of her. "Cute! Real cute!" Asuka stood up, gazing angrily at the ceiling. "What's next? The lamp's going to insult me?" "Your hair clips are ugly." Asuka jerked around towards the lamp. It glowed nonchalantly. Wait a second, she told herself. It hadn't been turned on. Picking up the shotgun, she stalked over to the lamp. Slowly, waiting for it to bite, she reached over and pulled the chain. The light flickered out. "Oh, what a world! What a world!" A tiny voice shrieked. She turned it on and off over and over, in quick succession. This produced no further effect. Content the lamp was harmless, Asuka turned her back on it. Bristling, she thrust her hand skyward, giving whoever was up there the finger. The wind roared. The cabin shook. The trees rattled. The sound of creaking wood resounded. The braying of woodland animals followed. Insane gibbering echoed. And then all was silent again. Asuka pondered this. It probably meant something big was coming. After the Rei zombie, it could be anything. Whatever crushed the car, maybe? She steadied herself, prepared to look whatever that personification of a psychological theory sent straight in the eye. But she couldn't shake this weird, crushing feeling in her chest. A kind of hard throbbing that she feel against her ribs. It was disturbing, to say the least. It kinda felt like... She looked down. Her hand was groping her. "Gott in himmel?!" Asuka's hand smacked her a couple of times in the face. Reflexively, she brought the shotgun around on it, not sure what she would do. But her hand grabbed the barrel. Before she could react, it yanked the gun free of her obedient hand and tossed it in a corner. Finger's first, the hand shoved itself down Asuka's mouth. She took hold of it by the wrist and yanked it out, trying to hold it at arm's length from her. It writhed and clawed, making a high-pitch whiny. Desperately, she tried to think of a way to incapacitate it. The hand would have none of that. It flew forward, pulling Asuka off her feet. She hit the floor in a heap. The hand dragged over towards the fireplace, splinters from the floor collecting in her clothes. The hearth lit up in an impossible blaze, yawning with a flaming gullet. Asuka's eyes went wide when she saw what was coming. Her free arm snapped out and grabbed the leg of a small table. Tipping it over, she slammed the woodwork down on her evil hand. Pain shot up her arm, a happy little reminder that she could still feel it. Asuka braced herself and stood up, her arm still stretched out at full length towards the fireplace. She made her way back towards the armchair. Kneeling down very surely, she reached behind her back and pulled out the knife from her fight with Rei. The hand tittered inquisitively. She pinned it to the floor. Biting her lip, she picked up the chainsaw. She held it down with her foot as she started up the motor. It felt heavier when she held it with one hand, but her adrenaline was fresh. She brought it to bear on her wrist. "You better hope this doesn't scar, jackass." * * * #TheMen'sKouchClub I can't figure it out. She hasn't said anything to me all day. You weren't on a date? No! We both figured we had some free time, so we found this simulation that a couple of college kids were running and sat down in some out of the way place. We were just hanging out. Then I remembered about the game, so I told her and left. Simple as that. I don't get what her problem would be. Simple mistake, right? Right. Except now, she won't talk to me. She's making a mountain out a molehill. Did she say anything to you, before you left? Asked you to stay or anything? Just "goodbye". Then she gave me this look. Pissed? I couldn't tell. She could have been angry or sad or constipated. It was just this look, you know? So, you're freaking out over a look that could've meant nothing. Yes, I'm freaking out over a look. It was a really weird look. Kaji, what do you think? You're the expert here. *Kaji_Underwear steps coolly from the shadows. I think you ruined the mood without even knowing it. Sometimes, wonderful things just are, including romance. They can't be planned or predicted, but when they come, you have to recognize them and act accordingly. Oh. *Kaji_Underwear makes a thoughtful pose. In love, you must annihilate the self and instinctually follow the dictates of what truly defines your love. Examine the very core of what places you in a relationship! Know it! Understand it! Be it! That is the path to appreciate love! ... ... *Toji_Underwear looks down his briefs. *Kensuke_Underwear looks down his briefs. *Kaji_Underwear nods sagely. "Already, grasshoppers, you have found the path." * * * The fire had shrunken. Under a constant coaxing of fresh wood, it went from an unnatural inferno to a normal cozy blaze. Its presence almost made the cabin bearable. Asuka bit off the last of the duct tape tourniquet. The paper towels were beginning to look worn out, but she didn't want to take the trouble to change them just yet. By the count of this universe, it had been a few hours since the last attack and she was almost tempted to relax. She wasn't that foolish, though. Her hand was stilled pinned to the floor, where she had left it. A metal pail concealed it, with a several books piled on for good measure. Once in a while, there was a hollow thump as it tried to pry the knife out of the floor. The thing was just too damn creepy. The tape jerked to a stop as it finished rewinding. Asuka put the shotgun down on the desk and switched it on. She quickly took up the gun again. "Herein begins the account of Dr. Gendo Ikari. I have come to this obscure cabin in the woods to continue my research into the famed Dead Sea Scrolls. I believe I am nearing a great break-through. Soon, I may be able to begin translating the legendary texts." Asuka sighed and flopped to the floor, propping herself up against the side of the desk. Her eyes scanned the room, drinking in the windows and doors. The gun barrel followed. "Day two! Success! I have broken the dialect! What I have translated so far checks out perfectly against quotations of the Scrolls found in Latin and Egyptian texts. This is a promising sign. There is no reason why I should not be able to translate the entire text." Metal crashed on the floor. Asuka's sight zipped over to the pail. The bucket lay on its side, with the books sprawled out on the floor. She cursed as she rose to her feet, waiting for the hand to show itself. Silence, then the scurrying of fingers and the twinkling of a shattered windowpane. "Day three. This is most perplexing. The text does not confirm to the professed beliefs of the order that wrote them. I wonder if these are legitimate texts. These passages are quite blasphemous in light of the Judeo-Christian tradition. They speak of bizarre burial rituals and demon resurrection passages. I can not understand it. "Here's an example. A passage that is meant for the incarnation of evil spirits..." A series of choked syllables followed. Asuka ignored them. Mist floated on the ground. Asuka stepped onto the front porch, the shotgun held up over her severed wrist. Her senses screamed, trying to find a target. The twisted little bugger had disappeared. Wondering when she became so stupid, she proceeded out into the mist. The metal turned sweaty in her palms. "Hello." The voice came from her side. She turned to find herself waltzing out of the mist, stark raving naked. The double smiled sardonically and looked down at Asuka's gun. One of her hands displayed some familiar bloodstains. Asuka raised her gun. "Who are you?" The double drew closer. "Who are you?" "Don't even think about it!" Asuka shoved the gun in her face. "I don't feel like playing around!" "Don't even think about it. I don't feel like playing around." The double stopped an inch from the barrel. "Stupid, stupid, stupid..." "Stupid. Stupid. Stupid." "Does this even have a point?" Asuka unconsciously let her sight slip a few centimeters to the left. "This is just annoy-" Asuka Two grabbed the gun barrel and forced it away from the her face. The shot rang out futilely, doing nothing but snapping a fair hairs from the second Asuka's head. An open-handed blow caught Original Asuka in the throat. She let go of the gun and her double tossed it off into the night. The fully-clothed version staggered back, gagging from the blow. A round-house kick smacked her temples, then a returning foot met her in mid-fall. Her vision spun as she tried to move clear, tried to ready herself for battle. A third kick hit dead in her chest. "What...what are...you?" Spittle scattered from Asuka's mouth. "I'm perfectly real and perfectly deadly." The double grabbed a handful of Asuka's hair. She violently brought Asuka face to face with her. "You see, you're Good Asuka. And me? I'm bad Asuka." Her eyes tightened. "You're a little goody two-shoes!" She clocked Asuka across the jaw. "Little goody two-shoes!" A hook to the stomach. "Little goody two-shoes!" A left that sent Asuka reeling. "Little goody two-shoes!" Rabbit punch to the kidney. "Little goody two-sho...eh?" The round house kick ended against the stump of Asuka's arm. An elbow broke the doppelganger's nose. As she tumbled back from the blow, Asuka's knee greeted the small of her back. Bad Asuka slid off and landed on Asuka's foot. Desperately, the false second child scrambled to her feet, only to rise up into the waiting crook of Asuka's arm. Asuka heaved her off of her feet and carried her forward. Bad Asuka's head slammed into a door post. Several times. Asuka let the unconscious other crumbled to the ground. "Yeah. It is hard to be as good as me." * * * #Chess_Hall So, Ikari's stuck in family counseling? It seems the unpleasantness between him and his son hasn't ended. I hope I'm worthy pitch hitter. *Keel moves rook from E4 to C4. You suffice. Keele, I've been wondering. Yes? *Fuyutski moves queen from C1 to A1. Here we are, with complete access to all human minds that ever existed. We can look up the facts on any event or era we choose. We can access the memory of anything. True. So what event would you care to research? Christ. We can confirm the existence of Jesus Christ. *Keele moves knight from B5 to C3. "Check." *Fuyutski moves pawn from B2 to C3, takes knight. "Pay closer attention." We could even confirm his resurrection and ascension. We could solve the silly problem of religion once and for all. There's a flaw. If Jesus truly ascended into Heaven, then he would be outside the process of Complemention. And his lack of a presence confirms nothing, as it could also mean he was just the greatest hoax of all time. And his supposed apostles? They are...tough nuts. Oh? *Keele moves bishop from E5 to C3, takes pawn. I spoke with one, when we all first came here. It was a point of curiousity. We all suffered from it, in the beginning. I do remember that. I had a pleasant chat with Sun Tzu. A wonderful host, isn't he? I would have never thought it of him. Please, go on. Anyway, I went straight away to St. Peter. I harranged him for hours on end for some factual confirmation. The old boy was wonderfully nice. But he refused to say anything. And the others? The same! Every single early christian kept their mouths very much shut. Any bystanders? What about the roman authority? It's no use. They also refuse to say anything. It seems that the first pontiff has some skill at concealing information. What about the other method? Did you merge with any of them? I considered it, but... I asked myself, what if I discovered the more optimistic option was true? How does one explain during the Perusia that you mentally violated the church at Jerusalem? *Fuyutski moves queen from A1 to C1. A dangerous chance, yes. * * * The duct tape was too tight. The point was that she couldn't move; however, there is a certain level were it stops being practical and becomes sadism. It didn't help that the chair was roughly hewn and splinters were riding up her butt. Asuka's double came around under such conditions. She might have complained, but the splitting headache kept her worries away from such things. Instead, she just groaned and tried to shake off the fuzzy sense of reality. The real Asuka stood by the fireplace. She examined her wrist, freshly dressed. "If there's one thing I've taken away from my time as an EVA pilot, it's a desensitization to phantom limb syndrome." "You let me live..." Fear played in the voice of Bad Asuka. "You're not really a human. You must be some kind of spirit." Asuka walked over to the chair. "I have this hunch, that you know what's going on." The restrained girl shook at her bonds. She had no luck. "Don't get the idea that you're in control." "Tell me what happened here." "You will die in ignorance!" Bad Asuka spat out. "You're less than cattle to me! We will feast upon your sou-" Asuka pinched her nose shut. Just for a second. "Gwack!" Bad Asuka coughed. "What was that? Do you really think that-" Asuka did it again. "This is just silly. Hones-" Pinch. "You're just making a fool of yourse-" There's a pattern here, you see. "Oh, just stop it!" Bad Asuka narrowed her eyes. "That has to be the worst attempt at torture I've ever seen. I might just talk out of pity for you." Asuka sighed dramatically. "Aw, shucks. I guess I'll have to get the ballpoint hammer." She left the room. Bad Asuka twitched. She leaned over, trying to follow Asuka's movements. "Excuse me, miss...it wasn't that bad! I was in real pain! Honestly! It was just bravado!" Asuka returned, holding the implement in question. "I should confess...that pinching stuff? I was just blowing off steam." She then knelt down and systematically broke all five toes on the left foot. There's no octave to describe the scream that commenced. Between a naturally high voice and extreme pain and an animal panic, you just had to be there. When she had gotten the last grunts and gurgles out of her system, Bad Asuka barely whispered. "Fine...I'll tell you anything..." Asuka held the hammer to her ear. "What's that, Hammer-san? You think she'd say anything to save her hide? You're such a cynic, Hammer- san." Then she destroyed the big toe, left foot. Even when her second round of cries ended, Bad Asuka writhed to get out of the chair. "Please! Please! I'll tell you everything! I know what you'll do if I lie! I know! Please, let me speak!" "Fine," Asuka rested the hammer's head on the shoulder of her twin. "Tell me what happened here." "There was this professor, Gendo Ikari." Bad Asuka spoke rapidly, tripping over tongue. "You heard him, on the tape. He was translating ancient spells, incantations, only he didn't realize it. He's the one who invoked us to come here." Asuka mulled over the word "us", with less than satisfying mental images. "So what happened to Gendo?" "He set himself on fire. He figured out what was coming and set himself on fire and ran into the woods, down the road. His ashes are at the bottom of the valley, nearby." "What about Rei?" Asuka pressed. "What was she doing here?" "Later, a couple of kids came by. One was Rei, the other was named Shinji. The guy, I think he was the professor's son. They were just looking for some place to make out. We pulled the same bit on them and they didn't fight back. Shinji, he practically cracked like an egg. Started ranting about his father's work and all that. He forced Rei to drink gasoline, then he buried the Dead Sea Scrolls, the originals and the translations and the notes and everything, down in the basement. Then the little psycho sliced his own wrists." "And that's everything?" "I just told you everything!" "Can I get out?" "Me, I want you gone. But the others, they don't give up. They wouldn't let you leave." Bad Asuka thought frantically. "But, but, but...there is a way. In the scrolls, there's a passage. A banishing spell. It's different from all the others, worded different and all. Gendo translated it, but he didn't figure out what it was. It's not that obvious unless you look for it. You say that, we all get out of here. No fuss, no muss, no stragglers. Then it's all over." The hammer tapped lightly, experimentally on another toe. "It's awfully convenient for you to tell me this." "Stop it!" Bad Asuka's voice cracked. "I don't want any more of this! I took this body and the whole thing went bad! I've lost, I'm at your mercy, I want to just hang it up and go home! Incorporeal, floating through the woods...that's one thing. Stuck here, with you...that's another." "Not used to pain, are you?" "...something like that." "I'm glad we could reach this understanding. Thank you." * * * Sorrowful was the mood of Dr. Martin. To use the vernacular of his profession, he was "letting it all out". The Ikaris watched on as the counselor suffered an emotional breakdown. The process that led to this was uninteresting, but noteworthy. It happened to come out that Martin entered the practice because of his own family troubles in his youth. Shinji, in a misapplication of etiquette, asked about it. The subject of the good doctor's father came up. Gendo made some observations. In Complemention, when memories come back, they come back in IMAX with surround sound. "He...he..." Martin choked back a sob. "He never came to my fourth birthday! He told me later that he did, but I know he never did! I don't even know the reason!" "It was probably work related." Shinji conjectured dryly. Gendo nodded. "That's how it was with me." The counselor resumed his blubbering. With a sudden rage, he pointed accusingly at Gendo. "Do it, Shinji! Kill him! Kill the bastard!" "Wait," Shinji held up his hand. "He's going to say that I'm spineless." "But you are spineless." Gendo looked over at Shinji. "Especially without your id. You possess only a peripheral sense of self-defense." Shinji shrugged. "At least we've gotten to know each other." A heavy sigh came from Yui. She rubbed her temples for the umpteenth time. After much arguing, interrupting, consoling, haggling, suggesting, and threatening, the Ikari matron had retired to a corner of the room. Staring out the window, she was desperately trying to block out the whole afternoon and stay convinced that they could try it again some other time. "Do you know why you disappointed your father so much? This is only theory, but it may be applicable." Martin looked up at Gendo through tear stains. "Because he loved you." The light bounced off Gendo's glasses in just the right way. Martin redoubled his fit. Shinji leaned back. "You're trying to tell me something." "Perish the thought." "Too bad it's too late." "For me to go to Hell?" "Yeah." Shinji hung his head. "Yeah, that's exactly it." * * * "What gets me about all this is that you're in total control. I mean, everything is under your direct command. You've set up a bunch of free- workings applications, yeah, but it still all leads back to you. And I know for a fact that it's impossible to create fully interactive intelligent characters, which also means that my copycat is nothing but an extension of your conscious will. That means that torturing her for information would have been a completely futile effort if you didn't want me to get that knowledge. And that means, in the end, I'm going right where you want me to. I hate that feeling." "Who are you talking to?" Asuka blew the brains out of her doppelganger. That done, Asuka reloaded the shotgun. A spade was tied tightly to her stump. A nice selection of kitchen knives stuck out from the belt-loops of her jeans. She took a deep breath. The cellar door was just a square of wood in the floor of the common room, off to the side. Asuka shoved the spade into the edge and heaved it up, keeping her shotgun trained on it. The door flipped open without event. Cool and musty air circulated through out the cellar. It was nothing but a hole in the ground, the walls and floor consisting of packed dirt. The foundations of the cabin peppered it, simple beams of wood at regular intervals. "Shinji" lay near the center. The danger couldn't be more obvious. His body was rotten far beyond Rei's, which was fairly improbable. Green, putrified flesh rested on top of yellowing bones, all of it leading up to the sunken remains of a face topped off with a soggy mess of black hair. Beyond him, a little mound of a dirt poked out of the floor. Good. He buried the scrolls shallowly. Otherwise, matters would be complicated. Asuka walked along the walls, keeping her gun trained on the corpse. Nothing happened. Reaching the other side, she approached the dirt mound and knelt down. In quick, furtive strokes, she cleared away the dirt. In short time, she hit in a metal box. Now came the hard part. She put down the shotgun. Her one hand scooped up box. Her other arm accepted it, wrapping it in the crook of the elbow. Reflexively, she grabbed the gun. Shinji was already there. His hand gripped the barrel. Without thinking, she squeezed a shot off into his chest. The fragile ribs shattered and his dilapidated organs went out of the other side. This gave him pause as Asuka sprung to her feet. She twisted the gun barrel around his arm and jammed it into one of his empty eye sockets. She fired again, with predictable results. Content that would hold off the still twitching zombie for now, she sprinted over Shinji's leftovers and dashed back to the stairs. In a few quick steps, she bounded up the steps and re-entered the cabin proper. She slid a foot under the cellar door and slammed it shut. "That was easy." Trying to put her breathing back under control, she dropped the box of the floor and kicked it open. It proudly displayed a pile of papers, obviously tossed in with no organization. And on top of those, like some kind of a ironic paper weight, sat a weathered scroll rolled around a green bronze handle. The Dead Sea Scrolls and Gendo's notes thereon. So far, so good. A thin rope of flesh tore a line across the floorboards. Then another. And another. And others. Asuka watched in surprise as tentacles cut up the floor, vivisecting everything in their way. In one smooth motion, she flipped the scroll up with the spade and caught it in her elbow. She charged past the multiplying pseudo- pods and jumped through a window. She rolled out along the ground in a tinkling of glass. The cabin crumbled around behind her as she ran clear of the wreckage. Shinji rose up from the destruction. That is, to say, Shinji and a bag of chips. His corpse, whole and unmarred, rode forth on a pulsating tower of sinew. Nameless faces jutted out from all angles, muttering and screaming and singing and promising all the wrong things. Tentacles streamed forth in squiggling network that issued forth from Shinji's rotten waist. Two gigantic clawed feet more befitting a dragon burst from where the cellar once was and found purchase on the ground. The rest of it still lay beneath the ground. Asuka swung up the shotgun and freed it from the burden of ammo. Buckshot passed through Shinji like he was a fine mist. And just like mist, he remained as if untouched. Cursing in German, English, and Japanese all at once, she dropped the gun and ran back ever farther as one of the feet clawed down at her. With a flick of the wrist, she unfurled the scroll, ready for a miracle. The Dead Sea Scrolls were written in century-faded Hebrew. Asuka didn't have time to be dumbfounded, but she still wasted half a second letting this sink in. Then, throwing the scroll aside, he dodged a barrage of tentacles. Her mind worked furiously, working through scenarios with gas lines and high-tension wires and deep gorges and wondering where she could find any of those in this godforsaken tree park. Then, like a bolt from God, she saw it: in the writhing mass, bobbing like a raft at sea, a metal box holding a disorganized stack of papers. Bracing herself, Asuka entered the fray. She dodged and jumped and rolled and slid and performed any other action imaginable to bypass the tentacles. Her body pumped and bounced with grace and power as she threaded a path towards the box. Blood pounded in her ears. Pain burned from the stump of her wrist. There was one vital leap and then her hand smacked against the metal. It returned from the box clutching the pile of papers triumphantly. A tentacle lassoed her waist. Her body jerked as it pulled her into the air. Papers spiraled to the ground as the fell from her hand, her fingers clutching even tighter at the remaining few. Tentacles swarmed over her. They entangled her legs, crawling with insect delicacy over her thighs and calves, violently pulling them into a spread eagle position. She let one claim her ruined arm, but she fought with all her strength to keep her good one free as she searched the papers. A mass of them slipped under her shirt and crushed her lungs and stomach. One choked her, forcing her head back. They lifted her up, higher and higher. Shinji stared down at her haughtily, like some five-cent funny book tyrant. Papers rained from her hand as Asuka thumbed through them, letting the useless one's go. What she found on page twelve had to be it, with the red underline and the note "does not fit" in the margin. Committing the words to memory, she let the papers all go as she lost the strength to keep her arm free. Shinji grinned maliciously. "Klaatu!" Shinji's face contorted with anger. A tentacle wiggled its way into Asuka's mouth. She bit a chunk out of it and kept going. "Verata!" A monstrous tongue lolled from Shinji's mouth. It hung down by two feet, with sucker mouths covering the surface. Claws erupted from his hands. The tentacles tightened like an iron vise. Asuka glowed with triumph. "Niktu!" The beast stiffened like it had been stabbed. The tentacles fell away from Asuka and gravity took hold. The sky cracked open with a swirling, pulsating vortex. An upside-down whirlwind whipped up, sucking debris and refuse into the portal. Asuka slowed in her descent, then started back upwards. She would've flown into the sky herself, if someone hadn't grabbed her hand. Shinji's Id stood on the ground like nothing was happening. He held Asuka's hand, anchoring her to the Earth. "Had fun?" "Let go of me, you sick freak!" "I don't think so. You might want to watch this." The Shinji-Beast howled in rage. It's bulk rose impossibly from the ground. It twisted and writhed and clawed as the vortex took it. In a second's time, it was no longer there. The vortex, however, remained. "Well, there you go. You've won." The Id smiled puckishly. "Want me to come clean? This whole thing was just to get you riled up. Very few people are that beautiful when they're angry." Asuka screamed something choice. Shinji's Id sighed contently. "It's like you're playing Bach on golden violin strings. Here, let me turn this place off. We can talk more civilly then." ********** *Temporal Subdimension "Cabin in the woods" ending. * *Error. * *New host assimilating universe. * *User Asuka has taken command of "Cabin in the woods". ("Wa-tak!") ********** "Wha...what have you done?!" Shinji's Id shook with panic. The whirlwind picked him up. The only thing holding him down was Asuka's steady grip. "Are you surprised? Dumpkoff." Asuka glowered. "You're not the only one who can play God." "Wait! Wait! You can't do this!" Shinji's Id pleaded. "It's over! You've won! See?" "Yes, it's over now. But since you're so found of games..." "The prize! I need to give you the prize!" Hope shown in the Id's eyes. "I'd said I'd give you one of Shinji's secrets, yes?" Asuka smirked. "I thought I told you. I don't care about that." "The core Shinji, the main one! He doesn't love you!" The Id blurted out. "He never has! He never will! It's always been Kaworu! He's never loved anyone but Kaworu!" Asuka shook her head curtly. "No new information is coming out of your mouth." "I'm the part." The Id's voice softened. "I'm the part of the Shinji that loves you." An incredulous minute passed. Asuka stared silently at Shinji's Id. The wind hissed by steadily. Her newly returned hand reached up and took hold of his arm. "Maybe you don't want to hear this, Asuka, but I love you." Being God has its advantages. In one smooth motion, Asuka tore his hand from his wrist like paper. Shinji's Id soared up into the vortex and disappeared. * * * #Asuka_feels_unclean And after all that, he said he loved me! He's one disturbed guy. Whoa. I never thought Shinji would have such a twisted sense of the dramatic. It makes sense I suppose. He has trouble relating his feelings by normal means. I wouldn't call that "dramatic". He was really out to get me! Maybe it was both for him. A being completely defined by the Id is as solid an example of "unbalanced" as you can get. It could've been like foreplay to him. *Asuka turns green. "Let's not go in that direction." I get it! He's like a little boy! When a boy have a crush on a girl while they're in grade school, then he shows it by picking on her. Pulling on her hair, chasing her with frogs...stuff like that. Only, in your case, he...er...sends zombie armies to kill you. *Asuka does not want to hear this. We aren't trying to take his side! If he bothers you again, we'll handle him. Porn flooding be damned! ...yeah...Misato will take care of him. Porn flooding be damned. *Misato facefaults. Oh no! I can take care of myself. Asuka Langley Soryuu can protect her own honor! *** Shinji has joined #Asuka_feels_unclean. [Shinji] "The meek shall inherit the Earth. I call Paris!" Sorry I've been gone for a while. Mom had us all go to counseling. *Asuka boils with rage. "You." Asuka, wrong source of frustration! Eep. * * * Rocks tumbled out of the cave mouth. They had been there a long time, covered in moss and water stains and sedentary. If one was observant enough, one could make note of the fact that the last time they had been moved, it had been accomplished by explosives. But their purpose was done now, so they were brushed aside like so much rubbish. A young man stumbled out. He swept the landscape with a ravening gaze, excited to see what could be seen. He looked only fourteen or fifteen. Thick, unruly black hair cascaded down his head, stretching past his shoulders and coming to an end at the small of his back. The remains of fine clothes, eaten by the centuries, hung from his short, emaciated form. One of his hands was nothing but a rusting mass of a metal, fine bits and pieces showering from the old casement with the shock of movement. He couldn't believe it. It was so unfair. After all that, this was what he was left with? Was the universe simply laughing with him? Had he gone insane so long ago that he didn't notice? Was this truly his fate? He couldn't believe it. Before lay the futurescape of London Town. There was the classic structure of Big Ben, gutted like a sack of meat. There, a fantastic metal pyramid, some new kind of office, crumbled in the faint sunlight. And over there, underground tunnels stuck out of the surface like broken bones, showing off what used to be the latest model of trains. Craters peppered the ground, rifts tore through the streets, and gray ash of long-dead fires smugly sat with no disturbance. Shinji's Id couldn't believe it. "I've...slept too long." The corners of his mouth twitched upward. [/universe: "Cabin in the woods"] ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Author's notes: Well, there you go, then. I've committed a mortal sin against man and God. When my assignment for this chapter first came, I had planned on making it very different. It was going to be dramatic, poignant, sweeping, and ultimately touching. It would make anybody who read it marvel and re- examine their lives. It wouldn't be award winning, but it would do all the right things and all in all, be good writing. It took me two whole days to realize that I'm not William Faulkner and maybe I should just try to entertain people. So, Sunday night, I went to bed pounding my head against the wall, having already deep-sixed two previous pieces. Monday morning, I woke up knowing that I had to write this. If you've never seen any of the Evil Dead movies, I heavily recommend you do. My adaptation barely does this justice and there are certain things (such as Bruce Campbell's "ability" to act) that can't be communicated by prose. They are really fun way to blow a Saturday night with your friends. As always, I want to thank the workshoppers. Their feedback in instrumental in me not making an ass of myself. Moreover, I would enjoy any opinions, good or bad, anybody has concerning this work. Until next time... -Nick Callahan (cruton@juno.com) 6/18/03