It's been a quiet day in Lake Wobegon. Been quiet up in the mountains of Tibet too. Other than the occasional gentle susurration of wind on snow, the growing rumble of avalanches, and the occasional scream of a hiker who got a little too up close and personal with the Abominable Snowman, there was an unbroken silence. Unbroken that is, except for the gentle clack of chair on chair combat. Nestled in a mountain valley, far enough away from civilization to only attract the truly dedicated, but close enough to be able to order take-out, the Ancient and Honorably Tibetan Evangelistic Furniture Warriors Dojo sat. Within these hallowed halls, monks trained endlessly to perfect the art of furniture combat. There were those who whispered of a deeper and darker purpose to the art, training to defend the world against the Ottoman empire once every millennium or so. Of course, those people who whispered were also the kind that always picked up a copy of Weekly World News, and believed that Elvis and the Illuminatti were planning to take over the world. And so their theories were dismissed. Which is a shame because in this case, the theories were true. And lo, the millennium was upcoming and the contestants of a grand tournament of Furniture Warriors was being gathered. And legend has it that the champion shall come from this Tibetan dojo. Therein lies the beginning of our tale. ________________@/ Shinji's Alternate Universes Episode 11: Furniture Warriors Eva series concept by Farsan de Arnibia this shard by Sean Duggan ________________@/ -- Complementation: #Kensuke ... the ability to warp reality with a single thought and you want to play video games? Not just any video game! Furniture Warriors... doesn't the name just inspire awe? * Shinji looks puzzled. I think I remember hearing about that one. Wasn't that a parody game? Naw, the people who made it were dead serious. One of the original designers of Street Fighter 2 and a CADCAM architect from Germany met one day and decided to make a fighting game where the weapons are pieces of furniture. You know, chairs and desks and stuff. *blink* You're kidding me. * Kensuke produces a baby goat and sets it in Shinji's arms. No. /Now/ I'm kidding you. * Shinji rolls his eyes and starts fumbling for the handle for the exit door. No... don't leave. * Kensuke leaps in front of the door, waving his arms frantically. * Shinji sighs and moves back away from the exit. Ok. Go ahead. * Kensuke takes a deep breath. I know the premise sounds weird, but it's a really cool game and it's fun. I heard there was even an anime done of it. Are you done? * Kensuke nods. So... why just play the game? We're in complementation. We can live the game. * Kensuke facefaults. Right. Brace yourself. ________________@/ * Temporal subdimension "Furniture Warriors Evangelion" created * * Empty save state protocol used: Loading universe data ... ... done * * Waiting for other souls: * * Shinji joins * Kensuke joins * * Assigning roles ... done * * START! ________________@/ As aforementioned, the silence was repeatedly broken by the sound of chair's impacting upon one another, the sound issuing from the Ancient and Honorable Tibetan Evangelistic Furniture Warriors Dojo conveniently located in Tibet. The outside of the monastery was unremarkable, mere mortar and brick standing against the elements. But inside, inside... well, it was about as unremarkable. But the people inside, they were somewhat more extraordinary. Such honorable man-to-man combat with furniture was seldom seen. The motions were but a blur of clever joinery as the two combatants dueled. Many were the strikes exchanged, but each hit was blocked or dodged, each blocked hit highlighted by a convenient burst of sparks to signify that no damage had been done. The dodged hits had to make do with a cool *WOOSH* sound as they went by. After a series of abortive attempts from the two figures to pierce each others' defenses, they withdrew to catch their breath and to assess their opponents. On one side stood Shinji, his hair spiking out to an outrageous length, defying the very laws of gravity. Contrary to his usual demeanor, he was radiating a cool competence, perhaps engendered by the finely crafted wooden folding chair held at an appropriate 13-degree battle ready position. Opposite him stood his opponent, Kensuke, hair bleached blonde and posture slumped. His goofy look put Keanu Reaves to shame as he lazily waved his metal folding beach chair in front of him in what looked like an approximation of a ready stance. His eyes glinted with the dull look of someone not entirely in touch with reality. "Much as a two-legged stool cannot stand before a simple push, your skills shall prove inadequate before me," Shinji intoned. Kensuke blinked owlishly at him and squinted slightly. "Whoa," Kensuke breathed as he stood there, trying to figure out when the world would stop spinning so that he could get off, "Is it just me, or do these characters have some really weird physical side effects to them?" His thought process was derailed by the speeding freight train that Shinji seemed to be approximating in his charge. Kensuke stumbled forward and let gravity lead him into his own shambling charge. In prototypical samurai scene style, they met at the center of the floor and exchanged blows. "RISING CHAIR FIRE!" "RISING CHAIR FIRE OR SOMETHING!" There was a mighty crash of sparks as the attacks met and canceled out. As Shinji was finishing his fight animation, Kensuke followed up. "FALLING CHAIR FIRE OR SOMETHING!" There was utter silence as the dust cleared, revealing Kensuke standing there with his beach chair impaled upon Shinji's spiky hair. There was a moment of silence for the fallen chair. Then another. Then, they both started laughing. "That was so cool!" Kensuke enthused as he tried to wrench his chair off of Shinji's hairdo. Shinji, for his part, was trying to keep his neck from bending at unsafe angles as this was going on and thus has little chance to say much of anything. After much wrenching, the chair was pulled free. "It was interesting to be sure," Shinji mumbled as he rubbed his head, carefully avoiding the points of his hair in the process, "Did I really spout something about two-legged stools in there?" Kensuke guffawed and slapped Shinji on the back, nearly knocking him over. "Sure did. Sounded like Ikea reborn." "Ikea... I'm guessing that's who I am here?" Shinji looked himself over, taking in the austere gi and wooden sandals. As he inclined his head, he found that the weight of the hair had reasserted itself as he tried to once more look up, only managing it with severe effort. Kensuke, on the other hand, seemed to have stepped off of the beach. Blonde unruly hair, ruffled Hawaiian shirt, swimming trunks. And a five-o-clock shadow that looked rather odd on Kensuke's boyish chin. Any further observation was interrupted by a loud squeal off to one side. With a growing feeling of doom, Shinji turned and saw a joyous blue-haired toddler sailing through the air at him. "CATCH ME, IKEA-CHAN!" she cried, her body describing a ballistic arc that was bound to intercept him. Kensuke mumbled something about a "loony-chan" which Shinji couldn't help but agree with as he braced himself to catch the flying adolescent. Shuffling from one side to the other to match trajectories, he lacked a certain amount of balance when she impacted his chest, leaving him sprawled out in the dust, her straddling his chest. Shinji looked up into a very familiar set of red eyes albeit set in a parody of a child's face. Blue hair framed he head, as well as a pair of incandescent light bulbs set in her warrior's headband. "wai. lumi-chan is so happy to see you," the SD Rei intoned, the barest hint of a smile turning her lips. Shinji could do little but blink. -- Complementation: #Kensuke *** Rei joins. Rei? oh, you noticed? i was lonely. i decided to visit. * Kensuke is on the floor, laughing his ass off. And you decided to be Lumi-chan of all people? the name sounded cute. Did you even look at the character bio? * Rei pulls up said bio. Blinks. i am a hyper toddler. i see no problem here. * Shinji facefaults * Kensuke facefaults Right... there was an opening sequence where everyone was invited to the tournament, but I'm going to cut to the tournament itself. --- Back to our regularly scheduled reality --- Gendo sat hunched over on the convenient ottoman before him, hands steepled in front of his face. "YES, THE WARRIORS ARRIVE. SOON, THEY SHALL KNOW THE TRUE HORRORS OF FURNITURE." The voice approximated sepulchers closing, tombstones clashing, the ending sounds of death. The echoes of his words slowly faded. "IT WOULD SEEM THAT THE ROLE OF THE OTTOMAN EMPEROR INVOLVES SOME MODIFICATION IN SPEECH." And again, he waited for the echoes to die. He sighed. "I'M LONELY." With those words, Yui, in medieval dress, her hair an electric blue, crackling with glowing nimbus of electricity. stepped up behind him. "Honey, I don't even come in until the end. And that's only if they unlock me as a secret character." And lo, Gendo as the Ottoman Emperor, did sigh mightily. "I'M NOT SURE I DIDN'T PREFER THE COUNSELING SESSIONS." ________________@/ "Are they serious?" Shinji whispered to Kensuke, desperately tensing his neck muscles to be sure that his hair didn't pull his head too far beyond a 90-degree angle to his neck. On the stage before them, two warriors stood, ready for mortal combat. One corner held a hulking warrior whose mighty thews flexed as he hefted a weight set one-handedly above his head. In the opposite corner was a penguin. Shinji was pretty sure that was Pen-Pen up there. The penguin that is. The announcer cleared his throat. "Ladies and gentleman of the tournament. I draw your attention to the far corner where Hans Schwartz, weighing in at 300 lbs of toned muscle, practitioner of the bodybuilding equipment style, stands ready. He can bench-press the contents of your average exercise facility without breaking a sweat and is rumored to be on a steady diet of barbells and Creatine. And in the opposite corner, Shrimp, master of Ottoman Empire Crack Claw Seafood Restaurant Style Furniture Warrior Martial Arts. He can lift three pounds and eats fish and beer. Begin!" The match was over before anyone in the audience could blink. Shrimp dashed forward with a loud "WARK" and headbutted Hans in a sensitive area, beak-first. Hans crumbled, not half the man he used to be. The audience gave a collective wince as the males in the audience surreptitiously crossed their legs. "Was he carrying a weapon?" Shinji whispered to Kensuke. "What, you didn't see the nutcracker?" Kensuke whispered back. Shinji winced. -- Complementation: #Kensuke That was uncalled for. What? /I/ thought it was funny. * Shinji slaps Kensuke with a trout. * Rei blinks. --- Back to our regularly scheduled reality --- "Will the furniture warriors Yarslov and Shelly please report to the stage?" the announcer's voice boomed out like the voice of God, or at least of a decently amplified speaker. "Well, here goes," Kensuke said as he carrying his beach chair onto the stage. He turned to face his opponent. Were it not for the mellow personality of the body he was wearing, he might have made his attempt at running and screaming. Opposite him, wearing a school uniform labeled "Miss Pifflemoore's Academy for Privileged Girls" and brandishing a beautiful oaken principal's desk was Asuka. "Hello, Kensuke." Asuka said, sugary sweet, "Wanna play?" Kensuke, still in a state of shock, barely managed to parry the first desk thrown at him. He was somewhat less successful regarding the next dozen of them. Shinji sat back upon his oak and yak-hair chair and tried to find the calming peace of contemplating perfect joinery. -- Complementation: #Kensuke *** Asuka joins. Hah, take that, Kensuke! * Kensuke crawls towards Shinji, battered and bruised. Shinji, buddy, aren't you going to help me out? I can't. It would be dishonorable to interrupt a duel. Ikea wouldn't do that. * Rei glomps onto Shinji wai. ikea-kun, you're so honorable. * Shinji stares at the limpet now attached to his side. SHINJI... * Asuka approaches with desk raised high. * Shinji glances up frightenedly at the descending desk. --- Back to our regularly scheduled reality --- As the crazed desk-wielding girl leapt out at him, Shinji calmly noted that she had over-committed to the blow. In one fluid motion, he rose to his feet, rolled to one side, collapsed the chair, and swung it in the approaching attacker's path. Asuka firmly blocked the blow. Unfortunately, she did so with her face. -- Complementation: #Kensuke *** Asuka is now known as Asuka-asleep * Shinji is speechless. You hit her! You don't know how long I've been waiting for someone to do that to her... I didn't hit her... Ikea did. And why did she conk out here? it would seem shinji has hidden talents. --- Back to our regularly scheduled reality --- Shinji helped Kensuke off of the mat, glancing anxiously at the fallen form of Asuka. "I don't know what came over me then, but I don't think she's going to be happy about it," Shinji said, "By the way, what was the ruling on your match?" Kensuke grimaced. "They decided that I had already been beaten to unconsciousness before she decided to go after you. She's advancing to the next match in the winner's bracket." After saying this, he pushed himself away from Shinji and cocked his head off to one side, "Do you hear something, Shinji?" At that moment, a form rushed out of the shadows, swinging a claymore at Kensuke's head. The beach chair came off of the ground, deflecting the sword above his head, followed by a series of swats that gradually juggled the shadowy figure into the air before a Falling Chair Fire spiked him out of a convenient window. Kensuke stood there for a while, seemingly baffled by his sudden prowess. "Who the hell was that? And what the hell did I just do?" Kensuke wheezed. "I think that was my Id. And... I don't know. I think we may have been the victims of a running gag," Shinji replied. ________________@/ Id-Shinji lay on the floor, a story or so below where he'd attacked, surrounded by a spray of broken glass and wood. He sat up and stared at the claymore beside him, particularly the huge nick in it from where it had made contact with the chair Kensuke had been wielding. "I think... I need a bigger sword," he said before lapsing back into unconsciousness. ________________@/ The matches passed in a blur of wood and steel. Shinji found himself facing one weird opponent after another. There was Evelyn Smith of the Purple Sunshine Commune with her bean-bag chair. And he thought it was curtains for him when he faced Rebecca, of the Upstairs Apartment Furniture Dojo. He suspected that either people had been sneaking into the complementation or Kensuke had been messing around with the templates because he could have sworn that Mick fellow with his style of fighting with pool-hall implements was a spitting image of Kaji, right down to the scruffy stubble and bullet-hole in the forehead. And he was pretty sure that Frigidaire Fifi hadn't thrown chilled bottles of beer in the original game. Besides which, she kind of resembled Misato in the eyes... albeit not in the blocky metal body. Regardless, he had made his way through. Each match, he would come up to the ring scared out of his wits, then find himself falling into a growingly familiar trance. And each match, he pulled something out to defeat the opponent. He shuddered slightly remembering the Riot of the Varnish. That berserk rage had allowed him to defeat Harry, the Handsome Office Executive and his Office Supply style, but it reminded him far too much of footage of when Eva-01 went berserk. But as he thought over the events of the tournament, he found himself smiling. -- Complementation: #Kensuke I think I'm starting to get the hang of this game. You /are/ fighting awfully well. And, well, you're fighting. You haven't done anything like that since, well, since the split. * Shinji blinks. Probably doesn't mean anything. It's /just/ a game, right? * Rei smiles mysteriously. --- Back to our regularly scheduled reality --- Asuka, on the other hand, had lost in the tournament fairly early against a girl wielding a rugbeater and manifesting some fairly impressive chi attacks. What was her name... Natsumi, maybe? Shinji shrugged. Whoever she was, she had disappeared shortly after the match, muttering something about being in the wrong story. Asuka didn't bother sticking around, leaving the character of Shelly covered by the original personality. Much to Kensuke's chagrin, that hadn't reduced the beatings at all. It seemed that Shelly had a grudge against Yarslov in this universe, and took a perverse thrill in burying poor Kensuke under desks, walloping him out of windows, and asking him out on dates. That last had proven a surprising development, albeit one that highly embarrassed Kensuke. Oh, and Shinji kept hearing reports of his Id showing up, brandishing some conventional weapon and being summarily vanquished by some furniture warrior. And yet... Shinji had heard anything about his Id for a while now. Maybe he'd given up. And he'd almost forgotten Rei, who had breezed through her matches with startling ease. Those lightbulbs she carried were extremely powerful and Rei had proceeded to apply them with mechanical precision in her matches. Talking with the competitors, Shinji had the impression that Lumi-chan was an unfocused fighter albeit very enthusiastic; her Beautiful Lightbulb Attack defeated opponents more by environmental damage than by direct strikes. But despite her strategy in the ring, Rei had insisted upon playing the role of Lumi-chan properly outside of the ring, constantly leaping seemingly out of nowhere to glomp him and/or making inane comments about how honorable and cool he was in her distinct monotone. Shinji reached up to run his hands through his hair, only just barely remembering to stop before severing fingers on its spikey growth, settling for adjusting his fighting head-band. It was actually kind of nice in a way, like having a little sister. "ikea-oniichan. it is time for our fight. wai." Shinji blinked and looked down at the growth he'd picked up on his leg. Speak of the devil... Rei stared up at him with soulful red eyes in an almost worshipful manner. "i'll show you how strong i've gotten, big brother," she said. Despite the restrained nature of his character, Shinji couldn't help reaching down and ruffling Rei's hair. "Yes, let's go, Rei," he said. -- Complementation: #Kensuke * Shinji sighs. I think I'm actually going to miss this game when it's over. It's nice being /good/ at something again. Why do you think it's going to be over soon? Well, Lumi and Ikea are the two remaining warriors left for elimination. After we fight, the game's bound to end. * Kensuke stifles maniacal laughter. Um... yeah, you're right. It should end then. am i playing my role adequately? Yes, Rei. You're doing very well. Awesome. Keep at it. * Rei's smile widens by a few micrometers. --- Back to our regularly scheduled reality --- Shinji stood, triumphant. His gi was strategically torn and burnt in the aftermath of the fight. Rei had battled well, but near the end, Shinji was able to bat one of her lightbulbs back at her, scoring a direct hit. The small bulk of Lumi-chan had proved a detriment as she was knocked outside of the bounds of the arena. Shinji fought the impulse to lean on his chair, rather unfolding it and sitting in it in as dignified manner as he could manage when he felt ready to slump down on it and sleep for a century. "LO, HAS THE FURNITURE WARRIOR DEFEATED ALL CHALLENGERS AND PROVED HIMSELF WORTHY?" Shinji fluidly rose to his feet, all aches and pains forgotten. There was a puff of dark smoke, which cleared, leaving in front of him, a shadowy Gendo Ikari, brandishing an ottoman. "YOU SHALL JOIN THE OTTOMAN EMPIRE OR BE CRUSHED BY THE OTTOMAN EMPIRE." Shinji found himself once more settling into fighting mode. His intended sigh turned into a very cool raising of an eyebrow. His back straightened and his chair tipped back into the proper 13-degree angle. "I will not join you, father," Shinji whispered. And with that, he prepared to launch himself into battle. He was pre-empted by a sofa materializing above Gendo, followed by a series of deck chairs labeled "Property of The Titanic", three safes, a Hobart warewasher, and a kitchen sink. "Finally... my revenge has been had," Shinji turned to face the speaker. His Id sauntered onto stage, clad in a black t-shirt and camo pants, twirling a lamppost above his head. Id-Shinji walked beside the pile of furniture covering Gendo and surveyed his work. "I figured out that only furniture worked as weapons in this world. And now ding-dong, the wicked witch is dead, eh Shinji?" Id-Shinji turned in time to catch a chair to the face courtesy of non-Id-Shinji. The following battle was a rout. Id-Shinji would produce a piece of furniture in hand, but before he could bring it to bear, non-Id-Shinji would bat it out of his hands and strike a counter-blow. It took only a good fifteen minutes of this before Id-Shinji was flat on his back, pinned under the weight of his own divan. "Why are you defending him?" rasped Id-Shinji, "He made our life a living Hell. He forced us to be his little tin soldier. He's the source of all of our problems. Why?" Non-Id-Shinji turned away from his opponent and stood in contemplation for a moment before responding. "Because it's the right thing to do. And sometimes you have to fight for the right things," non-Id-Shinji said. Off to the sidelines, he heard Rei, "wai. ikea-chan's so righteous." and he fought the urge to facefault. Hearing a noise behind him, he turned to find that Id-Shinji had worked his way out from under the divan and now stood in a ready stance, a chair identical to the one in non-Id-Shinji's hands cocked to an identical thirteen degrees. As they settled into battle stances, the crowd hushed. Soon, the only noise was the whirring of the veiling fans and a happily humming Rei-chan. And then, they moved. Chairs drawn back to strike, they ran towards each other in slow-motion. As a few audience members started passing out from holding their breath too long, the two warriors met in the center. The two struck and their auras clashed, obscuring the action with a bright flash of light. When the light faded, one stood alone on the field of battle. Well, at least until he fell over in a dead faint. -- Complementation: #Kensuke *** IdShinji joins *** IdShinji and Shinji are now known as Shinji * Kensuke blink-blinks. That was unexpected. * Shinji opens eyes and stands. I - I think we un-split. It worked... What do you mean by that? Well, Rei came by with this dumb idea... * Rei brandishes a halogen bulb, arm drawn back to throw. Did I say dumb? I mean brilliant... she figured that with all the senseless violence, your Id was bound to show up. When your dad joined, which we figured was bound to happen given his tendency to meddle, he was going to be put in the role of the Ottoman Emperor. And well, the fight was supposed to help you somehow. * Kensuke grabs a glass of water from a passing waiter and hydrates himself, motioning for Rei to continue the explanation. with your emotions running high from the fights, you were a closer match to your id side than you ever were before. and so, when you struck that last time, the two of you were similar enough that the gap was bridged and you once more became one person. * Shinji blinks. Oh. So, does this mean that Shinji is going to be assertive from now on? *** Asuka joins SHINJI NO BAKA! WHY THE HELL DID YOU HIT ME? * Shinji suddenly remembers he left the oven on. *** Shinji quits (Please don't hurt me.) Don't think you're going to escape that easily. *** Asuka quits (Be vewwy, vewwy quiet. I'm hunting Shinji) it would seem not. * Kensuke sighs and throws his hands in the air. Business as usual then, I guess. ________________@/ 8/3/2003 5:58 Author's notes: *sigh* Serves me right. I signed up for the queue with a glimmering of an idea but no real idea as to where to take it. And I thought that there were people in the queue before me, so I managed to get my part due at the end of Opening week for the play I'm in. I wrote what was essentially the first half of the story, ending it in the Yarslov-Shelly fight, capping everything off with a chat scene where Kensuke explains his intentions and apologizes to Shinji for it not working, this followed by IdShinji showing up and asking when things were to start. I think the ending of the old one worked better comedically, but c'est la vie. Originally, I wanted to build a part to try to resolve the Id bit by getting Shinji to find his rage within in a final battle with the Emperor, thereby becoming enough like his Id version to allow them to merge. This changed to him gaining the confidence over a series of battles. *shrug* I think it worked alright. Apologies to the people in the queue who expected there to be an Id-Shinji to play with. Except... there's no one in the queue, so I guess I'm safe. ^_^ For those who were utterly confused by the change of venue, Furniture Warriors was a story started originally for Spoof Chase Productions by Twoflower. Stalling after three chapters, Twoflower posted it as an Improfanfic and in the end, there were 30 chapters of wholesome furniture violence and there is now a sequel series. The original Furniture Warriors can be found in the Impro Hall of Fame, and probably at http://www.improfanfic.com/fw/ Much thanks for bearing with me and loads of thanks to the workshoppers who urged me to finish writing the part. Oh, and thanks to Chamelaeon for giving me extension after extension as I found myself getting behind. Character list: Shinji - Ikea Kensuke - Yarslov Rei - Lumi-chan Yui - Queen Radiance Asuka - Shelly Kaji - Mick Pen-Pen - Shrimp Id-Shinji - Marlo Gendo - The Ottoman Emperor Mistato - Frigidaire Fifi (sort of)